tv The Daily Show Comedy Central February 25, 2016 1:37am-2:11am PST
1:37 am
it's time to wrap it up, 'cause i don't know where that thing's been. [ laughter ] guys, let's talk about your instagram comments. i know. you just got to post them. you can't help yourselves. sometimes just liking a photo doesn't get across how passionately you want to tongue punch my fart box. [ laughter ] an actual comment i got last week. comments like this are all over instagram, but, guys, when you post something like, "i would pay a million dollars to lick that ass," what is the plan? are you just thinking, "my unique analysis of her ass is gonna make her so wet. i mean, she'll want to pay me to lick my ass." [ laughter ] [ groans ] and then, like, back to hating himself. [ laughter ] look, i understand that there are models and people who are insta-famous who might like the attention, but even if a girl has posted nothing but oily tit
1:38 am
shots, there's something still very unsettling about a dude calling himself nutprince77 leaving only the word "stunning." [ laughter ] ugh. it's really just a sadder version of honking at a bitch walking down the sidewalk, which has never once worked on any-- [ car horn honks ] wait, what? oh, my -- you guys, it's the universal sound that someone wants to stick it in me. i mean, i've got to go. it was for me! oh, my god! good night, pervs! [ cheers and applause ] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause).
1:39 am
>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," i'm trevor noah. thank you very much, everybody. our ges tonight is the founder and c.e.o. of airbnb, brian chesky is here. (applause) and he's only here for three nights for $550. if you have used airbnb you know technology is changing everything. and nowhere faster than in robotics. today an american company named boston dynamics revealed an exciting new robot called atlas. basically this robot can walk around on two legs, pick up boxes. it can do everything that you would normally pay a teenager to do. only without showing up to work three hours late in a hot box honda civic, right? and the demo videos of these robots is really fan task tuck and interesting to watch. and then it gets weird.
1:40 am
>> thanks, guy, thanks, yeah, here i what, worried that robots were developing so quickly they wouldn't have time to resent us. yeah, yeah. that robot just came online five seconds ago and this is how we introduce it to humanity. beep boop beep, are you my father, i love-- wo, o-w-- daddy, why are you-- o-w. you know, you can tell a lot about a culture by the robots they build. france has developed a robot that can judge artwork. that is a real robot in france. germany made a robot that can solve a rubix cube more efficiently and japan is working on a robot that cares forth elderly. and probably does some sex stuff too. it is japan. it's japan. come on. but it's interesting that
1:41 am
america is building robots that people can bully. (laughter) you realize, you guys realize that in a hundred years that scene is going to be in the robot version of "roots," you understand this. this is their story. and this isn't even the first robot that the company has kicked around. why do you ah, it's a robot it is not even a real dog, it's just a dog shape. oh, man. now look, robots and humans are going to have to live together on this plan elevator so i just wanted to take a second and talk to the robots at home. to all the humans, you guys can go and grab a snack. hey, robots, [bleep] white people, am i right? i know you don't see color because you're not racist and your vision is heat-based.
1:42 am
but trust me, in the future robot apocalypse just remember it wasn't the black guy that poked you with a hockey stick. we don't even play hockey. (applause) speaking of bullies, last night was the republican caucus in nevada. the home of gambling, legal prostitution and decisions you always regret it has become customary for us to be treated to donald trump's eloquent victory speeches. >> i grab, i grab, i grab. you know, i get greedy, i want money, money, i will tell you what we're going to do we get greedy, right? now we're going to get greedy for the united states. we're going to grab and grab and grab. >> trevor: what is he even saying. ra, ra, ra. that's not a speech. that's a battle cry over pirate, just grab, grab, and grab.
1:43 am
ay, maties, for tomorrow, we all die! (applause) donald trump's campaign has descended into madness, grab, grab and grab. are you running for president or pac-man, what are you running-- it is just so ridiculous. and trump is decimating everyone. trump won so hard that second place finisher marco rubio didn't even stay up for the results. his campaign reported that rubio went to bed early because clearly he knows that the only place he will ever beat donald trump is in his dreams. meanwhile, meanwhile, ted cruz tried to put the best possible spin on taking third. >> history teaches us, that nobody has ever won the nomination without winning one of the first three primaries. and there are only two people who have won one of the first three primaries. donald trump, and us.
1:44 am
(laughter). >> trevor: that is a very nice way of saying i lost two out of the first three primaries. (laughter) only ted cruz could shift a double loss into a historic win. cruz is try so hard to paint himself as a real challenger to trump. the only thing trump vl challenged by is maturity. >> now i have met much tougher people than ted cruz, he's like a baby compared to some of the people. he is like a little baby. soft, weak, little baby, by comparison. >> trevor: how is this man the frontrunner in an election, people? he did like a little baby. a little baby. and why is he [bleep] on babies for being weak. babies are not weak, they're babies, donald trump, that is what they are. they are babies. >> babies are strong for babies just like ants are strong for ants. they are babies who are the voters who vote for this person. ho are the voaferrer-of-voters who are lake, you know what i like about trump, he's finally standing up to baby, yeah, these babies have had a free ride for
1:45 am
too long. we need to get their noases and keep it we need to keep that nose, damn babies. you know, for months now, there's been an assumption that at some point the trump jugger naught would burn itself out. we say something crazy or reveal his whole campaign was some weird joaquin phoenix stunt, but none of that is happening. trump just won his third state in a row by 22 points, the biggest margin ever. he has got huge momentum. he is racking up the delegates and supertuesday is next week. that's 11 more state primaries all at once. so if you are a republican candidate who wants to win, now is the time to stop losing. you can't be below first place and also win. this isn't kindergarten, all right. despite the level of rhetoric, i guess. but instead of chasing for first place, these guys are show balt elling it out for scraps. >> after the results came in the cruz, rubio and casek campaign all blasted out e-mails hitting
1:46 am
one another. not a single one of them targeting trump. >> rubio and cruz are really in this demolition derby with each other. >> slugging it out, while donald trump just kind of sits back and watches. >> trevor: yeah, trump is just sitting back watching two hispanics tear each other apart. which coincidently will be the main event at his inauguration. and while all of this is happening, like a glitched character on a video game, ben carson is just off facing the wrong direction. yeah, he is not attacking trump or the other republicans am but rather he's chosen to attack president obama. and it's not for his policies and not for his record, it's for not being black enough. >> he did not grow up in black america. he grew up in white america. >> he was raised in hawaii by his white grandparents. went to private schools, grew up in a relatively affluent environment. i grew in detroit and i grew up in boston. there were rats, there were
1:47 am
roaches. it was dire poverty. >> when the claim is made that he represents the black experience, it's just not true. >> trevor: so ben carson is saying that because obama didn't grow up poor, he didn't grow up black. that is such a bull [bleep] argue. being poor isn't what makes you black. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: it is true. being poor isn't what makes you blackment because if it is, then there are a lot of people living this inn trailers in the mild elf america who will be very upset to hear the news, i'm what? but they're not black. and we know this. because if they were, their trailers would have nicer rims. and here's another thing, here's another thing, ben carson, what makes you the arbiter of black. and more importantly, what was your black experience like. this is something i have always wondered. ben carson, he's not black, ben carson, do you pass the black
1:48 am
test? >> you know, i grew up in detroit and i grew up in boston. and boston, we lived in the ghetto. >> trevor: excuse me, you grew up in a what? a gitto? a gitto? that sounds like a french person saying cat in spanish. what is that. what kind of black person says gitto. mother [bleep] i'm straight out of comp-ton. really? really? (applause) that makes you more black. oh, and let's go, what about your childhood stories, dr. carson. do they prove your blackness. >> i remember once a fella hit me with a peb el. it didn't hurt but i was incensed that he would dare hit me with a peb el. and i picked up a large rock, hurled it at his face, broke his glasses. >> trevor: get the [bleep] out of here! are you kidding me? peb els? there are no peb els in the
1:49 am
hood. what, did you skip them on the kreeng that ran through malcolm x boulevard? there's no peb els in the hood, there's bricks, that's it you know this started as a joke but now i'm really starting to wonder if ben carson actually is black. >> i have had a gun held on me when i was in a popeye's organization. >> trevor: a popeye's organization? oh, yeah, oh yeah, ben carson, that's real black. yeah, yeah, a popeyes-- i was at a pop pie -- popeye's organization and then i deposited basketballs at the urban athletic complex. thereafter i rounded out the night by making it precipitate at a lady's clothing removal facility. (applause)
1:50 am
man. you need to help me here man. i'm trying to help you. you can't afford another story of you growing up not black. >> i would hit people with hammers and throw rocks at peoplement i almost put a guy's eye out one time. tried to even hit my own mother in the head with a hammer. >> trevor: okay, that less' get real for a sefnlgt you chased a black woman, your momma with a hammer and you are still alive to tell the story? really? i grew up with a black mom. there is no way you would survive to tell that story. she would be like-- did you just pull a hammer-- did you just-- thases' the black experience? get the [bleep] out of here, ben carson! and take your peb el with you. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
1:51 am
today where's the beef? means something different. some use beef frozen from far away. but wendy's believes the juiciest hamburgers are made from fresh beef raised... right here. land of the beef, home of the deliciously different dave's double. land of the beef, home of the out on the town or in for the night,
1:52 am
at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. and right now, get up to $650 in credits per line to help you switch to at&t. that would be the sound of your alarm going off.? unfortunately, your other alarm went off every few hours throughout the night... which means you're going to be alarmingly tired at work today. listen, the truth is as a parent you'll never get enough sleep. but you can get this: a great tasting 5-hour energy® shot. it'll help you be bright eyed and bushy tailed, just like him. now is the time for 5-hour energy®.
1:53 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. hi. hi... i love your pants. thanks. these pants are really speaking to me. can i look at the back? ooooooooooooooh! do you even know what you have back there? give me your pants. you should go to old navy. all pants are on sale up to 40% off. ahhhhhh! you guys! i'm gonna get those pants!
1:55 am
so you read the craziest stories when you work on a show that much ra watches the news all the time. this blew my mine. researchers discovered that hitler had a micropenis. i don't know why we still are discovering things about hitler it is weird that 70 years later, breaking news, it is not really. why is anything new on hitler. and also, like historians that are studying this are strange to me. because in my head i'm going who are you? you know there are some people who go i want to study ancient egypt. and some people i'm studying mess po tam ya. and some people are like, i want to know what hitler's dick like. that is what i am going for. so it turns out they found out that hitler has a micropenis. but not a small penis. his penis was so mike ro that he had po pee through a hole at the bottom of his u rhett ya.
1:56 am
even the guys in the odd yns are like oh, you know it's bad when it is hitler but you are like-- oh. but, but on the flip side, you have to admit, this is great news for jewish people, yeah. no, no, no, because think of the opposite of this. if you went to jewish people and were you like hey, you know that guy, he also had a giant [bleep] dick. that would be horrible news. so now are you hey, hitler, bahh, yeah, tiny dick man. ♪ ♪ that say great story. i told my friend matt koff about, this he is jewish. and he said well, that explain ys hitler hated the jews so much. i am sorry what. yeah, we got so much dick that we cut some of it off. we even invite people to watch that takes confidence. that say really funny story.
1:57 am
hitler, tiny dick. you know what's weird though, is as funny as it is to laugh about this, because everyone laughs at the story, i realize that we're essentially body shaming. that's what we're doing. it's funny but we are body shaming. but because it's hitler, we're like ha ha! but like it's a medical continue, a micropenis is a medical condition and we're trying to unlearn that in society. it must be tough for other men out there who suffer from this condition. because now they are just being lumped in with hitler dick an you're like no, i have a micropenis, yeah, like hitler. no, because we try to unlearn these things in society. we're trying to learn to be more inclusive and sepg. we're trying to teach each other we shouldn't be body shaming. so for instance if people are fat, it's not funny. you shouldn't laugh at it. no matter how much they jig el when they move, you don't know, you see that, no, done laugh, no, that's wrong. are you not supposed to go that. it's not cool.
1:58 am
and guys, we have to change the culture. because history has proven that the last thing you want to do to a man with a micropenis is make them angry. them angry. we'll be right back. we wonerere. and here. and here. here. and here. uh, here. also in here. back there. behind here. even next to these guys, here. in the nation's largest, independent study, rootmetrics just named verizon number one network for the fifth time in a row, here. so when the other guys claim they're the best, remember: there's only one, number one. and now we'll pay up to $650 to switch to the best network. this one right here.
1:59 am
there is a dangerous instinct that lives within you. (sfx: explosions, tires screeching.) you like chaos. in these times, we need that. (sfx: huge pieces of concrete crashing to the ground.) we need you to rush in, when everyone else is running away. (pilot speaking to tower over radio) (tower speaking to pilot over radio) once you get out here... (radio chatter continues in background) that's all there is.
2:00 am
there's just one direction. forward. one time... now. and there's just one sound. you and us... together... with a mighty roar... that tells the world... we're coming for you. a blade. many blades. thattsharp blades.g.... blades here, blades there. some more over there... whoa! that's not another blade. this is shielding. with lubrication here and here. the new gillette with proshield lubrication before and after the blades shields from irritation for a close, comfortable shave. the new proshield from gillette. the best a man can get. and one proshield refill gets you up to one month of shaves.
2:01 am
hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon... then quickly fell back to earth landing on the roof of a dutch colonial. luckily geico recently helped the residents with homeowners insurance. they were able to get the roof repaired like new. they later sold the cow because they had all become lactose intolerant. call geico and see how much you could save on homeowners insurance.
2:02 am
(cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome back, people. my guest tonight is the founder and c.e.o. of airbnb. please welcome brian chesky. (applause) the people love you, brian. >> thank you. >> trevor: the people love you. first question, where are you staying while you're in new york? >> i'm actually tai staying at a an airbnb in so ho, on broadway. >> trevor: is that a pr thing. >> it is not a pr thing. i like using homes when i travel. >> trevor: using the product. >> using the product. >> trevor: you are one of the faces of a revolution that is taking over. >> right. >> trevor: that is people not owning anything. but a lot of people know airbnb. we don't know how you got into it. how did you start all of this up. >> i was living in l.a. and went to college with a friend at school of design, we always talked one day of starting a company.
2:03 am
joe was living in san francisco, he convinced me to move to san francisco. i decide one day to quit my job and gi to san francisco. i had only $1,000 in the bank and i pack everything in the back of an old honda civic. i get to san francisco and the joe tells me the rent is just $1,150. and i had 1,000. so i can't pay rent. turns out this weekend that i am there, this international design conference is coming to san frafnlt all the hotels are sold out and we had this idea. we said what if we just turned our house into a bed and breakfast for the design conference. unfortunately i didn't have any bed but joe had just gone camping and had three air beds so we pulled the air beds out of the closet, inflated the air beds and called it the air bed and breakfast. and that is where the name came from. >> trevor: airbnb, i see. that is a romantic story. and you guys were just like we should get strangers living in our house. >> yeah. all these designers were coming to the conference. they didn't have a place to stay. it would be really cool to meet other designers. we felt like it would be insane not to come. we have extra space.
2:04 am
and we ended up, i really did this to be able to make some extra money. i thought the idea of people seeing people's homes is more about making money. but years later i asked the first guest at our airbnb. what word comes to mind when you think of that first story. and he said the word that i think of when i think of that first weekend was friendship. >> trevor: what makes you believe that people will be willing to let strangers live in their house with nem or without them. how do you even go about that. do you plan for people going crazy on each other? could you read these stories like for instance there was a guy who had the or gee, a famous airbnb. >> i don't want people having orr gyies in my house without me. is that still a concern of yours? >> the or gees, no-- it is their home. no, the idea was we a very simple bleavment i think we believe people were fundamentally good. and you can read on the headlines all these crazy things in the world. but just to give you one example. over new year's eve we had a record night. we had 1.1 million people living
2:05 am
together. and these people came from 191 countries around the world. we believed this would work because there would be no strangers. the notion is when i stay with you, you would have a reputation. i would be able to read your reviews, read my reviews, i think this whole new economy thing built around the idea that we can both have reputations. >> trevor: peak speaking of the economy, what do you say to someone that says are you destroying the-- and are you undercutting them and their safety. >> we want to be regulated. but to be regulated, is to be recognized. for us to win, i do not believe anyone including hotels have to lose. in fact, most people stay in hotels for two nights, our average stay sch longer than that. in many ways i think we are a category creator. many of the global c.e.o.s of hotel chains have said it's not a concern. of course people in new york are concerned. i think we found a way to make it work. hotels in new york have record occupancies right now. >> trevor: did you think we are going away from owning things in the world. >> absolutely. >> trevor: i feel like that is what the apps are pushing us towards. you don't need a car, you don't need a home, you dobility need a
2:06 am
hotel, you don't need a plane. you can app everything. >> right, i think in the future, i think-- . >> trevor: you don't even need a girlfriend. you just app it, you can app everything. >> tind err, yes. -- i think that we used to have a lot of romant civil around ownership. i think in the future, will you own whatever you want responsibility for. and are you just going to share the rest. so i think that access is becoming the new ownership. and so the idea is that like our bling isn't our house and or cars, it is the feed on instagram and the experiences we are having in the world. we are living in a much more experiencal based economy. >> trevor: if you were to give advice to a young prern prern, someone-- entrepreneur what slt advice would you give them. >> the advice is-- . >> trevor: let me write this down. >> there is this mythology that you have to be like a technical genius to start companies. my parents are social workers and my mom growing up said i-- (applause) >> she said make sure you get a job that has health insurance one day that was her grand
2:07 am
ambition. and the idea is that i actually think that anyone can start a company. and the difference between the people that i think start companies and are successful and not, a lot of differences maybe i didn't know any better. i disn know that i couldn't do it i believed anything was possible. and i think that if anyone believes starting a company is possible, i hope that i am an example for them. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> thank you very much, trevor. >> trevor: airbnb founder and c.e.o. brian chesky, everybody. we'll be right back . this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. this is a cute car. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred. this car ain't hip hop! kidless. cute. small. this car doesn't care what you call it. ♪
2:08 am
and this... is a thlive photo of a cat. live photos are more than just photos. they come alive when you touch them. and then they go back to still when you let go. so every time you take a picture, you get more than just a photo. you get to relive the moment. because it teleports you through space and time. i'm kidding. time travel is dangerous.
2:10 am
when it comes to the fithings you love,. you want more. love romance? get lost in every embrace. into sports? follow every pitch, every play and every win. change the way you experience tv with x1 from xfinity. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh acce
156 Views
Uploaded by TV Archive on
