kyle, don't be such a whiny little gay-wad. come play catch with us. - yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! - god dammit. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com 3 2 f1 from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is... -♪ -(cheering, applause)

welcome to the daily show. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. thank you very much. thank you so much. you're in for a treat tonight. our guest joining us, theo james is here! (cheering, applause) theo james. but first things first. happy st. patrick's day, everybody. -(cheering, applause) -yes. yeah. i have to be honest, i don't really know much about st. patrick, uh, but judging by the way people honor him, his most famous miracle must have been turning nine pints of beer into ten pints of vomit. -(laughter) -uh... apparently... apparently, this is supposed to be a religious holiday. now, i'm no biblical scholar, but i don't remember jesus telling his followers to commit literally every sin possible -(laughter) -until their bodies shut off. that's not something i remember. uh, look, obviously, the truth is that st. patrick's day isn't very big in africa. like, you know, you're not gonna get a nigerian guy

who's like, "ah, today everyone is irish." (laughter) uh... in america, though... in america, though-- a lot of people don't know this-- black people are the whole reason st. patrick's day happens. you see, um, because by not participating, you can have six million drunk white people screaming on the street. yeah. but if one black guy showed up, one black guy, the cops would be like, "okay, shut it down. shut it down! shut it down! it's a riot! it's a riot!" -(shouting, applause) -so you're welcome. you're welcome, white people. enjoy it. -(laughter) -but let's turn to the big story tonight. by now you've probably all heard that yesterday president barack obama finally made his big pick. and no, we're not talking about march madness, we're... -(laughter) -we're talking about his selection to convert this elite eight back into a normal nine. today i am nominating chief judge merrick brian garland to join the supreme court. yes, merrick brian garland. this fine fellow. a chief judge of the dc court of appeals,

harvard graduate with a brilliant legal mind, you know, prosecuted timothy mcveigh, and on top of all of that, he's totes adorbs. -(laughter) -oh, no. you can be the judge of that. thank you, mr. president. this is the greatest honor of my life. (sighs) (crying): other than lynn agreeing to marry me 28 years ago. for me, there could be no higher public service than serving as a member of the united states supreme court. i am grateful beyond words for the honor you have bestowed upon me. -oh, can i keep him? -(audience aw-ing) can we keep him, please, mommy? aw, that guy is so adorable. like, next to him, even sweet ruth bader ginsburg seems like an asshole. -aw... -(laughter) i love him so much. merrick brian garland. i love it. it's got a ring to it. mbg. you down with mbg? yeah, you know me. who's down with mbg? well, apparently, nobody. newswoman: senate majority leader mitch mcconnell

said it would be a "waste of time" to meet nominee merrick garland. reporter: are you any more open to holding hearings? i spoke to lindsey graham, who said to me that he has said to the president, "even if you picked me," lindsey graham, "i would lead the charge against me because you are the one who picked me in an election year." oh, lindsey. that's just low self-esteem right there, buddy. -(laughter) -you're worth voting for yourself, my friend. sure, maybe gop primary voters rejected you, but rest assured, trevor loves you, baby. -(cheering) -trevor loves you. don't forget. but this... you know, this resistance to judge garland doesn't seem to make any sense. i mean, just based on what senate republicans have said about him in the past. merrick garland is highly qualified to sit on the dc circuit. his intelligence and his scholarship cannot be questioned. newsman: pat roberts, the kansas republican senator, i said, "well, why did you support him in 1997?" he said, "i just supported him."

over my seven years as president, in all my conversations with senators from both parties, in which i asked their views on qualified supreme court nominees, the one name that has come up repeatedly, from republicans and democrats alike, is merrick garland. that's right. everyone likes merrick garland. he's, like, the paul rudd of federal judges. -(laughter) -in fact, it's even more... it's, like, paul rudd with a puppy's face, and then, like, the puppy's eyes are paul rudd's face. -(laughter) -that's-that's more... yeah. that's what... aah! aah! i've created a monster. go away! go away! bad rudd! bad rudd! so, uh, so i don't get it, i don't get it. democrats like him, republicans like him-- why won't the republicans even consider him? they simply do not believe, they say, that a president in this heated of an election cycle, who is a lame duck, should be able to nominate somebody. the decision the senate announced weeks ago remains about a principle...

and not a person. the senate will continue to observe the biden rule. man, mitch mcconnell seems like a bit of a dick. -(laughter) -uh... well, just in principle. not as a person. -(laughter) -because... because the biden rule isn't a rule. it was a proposal in a speech that biden gave in 1992, where he argued against considering a supreme court nominee during that election year. so yeah, don't get me wrong, biden messed up-- but it's not a rule. just because you propose something doesn't make it rule. and that includes tonight. you don't have to kiss these people just because they're irish. you don't have to do that. there is no biden rule. okay, well, there is one biden rule, and that is, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat. -(laughter) -that's the biden rule. -(applause) -that's the only rule we follow. and-and just... by the way, since when do republicans have any respect for what joe biden says? i think the vice president very well knows that sometimes the words don't come out of your mouth the right way.

democrats aren't asked to answer every time joe biden says something embarrassing. the latest, uh, gaffe of the gift that keeps on giving, uh, who is, by the the way, a heartbeat away from the presidency. the next time you're at a party, walk up to someone, just say, "vice president joe biden" and close your mouth. they will crack up laughing. yeah, that's true. if you say "joe biden" at a party, people crack up laughing. uh, just like if you say "ted cruz" at a party, people leave. time to go, people. it's ted cruz, it's ted cruz. time to go, people. ted cruz. put the drink down. ted cruz, come on, guys, get out of here. ted cruz, ted cruz, people. we should all start doing that at parties from now on. ted cruz, everybody, time to go, ted cruz. uh, listen, republicans, i understand what you're going through. you lost justice scalia, a legendary conservative justice and you don't want him replaced by anyone that obama likes. but here's the big question:

how do you think this is going to play out? because, what, you filibuster this guy until obama is gone? then what happens? 'cause what if hillary clinton becomes president and she picks garland or someone even more liberal? or, god forbid, donald trump becomes president. and who knows what he'd do. like, he could do any... he could pick judge judy. he could... just because he's heard of her. you don't know what he'd do. he might not even pick a person. he could nominate a painting of himself or... or... like, anything. he could nominate a racist bottle of champagne. you don't... and i don't even know what that means, to be honest. like, because how could a bottle of champagne be racist? it doesn't... like, like, maybe you're celebrating, it's like, "three, two, one, (bleep)." who taught you that, champagne? bad champagne. i really don't understand, you know. for the republicans, there really is no winning here. so the question is what do you want? our view is this:

give the people a voice in filling this vacancy. you know, this is rich coming from mcconnell. he's saying give the people a voice, but he's silence the one voice who the people chose. and he's so dug... (cheering, applause) he's so dug in on his partisanship, he refuses to listen to reason, even when it's right there in the room with him. the next justice could fundamentally alter the direction of the supreme court and have a profound impact on our country. so, of course... of course, the american people should have a say in the court's direction. well, they did, by electing obama. it is a president's constitutional right to nominate a supreme court justice, and it is the senate's constitutional right to act as a check on a president and withhold its consent. traditionally after a confirmation hear... as chairman grassley and i declared weeks ago and reiterated personally to president obama,

the senate will continue to observe the biden rule. not a rule. it's not a rule. so that the american people have a voice in this momentous decision. the american people may well elect a president who decides to nominate judge garland... -they already did. -...for senate consideration. they already did. president obama made this nomination not... not with the intent of seeing the nominee confirmed, but in order to politicize it for purposes of the election. he's also politicizing. -which is the type of thing... -that you're doing right now! ...then-senate judiciary committee chairman biden -was concerned about. -can i borrow this? the exact thing chairman biden was concerned about. -the biden rule underlines... -it's not a rule! ...that what the president has done with this nomination -would be unfair to any nominee. -there's no such thing! mitch, you're making this (bleep) up! and, more importantly, the rule warns of the great cost -the president's action... -thanks. i couldn't have said it better. jordan klepper, everyone. jordan klepper. we'll be right back.

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america runs on dunkin'. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back. this week marks the start of march madness, the one time of year it's socially acceptable to be a gambling addict. the madness of march madness

refers to the excitement of a single elimination college basketball tournament. but here at the "the daily show," we're taking the madness literally. instead of crowning the best college team, we created a bracket tournament of our own that let you at home vote on what makes you the mad pes madet really piss you off. and we're dawlg third month maybia. go on line to thirdmonthmania.com. you cast your vote for which infuriating things should advance to the next round. for instance, will it be trump or trump supporters? is it coworkers or weird smells? and the choice is yours. and it's not just voting. you can also full out the full wract and then you go head to head with your friends ever what infuriates you the most. here to break down the key match-ups, roy wood, jr., and hasan minhaj.

>> we have three incredibly aggravating match-ups. a lot of tough picks. >> so many people to get mad. b. we've got vegans no, sir the n.r.a. this is going to go down to the wire. one group kills you with boredom. the other group straight up kills you. it's tough but i gotta go with n.r.a. >> you can right that down if you want, bro, but i'd rather get shot than argue about whether fake bacon tastes like real bacon. it doesn't. do yo>> >> let's move on. martin shkreli versus bill cosby. we have two monsters doing shady ( bleep ) drugs. one keep is keeping you from getting your pills. the other guy is giving them to you whether you want them or not. >> the big thing is nobody knew martin shkreli before he started gouge pricing pills. >> all he's been to us with a

douche bag with the world's most punchable face. >> which is why i think so people will be madder at cosby. i have trust issues with sitcom dads now. danny tanner, seems like a nice guy but i don't know. >> we don't know. i think our pick is clear, the coz is going to dance his way into the next round. >> now, babiess versus old people. now, these two really match up well against each other. both teams ( bleep ) everywhere with zero personal accountable. >> this is a real hard choice for me, man. if i was on a plain planeand sitting next to a crying baby or chatty old dude that won't shut up about his exwrns, you know what i'd choose sp? >> who. >> exit door midflight. i'm gone. >> wait, wait, come back, come back, come back, come back. one thing you didn't consider, roy, old people, very racist.

now, i'm pretty sure no baby has ever called you a calendar fella. >> yeah, but he was probably thinking it. >> oh oh. >> i gotta go with the grandpa on this one. i think he makes me madder. put it on the bored. >> those are our picks but you still need to do yours. go to thirdmonthmania.com and vote on what makes you the maddest. >> trevor: hasan minhaj and roy wood, jr., everyone, we'll be right back.

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okayit's chewy.his? really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. i visited every 'ville in nashamerica and nashvilleders. had the best spicy chicken. kfc hot chicken tenders have the spicy, smoky flavor of nash-ville. get it, now-ville at kfc. you may be too tired to walk back to your hotel. that's why we have public transportation. ♪ my name is jamir dixon and i'm a locafor pg&e.rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg&e. my truck is something new... it's an 811 truck. when you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you don't

hit them when you're digging. 811 is a free service. i'm passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. they're the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then i'll drive it every day of the week. together, we're building a better california. you may be too tired to walk back to your hotel. that's why we have public transportation. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) gl welcome back. my guest tonight is an actor whose new movie is called "the divergent series: allegiant."

>> the left hand activates the drone. >> does it do anything else? >> not much. use the drone to find the target. it will take you a while to get the hang of it. >> yeah. >> i think i got the hang of it. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: please welcome theo james! >> trevor: theo, my good man. >> he looked so smug in that clip. >> trevor: i think you looked handsome, my friend. >> thank you. >> trevor: you looked very

handsome. a question-- do you ever worry about your general safety when you are walking on the streets, or just doing your thing in life? life? just because-- i'll tell you why. i worry for you because women scream everywhere you go. how cow know when it's danger? ( laughter ). >> whether to run >> trevor: you don't know because the rest of the world goes, a woman screaming-- aarrgghh! do you still turn around? >> no, i just run that way. >> trevor: you run in the direction you're facing. "i genuinely need help." ( bleep ) thank you so much for coming on the show and thank you so much for being here. a lot of people might be shocked right now that you are british. this throws people off quite a bit. what is going on? why-- like, does bloodshed brt have all the handsome men? how does this work. what's happening? >> they're a lot cheaper, for one, i think, a lot cheaper. i coapt know, really.

>> trevor: the way you did this, "i don't know, really. i think it's because of that." you hodid you practice your american accent? i'm always fascinated by that. >> i practiced it because the first proper american thing i did was a tv show and i thought i could do an american accent and when i got cast and on the first day i met the other cast, and they said, "oh, you're doing an american accent?" and i said, "yes, we just did the read-through. and they said, "when are are you going to do it?" >> trevor: it wasn't one of those things where you practiced as a kid? >> no, no, no, that would be weird. >> trevor: i feel like it would be normal. well, not like that. that would be weird. if you were a little kid and were like, "hey, hey!" i'm talking--aise kid i practiced-- i would play westerns with my friend. >> i see, i see. >> trevor: but a lot of my friend couldn't speak english and we didn't know what the guy would say in the western.

so we would just grab the gun and woa-woa. >> we just made general noises. >> trevor: theo james, a great name, but it is a hollywood name. we all have hollywood names. for instance, my hollywood name is trevor noah. but my real name is trevor noah. ( laughter ). >> i thought you were going to help me out here. what i>> trevor: what is your fl name. >> theodore peter james. >> i don't know why i said it like that. >> trevor: because it get a response, that's why. this is, like, a crazy thing that happens. >> i did it because it was easier. and i have to say, i wanted to be called theo james as well. hello, everybody, would let me

over your wall, please. let's talk about the movie. it's a hume series. have you ever wondered why these films are so successful? young kid reading about basically the end of the world. why is that so popular? why-- ( laughter ) >> genuinely, i think it's obviously fantasy material but i think young people question what the ( bleep ) will happen to, you know, a generation or two's time >> trevor: will there be just good-looking people left? >> in a fake chicago, yes. being given tasks. >> trevor: i loved that in the movie, chicago survives. everywhere else get destroyed. yeah. i loved that. someone is like, whatever the end of the world was, chicago was like, "nah." it really must be crazy to be part of that series. you know, do you see yourself going into something else where you're not playing-- not good-looking, but something that people find as popular,

especially young women? >> yeah, yeah. ( laughter ) not pornography. ( laughter ) >> trevor: did you do porn? did you? >> that's what i'm trying to get into. >> trevor: no, no, this man has had strange jobs. you were a philosophy major, right? >> yes. >> trevor: but you worked, with dead bodies. sometimes i read things, and i think i don't know if this is true. you worked cleaning the fluids that dead bodes secrete? exactly. just someone in the audience said, "wait, what in? what did you do? >> what it was we collected the-- basically the equipment that people died. >> trevor: who is "we?" >> me and my mate dan. we worked for the national health service, so you have to get the equipment and clean it.

>> trevor: so you were like-- >> a cleaning guy. >> trevor: did you ever have to touch the dead bodies? >> no, i didn't. they were already gone thankfully. >> trevor: but the fluid you have to clean that off-- >> yeah, vacuum, usually. >> trevor: vacuum? what do they leave behind? i love this. you have so much fun. we should be best friends. i like this. really, we should be best friends. give me your number. i'm kidding man. you're a great guest. thank you so much for coming. "the divergent series: allegiant" is in theaters this friday. allegiant" is in theaters this friday. thedoar peter james! okay, what is this?

allegiant" is in theaters this friday. thedoar peit's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts. this is our lab. it's where we learn everything we know. where we study the athletic body...

what it does... and what it's capable of doing... so we can identify the perfect nutrients to fuel it. your game is our lab. and everything we learn here... we put into here. ♪ switch and get select cle4g lte smartphonesireless. for as low as $19.99. plus, no annual contracts. mmmm. new phone smell. cricket wireless. something to smile about. who don't have access thto basic banking,on people but that is changing. at temenos, with the microsoft cloud, we can enable a banker to travel to the most remote locations with nothing but a phone and a tablet. everywhere where there's a phone, you have a bank. now a person is able to start a business, and employ somebody for the first time. the microsoft cloud helped us to bring banking

to ten million people in just two years. it's transforming our world. >> trevor: that's our show, everybody. don't forget, join us, fill in your brackets at thirdmonthmania.com. we're going to have a lot of fun. join us next week at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> and i can't believe this, but i guess it's a thing-- leprechaun porn. >> what. >> i guess we'll show you some of it? coming up at noon. >> or not. by comedy central [♪]