to those little kids in africa who smokin' on swag." [laughs] "donate my body to any gay science. "i donate everything to the patrick swayze foundation "in support of ass cancer, karate, and shitty dancing. "what is half of nothing? leave that to my mom. "my television show shall go to chris rock "because his five-minute guest spot had better ratings "than my first two seasons combined. "waffles, waffles, crispy, golden waffles... "will be stuffed and mounted... "like your mom. ha, ha, ha, after death burn." "hereby give my collection of celebrity semen samples "to ben and jerry's for a new series of flavors called tosh.0faces." i know a school teacher that would love that flavor. i do, i do. he was my favorite teacher. he was totally misunderstood. "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...something racist.

"hashtag, high fashion. "i bequeath my scarf collection to norv turner so he can finally cover up that gross scrotum neck." you think norv was at home, going tonight, "oh, twitten by. i'm going to get a shot." "i give up on will writing. this shit is too hard. "i leave nothing to nobody. bury my shit with me. "if you want nice things, get your own. don't wait for me to die." i'm going to get that notarized this week. okay, shower me with your love. good night. comedy central from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. our guest tonight, journalist and cohost of fox news' "the five," juan williams is here joining us. ( cheers and applause ) but first, but first, some interesting news on guns you know, if the the woon thing you hate about them is how boorish and gunning they look, you're in luck. >> an unusual firearm could go on sale later this year. the weapon looks just like a snowe, but it's actually a .380-caliber gun. >> it may look like an iphone but it's not. instead it's actually a deadly weapon. >> trevor: what could possibly go wrong? you know, besides someone sitting down weird and accidentally getting butt murdered. or you go in for the dick and i can now you're double circ up sized. and you know great ideas. they don't just happen. they need a visionary, someone inspired by the small things in

life. >> why would you design a gun that looks like a smartphone? >> i have a conceal carry permit and i was carrying my pistol with the requisite jacket over it, and at one point when i stood up some young boy glimpses that and made a big statement about that i had a gun and it was a little bit of an embarrassing situation. ( laughter ). >> trevor: you got embarrassed because a little boy see your piece? ( laughter ) that was such a perfect response for a gun-obsessed country. "oh, my glock is making these kids nervous. i should design a gun that looks like a phone." "why don't you just leave your gun at home?" "don't be stupid. it's for safety hello? bang." it's such an insane world. there's a chance this new igun may come in handy this summer since over 50,000 people have signed a petition to allow the open carry of firearms at the republican convention in cleveland. which thanks to this guy's receipt win in wisconsin is about to get a whole lot more

chaotic. >> senator ted cruz's wisconsin win brings a contested or broker convention much closer to reality. >> ted cruz pulling off a big win in wisconsin's republican primary. >> what an incredible victory tonight. we are winning because we're uniting the republican party. >> trevor: ah, that's not true. ah... first of all, you're not winning. you're trying to catch up to trump, who is winning. and second of all, you are not uniting the republican party. the republican party is uniting against trump. you just happen to be the other gay. you're basically the toilet plunger of the republican party. that's what you are. yeah, that's all you are. ( cheers and applause ) because no one wants to use a plunger, but you have to, to get the turd out of the way. ( cheers and applause ) now the race has moved on from wisconsin, and now, ladies and gentlemen, ahead of the april 19 new york primary, ted cruz is in new york city!

that's the exact reaction he got uptown. >> i'm thrilled to be here. >> ted cruz has no business being here. >> this is an immigrant community. >> if you're anti-immigrant you're not welcome here. >> trevor: holy crap! wow! wow! ( cheers and applause ) ted cruz can't go anywhere in new york without being harassed. it's almost like he went to the bronx to make one of his own version of those cat-calling videos just to show people how hard it is to be ted cruz in new york. like even construction workers were like, "hey, ted cruz! show me that pretty smile, baby! ahhh! never mind! never mind "n" never mind!" now you maybe wondering why do new yorkers feel that way about ted cruz? well, it might have something to do with how he feels about new york. >> senator cruz, you suggested

mr. trump "embodies new york values." could you explain what you mean by that? >> you know, ung most people know exactly what new york values are. >> audience: oooh! >> trevor: what's wrong with new york, ted cruz? when king kong wanted to bang that lady on top of a skyscraper. he didn't go to houston. that's for damn sure. you know what i feel like? i feel like ted cruz doesn't actually know what new york values are because he's never been welcomed in new york. yeah, he's just trying to trick us to tell what the values of new york are. "we all know what happens in that club." "have you ever been in that club?" "yeah." so it's no surprise that new yorkers don't like ted cruz being here. >> ted cruz received a cold, cold welcome when his campaign rolled here into new york city. page one of this morning's "daly news" says it all, i guess. >> it says, "take the f-u train,

ted." >> trevor: ted don't take it personal. it's a new york welcome. when i first got here, you spent weeks looking for the f-u train. it's a game they play. it's a game. i don't even know why cruz bothered coming to new york because this is trump's home turf, and he understands it better than any other part of the country. >> never changes. hey, new yorkin new york is calw york. yo>> trevor: you know what i love about this guy? he tells it like it is. because new york is called new york. some people say new york is kansas, but other people don't know ( bleep ). it's pretty certain that trump will win the new york republican crowd. i mean, he's far ahead of everyone else in the polls. but there is one group in particular that trump is not connecting with. >> donald trump didn't help himself with women in recent weeks. >> you said that women who would

get illegal abortions would be punished. >> there has to be some form of punishment. >> for the woman. >> yeah. >> donald trump defending his campaign manager this morning who was charged with battery of a female reporter. >> donald trump retweeted an extremely unflattering photo of heidi cruz. >> the latest cnn poll shows 73% of all women have a negative view of mr. trump. >> trevor: yes, and that's 73% of all women-- women in this country, abroad, living, dead. ( laughter ) alien, mermaids-- they all have a negative view of mr. trump. but on the bright side, you realize that still means that there's 27% of women out there that are like, "yeah, i'd hit that." ( laughter ) but, of course, just like a guy at the bar with a silk vest and porkpie hat, trump has a plan to get the ladies. >> with his support among women voters slipping, donald trump is calling on a woman who knows him very well. >> donald trump bringing his wife, melania, on the campaign trail, to in part boost his cred with women voters. but has that damage already been

done or can she help those numbers? >> trevor: can she help those numbers? that's a good question, and to answer that we welcome our newest contributor, michelle wolf, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) michelle, will bringing out melania help donald trump with women voters? >> oh, yeah, trevor, because you want to appeal to everyday american women, bring out a slovenian supermod toll help make your case. >> trevor: okay, point taken. but does it help? >> honestly, it's what all male politicians do. they try to relate to women by bringing out their wives. it's such caveman reasoning-- "you are woman. me have woman. you vote me." ( laughter ) >> trevor: so basically you're saying wives are just the props for the candidates. >> yeah, and they shouldn't be. that's the job of the children. >> audience: oooh! >> trevor: look, supporting the candidates, humanizing the

candidate candidates, that seems one of the roles a spouse should play on the campaign trail. >> oh, not if the spouse is a man. see, when bill clinton campaigns for hillary he talks policy. or look at german chancellor angela merkel. she has a husband. they probably connected when she was like, "i need a haircut." and he was like, "here, i have a bowl." ( laughter ) she uses a bowl. he's a quantum chemist. he didn't follow his wife around the campaign trail. he said he watched her inauguration on tv, which means he definitely didn't watch her inauguration on tv. vat? no. it was great, not all the ich bein ein stuff. super haircut. if angela merkel can run a country without a human charm bracelet, why can't men? even when these men talk about how great their wives are, it

can sound more condescending than anythinges. >> the public would be so lucky to have melania as the first lady. >> my best and better half, my wife. >> before i do anything, i should introduce, i brought along my better half. >> ladies and gentlemen, my better half. >> oh, no, obama! michelle is your better half? joe biden thought it was him! ( laughter ) oh, he's going to be so sad! look, if the wives really are the better half of these candidates, why aren't they the ones running for president? ( cheers and applause ) i mean, i'd take melania over donald. although, she'd probably have to deal with years of some immigrant hating aof asshole demanding to see her bit, certificate. >> trevor: that would mean if melania was the candidate, donald trump would be her prop. >> oh, sure. she can trot him out whenever she starts to lose that douche

bag vote. >> trevor: michelle wolf, everyone. everyone. we'll be rig i think the first step in being able to create a helpful solution is just to be able to recognize problems in the world around you. don't you dare change the rules. don't you dare play with your food. don't you dare get any big ideas. ignore what people say you can't do. don't you dare take that apart. don't you dare stay up all night on the computer. don't you dare raise your voice. ♪ ♪ hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line.

you've got a 1 in 4 chance ofame winningnald's, from over 100 million food and cash prizes. it's hard to find better odds. the odds of winning from items like this big mac? sfx: ding! the odds of scoring a hole-in-one? sfx: clank! the odds of winning from items like these chicken mcnuggets? sfx: ding! the odds of your taxes being audited? sfx: clank! the odds of your auditor winning from delicious items like these. sfx: ding! there's a 1 in 4 chance of winning with all these items. so hurry in to mcdonald's and play today! ♪

a superior hard apple cider this is smith & forge. inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. and they built this country with their bare hands. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste.

( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." for the past few weeks, "the daily show" has hosted an online bracket tournament where you voted on what person, issue, or thing makes you the maddest. the results are now in, and roy wood, jr. and hasan minhaj are here to announce the winner. ( applause ). >> oh, it's finally here, the

moment we've been waiting for. >> roy, tonight is so special we went out and bought tuxiedoze, baby. >> i rented mine. but before we crown our champion, let's take a quick look at what happened in the final four. >> on one side we had traffic up against trump supporters. not really much different when you think about it. either way it's a lot of angry people yelling stuff. >> get out of my way! >> get out of my country! >> same sentiment, different accent. it wasn't close, trump supporters crushed traffic 88% to 12. ( cheers and applause ) >> i mean, that makes sense. traffic has been around for what, like, 100 years? it's hard to stay mad about something for 100 years. >> tell that to everyone in the middle east. >> good point. on the other side of the bracket, we had global warming versus slow wifi. for me slow wifi was more infuriating. let's face it. by the time global warming kicks in, i'll be in my casket.

i'm gone. i'm dead. >> you selfish bastard. and it turns out you're wrong, roy. the people disagree. they vote forward global warming in a landslide. 67% to 33%. it was a very tough loss for slow wifi, although kind of an unfair thing when you think about it considering the fact most people upset about so wifi probably couldn't even get online to vote. >> that's a very good point. ( applause ) so let's look at the championship round. it came down to trump supporters versus global warming, two incredibly infuriating things. >> that's right. but after seven rounds and 4.4 million votes, the winner in the new holder of the title of the thing we are maddest about is... trump supporters! ( cheers and applause ) wooo! >> congratulations! trump supporters, you did it! you did it! >> congratulations! >> you did it. >> you did it! >> yes. >> you did it! >> yup, yup.

america hates you more than the destruction of the entire planet, baby. >> now, here to accept the first annual can of hate award on the behalf of all trump supporters, close welcome jordan klepper. ( cheers and applause ) >> yes. >> all right, all right, all right guys. to be clear, i'm only here because you guys couldn't get a real trump supporter. i don't-- i do not even like trump. >> you're a white dude. it's close enough. ( laughter ) >> don't forget the hat. >> there you go. >> thank you. go, trump. >> give a speech, give a speech. >> all right, um, your black muslim king has oppressed up-- i am not saying this. i did not write this. i did not write this. >> go to the end, go to the end. >> all right, fine, fine. in closing, our large-handed

reichously endowed leader will pillage-- you know what, ( bleep ) this. no, i'm not doing this. you can keep it, all right, look. i will vote for him, but i'm not going to say this on tv. >> well, hasan, you know what time it is. >> of course, i do, roy. bring it home, baby. >> yeah. let's do it. we got to congratulate the trump supporters. you did. you won the anger of america. >> so cherish the trump supporters because this is your one ( bleep ) moment. ♪ the punch is ploan ♪ you're in a sea of white ♪ it's your comfort zone ♪ he's a maniac ♪ but you have his back ♪ you want the country to be great ♪ like it was in '58 ♪ in one ( bleep ) moment you pissed us all off ♪ in one ( bleep ) moment we told you to ( bleep ) off

♪ you want to build that wall and deport them all ♪ you stand proud and tall that's why we're scawrd of all of y'all ♪ it's one ( bleep ) ( bleep ) moment of all ( bleep ), ( bleep ). >> trevor: thanks to everyone who voted. roy wood, jr., hasan minhaj, everybody. please stop singing. please, stop.

sir, this alien life form is growing at an alarming rate. growing fast, you say? we can't contain it any long... oh! you know, that reminds me of how geico's been the fastest-growing auto insurer for over 10 years straight. over ten years? mhm, geico's the company your friends and neighbors trust. and deservedly so. indeed. geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more.

say they'll save youfor every by switching,surance companies you'd have like a ton of dollars. but how are they saving you those dollars? a lot of companies might answer "um..." or "no comment". then there's esurance - born online, raised by technology and majors in efficiency. so whatever they save, you save: hassle, time, paper work, hair tearing out and, yes, especially dollars. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. come with your choice of soup or salad and a side of homestyle fries. order from over 15 different lunch combos for just 6, 7, or 8 bucks. ♪ got to get up if you want to get down ♪ daddy! you done yet? one last screw sweetie... and we're done! (singing) lil sweet! ahhhhhhhh you deserve the (singing) sweeeet reward of a diet dr pepper. i do? you build this big ole' house with that (singing) tinnnny tool. oh yeah, i did! (singing) aoohhhhhh! hmm, that is sweet!

(singing) ohhh yeahhh! you know the game is about to start if... [sfx: car horn beeps and cat meows.] that's my ride is that our cat? step on it! (singing) lil' sweeeeet diet dr pepper. (singing) it's the sweet one. put more fun in your day with ice-cream-flavored coffees at dunkin' donuts. go for delicious flavors like butter pecan, cookie dough, or new pistachio. enjoy one today. america runs on dunkin'.

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back too "the daily show." my guest tonight is a fox news political analyst and author. his new book is called "we the people." please welcome juan williams. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you so much. by the way, trevor, i totally called third month mania. >> trevor: you did? >> trump supporters don't believe in global warming. so they had that. i mean, they had a knockout straight in. i wish i had my n.c.a.a. brackets as good as i did on them. >> trevor: there were no upsets were there? >> no, they don't believe in police brutality, either. so they knocked that one out. >> trevor: thank you so much for being on the show. >> my pleasure. good to meet you. >> trevor: you are an interesting person for me because i see your face every day. >> thanks for watching. >> trevor -- when watching the news, and you are on on fox. >> right. >> trevor: that must be an interesting world for you to be a part of. >> it is. without a doubt. you know, i mean, people ask me

about this everywhere i go. in addition, remember, i'm on "the five." so it's four against one. so it's really something. >> trevor: let's talk about a circus happening right now, the presidential race. you have been covering presidential races since the 1980s. that's when a-- is this the creativity election you have seen? >> by far. there's no way. in other words, when you pooled in politics in this country, you know about polling. you know about money. you know about name id. this campaign has nothing to do. like trump-- let's stay on trump fair second-- no political background. no policy record. you don't know what he stands for. and the minute he says something they say something else. how about this-- a republican who will say that john mccain, somebody who was a prisoner of war, is a loser. >> because he got caught. >> yes. and then brought to the top. or say george bush lied about weapons of mass destruction. you say, wait a second. i thought this guy was a

republican candidate. what's going on here? how can that be. >> trevor: it's global warming. >> maybe. >> trevor: it really is. >> trevor: let's talk about the book. you're delving about history. how we came to be here. when anybody thinks about the founding fathers of our nation. there are four, they are on a mountain. and what you have done in the book, you almost argue there are more founders who don't have their faces on mountains. >> mount rushmore and normally you think of the founding fathers, jefferson, washington. on the cover of my book i have billy graham, ronald regan, eleanor roosevelt, and thurgood marshall. the idea is-- there are more than four. when people talk about the founding fathers you have about 50 people who signed the declaration of independence and others at the constitutional convention. but when you think about the america you and i are living in in 2016. it's such a different place. you see it playing ow in the

politics when people say, "this is not the america i grew up in." or "i feel like a stranger is it my own country." the idea of the book is who shaped america the way we live in it today, and to do that in 2016, you have to understand, like, black lives matter. where does that come from? it's not just the headlines, trevor. it's the background. a lot of people in black lives matter say, "hey, this is not your mother's movement." guess what? somebody gave birth to this movement. in the book i look at people like jesse jackson. but you also have to look at why is policing done the way it is and in the book-- and people are surprised by this-- i put bill bratton. because of his tactics, the surveillance, the stop and frisk. >> trevor: what's fascinating to me is you are not arguing for or against these people. they shaped the country. >> correct. >> trevor: not positive or negative. you're saying they shaped it in this way. >> a lot of people are saying

they're liberals, libertarians. barry goldwater was talking about gay rights. he was a proponent of gay rice rooits. the idea is, people, much like a sculptor gets in the clay and shapes something thp. these are the people who shaped america as we live in it right now. >> trevor: applying this to the campaign, do you see donald trump shaping america? >> absolutely. let me tell you something, better or worse you said, right-- better or worse, you take the immigration issue. >> trevor: yes. >> that's the one that he has used to vault into the prominence he has. >> trevor: you say vault over the wall. >> well, his wall. by the way, are you paying? if you're paying, i'm coming. and, yes, you take an issue like immigration, you have to understand the roots of resentment to immigration and how things changed and radically changed just since the 60s. so it's not george bush's failure in '06 on immigration reform. it's not ronald regan, even in the 80s. >> trevor: you can go back to

the roots of an issue and show how it grew. >> yes. you can go back president kennedy and the irish resentment, the way they were treated by the boston brahmin. and the jewish resentment about the exclusion of people fleeing nazi germany and the holocaust. and you start to see, oh, that's how you get to immigration reform that opens the door to people-- >> trevor: so basically, those people were the roots, and over time a tree has grown, and trump is a little orange racist flower. >> he's a flower. he's a flower. ( laughter ) ( applause ) is it orange? i have always wondered about that color. >> trevor: we will keep discussing that. "we the people" is available now. it's a fascinating book. telling you all about our history. juan williams, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything.

i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest okay, shut her down. turn it off. right now, buy an iphone and get another one free when you add a second line. thiand being able to use've worked oa pen like thisk. on the screen directly with the image, it takes me back to my time as a painter. and i just can't do that on my mac.

so we brought in world-renowned brainiac, to help him.n taxes. take your finger and press it right here. sfx: camera shutter, buzz, bloop. yay, you got it. intuit turbo tax.

♪ i got the discounts dothat you need ♪l ♪ ♪ safe driver ♪ accident-free ♪ everybody put your flaps in the air for me ♪ ♪ go paperless, don't stress, girl ♪ ♪ i got the discounts that you need ♪ ♪ safe driver ♪ accident-free ♪ everybody put your flaps in the air for me ♪ i can't lip-synch in these conditions. ♪ savings ♪ oh, yeah you could spend or you can spend it on this. ♪ you could spend your buck on this. or you can spend it on this. ♪ this? or this. ♪ this? or any of these ten delicious

items on taco bell's new $1 morning value menu. each for just a buck. the new $1 morning value menu at taco bell. it's not even fair. [sfx: bong] ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's all we have time for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. here it is, your moment of zen. >> well, i mean, a lot of people have been charged with various things. that doesn't necessarily mean we need to demonize them. you've probably been charged with something, too, maybe a misdemeanor or something. it doesn't mean you're an evil, horrible person. and, you know-- >> i actually haven't. >> the problem that we have-- >> larry: hi, i'm basic cable larry wilmore host of the nightly show. we have a special thing, as you may or may not know this is the second year of our march madness bracket challenge and this year villanova won. which means have i to host tontd's show as my