[whooshing] [both grunting] - oh, god! - ow! i saved you! - you almost got me killed, you asshole. god. - i found your phone. - i forgive you. no service. where are we? [bird screeches] we're--we're not home. this is not home. - [bleep]! that glassblower must have messed up the bong when he blew it. ugh. this is not my fault. - it is your fault. you said we'd smoke right back. so now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can't get home and we have no ability to control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuum indefinitely? - i don't know. [ground rustling] [both gasp] [both grunting] - holy shit. - cavemen. - smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. - okay, okay. [bleep], it's cashed. - didn't you bring more weed? - no, i thought we'd be right back. [both grunting] - lie down. pretend you're dead. [both grunting] - [hooting] - [grunting] [both sniffing]

[dramatic music] ♪ - oh! oh! oh! i'm peeing! - me too! ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight i'm so exced, musician sturgill simpson is joining us, people. now, we're going to get to last night's election new of news in just a minute, but first, i'm sure you all saw this.

>> breaking news, in the past two minute we have learned abolitionist harriet tubman will replace andrew jackson on the face of the $20 bill. >> trevor: yeah! wooo! that is so amazing. wow! harriet tubman on the $20 bill. what a momentous occasion, an abolitionist woman who is honored among the great. you can imagine that? and i know, i know the treasury department says this isn't going to go into effect until the year 2030, but it's fine. it's fine. because when it does happen, it's going to be epic. i can tell you now, for at least a year, every black person in america is only going to use $20 bills, only, only, nothing else. ( applause ) people walking around like, "hey, man, gout change for a 20?" "only if you got another 20." that's going to happen. they're going to use 20 for everything. how much for the house. $400,000. cool, 20, 40, 60, 80. so i'll celebrating. i'm loving this. i'm not celebrating too hard yet

because i've learned to be cautious when america makes promises about race. you see i love this-- i love this bill, but this is a fake one that someone put online. we don't actually know which picture of harriet tubman the treasury department is actually going to use and i wouldn't put it past them to find the most light-skinned photo they can. i wouldn't be shocked if they were like, " harriet tubman is a beautiful black woman, but wouldn't it be great if we cast her as halle berry? huh? huh? huh? think about it." all right, let's get to the presidential race. yesterday was the new york primary, and for the democrats it was no contest. hillary clinton beat bernie sanders bad. and bernie knew it wasn't just because fewer people voted for him. >> in new york state today, about 27% of the eligible voters in that state are unable to participate. tens of thousands of people, as i understand it, have been purged from the voting rolls. it's a little bit crazy that in

upstate new york, they opened the polls at 12 noon. >> trevor: you know what many people love about bernie sanders? his blunt honesty. yeah. he speaks his mind. although, you have to admit, sometimes he comes off a little paranoid. just-- just in moments, he sounds like a senior citizen who doesn't trust his jamaican nurse. ( laughter ) "she's laughing at me. she thinks i don't know, but she's stealing by goddamn snickers! something's going on." ( applause ) and, and i will say this, bernie sanders is right about some things. voters shouldn't be purged without reason and warning and polls shouldn't open when people are already at work but everyone is playing in the same system and the rules apply to everybody. and hillary, say what you want about her, she plaild the rules right. last night was all about her. she won her adopted home state, got new york city, and she even knot a little swag coming out for her victory speech ♪ new york

>> trevor: yeah, hillary. yeah. ( cheers and applause ) it's been a long time since we've seen the winning side of hillary. see that, she's got the swag of a producer who just created her next hit. look at that. that's the same move she made when she was vindicated in the benghazi hearing. hillary didn't forget to give her shout-outs. >> mikey spent six months in rikers for a low-level drug offense, and he found out how hard it is for people who have done their time to find jobs when they get out. mikey managed to start his own ice cream shop. i highly recommend it, as you might have seen. i couldn't stop myself from eating it. >> trevor: wait, wait, so a guy with low-level drug offenses gave hillary an ice cream he concocted? and she couldn't stop eating it? ( laughter )

just-- just me, just me? her eating it? hmmm. what is this, banana splits? on the republican side the choice was between three candidates and voters lined up like a kid at a popsicle stand and said, "we'll take the orange one." yes, donald trump crushed it. he won by a landslide in his home state and he was surrounded by all of his children-- no, no, no, his children. thank you, his children. you know what's awkward, is technically they're not all his, but they still took his name. it's the buildings! it's just a joke! ( applause ) you know the one thing you know about trump? is that when he wins, he's going to savor the moment spp as always, you can trust trump to choose the best music to walk out to. ♪ and find i'm king of the hill

top of the heap ♪ ( laughter ) >> trevor: what a fitting song because that will be the anthem of most people had trump's elected president-- ♪ start spreading the news i'm leaving today ♪ ( cheers and applause ) now, now donald trump may have made us listen to an old sopg, but what we got to see yesterday was a new trump. he was succinct, disciplined, and respectful. which, according to the media, made him presidential as balls. >> donald trump takes on a more polaroidial tone. >> his tone is already becoming more presidential. >> very disciplined. he didn't call senator ted cruz lyin' ted. >> more presidential, senator cruz, not lyin' cruz. did you notice that? >> trevor: and he wasn't racist, and he didn't call any

female reporters a bimbo? this guy's ready for the white house! ( applause ) this is ridiculous! trump has basically lowered the media's expectations so much, that not insulting someone seems presidential to them. it's straight out of the "art of the deal." wear people down to the point that they will settle for the bare minimum. trump stabbed a stranger on 5th avenue. yeah, but at least he didn't shoot them. he's so presidential. >> once cnn projects winners, the lights will change to correspond to the colors that cnn is using to represent each candidate. this is what a donald trump victory would look like with the top of the empire state building a dark red crimson. >> trevor: kno cnn you're tellig people to get their news they should stop watching, go owz and then what, hold paint swatches up to the empire state building?

what color is the building? oh, it's brownish aqua. that means three people charged in the flint water scandal. thanks, cnn. why don't you tell the people the news? ( applause ) and this is what happens. cnn had different colors planned for all the candidates if they want. so, like, if kasich won, it would have turned a bland beige. if cruz won, it would have been black, since that's the color of his soul. ( laughter ) if hillary clinton won, it would turn whatever color the most popular at that particular moment. and if the building turned dplitter, then that means that princess pappedda has returned from the panda land! it's princess panned aeverybody! princess panda! ( applause ) >> say, trevor, i've come to rain over the world once more. >> trevor: princess panda it's been so long. why did we banish you in the first place? >> i don't know, but boy the

world has changed. "the daily show" is being hosted by a ( bleep ). >> trevor: oh, that was-- that was the reason we banished you. you're a horrible racist panda. that's-- >> hee-hee! bye now. >> trevor: i can't believe you guys chaired for the racist panda. disgusting. all right, where were we? oh, yes, donald trump. now, you might wonder why donald trump won new york or actually how he wins any state given that his campaign has basically been run by speedy gonzales. it's cartoonish and impossible to pin down and always insulting to mexicans. as always, as always, the key to understanding trump's success is understanding who his competition is. check out this piece of ted cruz's concession speech from last night. >> join me now on this journey of less talk and more action, real solutions because i know you. you may have been knocked down, but america has always been best when she is lying down with her

back on the mat. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? at no point did he think this was weird? he sounds like he's reading his erotic america fan fiction to an empty room. just listen to that again. >> america has always been best when she is lying down with her back on the mat. >> trevor: opening her oval office wide, beg are for democracy. her swimsuit area as bald as an american eagle. this guy is se so weird. you know the best part of the entire primary yesterday? it didn't come from the results or from the speeches, but instead, it came from america's most trusted news source. >> you got facebook, still a top trending topic from last night-- ted cruz. somebody was watching the "maury povich show." this episode of maury povich was

about a paternity test for this girl and a watchful viewer thought this looked exactly like ted cruz. ( applause ) that is so insane. that's a real person on the requested poaf show." it looked like ben carson separated them at birth. and, and the similarities don't end there because last night that woman won exactly as many delegates as ted cruz. we'll be right back. ( cheers and shoulders. they don't just carry backpacks. they carry anticipation. the promise of late nights you'll never forget. and early mornings you wish you could. shoulders carry hope for the future. but always owning today.

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there was fx's miniseries about the o.j. simpson trial. and, obviously, netflix has revisited the "full house" scandal, stamos and horse fetish, disgusting. and with ones about the menendez brothers and jonbenet ramsey, they feel like they're having a 90s moment. clearly this is a huge ratings opportunity and "the daily show" refuses to miss out on these opportunities so we've made a 90s show of our own. >> two decades ago, it shocked a nation. >> another closely watched trial began today in manassas, virginia. >> what really happened between lorena and john wayne bobbitt. >> lorina is charged with the vushes wounding of the sexual mutilation of her husband. >> she'll be on trial for cutting off her penis. >> i'm going to chop off europeanis and throw it in a field. >> aaaahhh! >> i chopped off his p, and now

i'm going to throw it in a field. >> you think you know the whole story, think again. >> i still think we should have hired someone else to do it. >> greatest 90s story ever told. all of it. >> so what are we going to do now, notorious b.i.g. >> well, we kill tupac. >> you going to chop off his p. >> literally, every story from the 90s. amy fisher. >> bang. >> dr. kevorkian. davidicdavid karesh. monica lewinsky, and the unabomber. the people versus the 90s, incredible story, terrible hair. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: don't forget to tune in, america. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) i would like three weeks vacation.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a grammy-nominated musician whose new album is called "a sailor's guide to earth." now to play the song "in bloom" from that album, please welcome sturgill simpson! ( cheers and applause )

♪ sell the kids for food weather changes moods ♪ spring is here again reproductive glands ♪ he's the one who likes all our pretty songs ♪ and he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun ♪ but he don't know what it means ♪ don't know what it means to love someone.

♪ we can have some more nature is a whore ♪ bruises on the fruit tender age in bloom ♪ he's the one who likes all our pretty songs ♪ and he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun ♪ but he don't know what it means ♪ don't know what it means to love someone.

♪ he's the one who likes all our pretty songs ♪ and he likes to sing along and he likes to shoot his gun ♪ but he don't know what it means ♪ don't know what it means when i say he's the one who

likes all our pretty songs ♪ likes to sing along don't know what it means ♪ don't know what it means to love someone ♪ love someone ( cheers and applause )

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a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here with sturgill simpson, who is now officially number one on the itunes charts. congratulations. >> thank you very much. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: can i just take a second to say, obviously, the song is amazing, but, like, is this a choice that everything you own looks really old? >> yeah, actually, it's intentional. >> trevor: is that a musical thing or-- >> older stuff sounds better. >> trevor: oh, yeah. i like the way you say that. it makes it sound real.

you've got that voice-- >> it sounds like the records we love. >> trevor: old school. >> old school. >> trevor: let's talk about the album itself. i read a beautiful write-up on it and highway you talked it bit was basically a all righ letterr infant son. >> correct. >> trevor: do you not plan to speak to him? >> things happen. >> trevor: it's a beautiful story. the song we just heard was nirvana's "in bloom," i'm assuming a huge influence on you. >> yeah, when i was about 13, that record of like a bomb going off in my bedroom, so i wanted-- i thought it also captured lyrically whether he intended or not. i found that the lyrics lent themselves to a good narrative for every young boy's life around the post-pubescent age. >> trevor: you're the kind of guy i want in an emergency situation. you know on the plane when they go, "keep calm." i'm like who's going to keep

calm? sturnlgil's going to keep calm. >> you have no idea. >> trevor: sturgill simpson's new album "a sailor's guide to earth" is available now. now to play us out with "call to arms," please welcome once again sturgill simpson. ♪ ♪ ♪ syria, afghanistan, iraq and iran, north korea ♪ tell me where does it end the bodies keep piling up ♪ every day how many more are they ♪ gonna send they send our sons and daughters ♪ off to die for some oil and to control the heroin ♪ son i hope you don't grow up believing that you have to be ♪ a puppet to be a man

♪ they'll cut off your hair and put a patch on your arm and strip you of your identity ♪ tell you to keep your mouth shut boy and get in line ♪ to meet your maker overseas earing that kim jong il hat while your grandma's selling pills stat ♪ meanwhile i'm wearing my can't pay my bills hat ♪ nobody's looking up to care about a drone ♪ we're all too busy looking down at our phone ♪ our ego's begging for food like a dog from our feed ♪ refreshing obsessively until our eyes start to bleed ♪ they serve up distractions and we eat them with fries ♪ until the bombs fall out of

our skies ♪ ♪ comedy central (cheers and applause).