- wow, great view. - yeah, it's okay. - huh. - i can read this. - what? - yeah. i know the greek alphabet. - wait, how? - from my one semester at sdt at rutgers before i dropped out. i'm a sorority girl, remember? - right. yeah. - [speaking greek] there's an event or something? hold on. excuse me. - wow. - okay. [burps] there's a really hot party tonight. free wine, beans, chestnuts, and toasted wheat! yes! - nice! dude, i could so use a party after that child rearing. my god. - we earned this time period, right? - yeah, we did. yes. - i'm gonna do a smoky eye and a nude lip. what are you gonna do? - i guess i'll put on a toga. - greek salad. - greek salad. [exotic techno music] ♪

- ♪ hey ♪ hey ♪ - this party is great, huh? - yeah. thank you. - except for all the kids. - no, it's good, you know? greeks are way more enlightened. kids should mingle with adults. we should treat them like real people. she literally doesn't know anyone else here. ♪ - ♪ hey ♪ - [speaking greek] ♪ - ♪ hey ♪ [woman moaning]

- oh, it's that kind of party. - oh. - mm. - well, when in rome, right? - wait, we're in rome? - no, we're in greece. - oh, yeah, i thought greece. i just--i got confused when you said rome. - no, yeah, greece. - okay. - okay. bye. [upbeat bouzouki music] ♪ [intense techno music] ♪ [people moaning] - hey! - oh, hi! how are you? - oh! i'm great. this is crazy, right?

- i know. do you think it's safe? - i don't know. i mean, i'm wearing a sheep's bladder as a condom, but i mean, i hope it works. i think people are really drawn to my teeth, because i don't-- i'm, like, doing really well. - yeah, everybody's doing really well. it's an orgy. - well, yeah. [both laugh] good point. - you know what? i don't think we've partied together since high school. - whoa. is that true? how can that be true? - i don't know. we just started hanging out with different groups, you know? - yeah. - and then when grandma died... - we became roommates, and when you're roommates, you never make plans to hang out. you just complain and... - talking about how you leave piss on the seat. - or how you never take out the trash or do the dishes. - or how you ejaculate on my electronics... - [laughs] - repeatedly. - sorry. i know. sorry. well, you know what? it has been really great seeing you blossom on this trip. - and how about you, dude? back at home, i feel like you were... stuck.

but here you put yourself out there, and it pays off. i mean, a girl is sucking your [bleep] right now. - i know! it's crazy. this has been so fun. - i wouldn't have wanted to time travel with anybody else. - aw. that's cool. me either. best cousins. - best cousins. greek salad. - greek salad. ♪ ooh! ♪ huh. - oh! - [gasps] - what is that? - oh! - is that a b-- - did we-- - did we f-- [both scream] - did we-- - did we f-- or, spend it on a burritorrito from a burrito place. burger place? or burrito place? burger. or try one of 10 items like our grilled breakfast burrito. taco bell's new $1 morning value menu. [bong] chocolatey caramel. there's 22 flavors. why should you be pop-tart president?

america needs my... ahh! [kuchunk!] fascinatin'. next? me! me! [kuchunk! kuchunk! kuchunk! kuchunk! kuchunk!] come to puppy. ♪tadaaa! crazy good! if rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e we'll be over here flowing caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®. that's like my grandma the kcooked, my mom cooked. i make a lot of banana bread because the baby likes bananas. (laughs) whatever home means to you, we'll help you find it. zillow. ♪ i'm walkin', yes indeed ♪ ♪ and i'm talkin' 'bout you and me ♪ ♪ i'm hopin' that you'll come back to me ♪ ( ♪ ) ♪ i'm hopin' that you'll come back to me ♪ thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some? you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios.

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- oh, my god. did we f-- [retching] - [retching] i don't know. i don't think so. i don't think so. oh, god, but it's hard to remember. it's such a blur. bodies and passion and-- [gagging] [both retching] - we're cousins, jeff. - [retching and spitting] i know, sharee. - [retches] i knew i shouldn't have come with you. - what? - i knew this was a bad idea! - before you time traveled, you'd never had an orgasm and you were dating a married guy.

- i like my life. i like my job at hertz. i like my shitty married boyfriend. you were the one trying to escape your sad life. now we're both weird loser [bleep]-cousins. - alleged! - ew! ew! - you didn't seem to mind when your finger was in my butthole. - that was you? - you said my butthole was tighter than a dime and i need to loosen up. - stop! oh, god! listen. if we ever get back to 2016, i think you should move out. - fine. you know what? if we ever get back to 2016, i will. in fact, i think we need some space right now. - great idea. - [giggling] - but let's maybe get it somewhere else. - yeah, there's some serious abuse happening here. - oh, it's rough. [dramatic music] ♪ [whooshing] oh, i forgot to get a greek salad! ♪ [whooshing] [both grunting] it does not get any easier.

- ah. - god. is that a flying car? [engine whirring] - it's the future. - [laughs] oh, my god. ♪ - this must be a dump. - god. - let's get out of here. - yikes. ♪ ugh. - nope. - another dead end. - maybe we should get high. - ooh, there's got to be something to smoke out of here. - no, i mean get higher up and see if we can see where the exit is. - fine. - all right, come on. - [grunts] [ominous music] ♪ oh, my god. did you just fart? - no! i think you're probably smelling the huge pile of trash you're on. - duh. sorry.

- it's okay. ♪ - [grunting] ooh, god. god, it is redonkulously hot. - oh, my god, you're really red. - holy shit, so are you. - ah. ow! - we're burning alive! - ooh! ow! get in the shade. get in the shade. - there's no shade. it's just trash. - shit. - oh! - oh! - oh, god! i can smell your skin. - ooh, it's sizzling. - oh, my god. - oh. - good idea. let's get out of here! - give me the bong. give me the bong. - go! - i can't. my fingers are too sweaty. [gasps] oh, my god. [hip-hop music playing] ♪ [music stops] oh, thank you. - [speaking a chinese language] - english. - do you speak english? - [with chinese accent] yes, english. i am dasani. this is my friend aquafina.

and that's jojo. - are you guys doing an accent? - yeah, i know we just met, but that's kind of racist. - i'm not doing accent. chinese is first official language of america. - you use accent like drunk uncle does at holiday. it's very passé. [laughs] - me so sorry. ah, it is almost noon. we must get inside. come. - "me so sorry"? - it just came out. i don't know. - we are so happy to meet new defectors of the evil corporation nomsanto. - now that you're out, you can finally learn the truth. - yeah, walk us through some stuff. pretend like we don't know anything. - [blowing forcefully] nomsanto is agricultural biotechnology company that rules our world. - in 2009, citizens united allowed corporations to sponsor elections. - nomsanto gained influence and abolished the environmental protections agency. - so earth grew too hot for plants to grow, and the world was plagued with famine.

corporations kept merging until there were only two: nomsanto and vivid entertainment. - the porn company? - yes. - that's awesome. - why did you defect? is the resistance forming? - actually, we're not defectors. - are you spies? - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. we're not spies, okay? we're not spies. - no. no, no, no, no. - well, who are you, then? - we're time travelers. - [gasps] did you employ the principles of the tipler cylinder? - can you confirm our schroedinger equation in qm? - mm...no. - we've been working on a time traveling tool to save our world. and we developed this. - the bong but fixed. - we can go home. - it's a time traveling bong. - we know. - yeah. - it started as a silly idea among friends when we would drink gasoline. - but then it actually turned out to be a thing. - which is pretty hilarious. - since nothing can grow on earth anymore, we cannot use it 'cause it's fueled by the ancient herb marijuana. - oh, my god, i have weed. - [gasps] [ethereal vocal music]

♪ - sticky, right? - so [bleep] sticky. [bird screeches] [blipping] [beeping] [alarm beeping] [both speaking a chinese language] - we should use your sweet bud to time travel immediately. - or we could keep the seeds and synthetically replicate it. there's a huge market for it. i know some guys who could distribute. - we don't have to be "dealers." we would just sell enough that we smoke for free. - no, no, no, no, or you guys could do your original plan, which is to time travel. - well, we don't know if the bong works yet, so we might as well get high first anyway. - no, it does work. look. we used it to get here. - uh, what the [bleep] is that? - it's your bong. - it looks like shit. - yeah, well, we broke it. - but we used it to get here. we got it from these future people, this black lady and this white dude.

they're wearing "star trek" stuff-- [both gasp] [all groaning] [dramatic music] ♪ - [groaning] ♪ - sharee. come along to try these cookie master blasts. she loves mint ice cream and oreo cookies. - (laughing) - they're like dessert soul mates. - right. - speaking of which, when are you gonna find a nice girl, tj? i dated tons of girls! - name one. - just give me a second! okay, just pick one name. it's tough to go through all of them. just say a woman's name. - ...glarverine. - glarverine?! oh, she sounds nice! two dessert soul mates unite in our new cookie master blasts. and get half-price shakes after 8 pm and a free slush when you download the new sonic app.

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- sharee! - they took the weed. - yeah, and sharee. where did they take her? - there's an incinerator room at the core of the nomsanto center. - oh, my god. i have to save her. sharee! - hey, actually, i don't know my way around here. can you guys show me how to get to the nomsanto center? - oh, yeah. - yeah, definitely. - all right, let's hurry, though. - get my gloves. - guys, please, no. what are you gonna do to me? - you were found in possession of plant life, which is illegal. - that is such bullshit. nature rules us, not the other way around. [both laugh] [dramatic music] ♪ - we can go no further. our id chips might sound the alarms.

you must go alone. - i don't know if i can do this alone, guys. - here, take this. - it is your only hope to escape. but promise us, jeff, you will come back for us. together we must save the planet. - uh, i mean, i'll try, yeah. i gue--i'll try. okay? cool. so is there, like, a secret entrance, or, like, can you override an access code? can you hack into the system and shut down security so i can-- - nope. - that'd be great, right? we can't. just can't do it. - i wish. that'd be so cool. - oh. - but there is one way you can get inside undetected. you must climb through the biohazard chute. - this shit? - through there will take you straight to the n'energy core. - i can't climb up there. there's condoms and syringes and shit. what if i get aids? - what? oh, no, aids has been eradicated. - it has? wow, i guess that's one good thing about the future. [sighs] okay. thank you, guys. i'll never forget you. - you are coming back for us, though, right? - yeah, i'll do my best. oh, this is just open.

whoof. this is the only way? no other way? wow. wow. okay. okay. oof, jesus. god, it stinks! oof! - aids hasn't been eradicated. - i know. it's worse than ever. but he was freaking out, so that's life. [scanner beeping] - oh, god. [whimpering] please, no. please, please, please. please, please. what are you doing? no! oh, god! oh, god damn it! that was just starting to heal. [muffled screaming] - [laughs] [dramatic music] - i can't do this. mm-mm.

oh! oh! where am i? oh! [spits] okay. [alarm blaring] oh. [sputtering] oh! oh! [gasping] [whimpering]

[dramatic music] ♪ - [muffled whimpering] - you are an illegal citizen, and possession of plant life is punishable by death. ♪ - this is the third computer you've destroyed. [echoing] destroyed. - it's not my fault everything breaks if a drop of jizz hits it. [echoing] drop of jizz hits it. - aim, jeff. [echoing] aim. ♪ - [moans]

♪ oh. you can do it, jeff. come on. [echoing] i can't get off without porn. i can't get off without porn. ♪ - [muffled whimpering] ♪ - oh, please. ♪ [exciting music] ♪ [electricity crackling] oh! oh! [dramatic music] [alarm blaring] [woman speaking a chinese language over p.a. system] - come on. come on, jeff. come on. come on. - [groaning] sharee, i [bleep] without porn. - i saw. i literally couldn't look away.

- i have the bong. - yes! we can smoke it and go home. - it's going to be hard without this. - no! i'm gonna kill you, bitch! [alarm continues blaring] yes! ow, god. [whooshing] [whooshing] - oh! [laughs] - oh! oh! - oh, my god! - we're home! - we're home! oh! we're home! - wait, wait. - yes. - did you just smoke your hair? - yeah. remember in 2007 when britney spears had her meltdown? she saved her head 'cause she didn't want to be tested for thc 'cause she would lose her children. and i realized i must have enough thc in my hair,

so i smoked it, and it worked. - that's genius. you are so smart. - i am. i'm smart now. - oh. [gasps] crispin! - crispin! hi! - oh, crispin! - oh, my god! hi! - oh, we missed you, buddy. - oh, my god, there is so much i missed. - me too. - running water. [triumphant music] medicine. - toilet paper! [doorbell rings] both: food! [laughter on tv] [both laugh] [pounding at door] - oh, god, yeah. - come on, let's go. applebee's happy hour ends in 30 minutes. i'm not paying full price for shit. - jesus. okay, we're not dating anymore. i'm breaking up with you. - cut the bullshit, fat tits. come on, let's go. - you know, i might have [bleep] my cousin, and it was a healthier situation than this. - wait a minute. what did you say? - [slurping] mm, sorry. this is the best time.

- it really is. you know, i didn't realize before how shitty the world has been for women forever. - mm. yeah. - i really learned that i need to be the best woman that i can be. i owe it to the women who've suffered before me. - i learned...how to masturbate without porn. - that's something. - that's huge. - it's something. - that's huge. [sighs] i always said i was... both: born in the wrong decade. - i know. - but i was just blaming my stupid life on that. and the fact is, i'm really lucky to have been born now, and i need to take advantage of it and not make excuses, you know? - totally. that's amazing. - thank you. - another classic from the king of pop, michael jackson. both: whoa! - one of his greatest hits from 1986... - our son. - "left behind." - ♪ you took me ♪ then you left me - you don't think that's about us. - ♪ white mommy

♪ and white daddy ♪ white mommy and white daddy ♪ hee-hee - that's about us, yeah. - okay. - ooh. - i'm definitely done with time travel. - me too. - what should we do with the bong? - hmm. [somber music] ♪ [sighs] - okay, i have to talk a couple things through. - yeah. - why aren't there doubles of us? - oh. - also, how did the future people get here in the first place if they didn't have weed? - mm-hmm. - also, i'm like, "why didn't we land "where the future people landed in the street when we first saw them?" you know, aren't there parallel, alternate timelines that we're dealing with here? - yeah, there's a lot of theory about time travel, right, and i've been giving it a lot of thought, and i think i figured it out. here's the airtight logic. so-- [door slams] [dramatic percussive music]

♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. our guest tonight, senior political writer for buzzfeed news, mckay coppins is it joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but let's get right to it. another big primary night. five more states voted yesterday, so we're now five states closer to the apocalypse. but last night was all about the northeast, and the northeast was all about the tangerine terror. >> donald trump delivering a crushing blow, dominating his rivals with a five-state primary sweep. it is now mathematically

impossible for any republican contender but him to clinch the nomination before convention. >> trevor: that's right, people, mathematically impossible. that's how hard donald trump crushed it last night. he defeated math. ( laughter ) numbers were, like, "we've done all we can, guys. we're done. talk to the letters. we're out." ( laughter ) i'm going to be honest. i think trump winning all these states is an absolute disaster, and not just because of his terrible ideas, but because i was-- i was really looking forward to a contested convention, you know. really, i wanted a contested convention so bad, i've already picked out my outfit. ( laughter ) i think i look pretty good. can i just take a second to mention-- yeah, i slay. but i'm still holding out some hope because these guys have a plan. >> ted cruz and john kasich officially joining forces in a sort of last-ditch effort to try to sink donald trump at a contested convention. let's call it "team krasick."

>> trevor: let's not do that. team krasick? that sounds like a sorority girl's insult. "that bitch is crazy and sick. she cray-sick." she literally flipped over a table, cray-sick. if you remember, a few days another ted cruz and john kasich announced a trump ( bleep ) blocking alliance in which kasich would stop campaigning in indiana and in return, cruz would stop campaignin campaignin and new mexico. and the alliance is going very, very well, except for the alliance parts. >> it seems as though neither candidate is willing to kind of explicitly come out in these different states and say vote for the other guy. >> so who should your supporters vote for in indiana ginever told them not to vote for me. >> i'm not campaigning in indiana, and he's not campaigning in these other states. that's all.

that's all it is. >> thank you, guys. >> it's not a big deal. ( laughter ) >> trevor: what is going on here? first off, i'm starting to worry about you governor kasich? why are you always eating? why are you-- do you have a tapeworm? is that what you have. and this really shouldn't be that's hard, though. all kasich basically has to do to help cruz in indiana is not get votes, which is something he's pretty good at by now. but kasich supporters, they're not helping. >> even with a so-called alliance, there's no guarantee that cruz would defeat trump in the hoosier state. 22% of kasich supporters say trump is actually their second choice. >> trevor: you know what? i give up. i don't understand how american elections work. how is trump your second option after kasich? how does that like-- like, these candidates couldn't be more different. those same people, i bet they dp out, and, "yes, i'd like a plain bowl of oatmeal, please. but if you're out of, that i'll

just butt chuck some sriracha, thank you, thank you. it's one or the other, one or the other, second choice." now if trump wins indiana he basically clirches the nomination, so for cruz, indiana is do or die. if you don't know, indiana is the hoosier place, a place where basketball is life. to win their hearts all cruz has to do is make a simple basketball metaphor, and it's a slam dunk. >> casting himself as the underdog at the celebrated hoosier gym cruz tried to recreate this famous scene from the film. >> i think you'll find the exact same measurements. >> but cruz tripped up on the punch line calling it a basketball ring. >> the amazing thing is that basketball ring here in indiana. >> trevor: air ball! air ball. how could you mess that up? ted cruz trying to be cool "i was shooting rings with my byes

and i plunked the ball in, nothing but cotton webbing." so indiana wasn't cruz's best moment. but it wasn't his worst moment. yeah, see his worst moment he saved for today. >> if i am nominated to be president of the united states, they will run... on a ticket, with my vice presidential nominee, carly fiorina. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: first of all, let's acknowledge that he almost said "but president. let's acknowledge that, with my but, but, but, president. none of this seems to concern donald trump who is calling himself the presumptive nominee and turned his attention to the other big winner, hillary. >> i think the only card she has is the woman's card. she has nothing else going. and frankly, if hillary clinton were a man, i don't think she'd

get 5% of the vote. the only thing she's got going is the woman's card. >> trevor: okay, okay. let's go with trump. yes, hillary does play the woman card. she does, she does, because she's a woman. ( laughter ) it's the same way you play the racist douchebag card. this is who you are. we all play the cards we have. so, yes, hillary does play the woman card. but you know what other cards she plays? the the secretary of state card. the same person we trust with the nuclear codes card. the only card she doesn't have is a working metro card. that's pretty much the only one she doesn't have. but hillary didn't take this lying down. last night, she shot back. >> the other day, mr. trump accused me of playing the "woman card." ( booing ) we