and the movie offers are coming in like wildfire, but i'm not gonna say yes to just any project. that's why i had you the fans, help me write a screenplay in a new segment called "twitten by" clever and cute! [laughter] i started by sending out a single tweet and you guys took over. "the year is 2011. daniel wakes up. and he wakes up next to a sweaty but satisfied antonio banderas, his anus was aflame with the pain of a forgotten night. later that day he sees a bunch of dead hookers. really, just a crazy amount of dead hookers. [laughter] one of them was all filled with babies. and she had herpes. [laughter] then his mother reveals to him that she is pregnant. and he is the father. tosh's father is upset, yet not surprised. [laughter] so he masturbates with his own tears, and screamed "i just bought tickets for your tour

when it goes to indiana! i love you :) i'm so excited!" "he wanted to get out of town in time to catch the sale at the perry ellis outlet mall but he found himself surrounded by al-qaeda. he was outnumbered but still managed to pleasure each man accordingly. [laughter] no one was unsatisfied! yes, i had to do gay stuff in prison, but that was for survival. survival! boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner boner. he dies. end of movie." [laughter] that one was a real tear-jerker. see you next week. good night. [cheers & applause] ♪

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everyone! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much! our guest tonight author josh king is joining us. but first, a lot of people -- a lot of people hate on starbucks. i've noticed this in thest. i love starbucks. you probably don't know this about me but trevor actually isn't my real name. my real name is (hard to pronounce african name). when i first came to america and went to starbucks and told them my name and they were, like, mmm... trevor. and it stuck. it worked for me. they're like the ellis island of chain coffee houses so i was shocked this morning when i saw this. >> a woman is suing starbucks for putting too much ice in its cold drinks. >> the suit alleging the brand serves more eyes than coffee, underfill drinks to make more money and higher profits. >> trevor: what? the only time you should

complain something you bought came with too much ice is if you were on the titanic. that's the only time you can complain. then you can be, like, there was way too much ice and also someone had sex in my car -- two stars. that's the only time you can complain about it. too much ice is such a first world problem. are you kidding me? you think people in armenia are getting had over too much ice? you don't think they pray every day to the ice god keromang for ice? they don't, armenia is christian. you guys are racists. if you don't want too much ice in your coffee, there there's an option for you, it's called coffee. so chill. the indiana primary. we don't know the results, but one way or the other, the prierms are winding to a close. >> all eyes on indiana. come down to indiana do. or die for the ted cruz campaign. >> pretty much over for trump.

trump is faiferred to win many of indiana's delegates. >> ted cruz faces what may be the last chance to show he is still in this game. >> trevor: wow. time flys doesn't it? seems like yesterday when republican voters were like the bachelor on episode 1. excited and nervous, staring at dozens of smiling contestants who all wanted to (bleep) them and now sometime they've narrowed the entire field down to the donald, a man who loves punching, and lying ted, the world's most punchable man, and boy has indiana been punching. >> his late-night rally filling only half the room and earlier some ugly exchanges. >> let me shake your hand! (audience yelling suggestions) (audience reacts) >>2dydkxéz trevor: nooooo! damn that's cold!

somebody should call state farm because ted cruz just got burned to the (bleep) ground! oh! you know, i think it's time to reevaluate your presidential prospects when you're getting too slowed by the citizens. you know what? you can't help it with ted cruz. you have to be a dick to him. it's nature. that's what it is. even if he won the whole election, i wouldn't be surprised if on inauguration day, chief justice would be there, "put your hand on the bible. psych! too slow!" (laughter) but ted cruz, he was like a white guy in 1950s alabama trying to find a restaurant. everywhere he went, he got served. >> i want to be everyone's president, those who vote for me and -- >> we don't want you. hat do you like about donald trump. >> everything. give me anything. do you know on the wall, donald trump told the "new york

times" -- (shouting) >> get in linelying ted! lying ted! >> trevor: it's like he has turrets -- lying ted, lying ted! build the wall! build the wall! shows you how out of touch ted cruz, is he's building up the "new york times" to a guy who looks like he sells loosie cigarettes to the juggalos. the only time he's going to change his mind is if he has a vision with an unopened can of spray paint. some of the insults got really mean. (yelling insults) >> trevor: what? firstly, firstly, i love how that guy followed up -- you look like a fish monster with, and

you're a terrible person! (laughter) you're a fish monster on the inside, too! calling ted cruz a fish monster isn't acceptable. the scientific term for what ted cruz looks like is psychrolutes marcidus -- or blobfish. yes. (laughter) that's a real fish, people. that is a real fish. and, so, the fish is the one on the left. (laughter) and that's the real thing. and i feel bad for ted. but you know who i feel likely bad for? -- i feel really bad for? carly fiorina i don't actually, but just for the joke, let's say i do. she's like a passenger who boards a ship as it's sinking. speaking of sinking, this is the one time i'll ask you to pay attention to carly fiorina. keep watching carly fiorina. >> and the next president to have the united states, ted cruz! >> carly fiorina, the senator 's running mate losing her footing

as he was introducing the cruz family -- >> trevor: that's the second time carly's dropped out of the race. (audience reacts) carly falling down is a little funny for me. carly falling down at an event where ted cruz is talking about the country being at the edge of a cliff -- that's a bit funnier. (laughter) carly falling down while running a campaign against the one man who would never let that (bleep) go? now we're talking. >> she just went down! she went down a long way, right? and she went down right in front of him and he was talking and he kept talking and cruz didn't do anything! even i would have helped her, okay? no, it's true! >> trevor: even i would have helped her! even i would have helped her and she's a four at best! even i would have helped her! guys, we're in a presidential

race right now, and this is what's happening! damn! although if donald trump did help carly, i'm sure that would be the first woman over 30 he's ever tried to pick up. (audience reacts) (applause) that really was harsh. so trump was slamming cruz hard. but you know what happens when someone's being bullied one too many times? they call their dad. >> ted cruz's father, a minister who's been campaigning for him in th the evangelical community. >> i exhort every member of the body of christ to stand for the word of god and to vote for the candidate who stands for the word of god and the constitution of the united states of america and i am convinced that is my son ted cruz. >> trevor: wow -- every member of the body of christ? i would have just said,

christians, please vote for ted cruz. you didn't have to go into body parts. that just made it weird -- i exhort the inner thigh to have the body of christ to -- thigh of the body of christ to vote for my son! (laughter) then after papa cruz weighed in, it was trump's turn. >> the "national enquirer" story about ted cruz's father rafael being pictured allegedly with lee harvey oswald. >> here's the whole thing, his father was with lee harvey oswald prior to oswald being shot and nobody even brings it up. they don't even talk about that. that was reported and nobody talks about it. >> there is a picture that reportedly shows rafael cruz standing with lee harvey oswald. >> trevor: that's correct people, ted cruz's dad asked people to vote for his son and in response donald trump accused him of killing president

kennedy. (laughter) so then backed into a corner on what could very well be his last day on the campaign trail, cruz did something he only does in the most desperate situations, he told the truth. >> i'm going to do something i haven't done for the entire campaign. i'll tell you what i really think of donald trump. this man is a pathological liar. donald has a real problem with women. i'll tell you as the father of two young girls, the idea of our daughters coming home and repeating any word that man says horrifies me. donald trump is a serial philanderer and boasts about it, talks about how great it is to commit adultery. >> trevor: that's all true but unfortunately no one will listen to what a fish monster says. if this is what you likely think of trump where were you in the past months where saying that would have mattered? >> like donald trump, he's a friend of mine. i won't attack him or impugn his character. donald trump is bringing a bold,

brash voice to this presidential race -- >> trevor: lying ted! lying ted! lying ted! we'll be right back. lying ted! lying ted! lying ted! (cheers and applause)

hey nithanks. today. juicy fruit? sure i'll try a piec.... juicy fruit. so sweet you

can't help but chew.

if rigcascading caramel on cookie all night,e we'll be over here flowing caramel on cookie. wouldn't it be funny if they were all working late just because they thought we were working late? (all laughing) they're not that stupid. try both. pick a side. twix®. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." now, we have been talking about american politics, and sometimes it's really weird, you know -- even when it doesn't involve ted cruz's face. (laughter) here's an example: right now, only men have to register for the military draft. women don't. the draft is basically, like, the world's worst nightclub. there's no women, you can't leave and there is definitely going to be a fight. recently a congressman named duncan hunter introduce add bill that would force women to register for the draft. he didn't actually want women in the draft. he just heard people debating

about it and wanted to prove no one would vote on a bill for that to happen so he introduced the bill. that's ludicrous. do voters know their representatives spend time on this frivolous (bleep)? there are politicians campaigning, like, i'm going to washington to propose sarcastic legislation. and people are, like, are you being sarcastic now? no... i'm going to actually help you -- idiots. there is people doing this! the weird thing, the fake bill duncan proposed sarcastically actually passed. >> many of his colleagues in the house armed services committee thought requiring women to register for the draft is actually a good idea. >> while you may be offering this as a gotcha amendment, i would suggest there is great merit in recognizing that each of us have an obligation to be willing to serve our country in time of war. >> the house armed services committee backed congressman

duncan hunter's amendment by a 32-33 vote. >> trevor: i love. this they -- i love this. they called his bluff so hard. can you imagine this is how women will get drafted? we won't remember it starting this way. maybe like with abraham lincoln, maybe he was being sarcastic. maybe someone was like, hey, abe, you should treat your slaves bert and he was, like, huh, why don't we just set them all free? that's a great idea! yeah, i guess... (laughter) i understand a lot of americans are uneasy with women serving in combat because american soldiers are subjected to grueling standards. you have to run thousands of miles and stale scale walls and hold your buddy's head in your lap while you scream nooooo! so much goes into it. and men are stronger than women. it's just true.

if anyone is sexest, it's nature. they have is one who is handing stuff out. okay, men, you get the big muscles and you will orgasm every time you have sex. hell, sometimes you will orgasm just by accident. that's how easy it will be for you. for the ladies, you get to push an entire human being out of your vagina. have a good day. (laughter) even if women are generally stronger than women, plenty of women are up to the task of combat and no reason why they shouldn't fight. if you asked me to choose between ronda rousey and sheldon be big bang to fight for me, i choose -- oh, wait, she's already ripped him in half. he's already gone. the argument i don't get is women shouldn't be in combat because it is too hard on the men? >> bringing women into combat troops is going to change unit cohesiveness because sex is

inevitable. >> when you introduce women, you introduce sexual attraction -- >> all these 20-year-olds, they have wives at home and they're there and a beautiful soldier with them in the pup tent, what do they expect's going to happen? >> trevor: no, what do you think is going to happen? you think they will be flirting in the middle of a war? shooting -- they're everywhere! give me some fire! so... you come around here often? i haven't seen you -- give me some fire! here's the point. doesn't matter whether anyone thinks women should serve in combat. they serve in combat especially all over the world and american soldiers have been fighting and dying in unofficial combat roles in afghanistan and other places. if you want to get rid of i.s.i.s., women might be the best bet. >> i.s.i.s. would run away from women fighters because they

believe if they get killed by a woman, they won't go to heaven. >> trevor: i love that idea! i don't know if it's completely true but i love the idea of i.s.i.s. dudes in trucks being, today, we fight for jihad and the glory of -- oh, no! girls, girls, girls! run away! run away! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. and they built this country with their bare hands. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste. all there's dancing and music in the dark. people are younger and better looking in the dark. see?

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(cheers and applause) welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a former

director of production for presidential events at the white house and author of the new book "off script." please welcome josh king! (cheers and applause) >> trevor: how are you, mr. king? >> very well, trevor, how are you? >> trevor: i like how you have your presidential wave down. you have that really down. let's start with a mini introduction. a lot of people don't know people like you actually exist. that didn't sound right because you weren't waiting for the next part of the sentence. but you are basically the wizard of oz when it comes to when it comes to presidential campaigns. everything we see candidates do, men like you are making them do. yeah, trevor, except that

donald trump is trying to put us out of business. because he's so good at what he does in some ways. when i came out here, we used to have president clinton turn around to the media which would be on the balcony here and waving and getting a beautiful backdrop of the studio audience. that's how we set up the imagery. i would be up there with photographers and i would say, mr. president, turn around! and he'd wave and we'd get a wonderful backdrop of humanity. >> trevor: everything we see is designed to evoke an emotion, to showcase the candidates? >> we create a tablow, whether in indiana, some of the scenes you showed earlier of ted cruz. >> trevor: where he called it a basketball ring, that was not planned. >> not plafnltd you would brief the candidate before they went on stage, it is a rim. >> trevor: that is a hoop. it is a rim. it is not a ring. (laughter) >> trevor: in terms of the candidates looking at what they do, a lot of people don't know this, i was really intrigued by the fact there are small, spontaneous moments that are planned.

for instance, hillary riding the subway. you have to plan that. i'm assuming you don't plan the card not working. >> someone should have told her there is a certain jen ne sais quoi, as it goes, through the swiper, and what she was doing that day up in the bronx at 161st street was to take a subway ride up two stops for an interview with matt lauer. secret service has to bubble with her and go through the turn styles. in these days, everyone with a cell phone is a member of the press pool, so as she was swiping away, 20 cameras on her got out instantly and before she could get to matt lauer, there were 1,000 tweets about hillary at 161st street unable to get through the turnstile. >> trevor: you worked with the clintons before. if you were a part of this campaign, what would have you said to stem that tide? >> i can't remember exactly what

she did, but by noon or 2:00 p.m., she was already making jokes about it. as much as people had fun with it for that day, look, she had a great primary in new york, on her way to the nomination, i argue in some ways these photographs have less staying power now than they did back in my day and before that dukakis in the tank and clinton and bush and early obama years because before we know it, something else replaces it. basketball rings come in, we forget all about 161st street with hillary. >> trevor: we're working in the 24-7 news cycle. >> it really is. >> trevor: it looks like trump will be facing off against hillary. >> yeah. >> trevor: now, hillary has shown she plays by these rules. these are the rules that you helped -- >> she's a traditional candidate. >> trevor: yeah. you taught him to do a lot of these things. now hillary is realizing those things don't work anymore because she is up against the

sunset. (laughter) how does she pivot? is there something she can do or is it just a game of chance? >> well, she's in a tough spot because she can either be completely unrestrained on the stump, and then mr. trump will come after her for being -- for having an elevated tone in her voice, or she can play it the way senator and then president obama did for so many years, just the teleprompter, please, not going off script at all, then trump is after her for being too programmed. so it's a very asymmetrical opponent she'll face this summer and fall tits donald trump. >> trevor: parting words, donald trump, do you think he'll change campaigns forever? >> if per chance ewins, i'd say the last third of my book is the vanilla presidency, as it describes 2009 through 2017. >> trevor: which is obamas -- not vanilla, but -- >> well, you get it. but if by any chance donald j.

trump is on the west front of the u.s. capitol on january 2017 taking oath of office for the u.s. president, it will be anything but the vanilla presidency. >> trevor: i'm excited. i'm thinking about it now. the tan presidency. that's what we'll go with. >> thank you, trevor. >> trevor: "off script" available now, fascinating read. available now, fascinating read. josh t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music

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you brought 'em back, we made 'em a buck. you earned it. [sfx: bong] beer never looked so refreshing. 100% natural lime flavor in a twist bottle. ♪ bud light lime. >> trevor: (cheers and applause) that is our show for tonight. we found out donald trump crushed ted cruz. join us tomorrow night at 11:00 when we discuss it. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> in doob, once -- (horn blowing) in cuba, once --) hor>> that was well ti