sexy sex kitten, flirty sex kitten. flirty friend's mom-- (laughing) i'm sorry. (man) cut, cut! you know, like flirty victim, spunky-- wait, hold on. wounded skank. spunky kid sister. flirty mom-- i'm sorry. i'm sorry, i'm trying not to look at you. where are you from? australia. no. (crew laughing) man, this is incredible. thi-- hello. (woman) and then vernon, action. we could never do what you do. (woman) so easy. (man) mmm, magic. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome to "the

daily show"! i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody! thank you so much! thank you! tonight so excited, performing songs off their new album "hurt and the merciless," "the heavy" is here! (cheers and applause) first up, now that donald trump is the presumptive republican nominee -- and by the way, if you've just come out of a coma, go back to sleep. don't want to see this. a lot of people say he needs to appeal to latino voters. trump had a plan all along. >> mr. trump tweeted from his desk at trump tower, happy cinco de mayo, the best taco bowls are made in trump tower grill, i love hispanics, and there is a picture of him eating a taco bowl, looks like. >> trevor: well played, donald! well played! (applause) i just love the idea that in donald trump's mind, he's just

cleared up this entire mess. they bring in the drugs, they're rapists, the wall, taco bowl. huh? are we good now? (laughter) in all fairness, i can see why trump like taco bowls. a pile of cheesy slop stuffed inside a thin orange shell. i get it. and while we're talking about republicans and food, yesterday, we hardly, hardly got to mention this -- >> after only one primary victory, john kasich ended his long shot candidacy saying the politics of anger overcame his positive message. >> trevor: oh, yes... in the end, kasich had to swallow his pride, partly because he'd already swallowed everything else. and this was the most reasonable republican in the entire race, yet his enduring legacy will be his enduring appetite. he had more meals than delegates. but don't feel too bad for the governor, because even during

his final campaign spheech, kasich seemed to be taking it well. >> i have renewed faith, deeper faith that the lord will show me the way forward and fulfill the purpose of my life. thank you. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: i guess if the g.o.p. won't let you be theirs, you've got to make yourself your own hero. moving on from a man who dropped out to a man who's not going anywhere. bernie sanders, he had a super tuesday. >> bernie sanders bolstered overnight with a surprisingly big win over hillary clinton in indiana. >> i understand that secretary clinton thinks that this campaign is over. i've got some bad news for her. >> trevor: her husband's cheating on her... (laughter) oh, what? she knows? because i just got this fax a

few minutes ago! (laughter) of course, there also seems to be bad news bernie doesn't know about. >> it will still be impossible for sanders to win enough pledge delegates to clinch the nomination. >> this modest win doesn't even put a dent in secretary clinton's massive lead. >> hillary clinton's delegate lead appears all but insurmountable. >> the facts are pretty clear. i am 3 million votes ahead of him, 300 pledge delegates ahead of him. >> trevor: oh, look at hillary, so confident, you know. if she were an emoji, she would be like this one right now, like... (laughter) at this point, it looks like nothing could stop hillary, not another email server or benghazi. even if it came out she was becky with the good hair, she would still be fine. (laughter) now, some people would see that and say that's an insurmountable lead and say, bernie, you need to make like it's 6:45 p.m. and put this thing to bed. to by bernie would reply --

>> sanders says he's going all the way and there is no stopping him. >> it is virtually impossible for secretary clinton to reach the majority of convention delegates by june 14 with pledged delegates alone. the the convention will be a contested contest. >> trevor: are you (bleep) me? a contested democratic convention? are you (bleep) me? like, "the daily show" is going to be at the conventions, and we just avoided convention rights with the republicans in cleveland and now bernie is planning maihem in philadelphia? like, now, if i go to philly and get caught in one little fight, my mum will get scared and i will be forced to move in with my aunt and uncle in bellaire! (applause) next thing you know, me and my son are going to be homeless and then i've got to fight foreman and zaire! damn you, bernie!

(laughter) i'm going to say it. i really like bernie sanders. i love him. i'm glad he's staying in this race because he's giving a voice to something important. although the longer bernie stays in the race, the longer his policies are in play and the longer you look at some of his proposals the longer you see one or two little problems. >> a lot of economists are saying the numbers don't add up. >> the responsible committee says initiatives would cost up to $28 trillion and even after massive tax increases that would add as much as $15 trillion to the national debt. how is this fiscally responsible? >> first of all, i disagree without studying, there are many economist who is come up with very different numbers. >> trevor: bernie sanders is right. some economists agree with him. there is always somebody who will take any position. i know an economist in chinatown who can get you any numbers you want. also, a human baby hand. whatever you need.

the problem is, if bernie sanders raises taxes enough to pay for his plans, it wouldn't put enough of a dent in economic growth that he'd then either have to raise the taxes even more in order -- (crashing sounds) (laughter) desi, what are you doing? >> i'm helping you clarify what i think we alknow you meant, that there is nothing wrong with bernie sanders, we love him! (cheers and applause) yeah, we do. and all of the policies. >> trevor: we love him, but i'm just saying that the tax rates he's proposing -- >> no, no, no! (crash crash crash) >> no... trevor, have you ever pissed off bernie sanders supporters? it's like poking a hornet's nest with student debt. can't you just do something less controversial, like draw a picture of muhamad on a pig? >> trevor: what?!

desi, calm down. we're having a reasonable conversation about a few of bernie's policies. >> i'll get the pig. (laughter) >> trevor: i don't understand this. look, look... this isn't really such a big deal. when i heard about the budget deficit, i thought, people disagree on numbers a lot and i'm sure bernie sanders is right. the same when bernie sanders said his health plan would save america $324 billion a year on prescription drugs, and i thought that was cool, but then i found out america only spends $305 billion. so he said he would save america more than america spends on drugs. so if you're serious -- >> hey, everybody! ronny chieng here! (applause) don't know him, don't agree with him, send your threatening twitter rants to @trevornoah not me! >> trevor: we're not going

doing anything wrong. >> he's a pig! >> trevor: what's the point if we can't discuss policies? >> what's the point of eating ice cream if it's going to melt in your tummy? bernie 2016! bernie bernie bernie! >> trevor: bernie's a great politician but is still a politician and sometimes that means he has to compromise on his values. i mean, he sold himself hard as the anti-war candidate but is also the person who supports the f-35 fighter jet program, a $1.2 trillion program, a plane that the military itself doesn't even want. what are you doing? no! stop! it's an important point! is everyone afraid of bernie here? hold on! listen to me. now, he supports the f-35 because a bunch of him are made in his state, vermont. but it's hard to be pro trillion-dollar jet and

anti-military waste. come on, guys. go, i get it. i'm not against bernie sanders. in fact, maybe his big wild ideas are good news for america because we now know this is the year where voters want nothing more than someone who takes on the establishment and speaks his mind even if his promises are unrealistic and has an insane head of hair -- i just realized, bernie's campaign reminds me of donald's -- (noise) >> feel the burn, trevor... sarandon, out!

♪ whenever i'm around you ♪ i go home a little bit ♪ there's just something about you ♪ ♪ where the pieces all fit ♪ there's a lightness that surrounds you ♪ ♪ and it guides me like a star ♪ ♪ oh i am, who i am ♪ because you are, who you are ♪

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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! let's take a moment to talk about selfials. they're the top way to show people what parts of your body are on fleek. yeah, for me personally, it's my elbow. or as i like to call it, my

arm-knee. this can have consequences. we're joined by ro by rony b by, evened! everybody! >> looking at pictures of your own head can actually mess wit. >> in this age of the selfie, there's been a surge in lip augmentation procedures, the love affair with lips leading to a record number of lip jobs last year. doctors say because we see so many images of ourselves on social media we're much more aware of how our lips look. >> people having surgery to enhance lips, to have better selfies. what about duck face? works for me. (laughter) yo! no one's judging your lips. we're judging your double chin and your weird nose!

i guess what i'm trying to say is why are you stopping at your lips? just fix your whole face. and not only are selfies blowing up lips, they're also shrinking bank accounts. >> n.f.l. prospect laremy tunsil should have been celebrating being drafted into the n.f.l. last night -- >> tunsil was projected to go at 6 to the baltimore more ravens, fell to 13ic, that drop cost him $8 million in salary in the next four years. >> it's for the draft open, a two-year-old video posted to tunsil's twitter account shows him taking a massive bong hit out of a gas mask. >> how do we know that's larry wilmore? it could be anyone! it could be a time-traveling world war ii soldier. (laughter) took days of investigative journalism to figure out his identity. had to go through the video frame by frame and it also helped he took the mask off and showed his face. (laughter) if you're recording yourself doing something illegal and you're already wearing a mask,

just leave it on! that's what masks are for! (laughter) why does the n.f.l. even care if you smoke pot? i get it because marijuana could cause brain damage and brain damage is trademarked by the n.f.l. (applause) but, hey... at least tunsil was just doing something stupid and not dangerous like snapchating or driving. >> a new law sued build by snapchat and crystal mcgee. >> snapchat measurers how fast users are moving while taking the photo or video. >> a man is suing saying an 18-year-old drove more than 100 miles an hour and crashed into his car while she was using the app. >> snapchat used to be about dick pics. now you're encouraging people to take selfies and speeding? i liked it better when you were

send meg dicks. at least this woman learned her lesson, right? >> even the crash didn't stop mcgee from snapchating. she sent this selfie strapped to a gurney, she types, lucky to be alive. >> she sent a snapchat after sending a snapchat nearly killed her? that's like having an allergic reaction to shell fish and heading to red lobster singing the seafood trio. your car gets totaled and your phone survives! what phone are you using? mine shatters if i drop it on a pillow. (laughter) unfortunately, selfies aren't just addictive. according to some people, they are a god given right. >> a south carolina man learned the hard way trying to take a selfie with amy schumer is no laughing matter. the comedian says she was scared when this man ran up to her and started recording video. >> i told her this is america. i said in america when you see a

celebrity you go and take a selfie. >> this is america! he says it like it's in the constitution. listen, nowhere does it say we hold these truths to be selfie evident! (laughter) when we see famous people, we all want to take a selfie of them. i want to take a selfie with trevor now so i can get a ton of likes. not as many lives as if with amy schumer but still a lot, all right? (audience reacts) but, you know what? i resist the urge. that's what being human is about, resisting the base impulses. that's why i'm not humping this desk right now. so go ahead and keep taking selfies! just understand there's a time and a place, all right? and everyone else stop acting like narcissism is a millennial thing. old people you would have done the same exact (bleep) if you had access to the technology. what's weirder, two seconds snap ago selfie or spending six

months painting yourself? (applause) look how easy it is to do one of these? look. >> trevor: i thought you weren't going to take a selfie. you're taking a selfie. >> i also said i wasn't going to hump the desk, but you have to do what you've got to go. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: ronny chieng, everyone! we'll be right back! you don't need to do that. this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider our forefathers drank. and they built this country with their bare hands. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste.

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back! my guest tonight is a band whose new album is called "hurt and

the merciless." now to play the song "since you have been gone" from that album, please welcome "the heavy"! (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ hey ♪ i can see what it is ♪ i can see what's on my mind ♪ i can see what it is i can see what's on my mind ♪ 'cos my heart don't beat like it should ♪ and i can't stop crying memories that i own ♪ all this love in my soul all these things that you know my heart can't take it no more! ♪ since you been gone

since you been gone ♪ since you been gone since you been gone ♪ you been gone you been gone ♪ you been gone you been... ♪ so tell me what is love if i haven't got you? ♪ i'm looking for the pot at the end of the rainbow ♪ all these dreams in my head broken from the things that you said ♪ if i can't have you back in my bed ♪ i'm thinking i'm better off dead. ♪ since you been gone ♪ since you been gone since you been gone ♪ since you been gone since you been gone ♪ you been gone you been gone

♪ you been gone you been... ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ the raindrops won't stop falling ♪ from my eyes! ♪ since you been gone since you been gone ♪ since you been gone since you been gone ♪ you been gone you been gone ♪ you been gone

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(cheers and applause) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here with alvin from "the heavy." thank you to you and your band. i'm loving your style. you are like the united nations. you've got americans, brits, michael jackson, socks, and the microphone is like you stole it from a radio station. >> we didn't, you know. >> trevor: is that your mic of choice? >> this is my mic of choice. >> trevor: why? because it's so easy to cut the mic. >> trevor: have you never -- the mics have a handle. >> yeah, but you can use that like a handle and cup it like that. a person's doing that want and in feedback. how many rappers have you seen

where you cut the mic and it's woo, woo, woo? >> trevor: i don't watch rap. i listen to classical music only. (laughter) >> i just died. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. thank you so much. give it up for the heavy one more time. "hurt and the merciless" is available now. "turn up," please welcome once again, "the heavy"! (cheers and applause) >> daily show's in here, right? you gonna help us turn up tonight? (cheers and applause) ♪ all right, all right, all right, turn up ♪ make it something to believe in ♪ you know you got to turn up ♪ and make the heart go ♪ woh, woh, woh, woh, woh ♪ turn up! ♪ put your hands where i can see them ♪ you got to turn up.

♪ and keep them begin' for more more more more more ♪ i got my soul on fire all for you my love ♪ and i built a house of dirt and bones from the ground ♪ you talk it like you needed it all ♪ all your life, you want it. ♪ baby, you can have it all! ♪ but then you better turn up! ♪ make it something to believe in ♪ you know you got to turn up! and make the heart go woh, woh, woh, woh, woh ! ♪ turn up! captioning sponsored by comedy central