actually, i came up with it at the water cooler. but i thought you'd like this cowboy story better. the portobello mushroom buttery jack is back. part of the buttery jack family. taste it before it's gone. thanks for watching tonight. i want to thank my friends nicole byer and david spade. david's show, "fameless," returns for a second season on trutv on august 1st. oh, that sounds fun. and nicole's new show, "loosely exactly nicole," premieres next month on mtv. >> yes! >> all right. >> you can follow me on twitter @nikkiglaser. next week, we've got eric andré and moshe kasher and another round of "comedians do porn," so be sure to tune in. here's your happy ending, guys. good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] >> was it tent-pitcher thundernuts? thick and hard on blue? big and hard? big and tall? big and little? rich and big? big jim and the twins? b-b-b-b-bad to the boner?

ow, my balls, my balls, my balls 3000 xl? king schlong? was it ooh-aah-aah down with the thickness? looky here, mama made a meatloaf? wang finangler supreme? wiener wiener bo-biener? could it have been people magazine's boner of the year 2007? reese's penis? was it jack! jack, i'm flying? mad max fury...boner? was it splat splat splat splat? jacktacular shaft reactor? was it master disaster-bater? you know what it could've been? big man penis-haver. >> yes! yes. >> yeah? >> incredible. >> it probably was that. [ cheers and applause ] >> from cleveland, the top city in ohio geographically, the 2016 republican national convention. so mission accomplished. night one, an unbelievably classy, tremendous and good and huge convention. ♪ (cheers and applause)

>> trevor: thank you so much, cleveland! thank you so much, cleveland folks. folks, we're gonna win. (applause) we're gonna do so much winning, folks. i mean, wow, folks, we're gonna win. so much show tonight, folks -- bigley. i know some of you are saying i plagiarized that entrance, but i want you to know that entrance represented my personal feelings and experiences of being in cleveland. welcome to night one of "the daily show"'s republican national convention, people! i'm trevor noah, your host! we made it in cleveland and hopefully we'll make it out alive. we thought this convention would be chaos and haven't been

disappointed. where do we start? in the first few hours, hundreds of convention delegates tried to boycott. wrong try better. the police came out and said they don't feel safe. maybe because this is going on. i never understand the camouflage. if you're trying to blend, in maybe start by losing the enormous assault rifles, people! (applause) last night the republicans put on a three-hour prime time show called "foreigners are coming to kill you." other than that, everything is great in cleveland and i'm not the only one who feels this way because i'm joined by the best (bleep) news team in town covering the convention. first up, jordan klepper, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> yes, thank you! >> thanks, trevor.

things are going great over here. loving cleveland, go cavs! as far as the republicans fear mongering, i'm not buying it. >> trevor: what's in your hand? >> oh, my blankie? just drafty out here. don't worry we're ant to hand this over to a narcissist who will bankrupt us. i definitely don't want my mommy now. be a big boy, jordan! >> trevor: stay strong, jordan. let's go to desi lydic, everybody, on the street! (cheers and applause) desi, do you share jordan's concern over trump? >> trevor, why would i worry donald trump is going to kill us in the future when i'm gonna die today? >> trevor: what are you talking about? >> i'm in the middle of an angry political protest in an open carry state. you don't know, trevor, i just saw grandma open a cap of great lakes with an ar-15.

you're not in this! >> trevor: i feel for you, desi. minhaj is joining us on the convention floor! how's it going? >> i'm sorry, trevor, my name is chad smith. i don't know who this hasan is, but he sounds a little too muslim to be safe at a trump convention. ha ha! you know what i mean, trevor? i love nascar. >> trevor: hasan, seriously? you put on white face? >> you mean my naturally fair and lovely complex that i got from my real-life parents bryce -- and i wanna say -- leslie? >> trevor: get the (bleep) out of here, chad! >> all lives matter! >> trevor: let's go to ronny chieng at the quicken. ronny, what's going on? >> hey, you can't be too safe, okay, trevor? you heard them last night, an

immigrant is going to kill me and then kill my family. >> trevor: ronny, you're an immigrant. >> yeah, well, so are you! wait... you're gonna kill my family? >> trevor: well, maybe you're gonna kill my family! >> why are you going to kill my family, trevor? >> trevor: you're the one who's trying to kill my family. let's go to roy wood, jr. inside the convention now. >> that's right, reporting to you live from inside the quicken loans arena. it's so white looks like i'm inside a tub of cream cheese. >> trevor: there is also a lot of tension. you can't be with feeling safe. >> they love me! republicans never do good with black people. in ohio trump was 0% with white people. >> trevor: in ohio h, trump was 0% with blacks.

or could be up there -- but you're in the r.n.c., what are you about to do? >> i'm having the time of my life. everybody wants me to be their black friend. i have been to five bar mitzvahs, two weddings and a yacht race. how much does trump love black beampeople? >> he loves them. >> how good is donald trump for black people? (laughter) you've seen some black people here at the convention, right? >> i don't pay attention. >> we're at the republican national convention, i need you to work the west side of the arena and i'll work the east side and people won't confuse us. >> they won't confuse us because you see how i'm dressed. >> black guy at r.n.c., i'll be your black friend.

as you can see, i'm having a blast in cleveland. i'm making tons of friends. >> trevor: they just think you're steve harvey, right? >> let's play "the feud." >> trevor: thanks, roy! thanks, everybody! (cheers and applause) let's move on to the big story. yesterday was the headline speech by melania trump, an accomplished woman who might be the only good thing donald trump ever attached his name to. melania gave a good speech that highlighted her family and how she became a american citizen. unfortunately, the citizen she came was somehow michelle obama. >> my parents impressed on me the values that you work hard for what you want in life. >> barack and i were raised with so many of the same values, like you work hard for what you want in life. >> that your word is your bond and you do what you say. >> that your word is your bond, that you do what you say. >> the only limit to your

achievements is the strength of your dreams and your willingness to work for them. >> the only limit to the height of your achievement is the reach of your dreams and your willingness to work hard for them. >> trevor: goddam, melania trump just took something for her own or as iggy azalea says, a new hit. (applause) the problem is not melania trump or the plagiarism, it's how the campaign chose to respond. >> it's not plagiarism. there were on a few words common to both. >> these were common words and values. >> 93% of the speech is completely different than michelle obama's speech. >> melania trump said the strength of your dreams and willingness to work for them. twilight sparkle from my little pony said this is your dream, anything you can do in your dreams, you can do now. >> what we should be celebrating is the fact that a democrat and

republican have similar values. >> trevor: yes, they are similar values -- like nyquil and my voice. (laughter) the trump campaign is not even admitting there was plagiarism. it would have been so easy for them to own up and say this happened, it may have been a writer especially when this is a lie that not a single person in america believes. guys, this is not even a policy thing. it's not even politics. it's a speech. what it is, though, is a preview, because this group of people, given actual power, will put us in some deep (bleep). (applause) and there is some good news, though. all day there's been back and forth about what really went down. did melania trump know, and the question remains did she do it on purpose? how will we ever know? turns out the only way we know anything these days from kim kardashian's snapchats. (laughter) you see, melania did know her

speech was plagiarized and kim got the whole thing on tape. >> i think this is a really cool thing to have. >> i know, i can't believe i'm speaking at the convention. i wrote the whole speech myself, except the part that i intentionally plagiarized from michelle obama. >> yes, i feel i have a responsibility to you as a friend, you know and -- >> i appreciate your warnings, but no one will ever know. if they catch me, i will say, it is remix. >> trevor: i knew we could count on you, kim. back with more "the daily show" from the r.n.c. in cleveland! here in cleveland! (cheers and applause) step up to our great, (cbig networke) and see what we've got. bust a move to cricket wireless and get the lg spree for free after $20 mail-in rebate

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♪don't wake me i'm not dreaming♪ "the daily show." from cleveland, ohio, we're covering the republican national convention. last night i got to experience my first real american republican convention. i'm still wrapping my head around the skeptical. they had all the biggest stars you could think of who would agree to come to this event. i mean, there were actors you forgot about, marvels you sort of remember, people who call ducks for a living. i'm still confused by that, by the way. i don't understand what that is. congressmen you never heard of. reality stars you don't remember married to congressmen you've never heard of. i loved it. this is trump style. he makes sure he gives us so much fun, crazy to talk about that we miss the dangerous crazy. for instance, last night's official theme was "make america

safe again." but to us, the theme really felt like "make america fear again." because that's what all the speeches were about. >> all the things that we hold dear are being attacked every single day. >> our enemies are plotting against us. >> enemies who are hell bent on destroying us. >> your war is here. >> this is an economic disaster. >> terrorists who are going to come to western europe and come here and kill us! >> this is the last stand on earth. >> killing us and our allies! >> there is no place to escape to. >> trevor: why are you talking like that?! what's this?! what's happening?! (cheers and applause) no place on earth! really, there is no place on earth? really? no place to hide? because i'm pretty certain everybody's going to canada.

you guys are acting like winter is coming. have you heard, john snow, the non-white-walkers are coming! (applause) i'm serious. that was the night. terror. speech after speech of screaming about everything that will kill us forget "make america safe again." after that, i just wanted to "make underpants dry again." (laughter) i don't understand this fear. this country is much safe than 20 years ago. crime is declining. i was watching being, like, why are republicans so terrified? then rudy giuliani said something and i finally understood. wasn't so much what he said, it was how he said it. >> this is a man with a big heart who loves people, all people, from the top to the bottom, from the middle to the side! >> trevor: wow. wow. you got all those directions

wrong. you would be the worst air hostess ever, light attendant -- the exit is in the back! the middle was your left, your back was your front. but maybe that explains why republicans are so scared. they're living in a world where up is actually down. and i guess that's why to them safer is actually scarier. oh, and speaking of up is down and black is white, yesterday the republicans actually featured a few black speakers, although if your eyes were closed while listening to the speeches, you wouldn't have known. >> if you really want to heal our communities, more men need to start stepping up and taking care of their children. safe neighborhoods happen when fathers and mothers aren't home. somebody with a nice tan need to say this -- all lives matter! >> trevor: my friend, if that's a tan you're rocking -- (laughter) -- you need to see a dermatologist, because you are three hours away from skin

cancer, my friend! but nicely played, dude. i totally hear what you're saying. black kids grow up to be criminals, yeah, because their moms are never home, probably down at the club, yeah, oh, because they have to work two jobs and public transportation doesn't go to their neighborhood and the the legacy of red lining has kept them from living in better areas, but also at the club! yeah! and where are the black fathers? too busy getting arrested, am i right? i mean some for a broken taillight, trumped up charges and driving while black, but also still at the club, am i right? yeah! (applause) that's the thing about these speakers -- at first, you're thinking, wow, republicans invited people who don't fit the normal mold to come in and speak, that's amazing! then you think, wait... why would republicans do that? because they know they're going to get this. >> ladies and gentlemen, i would like to make something very

clear -- blue lives matter in america! there is some good news out of baltimore, maryland, as lt. brian rice was acquitted on all charges. (cheers and applause) >> trevor: i'm sorry -- good news? wait, let me get this straight, we're talking about freddie gray, the man who had his spine severed while handcuffed in the back of a baltimore police van, and that's good news? what a relief, yeah, to find out no one killed him. ha -- i mean, he was killed but no one killed him. half of getting killed is someone killed you, you understand that? so this is progress, now we all have to figure out why all these black folks are so susceptible to dying! get the (bleep) out of here, man. (cheers and applause) don't get me wrong, i'm not saying no one has the right to be afraid. i'm not even saying feelings are inconsequential. you cannot complain about

america being afraid, though, when you are the same people frightening it, which gets me back to melania trump. that was the one speech that was kind, hopeful, unifying and optimistic. it's almost audacious how hopeful it was. and so what if it was taken from michelle obama. if that's what it takes to bring america and have a positive message, go ahead, do jumping jacks and eat your kale while giving a speech! i don't know why melania trump is in trouble for plagiarizing. maybe if she feels comfortable stealing michelle obama's speech, mabel trump will steal obama's policies and the world you say we can't plagiarize obama, yes we can. we

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actually, i came up with it at the water cooler. but i thought you'd like this cowboy story better. the portobello mushroom buttery jack is back. part of the buttery jack family. taste it before it's gone. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! coming to you from cleveland, ohio, my guest tonight is the former chairman of the republican national committee. please welcome michael steele, everybody! (cheers and applause)

>> good to see you. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> it's great. cool to be here. >> trevor: what a time to be alive. >> oh, yeah. >> trevor: for those who don't know, real quickly, you had the job reince priebus now has. >> yes. >> trevor: you were in charge of the convention, basically. if you were running this convention, how would you grade it? on day two, what are you looking at? are you saying this is good for you? is this good, yeah? >> um, it started out pretty good. >> trevor: is that with the revolt? >> no. it started out while they put the gavel in the right place, which is good. >> trevor: okay. >> and then there was voting, took place after that and that's when all hell happened. >> trevor: mm-hmm. >> look, the fact of the matter is this tension has been growing for a while. we knew coming into this convention there were a significant number of delegates who would be exercised about the

prospects of donald trump getting the nomination. >> trevor: let's get a discussion going. you are a republican. >> i am. >> trevor: are you a black republican? >> i am. >> trevor: just checking. you may be very tanned. never know. >> yeah, never know. but i'm black first. >> trevor: how do you justify voting for donald trump? >> i said from the very beginning going back to the primary that, when asked about who i supported in the primary, and i didn't support anyone in the primary, my view was i was waiting for someone to run for president because i was inspecting and hoping the party would have a different conversation than the co the one currently having with the country. number two, the first part of this ends tonight. he has secured the nomination. his speech on thursday will tell the tale on whether or not donald trump is ready to be president of the united states, and everything he does between now and november will be dictated by how he begins this

moment, so that's when the clock starts running for knee before i let you go, and i'm not trying to trap you or trick you, i'm just trying to get a conversation started here. >> all right. >> trevor: let's see i give you a concession. let's say there is a donald trump people don't know, there is a donald trump who is good, who has helped minorities whether in new york or wherever it is. >> right. >> trevor: let's say there is good in donald trump that is hard to see when you look at him. but let's say there is good. i ask you this -- >> all right. >> trevor: on the flip side with hillary, republicans come out and say the devil, the liar, the worst, the murderer, lock her up, no right to be president, and everyone discounts every single year and every single achievement and everything she has worked towards, apart from whether or not you believe she should have the presidency, do you believe she's qualified? >> it's newt trick question. absolutely, she is. absolutely, she's qualified.

(applause) and i'll take it one step further, the fact of the matter, she has grown beyond first lady. she's secretary of state, regardless of what you think about her service, it's an accomplishment, she's flernd that capacity and done a nice job. she's been a united states senator and worked across the aisle with republicans. so you need to be aware of the opponent standing in front of you, and that's the mistake i hope we don't make from the end of the democratic convention next week to november. >> trevor: thank you, my friend. i appreciate it. michael steele, my friend. we'll be rig inspired by a true stella artois story brewery closed, auction sale.

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♪all i need is five minutes ♪ ♪all i need is five minutes ♪ >> trevor: that is our show for tonight! thanks for tuning in! catch the full interview with michael steele online, you don't want to miss that and, of course, "the daily show" will be coming to you live from cleveland thursday night. now here it is... your moment of zen. ♪ we are the champions ♪ we are the champions ♪ no time for losers because we are the champions ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central