thank you for watching tonight. i want to thank my friends margaret cho and kurt braunohler. margaret's new album of music, "american myth," is now available. and kurt is taping his comedy central special at revolution hall in portland on september 24th. and i do a podcast! go to itunes or wherever you go for your podcasts and check out the not safe show podcast now. and next week, we've got jim norton and who knows. here's your happy ending, guys. good night, pervs. [ cheers and applause ] when i -- when my boyfriend and i broke up, i would, like, look at my vagina, and it would remind me of him, because that's the only time that i would look down at it was when he was down there. so then i would, like, look down at it and be like [crying] "oh, my god. that was his favorite place to eat." like, i was so sad. [ both laugh ] >> live from cleveland.

home of a unspeakable sexual act. it's the 2016 republican national convention. day three, holy balls it's really happening. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> trevor: welcome, everybody. thank you so much cleveland. we're here in cleveland, ohio. people. coming to you live. anything i say can and will be used against me in the course of twitter. with us tonight alex wagner will be joining us, everybody. it's officially official, people. donald trump accepted the presidential nomination for presidency. i urge you to live every day like it's your last.

he finished a speak doing what he called writing law and order to a country in crisis and -- there was another half too. i learned in american politics you go say anything you want. you can mislead about crime, you can say anything but some lies are bigger than others. >> i humbly and grea gratefully accept your nomination for the presidency of the united states. >> trevor: yes. nothing so humble like turning the stage gold and having your name in a nine thousand point sun. even the good year blimp is like, jesus, we get it trump. we get it trump's speech tonight was a thin shell of candy covering a chocolate center of hate it in the middle just a mount of fear. it's not bad once you have a few

of them. >> we will also be a country of law and order. the most basic duty of government is to defend the lives of it's own citizens. any government that fails to do so is a government unworthy to lead. >> i'm sorry so much of what trump said tonight was misleading. to make you feel better, yes there was a recent spike in homicide of major cities. over all america is in the middle of a historic crime drop. nowhere near the highest taxed nation and illegal immigration is the lowest since 2003. come up, come up, well unless you're hillary clinton. >> this is the legacy of hillary clinton. death destruction, terrorism and

weakness. and weakness. >> trevor: only donald trump would think that weakness is worst that death and destruction. you end on the worst thing. yes destruction and weakness. you have cancer and a little spinach in your teeth. ya, right there. watch. that that's what he said. to be fare to donald he reached out to groups aligned with republicans. >> i will do everything in my power to protect our lbgtq citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful fallen ideology. believe me. [cheers and applause] >> i have to say as a republican it's so nice to hear you cheering for what i said. thank you.

>> trevor: because to be honest folks i thought you were going to boo the gays. i'm not going to lie. from what i have heard i thought you would boo the gays. and then after a little more fear and a little more hate it was finally time to close. >> my opponent asks her supporters to resite a three word loyalty pledge. it reads, i am with her. i choose to resite a different pledge. my pledge reads i'm with you, the american people. [cheers and applause] we will make america great again. god bless you and good night. i love you. [cheers and applause] >> trevor: i love you too

donald. i have to admit the speech was okay. i mean it was -- very undisplane like a catholic nun. like a nun if you go deeper you will find a wild side. i thought we would have a wild trump off the campaign. he didn't call for anyone to be beaten or killed. this is what you gets from sticking to the teleprompter. i learned this last august. >> i said if you're running for president you shouldn't be allowed to use a teleprompter. it's true. it's so easy. >> ladies and gentlemen, hello. [laughing] >> trevor: so sad, people. donald trump has become

everything he hates. not everything he is still white. i will be honest with you. this is a phrase i don't think anyone has said. my favorite part of the week was seeing ted cruz. last night the man with no reflection did the most amazing thing i have ever seen. he came to the convention and took a giant principle conservative dump on donald trump's stage refusing to endorse him. i had feelings i didn't know i could feel. my emotions were like people with the hot dog for a crust. i couldn't tell what it was. i couldn't quite understand. i numeric was the reason behind it. and yes, this is what made the spectacle more exciting. until ted cruz speech last night it seemed the convention was back on track. formal rifles back to give their love. meeting trump's running mate, a straight anderson cooper.

and then he endorsed everyone but donald trump. >> for those listening, please don't stay home in november. stand, speak, vote your conscience. vote for candidates up and down the ticket who you trust to defend our freedoms and to be faithful to the constitution. >> audience: usa! trevor: boo, we don't want to vote our conscience. we want to vote for donald trump. by the way poor chris christie. he had that look on his face the entire campaign. he looks like the before in a tupls commercial. that's what he looks like. this fiasco ruined trumps convention.

an entire week and millions of dollars. and ted cruz destroyed the entire thing. you could feel the room knew it. >> we must make the most of our moment. to fight for freedom. to protect our god given rights. even with those whom we don't agree. >> trevor: oh, you simple people. you think boos hurt ted cruz. the man has been booed his whole life. when he was born the doctor booed him. you know with this being my first american convention i honestly couldn't believe what was happening. it understander out i wasn't alone. >> i haven't seen anything like this. this was stunning. >> unprecedented. >> add this to the list of things i thought i would never see. >> shocking. >> remarkable moments. >> extraordinary snub. >> whoa.

>> wow,. >> wow. >> wow. >> wow. >> wow. [laughing] >> trevor: i'm over it. not really, not really. no one saw this coming. we should have seen this coming though. the moment ted cruz entered the room you could tell something changed on a elemental level, people. the air got cold. and this is real though, this is real. just before he was about to strike the screens behind him were flickering. that happened in the speech. i have seen that in horror movies. when you see screens flickering you get your ass out of the house. you get out of there. you go. [ applause ] >> trevor: but the white people there was a stutter. that's the problem with no black delegates. if there were black people they

were like, hell no. we have to go, hell to the no. we should of seen this coming, people. the screens were flickering. there was another small hint that ted cruz may want revenge. >> i have never seen anybody who lied as much as ted cruz. >> never knew he was a canadian. >> not a lot of evangelicals come oust cuba. >> what was he doing with lee harvey oswald before the shooting. >> trump retweeted an unflattering photo of heidi cruz. >> be careful lying ted. >> nobody likes him. >> he's a pussy. trevor: whoa. you know what i take away from this. donald trump is dumb. yes. he's dumb.

[cheers and applause] donald trump brags about going out and outsmarting china. out smart iran. out smart mexico. guy, you got played by a guy whose name is lying ted. donald trump is like how was i suppose to know. you gave him the name, dumb ass. you are dumb. dumb donald. i will say this though. i will say this. this is something you don't consider. he dodged the bullet with ted cruz. he made cruz crazy. but cruz is psycho for real. he will look his own party in the eye and then pursue to burn it down. last night it remained me of the scene from game of thrones.

>> trevor: yes, the a-holes and the last man. i will tell you this, ted cruz flew out naked and triumphant. we will be right i am rich. in my gentleman's quarters, we sip champagne and peruse my art collection, which consists of renaissance classics and more avant-garde pieces. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. (alien humming) fruit by the foot fun what's on the end of yours? first you start with this.

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>> welcome back to th, we are ln cleveland with the national republican convention. earlier tonight we viewed a

short film about trump's life and work. reelizing you play of missed the important information we bring it to you now. slightly edited for clarity. >> america, are these things happening to you? >> yet another shooting. >> the taliban. >> isis on the rise. >> >> our country is a mess. >> but americans have always known how to clean up a mess. there was the -- and now it's time for something much better. i will give you everything. i will give you what you have been looking for 30, 40, 50 years. >> this is the story of our next president. >> i know, that's what i do. >> the deal he can get for america. >> donald trump and the very, very incredible deal.

>> donald trump was born on flag day, nine days after the nuking of the japanese asian. some say the radiation gave fetal trump his godzilla size abdomen and head to hand ratio. young donald showed great promise as a negotiator setting a dispute with his music teacher by punching him in the face. high school was at new york military academy. trump naturally stood out and tkwaeupbd the training he would need in vietnam. if he had ever gone to vietnam, which he didn't. due to a sudden tragic diagnosis of heel spurs. a condition so did i bil debilit spread to his brain. >> the bone spurs. >> it's in the record. >> sad. no donald would wage his war on

a different level. >> you say it's like vietnam. >> a brave soldier. >> someone should pin a purple heart on that orange dick. with business school and starting with almost nothing. >> my father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. >> he launched a career in real estate. becoming the first trump to do so in almost one generation. he saw value in manhattan. at the time it was less a city. something about this morally bankrupt smut state called to trump. so, he started making deals. turning this town into the classy eye source. after defeating new york it was onto new york city.

donald mastered the local game. building hotels. sneaking cash to himself. all while maintaining a golden reputation. >> sure he a small financial rough spot. using only gumption and lawyers he rose from bankruptcy to another bankruptcy to two more bankruptcies. amazing. along the way he discovered the business he was truly meant for. >> brandie you're fired. >> fake business. >> he seemed to have it all. money, fame and no belief to slow him down. trump wouldn't be satisfied until he could close one final very incredible deal. >> is in washington deal he was driven into the ground by foreign management. everyone thought so.

trumps next move was ines inevi. >> i ammo officially running for president of the united states. we are going to make our country great again. >> he would find out that those along the way smaller penis rival, former wedding guests, and dishonest media bent on destroying him by actually reporting things. >> you call women you don't like fast pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals. >> only rosie o'donnell. >> you piece of [beep]. i will take your insides and rip them out of your [beep] body. you human slug. i swear to christ i will step on you. okay. >> but he would overcome with a kind real estate strategy.

rebranding his flaws and selling points. donald trump. >> just jealous as hell. >> he didn't go bankrupt. >> i love debt. >> he didn't corrupt america and aspire to basic human decency. >> i tell it like it is. i tell the truth. our country needs that. >> our country does need that. and now for a limited time it can get it from the best selling author. >> i wrote the "art of the deal." >> and the visionary behind trump estate. >> i understand steak it's my favorite food. >> it's america's chance to get in on a radical one time opportunity. the trump presidency. he will make america great as only he can. from construction projects. >> i will build a great, great wall. >> to personnel management. >> total and complete shut down of muslims entering the united states. >> to the clear specific policy

thatz donald trump deal is all about. >> i will do lots of good things with education. replace obamacare with something better. >> the greatest trade deal anyone has ever made. >> so walk, run, weirdly descend an escalator, because of the very incredible deal is a limited time offer. >> later is too late. going to be too late for our country. >> the very, very incredible deal. >> don't worry about it. you will be very happy. [ applause ] >> trevor: we will be i am rich. with fans clamoring for our next hit album, we return to our extravagant private studio, where we turn gold into platinum. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. hey there. hi, i'm looking for a deal on an iphone... ...i was thinking, something along these lines. oh, okay. well, how about this?

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live out of cleveland ohio. my guest tonight a senior writer, alex wagner. [cheers and applause] >> live. trevor: welcome to the show. >> good to be here. trevor: you were watching from back stage. >> ya going hard on the heel spur thing. >> trevor: what did you think about the speech? let's get straight into it. you have covered the trump campaign. was this presidential? >> it was like the end of days with balloons. so -- >> trevor: how the end of days should be, right. >> yes a little silver lining. i was struck by the contrast of ivanka trump. apparently a democrat and her father. even asking is donald trump presidential. can he execute.

etcetera, as if being presidential is reading a teleprompter is presidential. if it's to unite and lead the country the jury is still out. >> trevor: it's interesting you said that about ivansk-rbgs a. we watched and i thought wait is. this donald trump. she was going hard on womens rights. working and provisions. things that the republican party have voted against or not chosen to vote on i should say. then college tuition. searching for bernie sanders. was that a democrat speech. is she turning trump into a democrat. >> can she flip her dad. trevor: that didn't sound right. >> no. trevor: very odd. >> it was awkward tonight. she talked about maternity leave and affordable child care. she kpwapb her remarks saying, i'm not a democrat or a republican. lady, you're at the rnc.

your father is the pick to head the republican party. that was weird. i think she took it upon herself to soften his image. i feel that's not there when he comes out and it's literally 77 minutes of this apocalyptic demo graphy about division. >> trevor: i think you miss heard him. he said on january toe, 2017 will he get law and order going so fast. >> yes. trevor: like the first day. everyone is like -- gone. >> there won't be anyone left in the united states of america. that's the fear. that's the law and order. there are no crimes if there are no people. a smart move. >> yes. their names all end in trump. >> trevor: do you think the republicans are thinking yes that's our guy. can he read or is this one of

those where they go in. >> he did the prompter. he is ours. >> trevor: yes. >> i looked at mike pence's face every time they went to him. i thought this guy has a case of buyer's remorse. he brought his family on stage. they had half smiles. i was like that is the sort of, he is the it of the establishment of the republican party. i guess we're here now. i guess we're doing this. >> trevor: one thing i will say, do you think mike pence will be the secret president though. >> tkuptz seem donald trump will be the president. he has no intention to governor. >> trevor: no it's a family store, a family business. >> ivanka and donald and eric trump may run it. they maybe the presidency. mike pence i think will be a figure head to calm. to lull the country into a state of perhaps -- >> facing lgbtq community.

>> yes. trevor, there is so much blood loss in the convention hall. you expect lions to run out in the end. >> trevor: yet the lions are saying we don't engage in these activities. we will go out and have fun with introducing dunkin's new cold brew coffee, steeped slowly in cold water for small batches with an ultra-smooth, full-bodied flavor. discover the craft of cold brew today and keep on. america runs on dunkin'.

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