- no, japan! will you listen to me for five seconds? if you keep building giant robots, the cops are gonna ask questions! - well, then why can engrand build nucrear power prant? - nobody can build anything! - yeah, well, it's not even gonna matter, because finland is thinking about telling the space cops the truth! - wha-- finland! - we believe the aliens are going to find out sooner or later what we did. it's best we come clean now. - will you just relax, finland? nobody's gonna find out anything. - i'm sorry, but our nation is resolved. we cannot live with the guilt anymore. - okay, okay, you're right. you're right, finland, okay. you're right. can you just let us other countries talk for private for a moment? - very well. - all right, you guys, we got to get rid of finland. - yup, we got to take out finrand. they gonna squeal. - yeah, i think we all agree, guys. - uh-huh. - yup. - yeah, yeah, yeah.

[sirens wailing] - oh, damn it. oh, hey, space officers. how can we help you? - well, we're a little puzzled over one of your countries... uh, finland? - what--what about it? - it appears to have been destroyed. - what? oh, my god! not finland! - oh, no! - no! not finland - hey, guys, finland's dead. - oh, no! - no! no! - no, not-a finrand! - all of finland gone! - yeah, somebody better break the news to norway. they were really close. - [sighs] none of you knew anything about finland's destruction? - no. i mean, odds are, they nuked themselves. you know, suicide. - we didn't say anything about nukes. - or whatever they did, i'm sayin'. - excuse me! excuse me! everyone, i have an announcement to make. i am giving back my pinewood derby trophy.

- what? - stan! - the truth is, i don't deserve this trophy, because i cheated on my pinewood derby car. i used something not in the approved kit. - what? oh, my god! - he used something outside the kit? - not in the approved kit? - he cheated on the pinewood derby? - this trophy isn't mine. and so i have to give it back. because if i'm not honest now, then i'll have to keep this lie going forever, and it will just grow and grow. - well, stan, we're proud of you for coming clean. but it doesn't change the fact that you cheated. go to your room, son. - your son seems to have some pretty inspirational words. you sure you earthlings have nothing else to tell us? - hey, uh, do we have anything else to tell the space cops? - nope! - no! - no changes! no, no changes! - no, tell 'em no. - no changes. - yeah, no, we've told you everything, space officers. - all right, that's it, then.

come on out, sir. it appears to be over! - oh, [bleep], it's baby fark mcgee-zax! - my real name is kevirn xaxor. i am the ambassador to new planet testing. - what the hell are they talking about? - these are not space cops. there is no space jail. and space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth. i mean, how stupid is your species? space jail? baby fark mcgee-zax? - it was a trick? - whenever a civilization discovers warp speed, we want to bring them into the federation of planets. but first we do the space cash test to see if that species is worthy of joining. - needless to say, you all failed. [clears throat] people of earth, since you did not return the space cash, your species and your planet is hereby forever blocked off and barred from the rest of the universe.

good-bye. - no, hey, wait! wait! no! well, that sucks! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com [cheers and applause] >> tevor: welcome to the daily show. we're live, i'm trevor noah.

hillary clinton and donald trump left what was the monday night roll. in a dramatic flare, we have asked the audience to remain silent the entire evening and not to laugh or applaud unless they hear like a super funny joke. but people, this is it, we made it. it's finally over. this is after a year of tweeting each other on the campaign trail. finally hillary clinton and donald trump went head to head. and we did not have to wait long for the first lie. >> donald, it's good to be with you. >> tevor: she's crooked. the lies, hillary. enema alan yeah was in the odd -- even melania was in the audience saying don't lie. small hands, small hands. you can tell both candidates pressed so much for this debate. even before the debate, hillaryy

and donald trump tried, trump might get thrown off by being a real billionaire. trump is like okay maybe i'll invite one of your husband's mistresses. some serious mind games people. i was for sure hillary would be like let's do this then. i'll invite the mariachi band to ask it in the front row. and trump was like i will invite cough drops. and he was realizing bill clinton is sitting between ivanka and melania. that's too far. sitting between the two women i love. wait, i thought that was your idea and bill would be like snow, that was my idea. after the last incident the last thing they want was to be by elsed to either side so she caved to the demands. she gave hillary and shorter podium and let donald trump stop and for example lester holtz.

this was full of fire. in fact most of the night looked like this. >> you haven't done it in 30 years over 26 years. >> i've been a senator. >> you have not done it. >> i have been a secretary of stated. >> excuse me, those are president obama's fault. >> before you even announced. >> but you have no plan. >> oh, i do. >> secretary, you have no plans. >> a book about it. >> it's the finest deal you've ever seen. >> no. >> then you heard what i said bit and all of a sudden you were against it. >> donald, i know you live in your own reality. >> tevor: oh, welcome to the real live version of twitter people. you don't get at that point and lester wasn't even moderating anymore. he was just eating popcorn like everyone else. [laughter] now before the debate started. everyone had their own thoughts how this might go, right. was trump going to be presidential, would hillary cough and destroy the world. would matt lahr show up and have

a second chance. i could be not be more impressed with lester tonight because he asked all the right questions. including how to keep america safe. >> just go to a website. she tells you how to fight isis on her website. i don't think general douglas macarthur would like that too much. >> the next seg. -- >> at least i have a plan to fight isis. >> you're telling the enemy everything you're going to do. no wonder you've been fighting, no wonder you've been fighting isis your entire adult life. >> tevor: her entire adult life. isis has been around since 2004. so that would make hillary 26 years old. she can't be 26 because donald trump wasn't hitting on her. i don't understand. seriously at some point donald trump was out of control. he was hitting hillary for the economy, isis, her e males, taxes and he want to hit her for even more. >> i have a feeling at the end

of this evening i'm going to be blamed for everything that's ever happened. >> why not. >> tevor: oh, why not. hillary even impregnates trump's mother so trump is actually her fault. by the way, don't you think why not is the perfect trump campaign slogan. donald trump, why not folks, why not. take a chance. why not. why not. that one line sums it all up for me. this entire evening. trump's evening wasn't about hillary. this debate was about donald trump debating the establishment. he was blaming hillary for everything. everything obama did, even everything bush did. by thend of the night i'm like you're right she never should have shouted at alexander hamilton. i felt so bad for lester hotel. -- holt. he tried so hard but mr. trump wouldn't let him do anything. >> mr. trump we're talking about

the burden americans have to pay. you have not released your tation returns and the reason nominees have released their returns for decades is that voters will know if their potential president owes money to who he owes it to and any business conflict. >> i will release them as soon as the audit. look, i've been under audit almost for 15 years. i get audited almost every year. in a way, i should be campaigning. i'm not even campaigning. i don't mind it. >> tevor: you just complain. i should be complaining but i'm not complaining. let me tell you how much how bad this is, i shouldn't be telling you about this but i'm telling you about this. i should be shouting at you right now but i'm not donald trump. the best part halfway through he just gave up making excuses about his taxes and he switched. he became honest and he became proud of it. >> he doesn't want the american people. all of you watching tonight, to know that he's paid nothing in federal taxes because the only years that anybody's ever seen were a couple years when he had to turn them over to state

authorities when he was trying to get a casino license, and they showed he didn't pay any federal income tax. so -- >> that makes me smart. >> tevor: i'm sorry, what? taxes are a responsibility, not something to evade, you know. you're running to be the number one citizen of a country, you shouldn't brag about ways you found ways to get around the rules. he's like oh that makes me smart. you see what i did there, screwed over the american people by not paying my fair share. vote for me, yeah. vote for me. see what i did there. [applause] >you can't see me.i found a way. do you know who else found a way around the rules. o.j. no one likes him. i found this very financial loophole, very lucrative called crime. vote for me. to be honest when the debate started i felt donald trump wasn't doing a bad job, he was throwing the right punches, saying the right thing. but then debate moved to foreign

policy and honestly, i didn't think this would happen but i was personally owe felded. >> it's one thing to have 20 trillian in debt and our roads are good and our bridges are good and everything's in great shape, our airports are like from a third world country. >> tevor: our airports are better than yours donald trump. don't bring third world countries into this you hear me. we watching this debate everyone at home what's he talking about. we've got nice airports. we've got wonderful countries and on top of that we've got professionals. don't involve us in your problems. so the debate moved on, right. moved on to race relations in america. and it turns out, and this might even be my favorite part of the evening. it turns out the only way donald trump can truly relate to any issue in america is by whether or not he has a property in that state. >> when i look at what's going

on in charlotte, the city i love, the city where i have investments, you don't have community good relations in chicago. it's terrible. i have property there. it's terrible what's going on in chicago. >> tevor: i love this. donald trump relates to america like he's playing a game of monopoly. yeah, i have that street, i know what it's like there. he's my boy. he gets it, you know. some of my favorite dollar bills live in charlotte. yeah. what if a black guy stands in front of my building and one of the bullets go through him and hits my building. oh. trump wasn't the only guy saying wrong things tonight don't get me wrong. he said most of the incorrect things. but then he said the wrong things unless you got put on the spot. for instance about the murder rates in new york. >> under the current mayor crime has continued to drop, including murders. >> you're wrong. you're wrong. >> no, i'm not. >> tevor.>> murders are up. >> new york has done an excellent job. >> tevor: hillary you don't

have to fight for the specifics that trump can prove and go off what you're saying. you're missing the point. this is about stop and for example. shoot -- frisk. you don't need to defend the by lying. one of the things i don't understand. these are the small lies that allow false equivalency to exist. you don't need to confuse murders with justify stop and frisk because you realize you just achieved the impossible hillary by lying in a debate with donald trump. you gave him one thing where he was right. you might as well have said you think his hair looks good. >> when you talk about, i think i've developed very very good relation shiemsz over the last little while -- relationships over the last little while with the african american community. you can see that. >> tevor: that's what i like to call truth trump. watch him, every now and again truth trump comes out. i've developed relations with the african community over the past little while. [laughter] it just slips out, it just slips out. all the taxes, i cheat.

that's brilliant, yeah. because before this, i did not mess with black people. that's honest trump. >> i also noticed very nasty commercials you do on me in so many different ways which i don't do on you, maybe i'm trying to save the money. >> tevor: you see that's a slip. i don't do commercials on you because i'm trying to save the money. luckily you're a good person. that's what he should have said, i don't do negative commercials because i'm a good man. because i'm trying to save the money. truth trump shut up. i can't control it. i need to proof the war in my mind, folks. these are all the things he said much this is insane. >> the other day behind the blue screen, i don't know who you were talking to, secretary clinton, but you were totally out of control. i said there's a person with a temperament that's got a problem. >> secretary clinton. >> whoo, okay. >> tevor: this is one thing i love in this debate.

every other debate, it hasn't been a presidential debate. it's hillary, there's been this, and that and trump. but this is hillary's domain. you can see when she gets off the question, she has a little shimmy there. whoo, this is me. this is what we're doing now, words, i'm loving this. words words words words give me all the words words words words. she's feeling it. policy is her world. [applause] and i don't want to start any rumors, but there's a reason i think trump didn't do well. i'm not sure and i'm not trying to start rumors but trump was sniffing a lot at the debate. and someone needs to look into that. >> you'll absolutely be talking about that later. hundreds of countries are doing this. countries are in deep trouble. i want you to be very happy. [applause] >> tevor: what was that about, trump? look, we didn't watch the debate just to make jokes about us.

we want to do our part to keep the candidates honest and home on the show we're going to delve into it. it just happened now, it's still zincing in. so we did have senior campaign correspondent watching closely leads. roy wood, jr., joining us live. roy. how did the two candidates do tonight. >> that's sneaky mofo tonight. can i say mofo. >> tevor: you just did. but not ass don't say ass. >> you just said it. donald trump came out saying i want to make sure immigrants get deported. no. but then hillary starts talking about trump worthy. girl you tripping. i know you did not just start talk about being trustworthy. and trump talking about all he was against the iraq war. cutting off lester. i got your back, brother. >> tevor: roy, roy, roy. what are you doing.

>> you asked me to black-check the debates snievmentd no. >> tevor: no, roy, i asked you to fact check the debates. why would i ask you to black check the debate. >> i don't know what you were asking. i thought it was pretty racist to be honest. i didn't want to say anything though because that dude hate black people, i better keep my mouth shut. trevor, though, why do you think trouble was sniffing so much. >> tevor: you asked me it's obvious he was sniffing all the [bleep] he was saying. we'll be right back.

[ 80's music ] can i get anyone a beer? make it a redd's apple ale! redd's apple ale. also for a limited time in ginger apple. sick of getting gouged for limited data? introducing t-mobile one. one price, all unlimited for everyone. get 4 lines for $35 per month each

with unlimited 4g lte data. switch today. our food was pretty darn close, too. we're keepin' that spirit alive with fajitas, a salad, and a mini molten cake for just $10. chili's. chilin' since '75.

>> tevor: welcome back to the daily show. we are live. the first clinton-trump presidential debate just wrapped up a short time ago. we're joined by senior political correspondent jordan klepper. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> tevor: we are breathing a sigh of relief. any immediate responses. >> flash stakes. how about insta pinion. after being ignored by the media he finally got the tv time his

campaign has been thursdaying fore. it could be a turning point. >> tevor: pivot. >> a game changer. >> tevor: paradigm shift. >> watership. >> tevor: you mean watershed. watership is something else. >> are you fact checking me. trevor this show is biased, this show is rigged. >> tevor: settle down, joartd. jordan. they would fact check the debate and many in the media said no you can't fact check live it couldn't be done. >> right, it is a big claim. so we went and fact checked it. >> one of the nation's top political fact checkers to find out how difficult it is to fact check a debate live. >> debates are relatively easy to cover. >> about 95% of the things they say in these debates are things they already said in which we have fact checked. >> for you the debates are like a rerun. like everybody loves raymond or like everybody thinks mexicans are racist. >> yes. so compare hillary and donald

trump. these are fact checking. hillary clinton is like playing czech a real pro. fact checking donald trump is like playing checkers. it's pretty boring. >> you found out he's boring. >> facts so easily disproven, there's no joy in the hunt. >> when glen finds a lie he raises egregiousness with a weathering one to four pinnochio. he's a politician using a wooden doll with a dick those. >> tevor: you fact check something and you give it four pinnochios then what happens to the candidate. >> most candidates will often stop saying that. in the case of donald trump, he almost never reacts to something we write. >> tevor: maybe he thinks pinnochio is just oh, that's good, that's two more than i had last night. >> i don't think so. >> fact, glen was caulk cocky.

i decided to check the fact checker. >> tevor: the tomato is a root. >> fact. >> tevor: it's unsafe to eat eggs sitting in your goods bag for two weeks. >> i think if you look at the department of agriculture that is not true. >> tevor: it's still good eggs. >> all right so glen checked out until i discovered how often he had given hillary's claim for pinnochio's compared to trump. >> he had 15% but donald trump is 65%. >> percentages, how about this. if hillary walked into a bar and says ten things, half of them would be lies. if it's trump six and-a-half of them would be lies. or to put it another way, when hillary screws you over, she does it with this tiny lying dick nose. if trump screws you, it's with this monstrosity.

the difference could only mean one thing. >> sounds like just classic liberal bias. >> no. facts have to have a bases in reality. >> tevor: whose reality, liberal reality or conservative reality. >> there is no liberal or conservative reality. there's just reality. >> tevor: why should we trust you. >> i'm completely dispassionate politically. i just look at the facts. >> tevor: you have no compassion whatsoever. >> i did not say i have no passion. i said i am dispassionate. >> tevor: really? are you telling me if i leaned down and successed you on the mouth right now you wouldn't feel something. >> that's not about the issues. >> the question. >> where are the issues going. >> i'm dispassionate about them. >> tevor: but the people [bleep] half the country thinks what donald trump says is totally cool. >> i like the fact checks. it's up to voters to decide what they want to do it. >> tevor: you're a smart guy

who makes a lot of interesting points. i'm an american, i believe what i feel. i know that is going to -- >> no, thank you. >> tevor: no, thank you, glen. with the election 42 days away, americans have a choice. they can listen to fact boys with italian wood puppets or they can listen to their gut, a choice which i fully endorse. trust your gut, america. to show strongbow's impressive range, we hired an actor with almost as much range. goooold apple. nah thats a little to much. hoooney. ah thats even worse. ginger! oh come on stewart! cherry blossom! he's not getting it, just show the flavors. strongbow!

♪ ♪ ♪thunder ♪ ♪thunder ♪ ♪ ♪thunder

this is how many people were born here. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. this guy keeps the town dry. these guys would prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. for 150 years, the home of jack daniel's. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. they look like this. just look for one of our postcards. quit wiggling around! i got just the thing! a kfc twenty dollar fill up, now with extra crispy tenders. feeling better, son? yeah! well now hold on! don't run and chew! it's finger lickin' good. >> tevor: welcome back to the daily show live. my guest tonight is a

correspondent, please welcome alicia menendez, everybody. [cheers and applause] >> tevor: let's jump straight into it. what a night. everyone has waited for so long. you've been on the campaign trial, you've been involved in moderating the debate whavment did you make of the night as a whole. >> i think clinton and trump came into this with very different tasks before them. they were speaking to very different audiences. hillary clinton knows she needs minority voters, women voters and highly educated voters. donald trump knows he needs disaffected rights voters. they were speaking to different audiences. on top of that they had two different tasks. donald trump needed to seem not not presidential. hillary clinton needed to prove her trustworthiness and i think that is a much harder thing to do in 90 minutes. >> tevor: is that what they were doing with the split screen so you could watch whichever part of the screen you wanted. it was like you're watching hear, she's saying one thing. it seems like she's saying one thing and donald trump is saying a completely different thing.