>> welcome back to the only tv show that is way more upset about the liev schreiber/ naomi watts breakup than the brangelina one. next week, if you're a single lady looking for a safe, sane lover, you're out of luck!

>> i'm a single stud seeking a kinky chick for heart rocking and serious thrills. i'm offering fun, games, relaxation, or excitement in return for a steady playdate with a woman who desires safe, sane thrills with an open-minded guy. >> you know what they say about guys in jean shorts. serial killers. all of us. i am no longer accepting new followers on twitter. the blog is now water-resistant, not waterproof. there is a difference. the buzz for next spring's "tosh point show: on campus" is deafening. everyone knows i'm a huge fan of the u. sadly "you" are out. you can blame my ballerina wife, who doesn't want to risk having a tiny zika keychain baby. michigan state, you're in. also tickets are on sale for the "sixth annual tosh saves the world charity show" in sarasota, florida. finally, listen up, kids. it's time for this week's "tips for not getting kidnapped." >> what do you have

on your hands? >> zip ties in case you ever get kidnapped, and not get these handcuffs 'cause you can do stuff with that. >> so you untied your shoelace. >> uh-huh. take your other shoelace and tie them together. once you have it--oops. then you're free. >> i think we all learned a valuable lesson. for you children watching, make sure you practice. and not in your living room. lock yourself in the trunk of your parent's hot car. simulate game time situation. for the kidnappers watching, take your victim's shoelaces. it will also make it much more difficult for them to run away. good night!

from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, the daily show with trevor noah presents the 2016 vice presidential debate. no one cares. [cheers and applause] >> tevor: welcome to the daily show thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah live. 20 minutes ago tim kaine and mike pence left their chairs of the vice presidential debate which was held in a shameless pandering millennials. number 18 million people did not watch the debates. [laughter] the first time a tv show has gotten negative ratings. but if there was a deferralship

than the presidential debate that's because no one knew the winners. this is true, hours before the debate, hours before the debate the gop released afternoon announcement on their website that mike pence already won. now they've since taken the pain down but before they did we found another page that no one else did and it's the one that the gop was supposed to only post on november 9th where they never supported donald trump and they somehow deserve credit for making him news. it's like we weren't there. [cheers and applause] we weren't part of that whole thing. that's why we went with him. but the hillary trud debate was high school wrestling. it was real but not flashing. mike pence and tim kaine prepared for this between donald trump giving him wedgies. that will teach him. going into the debate these cabinets had very different jobs.

tim kaine had to show a fun personality as opposed to hillary clinton when she died six weeks ago. and mike pence he was there to scoop up all the crap that trump left on the last debate. his debate was sponsored by febreez, nothing smells here, nothing smells here the whole time, nothing smells here. everything's good. [applause] the debate, though, did kick off with a bang. >> let me interrupt you. >> i get to weigh in. >> you have an opportunity -- >> governor pence. >> if you fail to negotiate -- >> more american troops -- hillary clinton proposed that. >> tevor: oh boy, oh boy. look at those two go. oh boy, oh boy. it turned from a debate to a big white guy argument. that's what that was. actually one of the biggest white guy arguments in history. in fact if we look at the white

guy argument meter it registers all the way to step dad versus real dad. that's how high that was people. that is no joke. [applause] you know guys i'm to be honest with you. this debate was boring. it didn't help to separate these two guys. both of them married for 31 years. both have sons in the military. both are super religious. both have multiple kinds of elected office. both use fps 1,000. if you were picking these guys at the airport and they were bags you'd get them mixed up with each other. that's mine, no that's mine. mine is the one with the red. my ears couldn't distinguish between the two of them. their whole debate you could replace their speech with this. ♪ [laughter] actually liked that more than

the debates. look, i'm not saying there was nothing to talk about during this debate because there were, there were things to talk about. there was substance. it was really impressive was how mike pence managed to dodge every single donald trump scandal thrown at him. >> americans think mr. trump is simply too erratic. >> let me say first and foremost, senator, you and hillary clinton would know a lot about an insult-driven campaign. it really is remarkable. >> tevor: what's remarkable is how you didn't answer the question at all. you were just like but let me start by saying this. i wish you could just do that in a relationship. my girlfriend is like why do you have lip stick on your color. let me start by saying this. the electric bill is too high you have to stop drying your hair. he did it again with trump's taxes. >> mr. trump says he brilliantly used the laws to pay as little

tax as legally possible. does that seem fair to you. >> what you all just heard out there is more taxes, $2 trillion in more spending. more deficits, more debt, more government. >> tevor: but less answers, less accountability, less clarity. they asked you a question and you tell us what we heard or what you guys heard was not a question. i'm going to tell you what you heard. you can see mike pence hating this, you know. he has his best clint eastwood impression trying to keep a straight face the entire time. sounds like he's drinking vinegar and acting like it's water. mm-mm. delicious. [laughter] mm-mm mm-mm. [laughter] don't get me wrong, it's not like the moderator didn't try. >> mr. trump said he brilliantly used the law to save as little tax as legally as possible. >> donald trump is a businessman

not a crooked politician. he actually built a business with his tax returns that came out publicly this week showed that he faced some pretty tough times 20 years ago. >> tevor: oh. i see you guys focusing on the fact at hand but let's focus on the fact that this poor poor man lost a billion dollars of other people's money. he's not as brilliant. you know i would vote for mike pence just because of how he defends trump. he's so good at this. he's like the guy who can't convince his friend not to drive drunk but is really good convincing the cop that hi friend isn't really drunk. no officer he's not. shut up dude, you're going to get us -- no, officer, we're going to die. no, no, he's good. tim kaine by the way was okay in this debate. he was really scrappy and scrappy's not really what we needed. look, here's the problem. tim kaine, too much preparation is not a good thing. it's great to prepare for a

debate it's not great to prepare your bunch lines. >> you're hired president in hillary clinton or do you want a fired president in donald trump. donald trump can't start a twitter war with ms. universe without shooting himself in the foot. if you don't know the difference between dictatorship and leadership, then you got to go back to the fifth grade civics class. >> tevor: if you want to see some addition al ziigers tim kaine.com. you've been broiled. i should have gone you've been kaineed. here's my thing with the whole debate. the real problem isn't that it was boring, it was that it was inscrutable. because what is the point of the debates. it's supposed to inform people. supposed to come away learning something. what's the point of the debate that doesn't have any fact checking. we know nothing. we have exchanges like this.

>> the truth is osama bin laden led al kai. isis. and because hillary clinton failed to negotiate the status of forces that would have allowed some american combat troops to remain in iraq and secure the hard fought games the american soldier had won by 2009. isis was able to be literally conjured up out of the desert and overrun vast areas. but the american soldier hadn't won an operational -- >> tevor: you tell me what normal person could possibly know who is right here. was the u.s.'s failure to reach a revised status of the iraq government more than the obama-clinton or should you blame it more fairly on the bush administration. nobody knows because most people at home don't have fact checkers which is too batted because it would be very helpful to solve domestic disputes in the house. lisa, you always finish the milk. the home fact checker is you finished it 62% of the time

that's not true. i hate you. you don't actually hate me. 42% of the time i'm on your side so you keep me around for that reason. we don't have that. i'll tell you this though. there's one thing we didn't need a fact checker for tonight. it was really simple. every time mike pence defended donald trump, everyone knows donald trump said it. >> donald trump's claim that nato is obsolete and get rid of nato because it's so dangerous. they want to go house to house, school to school, business to business and check out 16 million people. i cannot believe donald trump on the other hand didn't know russia had invaded crimea. he was on a tv show. >> tevor: mike pence look at him. that's nonsense. that's not true. no one would vote for a person who said those things. that is not true. that is just ridiculous. forget mike pence. it's like donald trump's running mate, it wasn't him but he said it on the record.

it wasn't him but he got it on the show. it wasn't him. but he sounded like him. it wasn't him. but it was him on the twaryt. donald trump was naked lying on the bathroom floor. it wasn't him. he wasn't paying his taxes but we won't see him no more. it's lies. you know how mike pence doesn't believe in donald trump? the one thing he's impressed about isn't what's above trump's neck but what's right below. >> talks about cease-fire while vladimir putin puts a missile defense while he marshall's the forces and begins, we have got to begin to lean into this with strong broad shouldered american leadership. >> tevor: that's what he says about trump all the time. strong leader broad shouldered american leadership. i'm not making this up. check it out. >> to be around donald trump is to be around a man with broad

shoulders. that kind of broad shoulderrered american strength. this is a broad shouldered leader. kind of broad shouldered leader he is. broad shouldered leadership. broad shouldered leadership. donald trump's got broad shoulders. broad shouldered leadership. >> masculinity there. >> not a bit, not a bit. [applause] >> from one man with broad shoulders to another we turn now to senior campaign correspondent hasan minhaj, everybody. hasan, who do you think won the debate tonight. >> come on trevor, who cares? it's not like these guys are going to be as awesome as joe biden. i mean mike pense and tim kaine

are so boring. tonight was like watching two payers of debate each other. i keep thinking i'm never going to see joe biden drop an f-bomb on live tv again. >> tevor: come on, hasan these guys do some interesting things. like for instance did you know that tim kaine plays the harmonica. >> that's your interesting fact, tim kaine plays the harmonica. joe biden did all of the stunts, he mooned the queen of england and the pope in a single after noon and his teeth are literally made of shooting stars. if you look directly into them you will go blind. >> tevor: that just sounds -- >> breathtaking, i know. >> tevor: i was going to say dangerous. >> it's worth it. biden spoiled us, not just dentally. we are never going to have another vice president that is so lovely unpredictable. remember that time he tried to make a paraplegic man stand up even though he was sitting in a

wheelchair. stand up, let them see you. god love you, what am i talking about. i tell you what, you're making everybody else stand up. thank you very very much. i tell you what, stand up. amazing. yes. now here is the crazy part. after that, biden smiled at the guy. so now the dude is paralyzed and blind. but you know, that's the gray thing about biden. you just, you can't help but love the guy. even when he's saying something racist. >> in delaware, the largest growth in population is indian american moving from india. you cannot go to a 7-11 or a duncan doughnuts unless you have a slight indian accident. >> i should be mad, i should but when it's joe biden it's just adorable.

i love it. being racially stereotype hasn't felt that good since that time i got mistaken. i love you master of none. i'm like whoa, thank you so much. i can't believe it. finally. [applause] but you know, that's the thing. you can't stay mad at joe. he has no impulse control and i mean no impulse control. just ask any woman who has ever met him. >> and to the u.s. senate as well for their trust and confidence. got a lot of thanks to give out here. standing right next to me. come on.

oh my god,eéhanson. i think i got an am butter awe amber alert just from watching that. can you see tim kaine doing that. he can't. tim kaine is so straight-laced he covers his eyes during the cialias commercials. mike pence, i don't think he ever kissed a girl. i really believe he's saving sex for the after life. >> tevor: hasan i got to say why are you sad about biden leaving. it seems all the stuff you like about him, unpredictablity, his casual racism, you can get that all from a president trump. >> whoa. biden is the vice president, vice. it's okay he's award owe because he has no real -- what's a weirdo because he has no power. all he does is sit around. you never put a guy like that in charge. it goes like this. guy at the top responsible,

boring, predictable. guy below him, exciting. everybody loves him. life of the party. handsome, you know, like me and you. [laughter] >> tevor: doesn't mean you're sitting around waiting for me to die. >> it's time for a commercial we'll be right back. >> tevor: no, i say we'll be right back. >> we'll be right back. >> tevor: we'll be right back. >> we'll be right back. >> his mom lived in long island for ten years or so, got rest her soul. her soul. your mo hey, it's been crazy with school being back- so we're constantly going over our data limit. oh, well, now - all of our new plans come with no data overages. wow, no more overages? so that means... go on...say it... we'll finally be in control...

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>> tevor: welcome back to the daily show. we're live. the vice presidential debate

just finished. we're here with jordan klepper everybody. >> good to be here. just to be clear, we are live, right. >> tevor: yes, jordan, we are completely live. >> like live, live. like what i'm saying is being heard across the country right now. >> tevor: that's what live mains. >> great. balls. balls. balls, balls, balls, balls. >> tevor: are you done. >> yes, i'm done. >> tevor: okay, great. >> balls. >> tevor: all right, jordan back to the debate. you are so childish. going into tonight, the big debate was like many people were going we don't know much about tim kaine and mike pence. >> well that's what i used to think trevor, but then i went out to interview actual americans. and it turns out no one knows anything about mike kaine and tim pence. >> tevor: i think you switched names. >> after the vice presidential debate half of the voters had

never heard of mike pence or tim kaine. i went through new york city to slap some fives and get 4911 on their names. do you know houthis guys are. >> someone's grandpa or dads. >> who are these two guys. >> don't know, don't care. >> a couple white guys, who knows the difference, huh. more like sleeping. nobody knows and why should we care. it's not like vp's do anything way. what does the vice president even do? >> nothing basically. >> do you know anything about mike pence's policies. >> no, not a bit, not a bit. >> do you think it's matters. >> no. >> what is the big difference between these two guys. >> one has white hair and one has dark hair. >> can you name these vice presidential candidates. >> oh my goodness. >> these too were practically identical. who are these guys.

>> that's tim kaine and mike pence, the vice presidential candidates. >> oh, mr. smarts. can you tell me one fact about these guys. other than one's got white hair and one's got brown hair. >> mike pence is actually really dangerous. >> he's dangerous like oh no we've got a brand pa in the oval office. >> no i think his health issues are quite dangerous. >> these guys didn't get the boring memo. >> this is tim kaine, he's a senator from virginia and this is mike pence and he's that homophobic governor from indiana. >> all right. >> mike pense has spent his entire career trying to undo planned parent hood and unplug hundreds of thousands of low income persons from basic reproductive healthcare. he doesn't believe in condoms. >> neither do i. actually she's right. as governor mike pence signed some of the most strict

anti-abortion legislation in the nation. >> hiv he almost single handedly caused an even -- even denia- epidemic. >> he signed the bill called the religious freedom restoration act and it allows businesses to discriminate or refuse service to the lgbt community. >> that was that guy, that was pence. >> that was that guy. >> also checks out, dude, the total dick. he championed and bonus said cigarettes don't kill while taking campaign money from big tobacco. how do these in times square know so much about indiana. because she's actually betty cochran, the president and ceo of planned parenthood of indiana and kentucky. this is kevin wawrn a 30 year civil rights act vest and this is dr. andrew goldstein author

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>> tevor: welcome back to the daily show coming to you live. my guest tonight is founder and editor in chief of vox.com ezra klein. this was exciting. >> it was a thrilling evening for us all. >> tevor: what's the craziest part of the debate for you man. >> the beginning. when it began. i actually think it was a real debate. >> tevor: it was actually probably one of the weirdest ones we've seen in presidential politics in a long time. you don't see a rung mate go into a vice presidential debate and refuse to defend his top of the ticket candidate's record. >> you're talking about mike pense now. >> he flat out refused to defend he said one time he will defend donald trump. do you know what it feels like he's not watching donald trump the same way we are. there was a strange dementia here where mike pence won the debate and donald trump lost it. mike pence did a good job stylistically and the way he