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oh, no, come on, man. aye, guber driver, to the crib. - so, i guess we'll never know if tupaquia was tupac. - yeah. aye, homey, you goin' the wrong way. where you taking us? - westside, motherfuckers! [all screaming] [funky hip-hop music] ♪ october 24th, 2016. ♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noah." the best of the worst, democalypse 2016 round up! ♪ >> this is it, we made it! [ cheers and applause ] >> the first debate, the waiting is finally over. this is after a year of subtweeting each other on the campaign trail, finally hillary clinton and donald trump went head to head and we did not have to wait long for the first lie. [ laughter ]

>> donald, it's good to be with you. [ laughter ] >> ah, she's crooked! she's so crooked! the lies hillary! even melania was in the audience like, it's never good to be with him, don't lie! small hands, small hands! last night donald trump showed a lot of, what's the word i am looking for? >> restraint. >> restraint. >> i thought mr. trump at different times showed great restraint. >> i think there you saw in him the restraint and temperment that will make for a great president. >> i think he showed discipline, i think he was measure, in fact i think he was restrained. >> he was restrained. [ laughter ] >> you wouldn't pay what the man needed to be paid. what he was charging you. >> maybe he didn't do a good job. >> her name is alicia -- >> where did you find her? where did you find her? >> i have been senator, donald. >> you haven't done it. you haven't done. >> and i have been secretary of state. >> and excuse me -- i did not, i did not, i did not say that. wrong!

>> facts >> wrong! >> that is absolutely proved over and over again. >> wrong! >> wrong! what is he doing? hillary's trying to talk and he's there -- wrong! he's like a reverse hype man, that's what he's doing. like hillary's rapping on the beat, "and this is what we're gonna do in terms of the -- wrong!" that's not true! you're the worst! >> we have senior campaign correspondent roy wood jr. watching closely. >> roy, how did the two candidates do tonight? >> now let's just kick it off with my man, donald trump. he came out saying i want to make sure immigrants get deported. i was like, oh hell naw! but then hillary started talking about being trustworthy! trustworthy! girl, you tripping! i know you did not just start talk about being trustworthy. oh and then trump started talking about how he was always against the iraq war. he was cutting off lester holt, i was like lester, let me come up and ride up on this fool for you, man! i got your back, brother! >> roy, what are you doing? >> you asked me to black check the debate. >> no, roy -- i asked you to fact check the debate!

[ laughter ] >> oh. >> why would i ask you black check the debate? >> i don't know why you would ask that? i thought it was pretty racist to be honest. [ laughter ] ♪ >> trump was sniffing a lot -- [ laughter ] in this debate. and someone needs to look into that. >> perhaps we'll be talking about that later. [ sniffs ] hundreds of companies are doing this -- [ sniffs ] our country's in deep trouble. [ sniffs ] [ sniffs ] [ sniffs ] [ laughter ] i want you to be very happy. [ cheers and applause ] >> what was that about trump? the debate did not go well for him and from the time the debate ended. he had come up with a reason as to why. >> they also gave me a defective mic, did you notice that? >> no -- >> my mic was defective within the room. i wonder, what that on purpose? when i tested it was beautiful, like an hour before. i said what a great mic! it was much lower than hers. >> ok. >> i don't want to believe in conspiracy theories of course, but it was much lower than hers and it was crackling.

>> you know, trump's mic was actually worse. it was worse than bad, it was so bad that it was good. >> what's the deal with the sniffles? you know i heard you in i think the first answer it sounded like you have seasonal allergies or a little cold. what's up with that? >> no, no sniffles. you know the mic was very bad, but maybe it was good enough to hear breathing. [ laughter ] >> the mic was very bad, but maybe it was good enough to hear breathing? as if people didn't think trump was evil before. [ laughter ] now he's using the same complaints as darth vader! [ laughter ] luke, i am your -- guys, guys, is it just me or does my breathing -- it's like really loud? [ laughter ] it makes me sound sinister doesn't it? i am just trying to tell luke that i am his dad. ♪ everyone is still talking about this debate and not even the debate as a whole. it's just this moment in the debate that hillary set up like

a pro. >> one of the worst things he said was about a woman in a beauty contest, he loves beauty contest, supporting them and hanging around them and he called this woman miss piggy. then he called her miss housekeeping, because she was latina. donald she has a name. >> where did you find her? where did you find her? >> her name is alicia machado. and has become a us citizen -- >> oh really? >> and you can bet she's going to vote. >> ok. >> now if you were paying attention during the debate you probably noticed that hillary waited until the very end to trick trump into talking about how he treats women. because everything else she accused trump of saying. he was like, wrong, wrong! didn't say that! yeah i know you are but what am i? everything, everything! but you can tell she caught him off guard when it came to this cause this time, he didn't say that. he was like, where did you find that? who told you? were you reading my diary? [ laughter ] saturday came the biggest scandal yet this month.

>> the new york times published leaked documents showing trump declared a 916 million dollar loss on his 1995 income tax returns. that decision quote, could have allowed him to legally avoid paying any federal income tax for up to 18 years. >> that's right people, mister billionaire could have paid no income tax at all for 18 years. because he lost 916 million dollars. lost it, yeah! the only way this would make trump look worse is if we found out he claimed a small hands deduction. that's the only way this could get worse. >> i know people that are making a tremendous amount of money and paying virtually no tax and i think it's unfair. [ laughter ] >> i know these people, i know these people so well folks, because them, is me! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets

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but first to start the show, i don't know what do you guys want to talk about? anything interesting happen over the weekend? [ laughter ] >> breaking news, a newly surfaced video of donald trump talking about groping women. >> crotch. >> vagina. >> pussy. >> pussy. >> pussy! >> god damn! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> whoo! you know, i'll tell you this, when the history of american politics is written it will be divided into two distinct eras -- before pussy and after pussy. [ laughter ] because since friday, nothing has been the same and no one saw this coming! at the end of last week we were all waiting for the debate on sunday. i remember people were like oh, what's he going to say about his tax returns? [ laughter ] and now, we're in a completely different world! >> the conversation was recorded on a hot microphone in 2005 in an "access hollywood" bus. >> you know i am automatically attracted to beautiful women, i just start kissing them. it's like a magnet.

and when you're a star they let you do it, you can do anything. >> whatever you want! >> grab them by pussy. you can do anything! [ audience groans ] >> before we breakdown all of the disgusting comments made on billy bush's bang bus, can we -- [ laughter ] can we just analyze grab them by the pussy? because honestly, i thought about this hard and long. i've never heard that phrase in my life. what kind of person grabs the pussy? that doesn't sound pleasurable for either party involved! [ laughter ] i don't get it! do you not know ladies? like maybe it's a tiny hands thing. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] maybe he can't hold it or caress it. he needs to grab it, because for trump it's like a baby holding a grapefruit. [ laughter ] >> fellow republicans are abandoning trump at an alarming rate. >> more than 70 prominent republicans have denounced

trump's remarks in public statements. >> rnc officials are discussing whether to shift resources away from trump and toward candidates for other down ballot races. >> i actually feel sorry for the gop, they spent their entire campaign season waiting for the trump pivot and it never came! well now i see why republicans don't believe in evolution, but it looks like pussygate was the straw that finally broke the elephants back. >> it is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and i can now fight for america the way i want to. >> yes people, appearantly what we've seen up unto now was shackled donald trump! [ laughter ] but not anymore, now trump is like king kong, in that they both broke free of their shackles and like grabbing white women without asking. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> key question here is what do trump's fan think about all this? well jordan klepper once again hit the streets -- actually more like the parking lot to find out. >> according to the mainstream media donald trump's lewd talk and recent sexual assault

allegations are eroding his republican support. >> the gop is abandoning their nominee in droves. >> the exodus of republican support continued. >> republicans are deserting the sinking ships. >> but i don't listen to that noise. i listen to this throb. buh-bah, buh-bah! this is jordan klepper fingers the pulse. ♪ i hitched a ride to a rally in the crucial swing state of pennsylvania to ask trump supporters if he had finally crossed the line. >> you know what? so what if he wants to grab pussy. i want to grab pussy. >> that's a no! >> i wish i could grab as much pussy as he has. >> well i'd like to grab al qaida by the pussy and shove some yankee doodle dandy right up its ass! >> also a no! >> but how are they ok with the presidential candidate bragging about sexual assault? wait for it. >> i think it's just locker room talk. >> what does that mean? >> guys in the bar talk that way when they see a pretty girl.

what are you gonna say? >> i've heard worse about men talking about girls, women so -- >> are you talking about other presidential candidates like mondale? >> yes. >> locker room talk. that's what boys do. he didn't do it. >> well, i don't talk like that. >> well -- >> do you have any children? >> i do. >> do they talk like that? >> no they don't. >> so not those boys. >> well no. >> do you have a husband? >> i do. >> does he talk like that? >> no. >> not that boy. >> is that how you talk? >> well no, but i feel like, he says -- >> is that how your dad talks? >> well no but, >> is that how your pastor talks? >> no not necessarily >> so who talks like that? >> ah, well, obviously donald trump. >> it was stupid bragging men talk. men brag. >> we brag right. you brag a bit, right? >> um, not exactly, but i know quite a few people that do. >> and --background dab. yes, it was all becoming clear. men brag. it's just locker room talk. >> grab it while you can. trump! >> what is it? >> the pussy! grab it all while you can. >> except i can't talk like that in front of my daughter. >> i think you just did!

these things you say, people can hear. and the locker room was huge. extending all the way across the country. was there any line trump couldn't cross? is there anything trump could say that cold come on up that would make you not vote for him? >> no. >> no matter what he says or does i will vote for donald trump. [ cheers and applause ] >> jordan klepper everybody, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] this beer is fiercely loyal. brewed generation after generation... only with moravian barley. coors banquet. that's how it's done. of bad breath germs% for a 100% fresh mouth. feeling 100% means you feel bold enough to... ...assist a magician... ...or dance. listerine®. bring out the bold™ so wi got a job!ews? i'll be programming at ge.

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let's talk a bit more about sunday night's town hall debate between hillary clinton and groper cleveland. after the debate, some people say that trump won because honestly, he managed to distract attention away from his pussy grabbing scandal. and some people say hillary clinton won because she made sense. it's clear who really won -- >> the internet has determined a clear winner, mr. ken bone. >> a man in a red sweater stole the spotlight. >> ken bone you're so charming >> the legend of ken bone

>> i went from last night having seven twitter followers, two of which were my grandmother because she had to remake her account when she forgot her password. to, now i have several hundred. his grandmother follows him twice on twitter. this guy is so naturally appealing. you know right now hillary's campaign is just analyzing everything about him. she's going to show up to the third debate in a red sweater and a mustache. what are you talking about? i've always looked like this. [ laughter ] for a look at what the candidates got right and wrong, here's desi lydic with what the actual fact. [ cheers and applause ] >> [ bleep ] it here's trump lying at the debate -- >> our taxes are so high just about the highest in the world. jobs are essentially non existent. [ buzz ] >> mr. trump we're moving onto another question -- >> slowest growth since 1929. [ buzz ] she made 250 million dollars. [ buzz ] laughing at the girl who was raped. [ buzz ] 600 requests for help. [ buzz ] i was against the war in iraq. [ buzz ] many people saw bombs.

[ buzz ] maybe there is no hacking. [ buzz ] ice just endorsed me. [ buzz ] raising everybody's taxes. [ buzz ] she wants to go to a single payer plan. [ buzz ] leaving carried interest. [ buzz ] pretty much self funding. [ buzz ] no i didn't say that at all. [ buzz ] it wasn't check out a sex tape. [ buzz ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> yep. its like someone scraped the resin from the side of the debate, just concentrated bull -- but like i said, i'm out! ♪ >> let's turn now to some breaking news. some brand new policy proposals have just come out from donald trump, where he spoke --i'm just kidding, its some more sex stuff. [ laughter ] >> breaking news, explosive new allegations against donald trump. >> overnight, a flood of new allegations, multiple women who say donald trump touched or kissed them inappropriately. >> the palm beach post reports a woman who lived there , mindy mcgillivray, claims she was groped by trump 13 years ago. >> rachel crooks tells the

times, in 2005 she introduced herself to the businessman at trump tower. instead of a handshake, he kissed her. >> yes people, in the last 24 hours six women have come forward with their personal stories about allegedly being assaulted by donald trump. and who would have thought? the guy who says he forces himself on women, actually forces himself on women. [ laughter ] ♪ >> even though the second presidential debate ended 48 hours ago people are still dealing with the after effects. you know like an earthquake or a venereal disease. [ laughter ] actually was i the only one who at some point feared that donald trump wanted to strangle hillary. there was a point -- did you guys feel that way? there was a point in the debate, just look at this. >> yeah. why is he looming? he doesn't look like a presidential candidate, he looks like a creepy butler. its like, jesus bardsley! i told you to stop sneaking up on me. >> your soup madam, your soup. >> ah!!

there are two of you. >> trump went hard on hillary for her emails, which seems to be a lingering weak point for her actually. lets take a look. >> you think it was fine to delete 33 thousand emails? i don't think so. she said the 33 thousand emails had to do with her daughter's wedding, number one, and a yoga class. well maybe we'll give 3 or 4 or 5 or something. >> 33 thousand emails about a wedding? >> aw, my friend. you have never been on a wedding email chain have you? you have to ask yourself america, who do you want as president, a woman who has the efficiency to plan a wedding in less than 33 thousand emails, or a fake billionaire who preys on woman and uses them as sexual props --oh wait, he's behind me isn't me? >> yeah he's behind you. please don't grab my pussy, please don't grab my pussy, please don't grab my pussy. [ laughter ] alright, michelle wolf everybody. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪i live in a nameless town

♪in a black out ♪midnight where we used to dance♪ ♪underneath the ugly halogen lamps♪ ♪oh, it all went away so fast ♪in a black out ♪

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always charged and always ready. don't be shy. you're all family. a little bit closer. act like you love each other. alright! [mom] where's your brother? [sister] ugh, not again. [dad] buddy, come here. what're you doin? c'mon big guy. [sister] weirdo. all right, here we go. say nuts! nuts! peaches are members of the almond family. hm! put some flavor in your break. make time for snapple. we're now joined by senior media correspondent ronny chieng, everybody. [ applause ] >> thank you. thank you. hey trevor, i'm not sure if you're familiar with the internet or tv, but if you are, you've probably seen this [ bleep ] on fox news. >> in the first presidential debate china was mentioned 12 times. so we sent watters down to new york's chinatown to sample political opinion. >> ok let me get this straight.

they say china in the debate so you go to chinatown in new york? so when they mention mexico do you send someone to taco bell? chinatown is nothing like china. they got nothing to do with each other. that's like if they brought up women's rights so i decided to go over to fox news, to get their opinions! >> trump has been beating up on china how does that make you feel? >> this might come as a surprise but chinese americans do actually have genuine thoughts about this year's election. that's why i went to chinatown to speak to people in a language they understood: human. >> i'm from queens! >> as a muslim staring down the barrel of a trump presidency, its time for me to say goodbye to america. >> donald j trump is calling for

a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. what i want is i don't want them to come here. >> donald trump telling nbc news he would quote certainly implement a database system to track muslims in the us. >> bans? registries? it doesn't take a genius to see he's gonna kick my brown ass out of here. so i decided to say goodbye to my home the united states and all the places i would never get to visit. what's the best thing about wisconsin? >> the green bay packers! >> in georgia we have great white water rafting. >> i would love to go white water rafting. what's the best thing about oklahoma? >> the oklahoma sooners! >> we call it maui nokowoi which means maui is the best. >> wow i would love to go there. >> you're always welcome to come. >> i would love to come down and see a game. >> yes, come. >> i can't >> why? >> i'm a muslim and if donald trump is elected he's probably going to throw me out. >> well you kind of have to understand a little bit of where he's coming from. >> where he's coming from? maybe some place like this? >> you told cnn quote islam hates us. did you mean all 1.6 billion

muslims? >> i mean a lot of them. i mean a lot of them. >> well, until these republicans start caring about how their votes affect brown people. i guess i'm going to have to say my goodbyes. bye t-shirts only republicans can afford. goodbye karl rove. goodbye token minorities. goodbye hypocritical gun policy. goodbye walking contradictions. goodbye america, i'll miss you. ♪ >> let's get right to it people, the third and final presidential debate of 2016 just ended in las vegas. and i gotta say all the prostitutes in vegas must have really enjoyed the evening, because for once, they got to watch other people screw americans. it was appropriate for the debate to be in las vegas because this was america's night to let loose. let loose before she settles down and makes a commitment to one person. this was like a bachelorette party. except the giant novelty dildo was onstage behind a podium. your running mate governor pence pledged on sunday that he and you, his words, will absolutely accept the result of this

election. i want to ask you here on this stage tonight, do you make the commitment that you will absolutely --sir --that you will absolutely accept the result of this election? >> i will look at it at the time. i will tell you at the time. i'll keep you in suspense. >> am i the only one who thinks that's horrifying? that's horrifying right? >> that's horrifying. you know every time donald thinks things are not going in his direction he claims whatever it is, is rigged against him. he said the fbi was rigged. he said the republican primary was rigged. he claims the court system and the federal judge is rigged against him. he didn't get an emmy for his tv program 3 years in a row and he started tweeting that the emmys were rigged against him. >> shoulda gotten it. >> who is this man? jesus is that what trump's first order of business is going to be, emmy reform? this debate had so many moments of craziness you couldn't possibly process it in the time we have. i will say this though.