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>> welcome back to the only tv show that believes halloween should always be on the last saturday of october, not the 31st. [cheers and applause] next week, the inmates have taken over the asylum. >> i'm the bong lord. >> maybe this show does more harm than good. follow my ghost writers--

i mean me--on twitter. when you're done watching this full episode, go to our website, tosh.cc.com, to watch full episodes. tuesday, november 8th is a huge day for our country: the "tosh.0lection" episode. also, you can vote. tickets are still on sale for the "6th annual tosh saves the world charity show" in sarasota, florida, and my christmas spectacular in reno. breaking news about "the tosh point show on campus." the university of nebraska, you are in. go ahead and release your environment-killing balloons. oklahoma, you are out. like kevin durant, i've got better places to be. go big red. boohoo sooners. finally, you've probably heard that creepy clowns have been terrorizing people all over this once great nation, and of course everybody is overreacting. target has stopped selling clown halloween costumes. mcdonald's is canceling all of ronnie's appearances. not all clowns are evil.

first, we tried to ban all muslims, now clowns? what's next, female veterinarians? why not just have mimes build an imaginary wall to keep them out and make the clowns pay for it? or better yet, force all the clowns into one small car and drive them to a clowncentration camp? or we just let black people handle it. yep, never try to bluff a black guy with a gun. >> tj, i'm about to run, tj. >> [bleep] him up, tj! >> tj, seriously, tj, come on. we need to go. get off of him! >> this clown, get your ass out of there, mother[bleep]! go. go get the [bleep] on. [bleep], man, what the [bleep] wrong with you, [bleep]? [shouts indistinctly] [person screams] >> whip their ass! that last one might be staged.

all right, happy halloween, you bozos. good night. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! welcome to "the daily show"! my guest tonight, i'm really excited, chief political correspondent for cnn dana bash is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) here to talk about the world of cnn and media. first, i was really, really sick last week, thursday, and i couldn't do the eshow. can we just acknowledge for a second i've moved to america and, since i have been here, i have been to the hospital more times than i ever did in south africa. yeah. it's not because we don't have

hospitals, and if you thought that, you're racist. yeah, there is something going on with the food. anyway, i was unable to do the show and the host was jordan klepper who did an amazing job. thank you so much, jordan klepper. ( applause ) part of me thinks one person was watching who was, like, wow, trevor really turned up his white half tonight! i like it! that's not how being mixed race works. i can't turn it up and down like the brightness on a tv. although sometimes i wish i could turn up the blackness or whiteness. i turn up the blackness to be cool and turn up the white necessary to get loans -- whiteness to get loans. ( laughter ) early voting is underway. you know how donald trump said to be on the lookout for shenanigans at polling places? i think i believe him. >> just just may be in trouble because he snapped a selfie

while voting in memphis. tennessee law prohibits photos in booths and the matter is under review. >> trevor: that's right. apparently it's illegal to take a selfie in the voting booth while smelling your own farts. ( laughter ) to be fair to justin, though, that's the face most americans will make when they vote this year -- ( laughter ) i don't see why taking pictures should be legal. we live -- illegal. we live in an age of sharing. that's how millennials roll. i admit it's sometimes possible to go too far. >> d. j. shared the birth of his son on social media documenting his fiancée's entire delivery on snapchat. >> trevor: really? that's just disgusting! everyone knows the decent thing to do is put it on instagram! because you can make the baby

look younger using the valencia filter. come on, people! work with me here! although, snapchating the baby coming out is weird and a little gross, but it looks super funny with the puppy filter. it works on so many levels, guys! really does. you realize we truly are in the age of millennials now where doctors will be delivering babies, like, congratulations, it's trending. but let's move now to the middle east. it's a phrase known as ever said. there is so much violence that sent millions of refugees fleeing into europe and in many places reaching breaking points. prime example in france. when most people hear "france," they think of cheese, the eiffel tower or rapey skunks, but if you happen to be a refugee, there's a side of france only you get to see. >> french authorities are clearing out the pry mygrant camp in the city of calais known as the jungle a place where

thousands have come in hope of crossing the sea. >> officials hope to empty the camp within a week and tear down the entire site by the end of the year. they're telling the occupants the options they have are to apply for official asylum in france or return to their home country. >> trevor: yes, those are the refugees only two options, apply for official asylum or return home to their countries, and seems like an easy choice, but you know there is one refugee going, mmm, syria, paper work -- syria, paperwork. what's that? i have to fax the forms? see you in aleppo! ( laughter ) this refugee camp being shut down is calais a city in frarntion not a pretentious way of pronouncings california. though sometimes it sounds like that, i live in cali, haven't had running water in six weeks so now i live outside

( talking like valley girl ) crime has gotten so bad they nicknamed calais the jungle. as a person from an actual jungle, i find that offensive. i'm sure i'm not alone, but there is probably an outraged lemur back home goings why do they have to go call it the jungle? huh? that's insulting to what we have here! we have a functioning ecosystem, which has a king, which, by the way, is a tiger -- i don't know why people think the lion is the king of the jungle. there is no goddam lions in the jungle, people are so egg norton! that's what the lemur thinks, not me. i know some of you are thinking choosing between france and syria should be easy because everyone loves france. right? wrong. >> you don't want to go to france? >> no, i don't like france. >> france, no good. >> life in britain is better

than france? >> yeah. we don't want to stay here. >> why not go somewhere in france. >> you can see what the country of france is. france is not good enough to take care of us. >> trevor: damn! not good enough? wow. i haven't seen that many people hating on france since they invented the mime. if you mimes have a problem with that, say something. i dare you. say something. i -- didn't -- think -- so. ( applause ) but refugees, i see what you guys are trying to do here. it's a game of reverse psychology. you're going to say france is horrible, and the french are going to invite you to stay but you're going about it the wrong way. you can't insult the french, it only makes them more proud. their culture is designed to inspire resentment from others, that's why they make cheese that smells like my uncles feet. you say the camps corks they say, yeah, because the french refugee camp is an acquired

taste! ( french accent ) for more, we're joined by roy wood, jr. for more, joining us live from france. roy, what the (bleep) are you wearing? you're supposed to be talking about the refugees. why are you dressed like you just jumped on the cubs bandwagon? >> ain't no bandwagon, african! what you think, i just grabbed this? this is my legit clothing. i had this robe more than your damn green card. i had to put my name on the back. this is mine, in case somebody wanted to play baseball when i got out of the shower. >> trevor: i stand corrected. you -- >> you don't believe me? i'm a legit club fan. that's my high school portrait. i was a handsome virgin ( applause ) >> trevor: oh, you're so cute with your cheeks and lips. that's you in your hospital? when is that picture from? >> 1996. >> trevor: i thought you were,

like, 50! ( laughter ) sorry. i sent you to report on refugees, roy. >> yeah, and you sent the right guy, trevor. if there is anyone who knows about suffering, it's a cubs fan, and i want the calais refugees know cubs fans stand whined behind you. you've got what it takes to go all the way. you've got ambition. can't coach that. secondly, you've proven you're good on the road. now you have to get in the final stretch, dig deep and believe in yourselves. grind it out. i'll grind it out with you. this c stands for compassion, caring, refugees of calais and for anyone who refuses to accept second best especially the chicago (bleep) cubs. ( applause ) >> trevor: so if you're so into the refugees, i assuming you will be donating some money to them. >> tickets are $5,000 for the world series, man. hell, no.

every man for himself. >> trevor: roy wood, jr., everyone! thank you so much, roy! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ you never believed in fairytales. knights in shining armor or happily ever after. but you believed when the right one came along, you'd be ready. time to shine. orbit.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." presidential candidates make a lot of promises but one thing they emphasize is what they'll do in their first 100 days in office which is weird because in any other job those would be the least productive days, you're just getting your bearings, waiting for an email address. how do dial an outside line, how does this work? but when you're president the stakes are higher so people want to hear your plan. >> what would be your first 100 days plan in foreign policy? >> pursuing our continued efforts to reduce nuclear weapons with russia. >> in my first 100 days in office, i will order the formulation of a national cybersecurity strategy. >> the first 100 days of my administration, i will close guantanamo, reject the military

commissions act and adhere to the geneva conventions. >> trevor: those videos make me so happy, see bill clinton, mitt romney when he thought he was going to be be president, and obama, look at this guy! so young and cute talking about closing guantanamo, like one of the new year's resolutions he's not going to keep. i'm going to close gitmo and go to friday night lights, i promise you. ( laughter ) it's their vision for america, not just a to do list. this weekend donald trump traveled to gettysburg a city known for its presidential addresses e. seems he has other plans for his early days in office. every woman lied when they came forward to hurt my campaign. total fabrication -- ( applause ) the events never happened. never. all of these liars will be sued

after the election is over. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: yeah! whoo! you gonna sue the women who accused you of sexual assault? what are you going to sue them for? making you seem slightly more of a scumbag than we already thought you were? ( applause ) these liars who painted me as a man who assaults women, which i am not, unless billy bush wants me to be, yeah, talk about not being able to say no, am i right, folks? am i right? is it any surprise that pearnl lawsuit is a part of -- a personal lawsuit is part of trump's plan because a lot of people said he has no experience in the executive branch and they're right, but i will give him, this he has a ton of experience with the judicial bran. >> a group ofo lawyers at the american bar association ordered study on his lawsuits. the report won't be published because the association fears it would be sued by trump.

>> trevor: that's right. take a second to absorb this. a group of lawyers won't publish a report on how trump often sues because they are afraid he might sue them. you do realize i cannot make a joke about that because that would the joke i would make. i would end the joke by saying that's like lawyers being afraid of somebody suing them! that's why i can't wait for this election to end. donald trump lives the jokes we're trying to create! ( laughter ) clearly, the lawyers think donald trump is a libel bully, and i honestly don't know what could have given them that impression. >> i'll probably sue rosy. >> let's start with bill maher. >> i'll sue him. >> he's threatening to sue the golf club growth. >> he heard him talk about suing the "new york times." >> univision, i'm going to have

to sue univision. >> trevor: i don't have a choice! i could walk away, but i don't have another choice. trump sues so many people he probably has platinum medallion status at the courthouse. a special lounge he waits in, he gets group a walk into the court first. hot towels, but he never uses them because they'll wipe off his tan. how did donald trump get this way? i bet when he was a child he would fall down and go, ow! i have a boo-boo! boo-boo due to the negligence of this sidewalk. and his mom would be, it's okay, donnie, we're going to sue them! and he's, like, yeah! the upside, if he becomes president, there is a possibility he won't be waging wars all over the world. he'll be waging lawsuits. i bet he'll be drowning people with subpoenas all over the globe. in syria, an entire hospital was sued including several babies.

get down! it's a cease and desist! ( laughter ) with all the american tv ads that encourage lawsuits, it's no surprise donald trump is litigious, especially considering some of the ads you see on tv are made just for him. >> are you a presidential candidate for the republican party is this is your name donald j. trump? are people saying unkind things about you? then the law firm of klepper & sons is ready to fight for you. we represent all types of clients from donald trump to, that's it. we get results defending against baseless charges such as facts, logic, very not nice reporting, ma lyricsly true information, dates of things you said, vicious lies you will expose but not right now and women attacking your hands with their vaginas. so call us today at 1-800-just-for-trump. no habla español, not that it

doesn't matter because i don't have any sons. >> trevor: jordan klepper, we'll be right back! you work at ge? yeah, i do. you guys are working on some pretty big stuff over there, right? like a new language for crazy-big, world-changing machines. well, not me specifically. i work on the industrial side. so i build the world-changing machines. i get it. you can't talk because it's super high-level. no, i actually do build the machines. blink if what you're doing involves encrypted data transfer. wait, what? wowwww... wow? what wow? there is no wow. hey nicki, what are you doing here? you tell me, steven. what, i'm snappin' you've been streaming my videos all morning now you're with this thing? no, it's not you, it's verizon, they limit my data. i had to choose! c'mon girl, let's get us a man with unlimited data. why pay more for data limits? introducing t-mobile one. unlimited data for everyone.

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(woman vo) great adventures are still out there. we'll find them in our subaru outback. (avo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is cnn's chief political correspondent and the network's lead reporter covering republican presidential nominee donald trump. please welcome dana bash! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> it's so good to be here. >> trevor: thank you very much for being here. it's an honor to meet you. we watch you all the time, and the fact that you can keep a straight face -- >> right now? >> trevor: -- when you are reporting some of these stories. no, now you can say whatever you wanted the say now. >> i still need to work tomorrow, so i'm going to be real careful. ( laughter ) >> trevor: let's talk about that. you have been with cnn for 23 years. >> i have ( applause )

>> trevor: you have been doing an amazing job, working, covering everything from congress -- this is your sixth presidential race you're covering. is this the craziest thing you've ever seen? >> yes. ( laughter ) i mean, there is this and this is everything else on the planet ever. >> trevor: yes. >> no question. >> trevor: there must be a point when you're covering this and looking at this as a journalist, and at some point do you not go, there is too much? there is no story that builds or unfolds. it just comes, it's done and you have to move on. >> really, every single day you think, okay, this is going to be the craziest thing i'm talking about. i'm going to find another word for stunning, unbelievable and unprecedented. i try to find them but it doesn't happen. one example, during the primaries, donald trump was on the stage going at it with marco rubio, and it was at the time when they were talking about the size of his -- hands. >> trevor: oh, yeah, hands, but you know what --

>> yes, hands. >> trevor: okay, hands. >> so he comes out to the spin room, and i'm doing a live interview with him with melania standing next to him. i said, i can't believe i'm saying this to you out loud on live tv but i think you were the first person in the history of debates in any country on the planet to talk about the size of your -- hands. >> trevor: yes. >> to which he continued to talk about how his hands are just fine. >> trevor: that's a point for him. put your hand up. put your hand up. ( laughter ) >> and because his wife was standing there, i felt compelled as a journalist to get a fact check. ( laughter ) i didn't have a choice! but my question was simply, and what did you think of that? and her response was, it was a great moment. ( laughter ) and that was the high light of my political career. >> trevor: i feel like that's

tribute. >> it's journalism. >> trevor: when you look at how you have been covering the stories and the evolution of the race. two things interest me particularly in trump's world, one, how you get treated as a journalist on the campaign trail. when you are standing -- we always watch that at home. trump goes, look at these people, folks, look at them at the back, they're liars, cheats. >> scum bags. >> trevor: they're scum bags, look at them, folks! that's you they're looking at. what are these people saying, can i have your autograph? >> yeah, can i have a selfie. yeah. no, in all honesty, in the beginning of the campaign, there was a lot of thank you for your coverage, your coverage is fair, thank you, thank you, thank you. but then the more the candidate started to egg on the crowd, the less we felt that, and there is nothing as jarring as being in the pen because the press has to be in a pen at these rallies for security and for other reasons. and there are thous