ugh-ugh, ugh... - janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [gunshots] - oh, kill me! kill me! - m'kay, that's one more vote for turd sandwich. - so who won, mr. mackey? - it's pretty close, but it looks like giant douche is gonna win! - oh, no, no! - ha, you lose, fat ass! - hey, wait a minute! look! - stan! - stan, you came back, does that mean... you learned the importance of voting? - i learned that i'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice i'll have. - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - he's going to vote! - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪ ♪ let's make our voices heard ♪

♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪ ♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ ♪ a big fat turd or a stupid douche ♪ ♪ which do you like best? - stan's vote brings the total votes for turd sandwich to 36! and giant douche has 1,410. giant douche still wins! [all cheering] [all groaning] - dude, so my vote didn't even really matter! - hey! that's not true, stan. - you can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won. - your vote still mattered. - hey, everybody! they just found all the peta members murdered at their compound! [all gasping] - what? they're all dead? that means-- - that we can go back to being the south park cows! [all cheering] - now your vote didn't matter. - ♪ let's get out and vote ♪

♪ let's make our voices heard ♪ ♪ we've been given the right to choose ♪ ♪ between a douche and a turd ♪ ♪ it's democracy in action ♪ ♪ put your freedom to the test ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and captioning sponsored by comedy central applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, thank you so much, ever everyone, i'm trevor noahment my guest tonight, a pry winning journalist jonathan capehart is joining us, everybody. and now he's here to talk about the election, and i know you,

like me, are anxious and freaking out about tomorrow. but let's start with something more positive. a little more positive, congratulations to everyone who ran the new york city marathon this weekend. congratulations! well done, well done to all of you! the new york marathon is one of my favorite days of the year. because it's the only time you can have a bunch of black people being chased down the street by the police, and instead of tragedy, it ends with them receiving a medal. and the white people are cheering like run faster, black guy, run faster. we're all together! i love it so much. i love it. and i know a lot of are you wondering, trevor, did you run the marathon? i mean you are african. no, i did not. that is racist. i actually spent the day worshiping this bottle that fell from the sky. that's what i did. now even though the marathon was supposed to be an escape from this madness, and all the madness from the election, really, i couldn't help

considering the parallels. just think about it. both candidates are like what you see in the marathon. hillary clinton, she's been running forever. struggling to the very end, but fiercely determined to cross that finish line. and donald trump, he's the porta potty on the side of the road that's full of [bleep]. and yet show still people are like, you know what i like about the porta potty, it smells like it is, yeah! but now whether you were watching the marathon or not, i really hope you got wasted and had an insane weekend because you realize this could be the our final weekend of our lives. you realize this is it. you guys realize that this it is it. by this time tomorrow one of these candidates will be america's next president. and the other will be threatening to sue reality. i will tell you, folks, reality is crooked. and i will see you-- shall i will sue it in imaginary court, folks. there is one person who i know had a great weekend.

and that's hillary clinton. >> breaking news on the eve of this election, the new fbi bombshell. >> a week after shaking up the race fbi director james comey said the recent review that newly discovered emails related to clinton uncovered nothing to change his initial conclusion. >> this time deciding that those hillary clinton emails on anthony weiner's laptop were either all duplicates or not related to government business. >> trevor: are you whreep [bleep] me? 11 days before the election, 11 days before the election comey and the pbi derailed the entire thing and it turns out it was all for nothing? nothing? you realize in the last nine days millions of americans voted, thinking that hillary might still be indicted by the fbi. yeah, even bill clinton was like, you know, i don't know, you just can't trust these clintons. i don't know, i love you, baby, but you heard what he said. and now they say there was nothing? it's almost like you have been planning the wedding of your

dreams and then the week before the wedding, the bestman says yo, bro, i found some messages, your fiance might be cheating on you, and a few days later he is like bro, you know those messages, nothing there. and now america's like what? what are you talking about? i [bleep] someone else! i [bleep]-- i [bleep] some random dude with an orange bush. what have you done! what have you done! (laughter) so this is good flus for hillary but as you might expect, trump is not happy with the idea of a woman getting off. >> they're totally rigged system. have i been saying that for a long time. you can't review 650,000 new emails in a eight days, you can't do it, folks. >> trevor: you know what, i will say this. donald trump has a point it is humanly impossible to review 650,000 emails in eight days. there are so many words. you would need like a super

smart robot brain that could like read and compute the contents of messages, like that's like something out of science fiction or something. like i don't even know what you would need to do-- hold on, let me just see. siri, what machine would i need to quickly process a lot of information. >> i think i get the joke now, trevor, you can move on. >> trevor: it almost makes me wonder if trump is constantly baffled by technology in every day life, you know. does he not understand technology? are his aides coming up like mr. trump, your grandkids are facetiming. and he is like what's going on, how did my grandkids get inside the phone. >> no, sir, it's just a video-- don't worry little teddy. i'm going to get you out of the phone! oh and by the way, while you are in there don't look at the pictures, it's for big people only. who is this man? who is-- and by the way, by the way, what did is he doing with

that cat, trump looks less like an a candidate and more like he is going into the world series of poker. what the hell is he doing. you can't see his face. you know in movies you can always tell the evil guy because his face is schrowded in the shadow. every time we went to the movie we were going its owe obviously him, it's obviously him. and right now aliens are watching us and going, it's sob veesly him, it's obviously him. i will say this, though. for a government agency, the fbi did really quick work. if fact, we all learned something this weekend. if you want the government to do anything faster, just put some hillary emails in it. yeah. waiting forever on your irs refund? just claim hillary's emails as a de-- depend ent. slow line at the dmv, just be like i need my license to drive hillary's emails to court. hell, if only tupac had sent an email to hillary just before he got shot, the fbi would have known without did it by now.

and my plan is to write you back. speaking of hillary and rappers. this weekend she was rolling deep. >> hillary clinton alongside jay-z and beyonce on friday. >> i want pie daughter to grow up seeing a woman lead our country. and know that her possibilities are limitless. that is why i am with her. >> without further ado, i would like to introduce to you the next president of the united states, hillary clinton! (cheers and applause) (laughter). >> trevor: one sound that does not go with hillary clinton, it's its hip-hop horn. pew pew pew pew. that is the coolest thing hillary has ever been a part of. if hillary wins, i actually hope jay-z is there for her state of

the union address, like him coming up, hey,io, congress, give it up for the president clinton, baby! pew pew pew pew. yeah. it's your boy. by the way, by the way, this wasn't one of those boring celebrity appearances where they just ask people to vote. please vote, please vote. no, no, no. this was a full on concert. i used to dance to mieblg, i used to dance to high school. ♪ ♪ >> trevor: can we be real for a second. that is america's actual first female ruler, let's be honest. that is her. that's her. that was so much fun this weekend. the whole thing was so much fun. unless, unless your name is donald j. trump. >> she got jay-z, and beyonce,

and the language they used was so bad. the language. the language is so bad. >> and as they were singing, singing, right, singing? talking, was it talking or singing, i don't know. >> trevor: wait, wait, i'm sorry, how do you not know what rap is. you donald trump, you are a rapper. your lines are basically bling, pussy and get foog beefs. you are a rapper! that's all it is. bling, pussy and getting too beefs. and then eventually bankruptcy. get the [bleep] out of here, man. is it singing or talking or singing? he serious m.c. ginger over here trying to pretend he doesn't know rap. is he doing it just so he can

appeal to his old white fans. at his rally his superstar friend ted nugent was doing this i got your blue state right here, baby! black and blue. >> trevor: black and blue? dude, i don't think you're having sex right. i be like that started off as an insult and then ended as a cry for help. i got your blue state right here, baby. black and blue. and it burns when i pee. is there a doctor in the house, baby? i'll even take a nurse practitioner, whooo! so just to recap, it's the last night of the campaign, the very last night, you've got two candidates. one who doesn't understand technologies, music or hats.

and the other who is not only been cleared again by the fbi, but she also gets the endorsement of beyonce. that's so amazing. and look, i know it was beyonce under that hat all along. but when i was watching i was going if hillary clinton popped up from under there, this election would be over. ♪ we'll be right back. enjoy your phone! you too. (inner monologue) all right, be cool. you got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at&t... what??.... aand you got unlimited data because you have directv??

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for us, it's rocky mountain water...n. ...or nothing. coors banquet. that's how it's done. >> we spent a lot of time writing jokes on the show, thinking of the funniest way to share the news and talk, but

honestly, for this segment i just wanted to be straight up. i see people online, i see people on tv, i hear people in the street talking about how they don't feel like they want to vote. and i understand that. it's not always exciting to vote. you know, some people go hey, there is no need to vote, hillary's up in the polls. now if you are one of those people, i would consider you, i would ask you to-- i would urge you to reconsider. because hillary was up in michigan during the primaries. she had a 99% chance of winning, 20 points up. bernie sanders went on to win that. that was great because its with a mistake that benefited bernie sanders. and if you ever want a mistake, you want it to benefit bernie sanders, you know, that is the kind of place you want to be. but that was 20 points. hillary is only up in some polls by two, you realize that's less than a field goal in american football. if you were up by three in a game, you wouldn't be like well, we got it, folks. i think we can rest.

you can't rest. this is not one of the times to rest. and the most important reason i say that to you is because the people on donald trump's side are really, really enthusiastic voters. he has the kkk voting for him, like if ever theres with a reason to vote, it's because on the other side the kkk sees an opportunity to come back into the mainstream. that is the scarest [bleep] i have ever come across in my life. they're parading in public. they're considering just making one big hole now. that's how confident they are. like i don't understand when people say like, i don't know, man, i don't care, i don't know if i want to go out, they are definitely going to go out. the kkk, there is no k in exrais complacent, my friend, they are going out there, these are the same people who make crosses to make their point, do you understand? you can't order a cross on amazon. these people are out there and they are like oh, we're going to make that. we're going to make that, burn it it down and wear white at the

same time. that is very, very confident, and i urge you to be as confident. get out there and vote. you aren't one of those people sitting at home going it doesn't matter, what am i going to do, it is the establishment, the establishment is something we've seen before. even if hillary is a bad president, america has had bad presidents. you can impeach a bads president, you can vote out a bad president. you have never had a donald trump. nobody has had a donald trump. no one even knows what that thing is. people go he's an outsider. is he not an establishment. yeah, he's not a part of the human race establishment. we don't know what that is. and so i urge you to go out and vote. you don't want to be in a situation where you lose your democracy before you appreciate it it. and if are you not sure where to vote or whether you need, you know, i.d., text hello to 384387 or you can dm, use twitter@gov, if you need help getting to the polls, uber, lyft, zip car are

offering discounts in ski ties. if you run into any problems at the poll, anybody tries to stop you from voting, call 866 our vote, you can get help immediately. one of my favorite ideas personally is coming from the skim, all you have to do is join them and they've got a buddy system where you team up with a friend or a coworker or anyone, really, and you promise them that you are going to vote and then you hold them accountable. it's like going to the gym, except with this thing you got to do it. you can't skip it it and then vote twice the next day to make up. it doesn't work like that. so i urge you, it it doesn't matter what your choice is, doesn't matter what you think, go out and vote. no excuses, go vote. we'll be right back. (applause)

>> i'm going to bomb the [bleep] out of them. >> teu? to its roots.

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was' going on? >> oh, you know. same old same old. >> trevor: same old same old. nothing happening you know, i figured i would just stay in the city an extra day. >> trevor: just to see. >> get back home tomorrow. >> trevor: i hear you, i hear you. >> probably should be in the office. >> trevor: well welcome to the show. >> thank you very much, great to be here. >> trevor: before we get started. you know i love your writing and your point of view but you are honestly one of the most dapper dressed journalists i have ever come across. i always admire this man. >> thank you, thanks very much. >> trevor: but we are not here to talk about your dress sense. we're here to talk about the upcoming presidential election. >> uh-huh. >> trevor: are you as afraid as many of the people in this audience? >> look, i am cautiously optimistic, as an opinion writer i get to say what i think and who i think should be president of the united states and i think hillary clinton should be president of the united states. (cheers and applause) that being said, i am cautiously optimistic that she will be able

to pull this off. >> trevor: if you look at the numbers, especially in terms of the electoral map, swi a very strange thing for me to try and understand. >> right. >> trevor: you may have a position where if the wrong states go the right way for trump, he actually comes out extremely close or even on top. >> right. >> so one of those states that republicans always think they can win but they never do is pennsylvania. >> trevor: yes. >> donald trump is one of those people who is saying we could take pennsylvania, if you take pennsylvania, he's won. cuz that's part of hillary clinton's fire wall. now on my podcast capeup i interviewed the heads of the center for politics at the university of virginia. and i asked him, if a particular state goes for trump, which state is it that tells you that he won. he said pennsylvania, i said now for clinton, which state would that be and he said florida. think about this, republicans, you would assume, are voting for the republican candidate for president. >> yes.

>> but because there are so many republicans who find donald trump just abhorrent. >> trevor: why? (laughter) carry on. >> that a lot of those republican votes could be going to hillary clinton. >> trevor: you should have seen your face. >> i know, i was like-- what? >> trevor: let's talk about north carolina for a second. >> yes. >> trevor: that is honestly one of the most frightening things to see. normally you would hope that an election would be won, you would hope that people would try and win it, a political party would say we have motivated americans to vote for us. and yet it seems like in north carolina especially republicans are touting the oppression of the black vote as a victory. how do you see that? you are an expert in that field. you have been writing about it, are you in it. how does that make you feel? >> it makes me feel horrible, just as an african-american and as an american. i mean people fought and died for the right to vote and particularly in the south. and so when you have elected, city elected officials, state

elected officials bragging about its fact that they are keeping people from exercising the franchise, exercising their hard fought right to vote, it's disgusting. >> trevor: there is concern that many black voters don't find hillary appealing. what do you chalk that up to? >> i think it's several things. one, there are a lot of millenial voters, african-american and nonafrican-american who are just tired. they are tired of the status quo. they're not so certain about her. they have heard some things about what happened in the '90s, that she was on the wrong side of, and so they don't trust her. the other thing you have going on is the fact that, well it's not barack obama it is understandable that the level of enthusiasm among african-americans would be less for her than it was. >> trevor: for him. >> than it is for him. is and so what he is trying to do and has been trying to do is say look, you don't have to-- you don't have to like her, but if you care about me, if you care about us, if you care about

everything that we have done, then vote for her. cuz that other guy, he is bananas. i mean i love, what i love with the president, when he keeps going, he goes come on, man! >> trevor: have you seen him say that. >> it's fantastic. >> trevor: the best moment. >> come on, man. >> trevor: that guy, come on. we got to get down to business. so if i understand what you are saying, what you are saying is voters are saying we've had barack and essentially with hillary, they are discovering that once you go black-- (laughter). >> trevor: it is very difficult to go elsewhere. >> yeah t is very difficult to go elsewhere. and you would prefer that-- he would prefer that you stay black. >> trevor: i think there is a quicker way we could have said that. >> i know. >> trevor: jonathan, thank you very much for being here. >> thank you. >> trevor: check out jonathan's podcast cape up, on i teuns, jonathan capehart. we'll be right

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