[tears] [screaming in pain] [scream echoing] - boys, as president of the united states, i want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising. - don't touch me. - well, cartman, the south lost. that means you're our slave for a month. - damn it! damn it! i was so close. damn it! - now, the first thing i want you to do for us is-- - wait a minute. i don't have to be your slave. - what? - the north still won the civil war. that means slavery is abolished! - he's right, boys. slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the north winning the civil war. - aw! - [mocking laughter] - aw, to hell with it. let's just go home. thanks a lot, bill clinton. - yeah, thanks, dick.

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, thank you so much for tuning in. welcome to the daily show, and to the first day of the rest of your lives. i'm trevor noah. tonight's guest, buzzfeed's d.c. bureau chief john stanton is joining us, here to discuss the 18 cat photo-- the eightteen cat photos that will make you forget the election. let's get right into it. if this morning you woke up from a coma, you might want to go back. >> the most stunning upset, trump. >> donald trump will be the next

president of the united states. (laughter). >> trevor: you know what, no matter how many times i hear that, it still doesn't seem real. it still doesn't feel real. i mean look at-- the newspaper, today. look at that. look at that. it looks-- he can't hear you, it's a newspaper, it doesn't matter. like, it looks like a joke from april fools, you know, even then people are like that's not a funny joke, man. this entire result is sort of like trump's hair. i know it's real, but my mind can't accept it. it just-- you know, because it looks like he's wearing his hair backwards. like everything, everything is backward. i mean i don't understand half of this. hillary clinton lost by getting more votes, no, seriously. she lost by getting more votes. trump got 200,000 fewer votes, but he won the presidency

because he had 279 electoral votes. >> because that's how it works in america. you don't need the most sloats, you just need the electoral college. so once again, donald trump benefits from a bull [bleep] college. and by the way, and by the way, i'm not saying it's bull [bleep] because i'm sour or anything, i'm just quoting the president-- sorry, the president-elect, who said it himself, yeah, there you have it. donald trump calling it corrupt. we just did it, we went through his tweets, that is what happens when you dpet a new job, people will dig through your tweets. i genuinely cannot believe this has happened. even the trumps can't believe that this happened. this was them last night, watching the results. look at those faces. look at his face. look at that man. that is the face of a man whose bluff has been called and he's only holding a two. and now that face will be the face that represents america to the world. that is the face that will address the nation after a tragedy.

that is a face that will command the most powerful military in the world. washington, lincoln, roosevelt, kennedy, reagan, obama, and now trump. one of these things is not like the other. and if you are thinking it's obama because he's black, you probably voted for trump. donald trump, however, did give a victory speech last night and like most terrible things in rur life t happened at 3 a.m. on the streets of new york. >> i just received a call from secretary clinton. and i congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard fought campaign. hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time. and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. i mean that very sincerely. >> trevor: oh, say what you

want about trump, he's reading has really improved. (laughter) yeah, most presidential. and i'm going to be honest right now, i was genuinely surprised by the tone of this entire speech. trump was gracious, he was humble, he was compassionate. i will tell you now, if that guy ran for president, he also would have lost to donald trump. with how vitriolic this election has been and how much trash trump has talked, i was genuinely accepting his speech to sound more like this. >> nah nah nah nah nah. how waw like to suck my butt. >> trevor: that's what i was waiting for. that is what i was waiting for. but i was honestly surprised. done alt trump came out and he was really great. i think what we need to do now is try and look on the bright side. sinsz trump won the election, no one can deny that he has been a phenomenal president-elect. right? he's been a great 19 hours. in fact, i say we use this

opportunity to start over with trump. we should try. let's wipe the slate clean and start with zero days that president trump has gone without an incident. and now one day without an incident. huh? huh? one day! yay! one day, people. now it's only 1,459 days to go. but look, even though so much of yesterday felt like bad news, it wasn't a total buzz kill. >> marijuana was a big winner last night. >> massachusetts approved measures to legalize recreational pot. >> four states did pass laws that let adults smoke marijuana for fun. >> trevor: oh my god, people are smoking marijuana for fun. (laughter). >> trevor: for fun, as opposed to people without smoke it for work, for fun. you know, real quick, can i just say right now, america is the most gangsta country in the

world. you know how weird it is to me that while you are voting for president, there is a question on the ballot about weed. this is like someone in there, yes, i'm voting for donald trump, and also yeah, i would like some weed, i would like some weed, yes, i do. i will say, it is a great way to get young people to the polls. do that all the time, add a party question to every vote. yeah, how do you feel about brexit, and also shots? and this is one guy in america who could use a hit right now. it's soon to be former president barack obama. because you know what they say, when they go low, we get high. >> i had a chance to talk to president-elect trump last night about 3:30 in the mor congratule him on winning the election. and i had a chance to invite him to come to the white house tomorrow, to talk about making sure that there is a successful transition between our president sees. >> trevor: that's when i knew it was real. that is the moment when i was like oh, this is real.

i also think that will be the first time donald trump knows its real. to have more about experience we have experienced i am joined now by michelle wolf, everybody, michelle wolf. joining us in studio. michelle? how are you feeling right now? >> well, as my auto correct would say, duck this ducking election. i feel like i just got broken up with someone whose uglier and has a worse personality. i mean how did this happen? experienced politicians versus racist fake gynecologist. i mean wow, america, i mean i knew you were sexist, i have seen your carl's, jr. commercials, but instead of electing a woman president, we chose donald trump, who shouldn't even be president of lunch meat. i mean it's not even about not voting for hillary, it's about

people voting for donald trump. the worst thing to happen to women since yeast. >> trevor: oh, yeast, because the yeast in bread and then bread. >> no! i do not have time to explain that to you right now, trevor! (laughter) look, women make up half of this country, trevor, and now we have a leader who only sees us as ass and tits. i mean even porn hub thinks we're more than that. they highlight so many other parts of women that i didn't even realize were sexy. i mean 3 million hits for an elbow fetish, who knew. >> trevor: wait, i don't understand, the elbow, why-- oh, oh, oh, i get it i investor thought of that. men are disgusting. >> men are creeps. >> trevor: so in this election, men really screwed the woman over. >> i mean we've always known that there are some men that are against women.

but [bleep] blew my mind in this election is that 42% of women voted for trump. 42%! i mean look, i get it, i get if you don't agree with hillary's policies ou are really for some gods damn reason hung up on her emails. but you went with trump, the guy who said women without get a,-- abortions should be punished, without walks in on teen beauty queens changing, who would grab a pussy, that guy. you thought that guy was better for you than hillary. the grabber. i mean even if it's con sen eucialtion you don't grab a pussy. it is not how you handle a pussy. how are you supposed to be able to handle a country! if you can't handle a pussy! it's not hard. you learn it in like middle school. i don't get it. i don't get it and some of those women didn't want hillary to become president because she is a woman. that is right, women can be

misogynists too, just proving that women can do anything that men can do, except be president! and you want to know the saddest thing i've heard all day? >> to all the little girls who are watching this, never doubt that you are valuable, and chance and opportunity in the world to pursue and achieve your own dreams. (applause) (cheers and applause) >> the saddest thing i heard all day is that we have to be reminded of that. >> trevor: thank you, michelle, michelle wolf, michelle, michelle wolf, everyone, we'll be right

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everybody. hasan, how are you feeling right now? >> trevor, like many americans i have spent the last 12 hours refreshing the canadian immigration website which keeps crashing. so i am panicking, because melonin doesn't rub off. but look, donald trump won. we got to take the l. he spoke to people who felt ignored by washington and wanted their jobs back. and i understand. i don't quite get how you get there by electing a guy who collects bankruptcy the way michael jordan collects rings, but okay, they deserve to be heard. and last night we heard them. but i can't forget something else i heard. on december 7th, 2015, donald trump called for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. i remember that date because it is the birthday of the worst [bleep] day of my life! seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying. even if that's not why most

people voted for him, open racism should just be a deal breaker. you personally may not be a racist, sexist, xenophobe but that comes with the package. right? like if a car woman's with heated seats, you may not want them but you'll take them. >> trevor: but then if the seats go hey, don't sit on me, camel jockey. >> you should be like hey, i don't want the car. >> trevor: makes sense. >> so if you take that deal, what you are telling me is hayman, i don't hate you. i just don't care about you. >> trevor: i hear you, hasan, i hear you. but islamophobia in america is nothing new. you have encountered this many, many times since 9/11. >> have i pretended to be puerto rican a few times since 9/11. si! but it used to be when i walked on a plane, i could feel the stares and suspicion. and it sucked. but at least i knew the pesident of the united states had my back.

mostly because he's also a muslim. we can say it now, it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. he's muslim, okay. who gives a [bleep]. but now that assheel in seat 21b calling floot flight attendant to get off the plane, now that guy is the president. plus i also think he's probing the lad-- groab groping the lady sitting next to him. i don't want people thinking oh, that poor little muslim boy, that little brown boy, your life is tough. no, it's all of us. it's not just muslims or mexicans or african-americans t is all of us, whether it's your citizenship, marriage rights, freedom of speech, donald trump is going to move on them like a bitch. >> trevor: that was his line, you just quoted his line. >> yeah. >> trevor: that is what he said. you know though, that there is a chance, and i know it's weird to say this, there is a chance that maybe he'll end up being more moderate. >> oh is, xenophobia, that's cool, low calorie racism, hmmmm,

like what? this is a true story. my mom is out of the country right now, she's visiting my grandma. and she's a u.s. citizen. she has lived here 30 years. she's on the phone with me last night, and she's like hasan, i don't know if i can come back until february. am i going to be able to get back into the country? and the fact that i can't tell her yes, with 100% certainty is heartbreaking. and there are a lot of people telling me hey, man, don't worry. trump's not really going to ban all muslims. but i don't know, man, that is my mom. and i need her back home because i love her, and she owes me $300. (laughter). >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everybody, we'll be right back.

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john stanton. (applause) welcome to the show, sir. >> good to be here. >> trevor: you have quite an interesting story. i met you awhile ago. but i mean a lot of people are looking at you now, an when i say buzzfeed reporter, reporting in washington, i guess it will come as no surprise that for 20 years you are also working as a bouncer while covering with was happening in the supreme court, and in washington. >> yes. >> trevor: that is quite a flip. >> not really, actually. it does give you some useless skills. this year actually they will come in very handy am have i been hit in the head with bottles several times at trump rallies. so getting hit in the head with bottles at a punk rock show or junk jerks trying to-- . >> trevor: nice, nice, i like your bouncer skills will come in useful as a reporter. i feel like all the other reporters are like hey, you can show us a few tricks. >> yeah, yeah. >> trevor: will you let's talk about this world we are now

living in it is now officially trump's world. we are all in it. >> that is the space that we are in, trump is preparing his cabinets. he's-- there ray few names floating about. what are the scariest and maybe the, if there are, some of the more exciting things to look forward to in the first hundred days of donald trump? >> well, i think one of the things that i'm going to be watching for is what he does with the repeal of obamacare. i think it is a fore gone conclusion that they're going to do it. the problem with him is that he has no sort of self-discipline or self-control and he absolutely is not a patient human being. >> trevor: yeah. >> and the senate they can filibuster a bill, which means they can basically stop it if the democrats want to, they have enough to do that. he will, i think it's more than likely try to force the senate republicans, the senate majoritiy leader mitch mcconnell to repeal the filibuster. which would be an extraordinary thing to do it is a check on the passions of the chamber and it ep coos them from doing things with haste, right. and really think about what they are doing.

getting rid of that would make it possible to repeal obamacare, make it possible to do pretty much anything he wants to. >> trevor: how much damage could realistically be done. let's say you repeal the filibuster and now there is no balance and check as you say, in place. and now how much damage can you do in terms of passing laws? >> i mean any laws you can think of that he may want to do codo easily. especially given the fact that the republicans have made it pretty clear that ther real estate going to just give in to him. they've all become very, almost overly polite. they look almost like gollu m, crawling towards. >> trevor: he has the ring. >> he does have the ring. >> trevor: he has the ring. >> yes, he does. >> trevor: it's funny that you say that. let's talk about that for a moment. i struggle with this. because i go republican, people go oh, the republicans won. and i argue, no, the republicans didn't win. donald trump won. donald trump beat the democrats and donald trump beat the republicans. >> yeah. >> trevor: there is a difference there. because now they are at his beck and call. yes, they control the senate and the house but now you have the situation where they are at his

beck and call. do they stand up to him or do they bow? >> no, yeah, that's absolutely right. senator-- i was in missouri yesterday for the election, and everybody including people working on his campaign assumed he was going to lose. hours after the polls closed. and it wasn't only until we realized that trump was minuting missouri, because he was winning it, that we saw that roy blunt was going to be brought back to the senate. the only reason mitch mcconnell will be running the senate is because of donald trump. and donald trump is going to use that power over him and other paul ryan and every other member of the republican party at any moment. and you know, he's made it very clear, he's used t he bludgeoned people in public. he's not the kind of person that is going to be afraid to beat up on them and try to run them out of office if they don't do what he wants. >> trevor: so now donald trump comes in, he takes office. he has his first hundred days. everyone is looking to that. he has laid out his plan. which of those plans do you think are actually realistic.

which of those plans do you think he will set out to achieve as soons he can? >> i think he will start the process of supreme court nomination. because merrick gar did land is off the table at this point. i think will start the process of repealing obamacare. will begin the process of trying to get rid of nafta. i wouldn't be surprised if he starts putting noo place some sort of mechanism to build a wall in mexico, even if it is a fansful thing that like will go on forever, sort of like ronald reagan's "star wars" program. it will be like, you know, the wall version of it. >> trevor: him picking out bricks every day. just like him choosing, we have chosen tera cotta folks, things are going well. like, you know, like a slow process of building-- it's ridiculous that we are even having this conversation. but you know, hopefully your reporting is going to ep ka us nferred. i will ask you that, before i let you go. as a reporter, are you a little bit worried? because donald trump in the

middle of the campaign said we need to change the libel laws, folks. we need to reign in the media. you are in the media. you are reporting. donald trump has the house and the senate. when people stand up to donald trump, when he's now challenging the first amendment, what happens there? >> i don't noavment i don't know. i think there are a lot of us very concerned that he ask going to start trying to put us in jail. that he will start limiting our access. we were one the first outlets that were banned by his campaign. and we were a giant pain in his ass because of that for a long time. they eventually let us back in. it appears right now they are not going to be going down that road but he has sort of understood it is a bit of a bridge too far. >> trevor: that is if you write something about him. >> when he's president t is unclear what is going to happen, whether or not he will try to take peun tiff mesh usuals against any of us or all of us. and that is a big concern for i think most reporters. and if it's not, they're fooling themselves if they think that show they are protected because, you know, they have a

relationship where him. >> trevor: wow, it's a scary place to be in. at least you can handle the bottles. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you so much, john stanton, everybody, we'll be right back. thank you so much. to its roots. brewed only in golden, colorado... ...and nowhere else. ever. coors banquet. that's how it's done.

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now that's progressive. our show, stay tuned forrate midnight. coming up next, how here it is, your moment of zen. >> what we find is about 50% of this country, 60 pergs of this country believe this country