listen, i have to go to this duel with aaron burr, but i want you to know that i'm a good christian. i'm not gonna fire on him. i'm gonna waste my shot in the air. i never meant to kill burr, and if burr killed me, he's the asshole. [laughs] and so history's eyes turn on burr. whether hamilton lived or died, he won the duel. and so, hamilton wins. he wins in a, "200 years later, they're writing musicals where i'm a martyr" type way. and so burr's the monster. and what's ironic about that is burr was never the monster. - never. - burr was the cautious mother[bleep] who never let his opinion be known. and hamilton was the reckless mother[bleep] who let his opinion be known about everything. and in the one moment where it counted most, hamilton was cautious and burr was reckless. oh. and that defined their legacies forever.

it's [bleep] up. - it's really [bleep] up. mm-hmm. - um-- [laughs] right-- [chuckles] - ready-- - so what do i have to do to get a part in this movie? [laughs] - you already got it. ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪

>> trevor: thank you so much, evened! and thank you for tuning in! welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. my gist tonight the host of "chelsea" on netflix, chelsea handler is joining us! ( cheers and applause ) couldn't be more excited. let's start in india where the craziest thing is going on. a few weeks ago the government suddenly told people nearly all the cash in circulation had to be replaced. the money in everyone's pockets is basically going to be worstless as a hillary inauguration ticket. ( laughter ) like many of you didn't like that joke, the people in india are not happy. >> in india the government plan to tackle corruption is backfiring and plunged the country into economic chaos. >> began tuesday when the india prime minister made a prime time announcement. 50,000 notes would be discontinued, the reason a crack

down on counterfeiters. long queues of men and women lined up to replace old money with new. >> trevor: looks like the t.s.a. line at j.f.k. look as at that. you know all of them are randomly searched. you can see that's happening. this is crazy what's happening in i didn'in india. people have to give it away. it will be the first time in history where strippers are giving back the money. no, you take it, you, you! ( laughter ) with this huge crisis going on, you would think the india government would stop everything to deal with it. but before there was apparently one much more important issue that they had to take care of first. >> india's supreme court ruled that the national anthem must be played in every cinema across the country before a film is screened. >> the judges say this is to instill a sense of committed nationalism, of patriotism, which the judges believe is

absent from ippeddia today. >> trevor: so the new law in india is they have to play the national anthem before every movie. it won't be that hard to adjust because conveniently the india national anthem is actually "let's all go to the lobby..." "let's all go to the lobby..." ( laughter ) but what makes this serious is that the law also says audiences must stand whenever the i anthm is played, awkward during any erotic films. raise for the national anthem. no, i'd rather sit, thank you. ( laughter ) they're going to have to sell math textbooks at the concession stand to get people off it. but actually there is a part of the indian law i think should be brought to america. the law also says the national anthem cannot be used for commercial exploitation which i am all for. for me it's crazy to hear people in the u.s. go wild -- you can't kneel during the anthem!

this is not time for that! stand up, put your hand over your heart, show respect! commercial break. (humming anthem) buy your used cars now! (humming anthem) yeah! ( cheers and applause ) i'm just saying... and i just want to know how far this national anthem thing goes in india. first, they make you hear it before every movie, then before you check out at the grocery store, then before every performance of the national anthem there will be another national anthem, or you will call for emergency assistance and you will be, like, help, my house is on fire! the guy will be, like, i can dispatch your fire unit shortly but first -- (humming anthem). ( laughter ) all right, moving on from indians to people mistaken for indians which is a lesson for everybody. if someone gets your name wrong, you correct that (bleep) right away because otherwise it can

get dire fast. native americans are super friendly. he says, actually, i'm not indian but i don't want to embarrass him in front of his ships. what's the worst that can happen? this year, native americans have been protesting against the dakota access pipeline which you may have spotted online, your facebook or woke jeopardy. the way native americans are being screwed over for 100 years -- what is the dakota access pipeline! the completion of an interstate oil pipeline is protested that is to be put under their land. one, their land is sacred and, two, they are worried about the pipe leaking and contaminating the missouri river, their main water source. another reason, it's highly

disrespectful to lay pipe in someone else's yard. ( laughter ) in clashes with police and private security, the protesters endured dog attacks, tear gas, water cannons and jill stein. pipeline is much safe than trucks or rail and more efficient than the method from the '80s, commonly by fanny pack. ( laughter ) once you hear from the head of the pipeline, you have no concerns whatsoever. >> this thick wall steel pipe is buried at, let's say, about four feet underground. absent human error, and what i mean by that is absent someone digging into the pipeline, which does occur, even toe there are signs that will be everywhere that say before digging please call this number, people still do those things from time to time and so most leaks are caused by human error. but our pipeline is very safe. >> trevor: good news. we only have to worry about humans not making mistakes.

yeah, i like those odds. those odds, (bleep) mistakes. so the oil pipeline is super safe. people need to stop stressing. it's safe. it's one to have the safest ways to transport owl. stop stressing out. the only question i have is if it's super, super, super safe, then how do you explain this? >> the pipeline's original path crossed the missouri river just north of bismarck, a city that is 90% white. but when kerns were raised about a potential oil spill there, the pipeline was rerouted to go under the river right next to the standing rock reservation. >> trevor: this is pipeline is n-s-f-w, not safe for whites. ( laughter ) i joke but i don't think it's racial. it's a numbers thing. more people live near bismarck. if the pipeline is rooted there, it would have passed closer to more homes and needed to cross

water sources more times. because we love fossil fuels, the fact is the pipe has to go somewhere. what are we just going to do? not use oil? come on, that's just -- possible. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't want to be unfair, but it's just interesting to me that the people with the longest history of getting (bleep) over in america are the ones who are getting (bleep) over. like, this is the conversation. the conversation seems to go, the pipeline is completely safe. well, then why diddent you build it under the white people's houses? well, because it might leak. so it's not safe, just safe enough for the native americans. no, it's not a race thing. if the pipe leaks, there is fewer of them than us. and why are there fewer of them? ( applause )

look, america has spent centuries moving native people's from place to place. maybe just this one time you can be the one to move. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this year at t-mobile, the holidays are on us! switch your family of four to t-mobile, get unlimited everything, and we'll give you $800. that's right! $800 to spend anywhere you want.

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"the daily show"! it's now almost a month since the election day, and it's becoming more and more clear that this is real, and we're not trapped in a matrix-like

experiment to see how humans survive a trump presidency. ( laughter ) but if we are, morphous, i'm ready! i'm ready to leave, morphous! i want the red pill! ( laughter ) so as the president-elect continues to fill out his cabinet, let's meet another of his key picks in tonight's installment of "profiles in tremendousness." >> i have the most dedicated people. i know the best people. we're going to use the best people. i have the smartest people in the world. i know guys that are so good. >> trevor: so good -- ( laughter ) tonight we focus on donald trump's choice for national security advisor, a person who basically synthesizes information from the state department, the defense department and the intelligence agencies and clarifies it for the president's consumption. basically the gig is national security brita filter. disstill everything that comes through you and won't be replaced for about six years.

the man trump named to this critical post is retired general michael flynn. >> general michael flynn, a decorated combat veteran whoo rose to the top before being fired by president obama. >> he was fired from the defense intelligence agency for basically incompetence. >> on at least two occasions his handling of classified information came under scrutiny by the u.s. military. >> general flynn was known around the pentagon for what were called "flynn facts," hyperbolic statements that were not grounded in reality. >> trevor: first of all, he leaked classified information. he was also going, lock her up! that's down now. described as hyperbolic statements that were not grounded in reality. i wonder, what does donald trump see in this man? ( laughter ) now, here's some of his best

"flynn facts." shariah law is spreading in the united states, which is false. iran had killed more americans than al quaida, not even close. still, though, they're really cute "flynn facts." less reliable xenophobic snapple cap. that's what he is. my favorite, three-quarters of all new cell phones were bought by africans, which is not true. but i understand what happened here. i have to explain, general flynn and i were in a store together and he saw me buy this, and he's judging all africans because of what i did. i'm holding us back -- ( ringing ) oh, sorry. hold on. hello? hello? what? a sale on phones? all right, i'll be there in 15 minutes. all right, bye. ( laughter ) all right, where were we? general flynn. we turn to senior national security correspondent hasan

minhaj, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you. thank you, trevor. you know, this is a big job the general is filling so i was psyched to learn all sorts of "flynn facts." here's a fun one to kick us off. >> flynn routinely retweeted unfounded conspiracy theories. retweeted a tweet that read, not anymore, jews. >> trevor: not anymore, jews. the only way that's not racist is if you're the bouncer at a bar mitzvah at full capacity. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but even then it feels racist. be nice! the ant semitism isn't only the scariest part. this guy will walk through the oval office. mr. president, we know who's

behind the shooting. tupac! he's still alive! here's another flynn fact not quite so fun. >> in his book flynn writes i don't believe all cultures are morally equivalent. >> flynn's views of islam made him a lightning rod. >> islam is a political ideology. it definitely hides behind this notion of it being a religion. it's like cancer. ( audience reacts ) >> damn -- ( laughter ) i have been alive for 31 years and to one told me i had cancer? ( laughter ) >> trevor: hasan, seriously, how does it feel when this guy declares your religion is actually a political ideology? >> trevor, it's awful. you're telling me i gave up pepperoni, booze and bacon all because of politics? i thought i was getting into heaven! >> trevor: you still might, my

friend. >> no, i'm not! i have god cancer! ( laughter ) look, obviously, it's terrifying that the next president's national security guy is openly islamophobeic, fired for incompetence and gets a job. the guy keeps failing and people still give him jobs! i can say that because i am knight shamalan! (humming). >> trevor: flynn is a con spirrist and still has the country's top security job. terrible. >> (bleep) up and still getting a promotion, that's the american dream, everybody. >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) hi, i'm paul and i used to ask if you could hear me now with verizon.

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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ it's your tv, take it with you. with directv and at&t, stream live tv anywhere, data-free.

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"the daily show." tonight's guest is a comedienne and host of the new netflix show "chelsea." please welcome chelsea handler! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> hi! hello! ( cheers and applause ) hi! >> trevor: i'm so excited! >> i'm excited, too! >> trevor: can you imagine how crazy this is for me because i have been a fan of you and your shows for so long i never dreamed of a day i'd be interviewing chelsea handler. >> what did you dream about? ( laughter ) >> trevor: you were one to have the few people who had me on your show. >> he was on my show and we did a dinner party. >> trevor: back in the day, i did the panel on the -- >> oh, i didn't remember that part. ( laughter ) i was so impressed with you when i met you this last time and i read your book. still 32? >> trevor: i still am. we met a few weeks ago. >> birthdays can come up just

when you least expect them. i was so impressed with you because i thought what a responsible individual you are. you're so knowledgeable and sagacious about this whole community and politics and political theater. i was just really impressed with you. >> trevor: thank you. >> ip happy you're doing the job you're doing. >> trevor: thank you very much. >> you're doing a good service for everybody. plotz ( applause ) >> trevor: you have accomplished so much in your life. you are really one of the most successful people i know. >> and yet still remain a virgin. so thank you very much. >> trevor: that's one of your successes, chelsea. be an idiot to turn it down. ( laughter ) > you've been so many great tv shows. these of ep sews on e! and a great documentary series and standup. there are moments you remember from everyone's career and for me one of those moments with just after the election when i was watching your show and you had one of the most vulnerable

moments on the screen and it was in reaction to the election results. when you were going on screen, i mean, what was going through your head when you were going through all that? >> honestly, i got up that day and i was just -- i was so upset. it was the worst feeling i think i've ever felt. it was worst than the worst breakup i've had. all the people that work for me, many millennials, said i can't do this today, no way i can do a show, i can't get my act together, my face together, i was just, like, how am i going to get through this without crying on tv. i did cry on tv. good, i'm glad i cried. i was really upset. ( applause ) >> trevor: for chelsea handler -- a lot of people cried for different reasons. it may be hard to disstill it down to one thought, but what do you think was the biggest reason you felt the way you did after ththe election? >> i mean, there are so many

things that he did that were so upsetting but i think the time jorge ramos, remember when he stood up to ask him a question? >> trevor: yes. univision, yeah. >> he told him, sit down, sit down! and he talked to him like he was a dog. and his racism. and the thing -- this is what inspires me and also is troubling but gets me filled with conviction is i can be a voice to people that don't have a voice. i can stick up for muslims and the lgbt community and women and black people and whoever needs a (bleep) voice, i will be your voice. so that's what gets me. like, when i saw him treat somebody like that, i was, like, no, no, not while i'm in this world. there are a million of us, billions of us. we have to remember this was a very, you know, she won the popular vote. we're not alone. so don't despair as, you know, senator harris, new senator for the state of california says, don't despair, this is the time

to roll your sleeves up and ladies need to get to work. and i think there is a problem in this country not just with men and women, i think there is a problem with women and women. and we need to (bleep) address it. >> trevor: in what way? >> i don't think women support women when 40 -- i don't know what the percentage, is 48? >> trevor: i think 53% of white people voted for trump. >> 53% of white educated women -- college graduated -- or college graduates -- anyway -- >> trevor: yeah. >> white women vote for that man. >> trevor: yes. >> then we have a real problem when, i understand if you don't like hillary i totally get it, but look at what she's done. then you need to get behind that woman whether you (bleep) like her or not. you get behind somebody who's done the job versus some guy who's a self -- who -- i mean, i can't even discuss him in real terms. he's not a real person. he takes advantage of everyone around him. if women are doing that, then we

have a problem with, a, women listening to their husbands too much, so get rid of them, and, b -- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm not talking about supporting women for the sake of being a woman. >> trevor: yes, which is a conversation that's come up but i hear you. >> you can't just say, hey, you're a woman, come over here! >> trevor: especially in that tone. ( laughter ) >> when the woman that is in play is that -- >> trevor: and the most qualified. >> and the most qualified, you know, has had all these years of dedicating her life to women and children, there is something wrong with you if you don't think, oh, this is time for us to shatter this so we can move on in 20 years and then you can get the (bleep) woman you want in there! sorry. >> trevor: i'd talk to you all day but we have ad breaks and time limits. so i'd like to have you back. >> sure, always. >> trevor: "chelsea," netflix,

wednesday, thursday and friday. chelsea handler, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪