well, looks like you're gonna have to kind of start over, huh, elon? maybe you should just go back to your little cars, huh? wow, babe. looks like all our dreams are kind of on hold for a while, huh? yeah, well, some people's dreams are other people's nightmares. well, what do you mean? it was a joke. kyle: and so, life goes on. the end of civilization didn't happen. a massive electric pulse completely erased the internet. we've been given a second chance. a mulligan. anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever. maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again.

realize how careful our online lives have to be. because we've all seen what happens when the twitters, facebooks, and trolls decide our reality. now that we've been given this second chance, it's up to all of us to see what we do with it. and the first new e-mail since the internet was erased successfully went out at 6:00 a.m. today. the honor went to a mr. dave beckett of boca raton, florida. mr. beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new internet. can you tell us what you did? well, i sent an e-mail with a photo to my old friend thomas winger up in connecticut. and what did you say to mr. winger? i showed him my dick, called him a fag. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah!

( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! thank you so much for tuning in. we have two guests tonight. the first, conservative presidential candidate and former c.i.a. operative, evan mcmullin is joining us. then another one! d. jd. j. khaled is here, every! major key in the house! ( cheers and applause ) let's get straight into it. i don't know about you, but for me, every day since donald trump won has been an emotional rollercoaster. every day it ranges from, ah to ahhh! and what makes it worse than a rollercoaster is the fact this ride is going to be four years long, and the scarriest thing is we're still just waiting in the line! the ride hasn't etch started yet! and today was definitely ahhh!

>> scott pruitt, donald trump's pick for environmental protection agency administrator is a staunch climate change defire. >> donald trump expected to pick fast food c.e.o. andy poster, outspoken against regulation. >> he is against raising the federal minimum wage over $9 an hour. >> trevor: ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! ( laughter ) you know, sometimes i think trump is trolling us, people! america has a troll. it's the ultimate troll. you realize almost every single person he's picked for his cabinet wants to destroy the thing they have been put in charge of. the head of the environmental protection agency doesn't mean the believe the environment should be protected. his secretary of labor is opposed to workers rights. and for national security advisor a job all about assessing intelligence, for that job trump has chosen a man who

has repeatedly fallen for conspiracy theories and probations. it's as if when donald trump wants to hire someone he googles opposite of and hires that person. homeland security let's get bin laden in! protect gotham, the joker! communications correct, hodor! what's he saying? i don't know! secretary of energy, ben carson! ahhh! ahhh! ahhh! you know we're in trouble one one of his most sensitive hires is small business administrator, linda mcmahon. >> you read my lips -- i want a divorce! >> oh, my god! linda blocked that punch! ( cheering ) ( audience reacts ) >> you're fired!

>> oh my gosh! >> trevor: welcome to the trump administration. where change is fake and wrestling is real. moving on to the economy. as the obama administration is coming to a close, unemployment has plunged to a nearly nine-year low. when obama came to office, it was at 7.8%. now it's at 4.6%, which is really good ( applause ) but, you see, america's future is not about being good, it's about being great. ( laughter ) >> trump promised to keep carrier jobs in the u.s. >> he says carrier's going to bring back those jobs to indiana. he as president will make it happen. >> i'm going to call up carrier and i'm going to tell the head of carrier, i hope you enjoy your stay in mexico, folks, but every single unit that you make and send across our border which now will be real, you're now going to pay a 35% tax!

( cheering ) and you know what carrier's going to do? they're going to call me in 24 hours and they're going to go, mr. president, we're moving back in the united states and we're going to build in the united states. that's what's going to happen, 100% sure! >> trevor: man, say what you want about trump but he really kicks (bleep) in imaginary negotiations against himself. "then carrier's going to say they're sorry, and everyone will chat my name, and rosie o'donnell will be, like, donald rules and i drool, then the failing "new york times" will print a headline that says air-conditioner factory stays, trump keeps his school, and it will be a great pun and everyone will laugh at the pun and they'll say, great pun, donald, because they will know it was really my pun!" ( laughter ) and by the way, it's easy to see why trump wants more air-conditioning in america.

look at his face! he was sweating so much, looks like he was doing an impression of fat (bleep). he's like, what are they doing? and this is crazy, once trump won the election, he actually did it. he got on the phone, negotiated with carrier, and he made his first deal. >> the airstrike -- the air-cog giant tweeted we are pleased to reach a deal with president-elect trump and mike pence to keep close to $1,000 job in indy. >> 60% of voters say it gave hem a more favorable view of trump. >> trevor: after trump's deal, some people see him in a better light. saved 1,000 jobs and grabbed zero (bleep)? wow! maybe we should give this guy a chance! ( laughter ) but before you give him a chance, you may want to examine the carrier deal a little closer because like donald trump's

hair, there is something that's just a little off. >> if you mercally, there are some issues here. donald trump during his speech said there were about is 100 jobs saved. turns out it's more like 800 jobs saved, 300 he was referring to were never going to move in the first place. >> it's not a sustainable strategy to save 800 or 1000 jobs at a team. >> the company gets $700 million in tax breaks a year. >> my guess is some corporation who might have not thought one second about leaving america are now going to announce, hey, we're going to mexico and china, what are you going to do for us? >> trevor: bernie! bernie! ( applause ) we should have listen to you, bernie! ( crying ) every time democrats see bernie sanders, they're, like, damn, i

wonder what could have been. but he's right. it's not sustainable for the government to pay companies to keep uncompetitive jobs in the country. but now that other companies have read carrier's blackmail script they could threat ton leave and wait for the tax breaks to roll in. like the children's book, if you give a mouse a cookie he's going to want to (bleep) you in the (bleep). you have the same book, right? same book. ( laughter ) i love how donald trump made it, like, i told carrier what to do and they did it! no, no, no, that's not what happened. they threatened something, trump paid them the money and they still sent hundreds of jobs to mexico. like, trump would be the worst hostage negotiate in the world. he would be just like, come out with your hands up! free all the hostages! no? all right, you asked for it! we're sending in a million dollars and more hostages!

all right, cover me, boys, i'm going in to give him a hand job. cover me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) worst negotiate ever. there is another aspect of this deal but it has good news and bad news. the good news is carrier has agreed to invest more money into their factory. the bad news is it's going to be like "westworld." >> updating the plant will result in more automation and an important consequence. >> we're going to make a $16 million investment in that factory. >> that sounds good except they're doing it to auto mate the manufacturing process which will shed jobs. >> trevor: as bad as this is, what's made it good for trump is it gives the illusion he's doing something meaningful. that's what it's about, the show. the headlines say trump saves 1,000 jobs, which i acknowledge is something for every single person whose job was saved, i

don't deny that. but at the scale the president is supposed to work on, that's barely a drop in the bucket. it's all about the thousand jobs. what about everyone's jobs? you've got to create jobs as well. this is basically a classic con man move. a con man makes you focus on what you think you can get and distract you from everything you stand to lose. that's all it is. ( applause ) and, look, the carrier deal might have some benefits but it would be naive to ignore all of the side effects. in fact, i have a proposal, every time trump makes a promise, he should be forced to include the fine print. >> and you know what carrier's going to do? they're going to call me in 24 hours and they're going to go, mr. president, we're moving back into the united states -- >> donald trump's promises are not intended to be taken seriously. the number of jobs will be lower than promised. side effects could include massive corporate tax breaks, higher consumer costs and companies giving the jobs to

robots anyway. ask your doctor if your economy is healthy enough for trump. he would probably say, no but (bleep) him, make america great again. >> trevor: sounds good to me. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) (pained groans) just gonna need one big push.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my first guest is a former c.i.a. operative, the former house republican chief policy director and 2016 independent presidential candidate, please welcome evan mcmullin! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: thank you for being here. let's jump straight into it. real quick, for those who don't know you, i mean, you were a name and a face i wasn't familiar with during this race, and then when it got really deep into the election, all of a sudden you came out of nowhere and you said i am running, i am a conservative and i am running to oppose donald trump. >> that's right. >> trevor: why did that happen? >> well, it happened because somebody from the conservative side needed to stand up and oppose donald trump's bigotry and his threat to our system,

his threat to our democracy. it couldn't only be hillary clinton, standing up for the most fundamental ideals on which this nation was founded, number one that all men and women were created equal, and number two we have liberty and right that come from the fact we're human and not from the government or any leader. donald trump does not dictate what our rights are. our rights come with us when we arrive on earth and the government's role is to protect them. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: now, it's interesting that you use the word "dictate" because we -- ( laughter ) -- no, we made a joke on the show about trump as an african dictator, but you worked as a c.i.a. operative, which i'm assuming means spy. >> yes ( laughter ) >> trevor: which you look like jason bourne digged you out of a window somewhere ( laughter ) >> it's the hair. >> trevor: you look like you blend into a crowd and fight with jason bourne. ( laughter ) but you've worked all over the

world for the c.i.a. >> yeah. >> trevor: and what's interesting is i read your article in the "new york times" where you wrote about the fact you've seen leaders like trump all over the world. what does that mean? >> well, yes, i served all over the world, especially in south asia, the middle east and africa and i saw authoritarians and i saw how they operate and what they do. an authoritarian is uncomfortable with any threat to his or her power, and that could be the law -- for example the constitution in our case -- that could be other leaders, other branches of government, it could be cultural norms, democratic norms, it could even be the expectation of consistency or common decency, all of those things threaten, in the mind of a authoritarian, their power. what they want is for everything they say right now, their latest whim, to be supremely important. so if they undermine or destroy all of those restraints or other

sources of power, that inflates their power or grows their power at our expense. and, so, i see that in donald trump. i saw that during the campaign. i certainly see that now post election. so who knows what will come next. >> trevor: this is where i'm confused. i go, even, you are a conservative, you are running for president. i go, help me and my viewers understand the difference between principled conservative and donald trump. so i go, so with regards to, let's say, a ban open muslims, what is your view -- a ban on muslims, what is your view on that? >> it's absolutely counterproductive and runs counter to everything we should believe in in this country, our foundational principles. ivo posed that publicly over and over again is that so with regards to, let's say, climate change because the official stance of donald trump and his administration is this is, they said, a let of bunk, i believe, and it does not exist. is that a conservative

standpoint or a donald trump thing? >> well, a lot of republicans hold that view. i don't. i think the climate is changing, i think we are contributing to that and i think we need to take action in response to it. we can debate how to do that. >> trevor: yes. >> but you know what? i think there is something -- i mean, that's an an important issue, don't get pewrong, but we've got to fight for liberty and equality in this country. we can debate these things which are important, we have so many important challenges in this country, but there is a real opportunity for those of us on the right and left who are still standing for the truth that all men are created equal regardless of the color of their skin, faith, gender, those of us who are still standing for that and standing for liberty, our basic freedoms, we need to stand together now because we have a president coming into the white house who may be an authoritarian. now, let's see what happens when he actually gets there, but every datapoint we've seen so far suggests he will be an

authoritarian. let's unite. we'll have this political debase on the other issues. they're important, don't get me wrong, but this is a different kind of moment here, i fear. >> trevor: sounds like when you watch independence day and those movies and the people are like, i know we have our differences, but the aliens are coming, and right now we can all agree that the aliens will kill us all! >> i hope it's not that bad is that pretty much what it sounds like. i'd love to have you back on the show. i'm sure we won't agree on everything, but i appreciate your voice. >> likewise. >> trevor: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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join directv today starting at $35/month. no extra monthly fees. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my next guest is a recording artist, social media superstar and now a "new york times" best-selling author whose new book is called "the keys"! please welcome d. j. khaled! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> what's up? >> trevor: welcome to the show! >> man, you know, this show is hot! >> trevor: i'm such a fan of yours, man! you know watt i'm a fan of? i'm not just a fan of the music a, i'm a fan of the message. >> thank you. >> trevor: you are one of the people that is unflappable in the world of positivity and it pays off. congratulations on your new baby. >> my greatest blessing. >> trevor: congratulations, man.

congratulations on the grammy nomination ( cheers and applause ) major key, man. >> yes. >> trevor: where does that positivity come from? >> god. god is the master key. god is the greatest. we should always give thanks because we've got life. it's about embracing your blessings, man, and being grateful. >> trevor: is that what you do every day? >> every day ( laughter ) every day, i would, like, say every second, because i meditate, everyday, i give thanks. life is beautiful, man. >> trevor: i feel like everyone wants to be cynical and we live in a world where everyone is getting consumed by the grey and you've written a book and are still positive and we're going this is a book about needing to be positive all the time. >> i'm speaking facts. i'm saying, you know, why would i want to be negative? why would i want to be drained from neglectivity? there is so much negative in the

world, whistled i want to fall in the trap? i always say in the book, stay focused. to be successful and great is a process for progress, to climb that mountaintop, you've got to stay focused. >> trevor: you are out there putting your words into actions. this is a great program you're part of called "get schooled." >> "get schooled" is motivating and inspiring the young world not just to go to school but to do good in school. we did a great campaign. we did like a keys program, and, you know, i mean, it was just great to talk to the young world and inspire tell me to go to school. not just to tell them to go to school but to inspire them and let them know how great it is to go to school, how important it is. we did a campaign. i was filming and it was, like, a kid was reading a book in school and his phone rings and looks at his phone and my face pops up saying, don't play yourself. you should be reading your book!

>> trevor: but that's pretty messed up. you called them, though. >> no. >> trevor: no, that's pretty messed up. >> i ain't thinking about that. but i'm sure they made it where he called me. you know what i'm saying? ( laughter ) but that's good. you're aware. >> trevor: i'm aware, man. i'm aware of what's going on. i need your help. >> yeah. >> trevor: i'm trying to become more positive. i'm trying to think of catch phrases as well. if you don't know, you make phrase as part of life. people say, another one, and people know. what does another one mean? >> another one means another great situation. >> trevor: you appreciate it, right? you acknowledge it. >> of course. >> trevor: it's another one. when you say major key, what does that mean? >> major key, this book is major ceevment me being on the show talking positive cloth talk, that's a major key. the fans are a major key. >> trevor: i love this! i want to be positive. i have a few catch phrases i'm working on. >> yeah. let me help you out with some. >> trevor: i've got a few.

>> i've got a gift for you. >> trevor: you do? >> i just did a new deal with cocoa butter, right? ( laughter ) it's called "they block." so anytime there is negative energy around, you just put a little -- >> trevor: all right, let's rub a little on. >> and you gonna be good. >> trevor: and i rub it on? okay. all right. let's do this. so if i go, okay, i'm going to try -- >> you're unstoppable. >> trevor: i'm unstoppable. so i've got one i want to go with. this is my catch phrase. big pants. >> big pants. >> trevor: yeah, like i'm making big panels decisions. like i'm doing big pants -- ( laughter ) no? i'm doing big pants things! >> yeah, i like that. >> trevor: all right, cool. there is another one i was thinking of, would be like no more commas. >> no more commas? >> trevor: like in a sentence because commas slow a sentence down and then it's, like -- you don't want commas in your life.

>> no, i want commas in my life. >> trevor: you said nothing could stop you, khaled! >> no, i want commas. you got to be clear. >> trevor: no more punctuation commas. but that's not catchy. i've got another one. i've got another one. it says time for a second slice. >> time for a second slice. >> trevor: basically in life, you know, like sometimes after you had a big meal and then you go, ah, man, i can't eat my more food, i'm tired, i want to sleep. then you realize, no, nothing can stop me, time for a second slice! >> it's almost like another one. >> trevor: time for a second slice. that's what it is. this is magic right now. this is part of the magic! >> i'm going to be honest with you. i also have another one called we the best glow. the ladies love this because you smell so great they just come at you. >> trevor: this is part of the -- where are these bottles coming from? i don't know even