what happened? what about umbriel? well, it turns out i loved her, but i wasn't "in love" with her. trouble in bed. ah, it's great to have you back, buddy. wait, uh... this is no record. give me back that check. i'm giving it to some giant orphans. ow! bender, you're hurting me! ow! ( choking ) hey! i'm trying to sleep in here. donovan: hail, atlanta. comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much. thank you so much, everybody. thank you to you at home. welcome to "daily show." i'm trevor noah. i could not be more excited. my guest tonight a brilliant actor now starring in the new

more "assassin's creed." michael k. williams is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) omar is coming. but first, it's that time of year, everybody. time for spreading some holiday cheer. >> this is mcdonald's holiday cup. it clearly has a picture of plain mittens silhouetted on it. however, one guy saw something ver different and made just a little adjustment. take a look. if you draw fingers on the thumb of the mittens, it instead looks like someone clasping the cheeks of their bootay. >> trevor: no! no! ( laughter ) yo, can i be real for a second? what is it with americans and holiday cups? ( laughter ) first you complain that starbucks' cups aren't christmasy enough and now mcdonald's cups have too much anus. what is going on. there there is no pleasing some people. you can draw anything on anything. you can't say as you drew hand to make it look like an ass. look at the golden arches of mcdonald's. it's just an "m."

but if you turn them upside down and draw nipples on them, it looks like saggy boobs. you can't blame mcdonald's for that. the point is let's all get a hold of ours. well, not like that. what i'm saying is don't make a big deal out of this. although i do love the idea that some conservative is looking at that cup going, "that's disgusting "n" warmest greetings? this gaping butthole should be saying 'merry christmas'." ( laughter ) i don't know about you guys, but i'm ready for 2016 to end. i am so done with this year. ( cheers and applause ) this was, honestly, one of the (bleep) years we can remember. and on top of that, it was a leap year so there was an extra day of (bleep). to be honest, only an asshole would be thankful for a year like this. >> president-elect trump kicking off his thank you tour, visiting the ceet battleground states that helped secure his win against hillary clinton. >> trevor, of course, the worst year furst is the best year for trump. you know, when we lose, he wins.

it's like he owns one of those cleaning companies that only cleans up crime scenes. "oh, boy! triple homicide. cha-ching!" i thought the thank you tour was a waste of time. honestly, i did. until i watched it. and i realized that the thank you tour is actually some of the most important speaking donald trump has done all year. like yesterday, trump was in wisconsin. and in between thanking the voters, he also gave us a glimpse of his true relationship with the speaker of the house. >> speaker paul ryan-- where is the speaker? where is he? he has been-- i'll tell you, he has been terrific. and you know, honestly? he's like a fine wine. every day goes by, i get to appreciate his genius more and more. now, if he ever goes against me, i'm not going to say that, okay. >> trevor: i get the feeling when trump said, "paul ryan is like a fine wine" what he really means is he wants to lock ryan

up? a basement flike, 40 years. you've got to read between the lines. what stands out in that clip for me is not the compliments but how blatantly trump admits how empty his words are. just watch the last part again. >> i get to appreciate his genius more and more. now, if he ever goes against me, i'm not going to say that, okay? >> trevor: see that, straight up. if paul ryan is like a fine wine, then donald trump is like a fine mess. yeah, just a little, and yew like, "what the (bleep) is going on!" the guy is blatantly saying it-- "i like him now, but if he goes against me, i won't say that. i won't say that." this is not a new thing. what we're seeing here is a character i like to call truth trump. you'll notice if you watch him closely, the donald voices some political opinion, and truth trump slips out and tells you the real deal. >> you've been hearing me say it's a rigged system but now i don't say it anymore because i won, okay. so, now, i don't care. i don't care.

( laughter ) >> trevor: you see? if throws everyone off because politicians aren't supposed to be honest about their lying. you don't even get mad. you just get confused. you really do. imagine if your boyfriend was like, "baby, i didn't go to the club i was home. unless you were home, too, then i was somewhere else, and then i was somewhere else. that doesn't make you mad. that's the thing. but i was at the club!" and now with this tour, trump is finally admitting that it was all (bleep). he's admitting it blatantly, blatantly. take hillary, for example. trump spent the entire campaign saying hillary was a dangerous criminal who had ruined the country and for that he was going to lock her up. people chanted it. they held up signs. he even said it to her face at a debate. it was the one specific piece of policy that he had. ( laughter ) now that he's gotten what he wanted, truth trump tells it like it is. >> because i heard my opponent had scheduled michigan unexpectedly, it was like, all

of a sudden, with president obama and michelle, and bill and hillary. and they were going to michigan. ( booing ) now, okay, forget it. >> lock her up! >> that plays great before the election. now, we don't care, right? >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? he said, "it plays great?" just "it plays great before the election, but now we don't care." like, everyone else was doing the (bleep) for real, and he was just playing. he was just testing it out. you can even feel some people in the crowd were like, "yeah, wait, we were playing?" "come on! i wrote that on grandpa's tombstone. i took that seriously!" ( laughter ) that's not even the biggest surprise. because, look, i can get going hard on your opponents, right. but trump's campaign's central appeal was that he was an outsider, a man whose main mission was to drain the swamp. he said it all the time.

he was going to get rid of the lobbyists and get rid of wall street money and give d.c. back to the people. but truth trump, he tells it like it is. >> we're going to drain the swamp. ( cheers and applause ) of corruption. funny how that term caught on, isn't it? i tell everyone, i hated it! somebody said, "drain the swamp." i said, "oh, that's so hokey. that is so terrible. i said 'all right, i'll try it'." so like a month ago, i said, "drain the swamp." place went crazy. i said, whoa. then i said it again. then i started saying it like i meant it, right? and then i said it and started loving it. drain the swamp. it's true. it's true. drain the swamp. >> trevor: you know what trump is like? he's like a magician telling everyone how he did the trick, and still some people are like, "wow! magic! it's magic!

oooooh. magic!" ( applause ) for more on donald trump's campaign promises we turn to michelle wolf, everybody. michelle wolf. ( cheers and applause ) michelle, i am so thrown by this thing. is trump going to keep any of his promises? >> well, look, trevor, i've always known that trump promises are like his neck skin-- they're all over the place. but the one thing that we can be sure of-- this is not going to be a good four years for women. >> under what's called the heartbeat bill, abortion in addition ohio could be banned after a fetal heartbeat is detected. that can happen as soon as six weeks. >> what the ohio lawmakers have done is they've said, we are emboldened by the election of donald trump because he is antiabortion. >> in ohio, republican governor john kasich has vetoed what would have been the country's strictest time-based abortion law, the so-called heartbeat bill. >> six weeks? many women don't even know they're pregnant by six weeks. we can't make a choice before we know there's something to

choose. they're turning pregnancy into some kind of troll bridge riddle. ( laughter ) "i'm too early to tell but too late to stop. what am i?" ( laughter ) i don't know, an ice cream headache. >> trevor: michelle, michelle, let's be fair, though. can john kasich vetoed the bill. that is a good thing, right? >> yes, kasich vetoed it, but this story is like a penis it's closer you look at it, the worse it gets. >> ohio governor john kasich vetoing the so-called heartbeat abortion bill. he did, however, sign a bill restricting abortion after 20 weeks. >> we all see what these (bleep) are doing, right? they started with six weeks. and then we said, "that's crazy." so they countered with 20 weeks expecting us to be like, "thank you! how generous." stop trying to haggle. it's my body, not a used car. ( cheers and applause ) we all know-- a lot of used car fans. ( laughter )

we all know their main goal is to whitt teledown until we have no choice at all. you know, before you know it they'll be saying, "life begins at the moment of orgasm." and if that was the case, i'd have a baby every time i went jet skiing. ( laughter ) vroom, vroom! momma's taking another spin around the bay! ( laughter ). >> trevor: now, i'm picturing you-- anyway. michelle, there are legitimate questions, though, about when viability starts. >> you're right, you're right. but what i suggested if any laws are going to be made about women's bodies, they should be made by women. ( cheers and applause ) because-- for centuries-- and i say that without exaggeration-- for centuries laws about women's bodies have been written by men. some men can't even tell between a dr. seuss character and a female body part. is it a clitoris or lorax?

( laughter ). >> trevor: the clitoris is the one in the forests? >> oh, yes, sometimes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it depends. the point is, this is my body. i choose what happens to it. how would men feel if women wrote the laws about how you guys jerk off? how about, men can jerk off, but they can't (bleep). and if they do, they have to ask their mom, in writing. they need a signed permission slip. >> trevor: no, no, no, no, no. don't applaud. no, no! ( cheers and applause ) no, no, no! no! no! no! ( applause ) no, that's not fair. hey, that's not fair. what if-- what if the guy doesn't have a mom? >> oh, don't worry. i've thought this through. ( laughter ) first off, find a horny little offan. and second, if you can't get your mom's permission, you have to drink your (bleep).

>> trevor: oh! >> oh, so swallowing is disgusting when you guys have to do it? >> no, no, michelle, no. ( cheers and applause ) no, no, michelle, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. that is really gross. >> oh, not as dproas as what they're doing in ohio. so, ladies, we have to be done taking the high road. from now on, when they go low, we go bitch. or else we're going to keep living in a country where we care more about the rights of a cove cup than the rights of a woman. >> trevor: michelle wolf, everybody. we'll be right back. this is pepsi zero sugar. zero sugar. zero calories. but max pepsi taste. it's ok to get emotional. we know just how you feel.

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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "daily show." ladies, ladies, are you wondering what the trump administration means for your reproductive rights? and, fellas, are wondering what to get your lady it this holiday season? ( laughter ) well, then this field piece is for both of you. >> this is our president-elect. >> do you believe in punishment for abortion, yes or no? >> there has to be some form of punishment. >> for the woman. >> yeah. >> this is his right-hand man. >> our legislation would deny any and all federal funding to planned parenthood. >> and together they've called this: >> women are taking proactive measures to protect their reproductive rights. >> you know, we are building a wall around our vaginas. >> and, sure's administration has threatened to repeal obamacare, but how concerned should women be? >> there are 55 million women now who have access to no-cost preventive services because of the affordable care act. >> okay, that's it, (bleep) to

women. and when that many women are angry, they take action. >> a few days after the election, we saw over a 900% increase in online appointment scheduling for intrauterine devices. >> 900%. is that, like an exaggeration when i tell my mom i only drink, like, three drink a day. >> we really did see a 900% increase for birth control appointments, especially for i.u.d.s. >> an i.u.t. is a u.-shaped, t.-shaped device inserted into your cervic-- >> uterus. >> use of uterus, to prevent pregnancys. but statistics aside, how many real women were resorting? >> i'm probably going to stock up on plan "b." >> i'm getting an i.u.d. >> i'm seriously considering an i.u.d. >> these ladies weren't (bleep)ing around. >> it can blast anywhere from three to 12 years, and if you do the math, that's two trump

terms. >> two trump terms. elena, you're a real (bleep) downer,un that? a real downer. there has to be a way their administration and our united states rye can come together? how about this, t-shaped branded trump, 24 karat gold, i.u.d., and that way he's always grabbing pussies all across america. i'm not saying anything. but i feel like you know it's a good idea. ( laughter ) let me hang on to this. >> feel free. >> i'll take it to kickstarter. until then... are you struggling to find the perfect holiday gift for that special woman in your life? this year, why not give hert gift that keeps on giving? it's a way of saying, "i love you." but not enough to pull out. don't worry if i.u.d.s aren't

for you. there are other options. >> oh! >> there's always plan "b." >> you shouldn't have! >> actually, i should. >> hurry, while supplies last. offer could end january 20. so before trump repeels obamacare, reverses roe v. wade, get your gal the gift that lets her have control over one (bleep) thing over the next four years. >> trevor: thank you, desi. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) there's your beautiful baby. any day now! [crunch] you're eating doritos? really? (laughter) owww! give me that! (screaming) [baby crying] [crunch]

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tadirectv now. stream all your entertainment! anywhere! anytime! can we lose the 'all'. there's no cbs and we don't have a ton of sports. anywhere, any... let's lose the 'anywhere, anytime' too. you can't download on-the-go, there's no dvr, yada yada yada. stream some stuff! somewhere! sometimes! you totally nailed that buddy. simple. don't let directv now limit your entertainment. only xfinity gives you more to stream to any screen. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "daily show." my guest tonight stars in the new movie "assassin's creed." >> who are you? >> they call me moussa. but my name is batiste. i'm dead 200 years now.

i'm harmless. uh-huh... they're watching you, waiting to see who you are. have you met him yet? have you met him yet? ( laughter ) >> trevor: please welcome, michael k. williams. ( cheers and applause ) welcome, sir, welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: i am such a huge fan of yours, and, i mean, like, i feel bad, not for being a fan, but, like, you know, how hard it is not to say, "omar's coming." >> oh! >> trevor: do you get sick of that? >> never. why would i get sick of that, man? omar, man. we will always love omar. >> trevor: yeah? >> yeah. ( applause ) and it's more than just, you

know, the character. you know, when people say that name, it gives me a chance to think of all the beautiful times i had in that city. i loved the city of baltimore, my coworkers. shout out to the cast of "the wire," one of the best casts ever on television, and david simons. so any chance to have those beautiful memories, i'll take those, man. >> trevor: yeah, we have those memories. but what's crazy is everything that happened in "the wire" is something you can still talk about today. >> unfortunately. everything that plagued those people in that community, those characters, is still a problem in our community. so, you know, unfortunately "the wire" is still very much relevant. >> trevor: you play strong roles. but is it true you were a backup dancer for madonna. >> i was in the video. i danced-- most of my dance credits were in the house music

world, like crystal waters, technotronics. i still got some dance. let's see. ( cheers and applause ) >> you know who can really dance is that damn michael fassbender. >> trevor: are you serious? >> that guy can cut a rug. >> trevor: i feel like he can do anything. >> he can cut a rug. he can do anything. he can speak any language, act in any world, dance as well. let's talk about the movie "assassin's creed." i'm a huge fan of the franchise because of the video game. whenever they make a video game into a movie, it can be disappointing, but this did not fail at all. it is a fantastic story. what would you say is the biggest theme in the movie? for people who don't know what "assassin's creed" is about, what makes this movie so special? >> well, for me, i never heard about the game-- i definitely didn't know anything about the world. what made is so important for

me, so special to me, people who don't even know the game will resonate, it's a timely story. it's about good versus evil. you know, you have these templars which exist, and their goal is to control the masses and take away free will. and the assassins are saying, "no, you're not." but they're using-- ( laughter ) "no, you're not." but they're using violence to do that. and the templars are the same. we were the-- we want to do this because we feel we take away free will, we will stop violence. jiewf got one group who feels they're doing this for the good of humanity. you have another group going around killing people and saying for the good of humanity. are there any good people in "assassin's creed"? >> yeah, you know, and they're the assassins. ( laughter ) you know, at the end of the day-- >> trevor: that's a messed up world when the assassins are the good people. >> yeah, you know. at the end of the day, you know, free will, i believe, is the greatest gift to mankind, and, you know, we have to protect that at all costs, you know. and the movie also speaks to, like, this ancestral energy.

and i'm also a big believer in, you know, we are-- we are all the sum of the people, the men and women that walked before us, that share our bloodlines-- ( applause ) and the movie speaks about that. and i think for young people-- our kids, it's a great time to tell our story about feeling proud of who you are, where you came from, and knowing your ancestry, and feeling proud of that bloodline, and using that super power, if you will, and do something positive in this present world. i think it's a great message. >> trevor: it's a great message, and i'm glad you're delivering it, and i thank you so much. "assassin's creed" is in theaters december 21. michael k. williams, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) media ah

access.wgbh.org ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. student for "@midnight" coming up next. here is our moment of zen. >> i am outraged i don't think

any foreign individual-- >> why didn't you say that why didn't trump say it? >> i'm saying it. stop and let me-- okay, i just said it! [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, and 14,429 minutes 'til christmas. well, it's mid december now right now santas everywhere are putting in overtime. seems like a pretty sweet gig, right? i mean, you get peed on in a mall, you get to dress up like albino zach galifianakis, you get exposed to hundreds of strains of communicable poxes. but it's not all fun and games! you guys, being a santa takes literally days of preparation as we learned from this cnn money story about santa university.