we will never forgive, never rest until they are all wiped out. [bleep] you. [bleep] you, dolphin and whale! - so that's what this has all been about. - dude, it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima. it was the-- - shh! shh! dude, they won't rest until whoever's responsible is completely wiped out. - oh, right. look, i--i think i can make everything okay here. can i just use a phone? [cell phone rings] - hello? stan? - dude, are you sitting at your computer? i need you to do something for me. mr. prime minister, japanese officials, there's something you need to know. the photo you were given of the enola gay was doctored, because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly that they simply pointed the finger at somebody else. my government has authorized me to give you the original photo, unaltered, so you can finally know the truth. dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers. a chicken... and a cow.

- chicken and cow? chicken and cow! - chicken and cow use poor dolphin and whale as a scapegoat! this is outrage! [cows mooing] - [bleep] you, cow! [angry yelling] [chickens clucking] - [bleep] you, chicken! - [bleep] you, chicken! - great job, son. now the japanese are normal like us. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much! thank you so much! welcome, everybody!

welcome back to you! welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. so excited. we're back from new year's break. tonight's guest from "saturday night live" weekend's update, michael che is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) first, happy new year. i'm not even into the swing of it yet. i've still got the tan. ( laughter ) i do. i have a tan. you can't tell, but i have a tan. i hope you guys had a great holiday. i had a fun time. i fulfilled a life-long dream. i got to travel to macchu pichu, which is fantastic. that was me hiking there. i bought that hat, yes. ( laughter ) you think you're cool until you're in the amazon sun, then you're, like, anything, put it on my head. ( laughter ) so i bought that and liked up. yina pichu is in the background.

a lot of people can't make it to the top of macchu pichu because of fainting. people quit. so we almost got to the summit, and then my friends are, like, i can't do it. my one friend tasha said, i'm too tired. i looked at her, i didn't realize others were listening, i said, tasha! if donald trump can be president of the united states! then we can make it to the top of this mountain! come on! ( cheers and applause ) and then -- and this is the craziest thing -- and there were people from all over the world from, like, canada and belgium and everything and some other lady was, like, yeah! we can do it! and then we started marching up the mountains going, trump, trump, trump, trump! ( laughter ) so that was so much fun. the people of peru, thank you so much. it was amazing. got to hang out there and with a real-life alpaca. that was fun. those cool guys, yeah.

one of them is my son. the other is a little boy. i don't know who he is. ( laughter ) and then on new year's eve, i even got to hang out at times square and had so much fun. no one tells you, if you ever come to new york, learn from me. they don't tell you how long you have to spend at times square. hours. you can't leave waiting for the ball to drop. my phone was dying, and i wouldn't be able to take pictures. luckily, i was by the stage and had an outlet. it was plugged in and said something like "m. carey sound." ( applause ) so i pulled out the thing to charge my phone and it worked and i took this really cool selfie of me, you see me performing there, yeah, with mariah. her performance was awful. i don't know what happened. mariah carey carried, she bombed so hard i.s.i.s. took credit. it was insane. ( laughter ) i had so much fun new year's.

someone had more fun than me. cnn anchor and very serious news man don lemon. >> this is way too early to start this. >> you want a shot? i will do a shot. it's 5:00 somewhere. hold that. >> i hope you are counting how many times he's doing this. >> we really don't need to see what's about to happen here. >> ow! but i don't make new year's resolutions. i live my life to the fullest, i don't care what people think about me. do i what i want because it's my life. know what i'm saying? don't put me in a box. >> trevor: don't put me in a box! that ended with don lemon sitting on the sidewalk and crying. he was, like, why is wolf blitzer so mean to me? ( crying ) for cnn, i'm don lemon. ( crying ) the big story. i'm calling it now.

what happened today was the funniest story of the year. 2017 is done, and it's only january 3. the republican congressmen got together to determine the rules for the next two years in the house of representatives -- which members can call for a vote, do people have to wear shoes, no muslims, that sort of thing. you remember that for the last year republicans have been selling america hard on the stuff they will do as soon as they take over washington -- repeal obamacare, cut taxes, balance the federal budget -- but one thing took precedence over all priorities. >> house republicans voting behind closed doors monday night in favor of a proposal that guts its own independent ethics watchdog tasked with investigating misconduct among house members. >> trevor: ooh! look at you, republicans! new year, new you! ( laughter ) hey, you know what? republicans getting rid of the ethics office seems disgusting, but i have to commend them,

because most people make good new year's resolutions that they can't keep. you know, these guys are just, like, this year, i'm going to be less ethical, i'm going to gain five pounds and i'm never ever ever going to call grandma again because why? (bleep) her! 17! 17! that's the sign we have for 2017. that's the official 17. the ethics office is independent, it can conduct its own investigations, when it suspects congressmen of things like bribery or sexual harassments, and can inform the public of its findings and basically it's it's on thing and that's what the republicans tried to stop. >> the the house committee would allow the house to stop any ethics investigation and bar the committee from making any statements. it would give congress the right to stop investigating itself -- >> trevor: i'm going to go out there and say it doesn't matter what industry you're in, when

people want less ethics, that's the first sign you shouldn't trust them. doesn't matter who they are. forget congress. could be like the dentist. the dentist could be, like, i want less ethics and i'm, like, i don't trust you when i'm asleep. how can they investigate themselves? i remember when i was a kid, my mom tried to instill self discipline in me because someone was stealing cookies in the house. so my mom said, trevor, i'll let you discover who's stealing the cookies, you investigate. i tried to investigate people. i tried so hard, but i couldn't catch the person. ( laughter ) i likely tried. i real -- i really did. so basically it was all looking good for the republicans and the truth is nothing could stop them. certainly not the democrats because in the house -- and this is crazy to say, republicans don't need a single democratic vote to do anything.

anything. there was one little problem, though, citizens. >> members of congress were also getting a lot of calls from constituents saying what in the world are you doing? >> constituents were blowing up their phones. >> trevor: that's right. if you're a young person, you know, bugging someone by phoning them probably seems like the most useless idea to you because you can put the phone on silent or block them, that's what you would have to do. but you have to remember, in congress, this is not a phone. this is a phone. a lot of people calling it can be extremely annoying, and not just because of the noise, because it ties up their phone lines. they can't make calls. sort of like, remember how back in the day when your parents would be trying to get on the phone and they couldn't because you were on the internet, they're, like, get off the internet, i'm trying to make a phone call! and you were, like, i'm downloading a photo of a naked woman, be done in six hours!

that's how you get results from your representatives, phone calls. that's how things work, not facebook, online petitions, not twitter. there is one exception for twitter. >> president-elect trump slamming the house for its plan to gut the ethics watchdog group tweeting moments ago, with all that congress has to work on do, they really have to make the weakening of the independent ethics watchdog as unfair as it may be their number one act and priority? >> trevor: even when i expect donald trump to surprise me, he still manages to surprise me. he's the person who jumps out of the person who jumps out of the cake. double surprise, (bleep)! ( laughter ) so the people phoning congress, tiny hands tweeted, and the house republicans slithered back into their hole. >> following to break news, and it appears that house republicans have dropped a rules change that would eliminate the ethics office. >> trevor: you know what? the truth is i feel bad for

republicans because i understand why they did this, why they tried to get rid of the ethics committee. think about it, trump comes in, right? claiming that he's going to drain the washington swamp, but then he's accepting money for meet and greets, foreign diplomats are booking rooms in his d.c. who tell hoping to get access to him. why wouldn't republicans want a piece of that sweet action and with no one investigating them? they're probably watching trump splash around in the swamp having a great time, yeah! obviously, they want to join. oh, i'm getting in, as soon as they tip their toe in. trump is, like, hey! what did i say about the swamp? we're draining it! get out! yay! look at what trump just did to the republicans, he left them in the worst possible position. they look like (bleep). they look like (bleep), for trying to undo all the ethics rules, and now they don't even get the benefits. i bet now the ethics office is,

like, so, you were the (bleep) who tried to cut our jobs. okay. okay. we see you. we see you. this is a huge wakeup call for republicans and it's only day one. that's right. it's only day one. republicans don't seem to understand, you as republicans, you thought you won the election, but you didn't. donald trump won the election, and donald trump only looks out for one guy -- well, two guys. ( applause ) don't forget it. we'll be right back. >> here's the thing you need to know about the house ethics rules. this isn't the first time republicans tried to change it on day one. they tried the same (bleep) back in 2005. simpler times. just like today, everybody got pissed and republicans walked the whole thing back. that's not a shooting star, that's a republican comet of (bleep) and every few years it comes around again. so that's the thing you should

so that's the thing you should know.

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"the daily show." ( cheers and applause ) now, since we went away for the holidays, the u.s. has been dealing with the aftermath of russia's interference from the presidential election, and in the last few days, like a video on well star, things escalated quickly. >> the white house today striking back against russia for interfering in the u.s. election. the president taking executive action to expel 35 russian intelligence operatives. president putin announced there will be no retaliation, saying we will not create any problems for u.s. diplomats, we will not expel anyone. >> putin even issued this invitation to american children, in response to the new u.s. sanctions, i invite all children of the u.s. diplomats to the new year's and christmas children's show at the kremlin, signed, yours sincerely, vladimir putin. >> trevor: you said putin did not retaliate, but in my opinion those actions are the ultimate retaliation, telling someone they have to stay in russia,

that is punishment. i bet your american diplomats were, like, oh, i guess we also have to leave and he's like, no, no, you stay. you stay. and imagine the kids -- christmas at the kremlin? that is the worst way to spend christmas ever. can you imagine kids saying, what did you do for christmas? i spent it at the kremlin! was it fun? it was at the the kremlin! ( laughter ) but if you think about it, why would putin respond? obama has less than three weeks in office at which point putin's new bestie takes over. or another way -- >> in a tweet friday afternoon, trump said great move on delay by v. putin, i always knew he was very smart. >> trevor: my favorite part of the tweet is you know trump has no idea how to spell vladimir. so he didn't try at all. just great move on delay by

vl -- vlaad -- by v. putin. ( laughter ) russia had a fishing thing podesta clicked. hacking a high level thing. they got the democrats. putin was put in time outhand he likes it. cybersecurity is left up to this guy. >> what do you think about sanctions? >> i think we ought to get on with our lives. i think computer complicated lives greatly. the whole age of computer made it where nobody knows exactly what's going on. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm sorry. i wasn't paying attention to anything trump said. i was too busy staring at don king. he looks like he's wearing the entire statue of liberty souvenir shop. what is he doing? say what you want but for a guy in his '80s he knows how to

rock a mt. rushmore jean jacket. he's killing it! let's try this again. trump, how do you know that computers are so dangers? >> i have a boy who is ten years old, he can do anything with a computer. >> trevor: he turned my screen into an aquarium! what dark magic is this! ( laughter ) but trump thinks he knows a lot about computers, especially how to hack them. >> i know a lot about hacking, and hacking is a very hard thing to prove, so it could be somebody else, and i also know things that other people don't know, and, so, they cannot be sure of the situation. >> what do you know that other people don't know? >> you will find out on tuesday or wednesday. >> trevor: why not tell us now! you know about an international espionage incidents and you're not going to tell us now? donald trump has lived inside a reality show for so long, h he's secrest-ing national security now.

the united states has just declared war, and i'll tell you with who right after the break! ( applause ) we'll be right back!

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♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian who is also the co-anchor of "saturday night live"'s weekend update, and he has a new standup special on netflix called "michael che matters." >> why do black people always have to get over it so quickly? ( applause ) thanks, black lady. ( applause )

right? right? why do we got to get over (bleep) every time we bring some (bleep) up? slavery -- oh, that was 400 years ago! ( laughter ) segregation -- oh, you guys got black history month out of it, come on. we gave you february. ( laughter ) police shooting -- that was two weeks! come on, still? ( laughter ) 9/11 -- oh, never forget. >> trevor: please welcome michael che! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show, michael. >> cool as hell, man. thank you. >> trevor: so cool. congratulations on the special. first thing we see in the clip is quite a controversial joke you're making there, michael che. >> that's true. >> trevor: beautiful as a

comedian it is your job to point out these things in society? >> i don't think it's my job but i'm taking it upon myself to do my job wrong. ( laughter ) >> trevor: for real, as a comedian. >> no, yeah, i think it's fun. that's the one thing we can do as comedians is we can talk about things frankly and in a fun way and make people laugh. i mean, if you've got to hear this important stuff, why not make it funny? >> trevor: it's hard for comedians to watch because it's like we're behind the scenes of everything. this is your first special, which is funny because you have been doing comedy for a while in new york, you blew up quick. was it special for you doing it in new york as a new yorker? >> yes, it was. to me, with a special, you want it to be a home run. you know, i'm from new york, and i know this city, and you want it to -- you know, you wanted everything to be set up for a good audience. there's a lot of people there that owe me money.

( laughter ) you know that. you know that. >> trevor: i don't get how that changes your performance on a show. >> you get a different confidence when some people in the audience owe you money. it's, like, all right, y'all better laugh, or you're going to get a phone call. like, oh, man, you're funny. i know you were going to need this money back, man. you're going to be all right. that's how it works out. what about you? how do you feel? this is a big stage, man. what does it feel like for you coming out here every day and making fun of the president of the united states? >> trevor: i'm not making fun of the president. i'm making fun of donald trump. >> oh ( audience reacts ) >> trevor: no, that's true. that's true. but he will be soon be the president. you have a similar job. you wear a suit and tie. >> but i still wear jeans. >> trevor: wait, you wear jeans under the desk? >> i wear jeans under the desk and jordans. >> trevor: i feel like the illusion, like, i pictured you in a full head-to-toe suit with

pointy leather shoes. >> how long have you known me? >> trevor: i've known you a while. >> when have you ever seen me in pointy shoes? >> trevor: that's the image i had. it made it funnier for me. i was, like, under that desk he's got pointy shoes. >> no, man. >> trevor: are you a little afraid? people ask me that question. you're a comedian. >> i'm not afraid. >> trevor: no, but here's my thing, listen, though, like, donald trump, he has beef with "snl." >> yeah. >> trevor: he watches your show. >> true. >> trevor: i can safely say that trump avoids this show. he basically goes, like, see, no, no, and he goes to something -- but he watches "snl." >> that's true. >> trevor: and you're going to say some things about him when he's president. >> that's true. >> trevor: you're not even a little bit afraid? >> i like donald trump. i think he's a hilarious dude. ( laughter ) he doesn't want to be president. he wanted to win. he ran that campaign like i'm not going to let this nerd beat me. he just -- he didn't want to

lose to nerd lady. that's it. that's it. he doesn't want to be president. you think he really wants to be president? do you think he wants to have dinner with mitt romney? ( laughter ) do you think he wants to sit across from people that he doesn't even know how to pronounce their country or name? he doesn't want to do that. that's why he's on tour. he goes on tour immediately. as soon as he won, he's, like, we should just go back on the campaign trail. that's stuff was fun. like that. >> trevor: that's funny. this guy is like a standup. >> yeah, the crowd was addictive. he's loyal to the crowd. when he goes into washington and the white house, he's the dumbest guy in the room. ( laughter ) when he goes to bathwater, pennsylvania, he's a genius! they love him! >> trevor: i'm just going to say for the record, i know nothing about bathwater, pennsylvania, and, so, the views

of michael che do not reflect my views. if you're in bathwater, michael che said that and probably said crazy stuff in his new special "michael che matters" which is currently streaming on netflix. michael che, everybody. we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) ♪