- i know, baby, go on. [tender piano music] - oh, and now the main event. - god, i've been wanting you for so long. - duh. [sultry music] - ♪ baby - [moaning] - bill just has this animal magnetism. - look at the schvunker in his shorts. - ooh. - i can't believe they shot my dick off! - ♪ baby [back massager vibrating] - oh, my god, he's-- he's gonna bust, dude. - oh! oh, god, bill! oh! you're the [bleep] man! oh, you're the best! the best i've ever had! oh, never stop! oh! never stop [bleep] me--e! oh! oh, oh. [nervous chuckling] - whoa. - hot. - boy got hips, don't he? - 14 times he has brought this woman to climax. 14 times, dude. - [screams] - ♪ baby

- okay, that is 15. that is 15. - all right. get ready. here comes showtime. - oh, colleen. - wait, what? - oh, dude, i'm about to make this man jizz. - wait. do you think you are about to leave? - actually, [energetic music building] i think i'm about to [bleep]. [screams] [softly grunting] - ohh. he-- oh, my god. - that was a lot. that was a lot, that was a lot. - on my massager. - [exhales] [sighs] [office phones ringing] [exhales] wow, what a dream. [sparsely dramatic music] was it a dream? - bill, what are you doing? you haven't left yet? you were supposed to leave an hour ago. and what's on your pants? - uh, milk. man milk.

[dramatic music builds] - what the [bleep] are you doing? - nice. comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. and thank you, to you, at home. my guest tonight is the president and c.e.o. of the international rescue committee, david miliband is joining us, everybody. i'm really excited. ( cheers and applause ) we're going to be discussing the i.r.c.'s mission to help refugees fleeing chaos wherever it is-- syria, iraq, the white house-- wherever. but let's get right to the big story, folks. by now, you've probably heard the major announcement, the one that's going to change america's

future. it's twins! yeah! it's twins! that's right. beyonce and jay-z announced on instagram that their family will "will be growing by two." yeah. she's so perfect. ( laughter ) she is just so perfect. as a gift to us all, she-- she even did it on the first day of black history month. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's like, "and here's the black future." and just look at that photo. look how beautiful beyonce is. look how elegant she is. and as always, she's socially conscious wearing a mosquito net to raise awareness for zika. pretty intense photo, though. i mean, if that's your pregnancy, what are you going to post when your water breaks? that makes sense. it does make sense. now, look, obviously, beyonce is

going to be great at carrying those two babies. i mean, she got so much practice carrying kelly and michelle. >> audience: ooooooh! >> trevor: i don't even know who said that joke. that was horrible. ( laughter ) but you know who i do feel a little bad for? jay-z. because the stress starts right away when he has to come up with two names cooler than blue ivy. ( laughter ) it's almost impossible. he's going to be at the sherwin williams like, "give me all your watches, all of them. yeah." ( laughter ) by the way, people, you do see where this is going, right, what's happening reet now in america. the empire has taken over. the dark side is rising. and suddenly, our queen is carrying twins. luke and leia. and now we've all got a new hope. "star wars," people!

"star wars"! we're got to hide beyonce. all right, let's move on now to less serious news, the supreme court. last night, america was phenylly introduced to donald trump's pick for the highest court in the land, and he comeses from the highest state in the land. >> the president announcing conservative neil gorsuch, a federal appeals court judge from denver, who he praised for having a brilliant mind and tremendous discipline. >> he is the man of our country and a man who our country really needs and needs badly. ( laughter ) >> trevor: is trump introducing a judge or reading supreme court erotic fiction? ( laughter ) "america needed judge gorsuch badly. it reached its trembling hand under justice gorsuch's robe to feel his sim supple yet tender thigh." here's how you know we're living in trump's america now. this appointment is for the top

court in the land that rules over an entire branch of government. it's a lifetime appointment that could shape american society for the next 40 years. and you can tell that trump understood the gravity of the situation because he treated it like an episode of a reality show. >> this drama, orchestrated by trump, resembling an "apprentice" announcement tonight. >> sources say the choices comes down to two men, both who have come to washington tonight, almost like some kind of reality tv show. >> judge neil gorsuch. ( applause ) >> so was that a surprise? was it? ( laughter ). >> trevor: who cares if it's a surprise? the point of picking a supreme court justice isn't gotcha! it's a judge. not a jack-in-the-box. what are you doing? i mean, who announces a supreme court nominee like this? trump even teased his selection on twitter. this is what he tweeted. he said, "i have made my decision on who i will nominate for the united states supreme

court. it will be announced live on tuesday at 8:00 p.m. preparentheses white house." of i love how he puts white house after 8:00 p.m. as if we don't know how where to find him. he treats it as a tv show. "tune in tuesday 8:00 p.m. only on white house. only on white house." who is this man? ( cheers and applause ) like, i wouldn't be shocked if in a few years you're going to be watching tv and trump is going to pop up at the bottom of the screen with like, "my new law, coming up. it's going to be one of those things like him walk out. what the hell? it's happening for real? ( applause ) get out of here, man! get out of my show! get out of my show! ( applause ) the man is so obsessed with entertainment, he even include an extra judge. he included an extra judge just to build suspense, which turned

cnn into t.m.z. >> just hours before the president's big prime-time announcement, cnn caught up with one of his two top contenders, judge thomas hardiman, on his way to washington, stopping to gas u in bedford, pennsylvania. >> i can ask about your trip to d.c.? are you the potential supreme court pick? >> trevor: shame, guys. that poor judge. the dude is going for a d.c. job interview and he's getting treated like he just (bleep) a kardashian. totally not cool. these are serious judges who deserve to be treated with respect. with that said, let's learn more about the man who actually got the rose in tonight's installment of "profiles in tremendousness." >> i have the most dedicated people. i know best people. we're going to use our best people. i have the smartest people in the world. i know guys that are so good. so good. ( laughter ). >> trevor: so who is neil gorsuch? well, not only is he a federal

judge on the tenth circuit court of appeals. he's also a part-time cialis spokesperson. so you know he's not soft on crime. ( laughter ) and though there are some objections, you know, people saying, "oh, another white dude who went to harvard," on the supreme court, some say gorsuch qualifies as a diversity pick. >> all of the members of the court currently are either catholic or jewish, but judge gorsuch is a protestant, an episcopalian. >> trevor: oh! change! ( laughter ) and so, you know, america has so many flavors of caucasian, it's insane. no, like, sometimes it feels like i need a white person to pick up the subtle differences. i'm picking up notes of oh, yes episcopalian with just a hint of colorado, yes, yes. and "i'm just smelling quite guys. that's all i get." now, look, elections do have consequences. and one of those consequences is

that the president-- unless he's obama-- gets to appoint a supreme court justice of his choice. and that's exactly what donald trump has done. >> gorsuch sided with religious groups seeking exemptions from the contraceptive requirements in obamacare. >> he is a staunch supporter of the death penalty and gun rights. >> against abortion rights. against affirmative action. against gay rights. >> he's very conservative. a lot of people think he might be more conservative than scalia. >> trevor: goddamn! that guy' guy's conservative. i bet the g.o.p. elephant is jizzing out of his trunk right now. aaah! aaah! and, i mean, you've got to give the republicans props. i don't know what else to sphaip obama appointed merrick garland with almost a year left in his presidency. republicans, they stalled, refused a hearing, made up (bleep) excuses about why it couldn't, shouldn't, wouldn't be done. it wasn't nothing but petulant

bad behavior for an entire year, and in the end, they were rewarded with everything they wanted. imagine trying to raise a child in this world. what do you say to them? "and so i hope you learned your lesson, billy." "(bleep) you, dad." "that's my boy." ( laughter ) i mean, not only did they get to fill scalia's seat with a like-minded jurist. they found a man who admired scalia so much, it hurts. >> the world suffered a seismic shock with the loss of justice scalia. a few weeks ago, i was taking a breather in the middle of a ski run, with little on my mind but the next mogul field before me when the phone rang with the news. i immediately lost what breath i had left. and i'm not embarrassed to admit they couldn't see the rest of the way down the mountain through the tears. >> trevor: wow. that is sad. he was crying when he heard the

news of justice scalia who had passed. a really touching story. and, also, the whitest thing i've ever heard. ( laughter ) in the middle of skiing, you got a call. i mean, and then you had to carry on going down. i'm-- i mean, i'm just like, how do you do that? skiing is so much fun. you're just there like, "wait. what? what happened? no!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back. chili's has always had great deals.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." so as you all forgot, it's black history month. let's commemorate it with a look at the most recent black history, the obamas, and what ( cheers and applause ) they are doing post-presidency, and pre-apocalypse. >> the obamas appear to be enjoying their r&r as they vacation on billionaire richard branson's private island in the virgin islands. you see them there taking a casual stroll in beach attire, the former president in flip-flops and wearing his hat backwards. >> he never wore his hat backwards as president, i don't think. >> trevor: "he never wore his hat backwards." why is that a thing? he's wearing his hat backwards. it's almost like he's black. oh, my god! ( laughter ) yeah, obama wear his hat in whatever direction the country's going in. that's the thing he does. ( cheers and applause ) that's why he's never worn it

the other way. well, it's either that or he's turning it to face mecca. either way, it's his thing. i like the idea that now that obama is done being president, he's just going to go, like, full black. cap backward, no (bleep) given. he'll come back from vacation telling everyone to call him hussein. it's like, "excuse me mr. president, it's mr. hussein, president "x" barack." meanwhile, america's other president of color, donald trump, was also observing black history month, but he did it by inviting some black people for what he called a listening session. that's what he called it, seriously. and at first i was like, what is a listening session with trump? i thought it was him going, "you guys, you got to hear me, bad and bougie cooking up dope with an uzi. don't bring any of that drake (bleep) in here." ( laughter ) but give trump the credit guys. nobody thought he would remember blast history month. let's be honest.

this is the same person who left jews out of the holocaust remembrance day. we're lucky donald trump didn't come out today and say, "i want to say, all months matter. that's what i want to say." instead, he invited black people to the white house, very specific black people. >> mr. president, we have been a supporter of yours from the beginning. >> i worked for you at the department of defense. >> i helped run african american outreach. >> i ran your campaign in west virginia. >> i was proud to be the leader of the education policy team for trump transition. >> i am, as you know, the former vice president of the wonderful charity that your son founded. >> right. >> trevor: now, now, before you hate, before you hate, i think it's very nice of donald trump to have every black person who voted for him in one room. ( laughter ) but to his credit, trump really tried to make an effort to connect to black people, and also to clear up some misunderstandings. >> you read all about dr. martin luther king a week ago, when somebody said i took the statue out of my office. it turned out that that was fake news.

( laughter ) fake news. >> trevor: fake news. that is true. trump has kept the bust of martin luther king jr. in the oval office. but you know sometimes he looks at it and he's just like, "obama, what are you still doing here?" ( laughter ) no, i'm just joking. i'm just joking. trump knows the difference between dr. king and obama but that might be as far back as his history goes, because listen to how he honors the great abolitionist writer frederick douglass. >> frederick douglass is an example of somebody who has done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more. >> trevor: "is frederick here now? ( laughter ) stand up, fred, stand up. where's fred? are you-- are you fred?" "i'm ben carson, that's who i am." "well, tell fred i'm a big fan. tell him i'm a fan." now, they only let the cameras in for the beginning of this whole thing, but i wish so bad i could have heard the entire discussion because the parts we heard were so amazing.

>> i was recently contacted by some of the top gangs in chicago for a sit-down. they reached out to me because they associated me with you. they respect you. they believe in what you're doing, and they want to have a sit-down with lowering the body count. i got that straight from the street. no politicians, straight street guys, but they're going to commit if they lower the body count, we'll come in and do some social programs. >> trevor: so, wait, we're supposed to believe these gangs told this dude to tell trump that they respect him. which, by the way, what does that say about trump? "yo, b., we saw, man, yo, you're one of us." trump's like, "that's what i've been saying this whole time. bad and bougie, bad and bougie." we'll be right back. things online. then he tried tostitos flavored salsas... ...and realized that not all sharing is easy.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the president and c.e.o. of the international rescue committee. please welcome david miliband. welcome, sir. >> thank you. grat to be here with you. >> trevor: gate to be here but not a good time for the i.r.c. what does the i.r.c. do. >> we're the international rescue committee, in 29 cities

we resettle refugees here. 13,000 refugees found a new life here with the i.r.c. in 2016. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: so you-- you are doing amazing work and you're on the ground. when the executive order/travel ban came down, how did that affect what you were actually doing with these people? >> so immediately, our staff around the world faced this terrible problem, a propaganda gift for isis and for al qaeda, who want to say that america will never look after muslim populations, that immediate was the emboldening of enemies, never mind the shock for the allies. for our refugee resettlement work here, we immediately faced the prospect first of the halving of the numbers of refugees. >> trevor: yeah. >> but there's also the human side of the story. that gets lost in the statistics. look, today, we're dealing with its case of a family, a man who helped the u.s. forces in iraq. he found a new home here in 2014

because he was admitted as a refugee. >> trevor: yes. >> his wife had to go through further checks. she passed those checks, and she booked a plane ride to come here on the 7th of february. what does she get told just last weekend? she's told the gate has been shut on you. you're going to have to remain away from your husband. now, that is not a fictional story. that is a real case today. actually, the man's in the audience here today. ( applause ) and i want to acknowledge him because he is not a threat to america. ( cheers ) that man-- that man, no way-- that man is not someone who americans should be afraid of. they shouldn't be afraid of his family. they should be cheering that man because he wants to become a productive and patriotic citizen in this country. >> trevor: let's talk about two things then off that. i'll play devil's advocate for a second and say how do you respond to people in the u.s.? and i mean, you're not just responsible for reallocating or

relocating refugees in the u.s. but also all over the world. so how do you respond to someone who says, ," yeah, but i don't know who's safe. i don't know if anyone may sneak through. these may be good people, but how do we know we're not putting ourselves in danger?" >> it's harder to get to the u.s. as a refugee than through any other route. it's 18 months of security checks. interviews. so that you go through 12-15 different parts of the u.s. government, making sure that you are who you say you are, that you're going to be someone who lives by the laws of this country and contributes to this country. now, the truth is that refugees are not terrorists. they are victims of terror. they're being bombed out of their homes across syria, which is the largest refugee population, and the refugee population has been banned from this country indefinitely. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about the fact-- i mean, these are people who are running away from the very same enemy that america is trying to target. and so for all intents and purposes, people on the same side. now what's happening is isis is

using this as a recruitment tool saying, "as you can see, america doesn't want muslims in their country, and so we are your only option." >> look, we've got to understand that the generational challenge that's being posed by extremist groups around the world is one where they are very strategic nick who they attack and how they do it and what messages they put out. and we've got to be equally strategic in the way we do that. that messaging that america will turn their backs on muslims, that you can never trust them, is the worst possible message, is a propaganda gift for those who would do damage to the u.s. >> trevor: if you were to speak to an american who is against this, an american when says, "i'm putting america first," how would you respond to that person? >> i'm saying it's not just right to welcome refugees. it's smart. john kennedy when he sipt the international aid agency of the u.s. government in 1961, he said it befits america and it benefits m. it promotes stability around the

world and that is the essential argument. the world has gotten smaller. and the truth is-- you then, if your neighbor's house is on fire your house is on fire. and we have to learn that lesson today. there are 7.5 billion on the planet. yes, we have to take care of the home front but you don't take care of the home front by pretending you're isolated from world. >> trevor: people want to help what can they do? >> the great thing about running an i.r.c., we're not just work around the world. we're working in 29 u.s. cities. please visit rescue.org, and mentor to help refugees who are arriving. please make sure you take up the fact with your congressman and, of course, i wouldn't be doing my job fididn't say donate us and support us if you can. >> trevor: thank you. we'll be right back. ( applause )