i'm excited for that challenge, and i want to say thank you so much for taking this journey with me, and i'm excited for you to see what's next. thank you, god, for your grace and for never giving up on me. [cheers and applause] but one more thing. one more thing before i go. there's someone in my life who i owe a special apology to. i'm talking about someone who i really loved and lost because i screwed it all up, but thankfully that special someone, the love of my life, is here tonight. i just want that second chance, so if you could come on out. this is your monkey. i missed you, buddy. want to go to the zoo? i'm just kidding. thank you so much and good night.

you did good, man. i'm proud of you, buddy. incredible [bleep] show. [techno music] ♪ it takes a lot of balls to do that. i wouldn't be able to do that. happy to do it. great, dude. it really was. - it was really great. - that's my guy, right? male announcer: february 21, 2017. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noah." [upbeat rock music] the celebrity appresident. - as is often the case in hollywood, whenever meryl streep is involved in something, there's a good chance that she's gonna steal the show, and last night was no different. - there was one performance this year that stunned me.

it was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter. disrespect invites disrespect. violence incites violence. when the powerful use their position to bully others, we all lose. - early this morning, i assume while taking his daily trump dump, the president-elect tweeted his response. - "for the 100th time, "i never 'mocked' a disabled reporter. "would never do that... just more very dishonest media." - what we're gonna do right now is actually show one of those times that donald trump engaged in this behavior. we're gonna show you the speech right now. - and now the poor guy-- you got to see this guy. "oh, i don't know what i said. ah, i don't remember." he's going like, "i don't remember. oh, maybe that's what i said." - well, um... donald trump says he didn't do it, but we have him doing it on tape.

i guess we'll never know the truth. [laughter] you know, one thing we're all gonna have to get used to over the next four years is donald trump and his people saying that things we saw with our own eyes didn't happen. you know--you know when you start a new job, most people try and ingratiate themselves to the folks that they'll be working with, but donald trump is not most people. - donald trump will take office as the least popular president in recent history. - a historically low approval rating. a new cnn/orc poll finds just 40% of americans approve of trump's handling of the transition. that's lower than any incoming president in decades. - that trump 40% is also lower than the post-katrina approval rating of president george w. bush. - now--now, most people being told that they're not popular would make them try harder, but like i said, donald trump is not most people. - trump is taking issue with the findings, saying on twitter,

"the same people who did the phony election polls, "and were so wrong, are now doing approval rating polls. they are rigged just like before." - okay, first of all, it's not the same polls, and you can't just say everything is rigged 'cause you don't like it. you can't--trump is just like "rigged" for everything. "how much is that?" "$24." "rigged. it's all rigged. "it's all rigged. it's phony. it's false." the entire american intelligence community released a public report agreeing that russia meddled in the presidential election, all right? most likely in an attempt to get donald trump elected. and then since that was a thing that happened on earth, donald trump tweeted his response. - this is part of his twitter reaction to the russia hacking report: "intelligence stated very strongly "there was absolutely no evidence "that hacking affected the election results. voting machines not touched!" that is not true. you can read it yourself. the report says no such thing. intelligence agencies explicitly say they have no way of judging whether the release of hacked emails and other russian tactics like promoting fake news

might have affected voters' decisions. - so here's where we are. russia hacked the election. well, they didn't-- they didn't hack the election. what they did was, they had a phishing thing that podesta clicked, and it's not hacking. hacking is a high-level thing. they got the democrats. obama basically put russia in a time-out, and putin was like-- [in russian accent] "well, i like time-out." so now the conversation about cybersecurity in america is left up to this guy. - all right, sorry, let-- let's try this again. trump, how do you know that computers are so dangerous? - "he turned my screen into an aquarium. what dark magic is this?" last night, right about when obama was speaking, buzzfeed leaked an unconfirmed report

that claimed that russia has blackmail material on donald trump, which includes damaging financial and personal details about him. now, if it's true, the financial stuff is bad enough. but the personal is what's got the people going, because it claims that donald trump once visited russia, stayed in the ritz-carlton in moscow, and then hired prostitutes to perform a golden shower, and that russia might have the whole thing on tape. now, just to be clear, there is no proof any of this is true, but because it's donald trump, it feels like anything is possible. i mean, this is the same person who grabs pussies. he walks in on girls getting changed, and if you were to choose a sexual act that donald trump prefers, it would probably be the one with "gold" in the title. you'd think--it-- it would all make sense. and now because of this, everything from trump's past takes on a different meaning, like his hotel ad from a few years ago where he says that he never misses a golden opportunity. that's his own ad! during a press conference at the kremlin,

the russian president finally commented on the unfounded and scandalous rumors of donald trump paying for golden showers from russian prostitutes. - [speaking russian] - did trump really come and meet with moscow prostitutes? first, he is an adult, and second, he is a person who for many years has organized a beauty pageant, socialized with the most beautiful women in the world. it is hard to believe that he ran to a hotel to meet with our girls of a low social class, although they are the best in the world. [laughter] - #humblebrag. [cheers and applause]

- #humblebrag. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ my new georgia gold make regular gold jealous.c my georgia gold is hand prepared with tangy honey mustard barbecue sauce. and gold is only gold. get it as a chicken little sandwich, extra crispy tenders or extra crispy chicken for a limited time. kfc. it's finger lickin' gold.

no gettin' through now. [singing] lil' sweet on a tiny horse! oh! this here's private property. call off the search party, whoo, cause i found'em. found who? two thirsty cowboys who deserve the [singing] sweet reward of diet dr pepper. mmmm... that's mighty sweet. told ya. that's some fancy rope work. could use a hand like you on the ranch. sorry, buckaroo, lil' sweet's just [singing] passing through. what that feller say his name was? lil sweet! diet dr pepper. it's the sweet one. (sfx: rain and thunder) says it won't let up for a while. the cadillac xt5... what should we do? ...tailored to you. wait it out. equipped with apple carplay compatibility. ♪ get this low mileage lease on this cadillac xt5 from around $439 per month, or purchase with 1.9% apr financing.

athank you, but next time.... this is the beer we drink. eberhard anheuser. adolphus busch. ♪ and i switched to sprint. and right now sprint has this incredible deal on unlimited data, talk and text. seriously? yup, it's the best unlimited plan ever. with lines for just $22.50 per month. that's amazing. that's 50% off verizon's new unlimited plan. can you hear that? (vo) switch to sprint and get unlimited data, lk and text. plus, get hd video and 10 gb's of mobile hotspot. all for just $22.50 per month, per line for four lines. for people with hearing loss, that's 50% off verizon and at&t rates. visit sprintrelay.com.

[upbeat rock music] - it's the most powerful press in the world going up against the most powerful question-dodger of all time. yeah, and trump hates the press. forget mexico. forget hillary. forget large door handles. to him, the press is public enemy number one. - the press is dishonest. they're very dishonest people. lying, thieving people. most of it, 70%, 75% is absolute dishonest, absolute scum. remember that. scum. do we hate the media? crowd: yes! - worldstar! what was great about today's press conference is that for the first time, we got to hear trump use "russia" and "hacking" in the same sentence.

- as far as hacking, i think it was russia. but remember this. we talk about the hacking. and hacking's bad, and it shouldn't be done, but look at the things that were hacked. look at what was learned from that hacking, that hillary clinton got the questions to the debate and didn't report it. that's a horrible thing. - it appears there's no cloud trump cannot see the silver lining in. - if putin likes donald trump, i consider that an asset, not a liability. - well, yeah, the-- the man is right. someone who is a help to a foreign power is called an asset. yeah, that's true. yeah. trump is like jason bourne, just without the everything. and today, we heard why the american people

should be so grateful to donald trump. - i was offered $2 billion to do a deal in dubai. a number of deals. and i turned it down. i didn't have to turn it down. we could make deals in russia very easily if we wanted to. i just don't want to. i could actually run my business and run government at the same time. i don't like the way that looks, but i would be able to do that if i wanted to. i'd be the only one that would be able to do that. - congratulations, america. you've elected a man who looks at the presidency as his side hustle. he's like, "man, i'm just doing this white house [bleep] "till i can get that paper, man. that's all i'm doing." and let's start by looking at the spectacle, all right? which is all trump wanted us to be looking at yesterday, all right? trump shared the stage with what can only be described as manila mountain. - these papers are just some of the many documents that i've signed turning over complete and total control

to my sons. - good lord. that's a lot of paper. so much paper. what is he doing there? it looks like a police chief showing off a homework drug bust. it's like, "as you can see, we found a lot of math. we found a lot of accounting." yeah, but--but jokes aside, you have to be impressed. look how much work he's been doing for america. but don't look too close, because if you do, you might start to notice things. for instance, the paper inside the folders doesn't look like weeks of contracts. it looks brand-new. yeah, and i know some of you might be hating. you might be like--you might be like, "oh, trevor, no, you're just hating, you know?" but--but you tell me. if you had real folders of real business you were really doing, wouldn't you at least have labels on them? [laughter] [cheers and applause]

come on, donald. like, you know what, at this point, it's not even about the lie, man. it's about the lack of respect. just take, like, two seconds to write down a fake label. just write-- you can even be like-- just be like, "conflict stuff." we don't care. and the reason this matters is that spectacle is what donald trump uses in place of actually doing something, which is surprisingly effective, because now there are people all over america going, "i know he left his business because i saw the papers. "i mean, what-- what kind of sick person "would bring empty folders to a press conference? am i right? am i right?" one thing that was particularly illuminating yesterday was how little regard donald j. trump seems to have for the presidency itself. in the past, u.s. presidents have always acknowledged themselves as being accountable to the american people. it's a crucial piece of what a president should be. and--and accountable to all people, including the ones who didn't vote for them. but as donnie always warned us,

he's an outsider. - uh, well, i'm not releasing the tax returns, 'cause as you know, they're under audit. - oh, gee, i've never heard that. oh, gee, i've never heard that. - but as president, sir-- - i've never heard that. you know, the only one that cares about my tax returns are the reporters, okay? they're the only ones. - but--no, i don't think so. i--i won. - do you believe the hacking-- - i mean, i became president. no, i don't think they care at all. [crowd jeering] - wow. in a way, trump's right, because the people who voted for him-- they don't care, and the people who chose not to vote? they don't care. the only thing we do know right now is obamacare. obama care very much. [cheers and applause] obama care, man. and the 65 million people who are actually the majority-- they care, but anyway...

i--i just hope that the press keeps caring. i'm glad they asked that question, and i hope they keep asking it, because without a fully functional press, the only one who's gonna be blind in this whole situation... is us. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪

bounce back like...d ...it used to? neutrogena® hydro boost water gel. instantly quenches skin to keep it... ...supple and hydrated... ...day... ...after day. with hydrating hyaluronic acid, which retains up to 1000 times its weight... ...in water. this refreshing water gel... plumps skin cells with intense hydration and locks it in. for supple, hydrated skin that bounces back. hydro boost... from neutrogena®. see what's possible.

get up...and get down at cricket wireless. where plans start at only $30/month. and more 4g lte coverage than t-mobile or sprint. plus, when you switch now you can get a brand new smartphone for free. cricket wireless. something to smile about. [upbeat rock music] - yesterday's press conference was also a scary glimpse into the future of what we might be able to expect from a donald trump presidency. - mr. president-elect-- - go ahead. go ahead. - mr. president-elect, since you are attacking our news organization-- - no, not you. not you. - can you give us a chance? - your organization is terrible. - you are attacking our news organization-- - your organization is terrible. - can you give us a chance to ask a question, sir? - let's go. go ahead. - sir, can you state-- - quiet. quiet. - mr. president-elect-- - go ahead. she's asking a question.

don't be rude. - mr. president-elect, can you give us a question? - don't be rude. - you're attacking us. can you give us a question? - don't be rude. - can you give us a question? - no, i'm not gonna give you a-- i am not gonna give you a question. - can you state-- can you state categorically-- - you are fake news. [crowd murmuring] - "you are fake news. "you're not here right now. you're telling me to do bad things." [laughter] wow. welcome to the next four years. you know what, honestly? that was one of the most frightening moments of today's presser for me, because in america, the press is supposed to be a check on the president, not the other way around. and you realize this is essentially the first step in the authoritarian tango. that's what you do. you shut down one news organization by alleging that it's all fake. that's your move, all right? and then if you get away with it, you can shut down another news network, you know? and then you can shut down another news network-- shut down another news network, shut them down, shut them down, until all that's left is, "breaking news: has president trump been working out?" you are in a position where donald trump-- i've never forgotten this, where he said, "i'm gonna open up

those libel laws." - yeah. - we're gonna get rid of this fake news. you are smack dab in the middle of those crosshairs. does this change how you approach the news? - it has to change the way we behave. you know, journalists are accustomed to when the president says something or the president-elect says something, you can just report it. but now something that donald trump tweets is not a headline that you can just translate right into your magazine or your newspaper or on television. - yeah. - because a, it might not be true, and more times than not, it isn't true. it's just a flat-out lie that he's just making up. and other times, it can actually change the world in negative ways. he's caused stocks to drop of companies he's threatening on his twitter feed, and he's threatening the press. he's saying he's gonna remove the press from the white house, so i think we have to study authoritarian regimes, unfortunately. we have to look at the way vladimir putin operates, and we have to think about how do we, a free press, operate with an increasingly authoritarian regime? and change everything we're doing. we can't just report what he says and live on his twitter feed. - people have said, "nothing hurts trump. "he's shameless.

what is the point of reporting on him?" you don't seem to have received that memo. you are still writing about donald trump. you are still reporting on everything the president-elect/ future president is gonna do. - that's right. well, for one thing, people say trump is shameless. he's not shameless. he can--you know, he feels shame. maybe not in the same way that you or i do, but he conscious of a reputation out there. i mean, the--the million dollars that he gave away only after i questioned him about it, right? - yes. - he did that in response to what he saw as damaging, true information hurting his reputation. - yeah. - so he's not shameless. the other thing is, it doesn't matter if he's shameless or not, right? i've heard a lot of people saying after the election, "well, nothing's true anymore. nothing matters." you know, "trump is distorting reality." he can't do that. that's not his job. that's not his power, right? this--the president is powerful, but they don't have that kind of power, so the facts that we're finding still matter to a lot of people. even if they didn't matter to him, they'd matter to a lot of people, so i think it's gonna be a really busy four years, but i don't think it's gonna be-- i don't think there's any reason to despair that donald trump has changed the nature of fact. - on sunday, we learned

that trump senior adviser kellyanne conway has a different term for falsehood. - the president asked the white house press secretary to come out in front of the podium for the first time and utter a falsehood. why did he do that? - don't be so overly dramatic about it, chuck. what--you're saying it's a falsehood, and they're giving-- sean spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts to that. - i like that she can taste the bull[bleep] in her mouth. i like that. just that moment where kellyanne is like, "he gave-- mmm, what is that? "mmm. alternative facts. ugh, ugh, what is that?" and my favorite part is, you can tell she's lying because right after she says it, she tries to casually flip her hair afterwards like she's all chill. - our press secretary gave alternative facts to that, but the point remains-- - wait a minute. "alternative facts"? - that there is-- - alternative facts? four of the five facts he uttered--

[laughter] it's the choke, the laugh, the hair. i--i honestly wish my girl had a tell that big. i'd win every argument. i'd be like, "hey, i heard you were at the club last night." she'd be like, "no, i went to... my mother's." [laughter] "i thought your mom was dead." "yeah, but she's... better now." [laughter and applause] i believe in me too. ♪ i am the unicorn of your confidence ♪

a girl with golden locks broke into a house owned by three bears. she ate some porridge, broke the baby bear's chair, and stole some jewelry, a flat-screen tv, and a laptop. luckily the geico insurance agency had helped the bears with homeowners insurance. they were able to replace all their items... ...including a new chair from crate and barrel. call geico and see how easy it is to switch and save on homeowners insurance. today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. verizon. (mic thuds) uh, sorry. it's unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. (thud) uh... sorry, last thing. it's just $45 per line. forty. five. (cheering and applause) and that is all the microphones that i have. (vo) unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just $45 per line.

♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho ♪ heigh ho heigh ho it's off to work we go here's to all of you early risers, what's up man? go-getters, and should-be sleepers. from all of us at delta, because the ones who truly change the world, are the ones who can't wait to get out in it. because the ones who truly change the world, play mar♪an hill. ♪are you down, d-d-down, d-d-down,♪ ♪d-d-down, down, down? ♪are you... down, d-down, down,♪ ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪down, d-down, down, down, ♪d-d-d-d-down, down, down, down?♪ ♪are you down, are you down,♪ ♪are you d-d-down, are you? ♪

wwe're the best tasting light beer? you be the judge. spelled different because it's brewed different. and i switched to sprint. and right now sprint has this incredible deal on unlimited data, talk and text. seriously? yup, it's the best unlimited plan ever. with lines for just $22.50 per month. that's amazing. that's 50% off verizon's new unlimited plan. can you hear that? (vo) switch to sprint and get unlimited data, talk and text. plus, get hd video and 10 gb's of mobile hotspot. all for just $22.50 per month, per line for four lines. for people with hearing loss, that's 50% off verizon and at&t rates. visit sprintrelay.com.

[upbeat rock music] - it feels like kellyanne conway has been poking away at the media for months, culminating in her latest statement about the bowling green massacre. - okay, well, first of all, i find it damn impressive. - what? i--no, no. i'm sorry, impressive? - oh, she's so good at it. i wish i had her talent. when she's done talking, i don't know if my mouth is my ass or my ass is my mouth. it's very confusing. [applause] i mean, she's got a playbook, and of course, like a porn star, she only has, like, four or five moves, but i still love watching her give it to people. - and then peña nieto-- i don't have to tell you-- canceled his visit this week.

- that was mutual. the president suggested it first on twitter. - they had a meeting scheduled for tuesday. you don't--you think that's a good thing? - it's a great thing that they spoke for an hour. i'll tell you what's not a great thing. here's not a great thing. it's not great that we have a $60 billion trade deficit with mexico. it's not great that they allow-- because there is no border, there is no-- there is no respect of our sovereignty in this country, chris. you know who i want fox news to go interview? go interview all those parents who have left-- who have lost children to opioid use. [laughter] - come on! i see your canceled meeting, and i raise you a heroin epidemic? this is amazing. i mean, for decades, politicians have blown bull[bleep] on tv, but kellyanne conway has changed the game. she's like when black guys started playing basketball. or when steroids started playing baseball. which brings me to this past weekend, because she did something that can only be described as: the beautiful lie.

it was her fib de résistance. - i bet there was very little coverage. i bet--i bet it's brand-new information to people that president obama had a six-month ban on the iraqi refugee program after two iraqis came here to this country, were radicalized, and they were the master-- masterminds behind the bowling green massacre. i mean, most people don't know that because it didn't get covered. - that was like a roller coaster of contradictions. she said, we didn't invent the ban. obama invented the ban, and the reason trump needed a ban is because obama didn't have a ban, which is why obama couldn't prevent the very real bowling green massacre, but trump will. come on! it's like if "inception" was a sentence! - well, michelle, i mean, i hear you, and you're right, but i don't think we should be celebrating kellyanne conway and a lie about a fake massacre. - oh, you don't think we should be celebrating kellyanne conway, but you want to celebrate a patriots win at the super bowl? a celebration you're having while kids are starving and dying on the streets of chicago?