represented by christie smith at rise management. we will play weddings. all right, pick a hand. good night. male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with trevor noah." [upbeat music] [cheers and applause] - it's been almost a week since donald trump became president, but--but it feels-- [audience groans] yeah, it feels like a lot longer, right? like, in trump's presidency one day is like a year. i mean, this was me last friday. look how innocent i was. look at me. look how i've aged. it's hard to believe that in less than seven days we've had an inauguration packed with empty space,

worldwide protests that made it acceptable to say "pussy" in any context, confirmations, executive orders, sean spicer lying about how he'd never lie, and to top it all off kellyanne conway came in to say that the week didn't happen because there are no such things as weeks, only alternative days. now, outside of a couple formal speeches, you realize we haven't had a chance to see president trump himself on the job, but yesterday he gave the first television interview from his new home office at the white house. - you took some heat after your visit to the cia in front of that hallowed wall, 117 stars of those lost at the cia. - that speech was a home run. that speech, if you look at fox, okay, i'll mention you--read-- see what fox said. they said it was one of the great speeches. there was love in the room. you and other networks covered it very inaccurately. i hate to say this to you,

and you probably won't put it on, but turn on fox and see how it was covered. - i love how he says "foxxxx." but you see that there? yeah, if the news is critical of donald trump, it's fake news. only praise is real news. so here we are one week into trump's presidency, and the realization is beginning to dawn. the difference between candidate trump and president trump is that now we have to live in his crazy reality, and that fact hit me when trump said this. - david, david, i mean, i know you're a sophisticated guy. the world is a mess. the world is as angry as it gets. what, you think this gonna cause a little more anger? the world is an angry place. - jesus, dude, if he's gonna talk like that i feel like he needs a different style of makeup. - david, david, i mean, i know you're a sophisticated guy.

[audience cheers] the world is a mess. the world is as angry as it gets. what, you think this gonna cause a little more anger? the world is an angry place. [laughter] - we're all his hostage. he's taken over our world. breaking news from donald trump's fat little twitter fingers. - president trump just tweeted on a number of subjects, including chicago's murder outbreak. - what exactly could that mean, bringing in the feds? - well, we've asked that question of white house officials, several of them, and there's no answer on what exactly he means. - yeah, of course there's no answer on what exactly he means, because he doesn't know what he means. we don't even know if he means the feds.

i mean, like, maybe he wants to send in roger federer and kevin federline. we don't know. anything's possible with trump. now-now don't get me wrong, that statistic about homicides in chicago is troubling, and no one can deny the issue needs to be addressed, but i guarantee you that donald j. trump just thinks "send in the feds" sounds cool. because whenever you hear that line in hollywood, something gets done. - the feds are here. - oh, crap. - fbi! [tires screech] [indistinct shouting] - feds, huh? - yeah, the feds. [all shouting] the feds? - you got it. - that's what trump feels is gonna happen. yeah, trump thinks that's what's gonna happen. he's just gonna send in the feds and all the black people are just gonna scatter. "ahhhh! ahhh!" or maybe another reason trump thinks the feds are a solution to every problem is because they definitely saved his ass,

so, i mean, that could be another reason. to me--to me though, one of the scariest things about trump's tweet is not the idea but where he got it from. you see, it wasn't from some classified briefing on urban violence, but trump's tweet came just an hour after bill o'reilly showed that exact same stats on his show. and coincidentally, bill o'reilly also suggested sending in the feds. - the question is, can president trump override local illinois and chicago authorities and stop the murder? can the feds go in and stop this? - that is insane. the commander-in-chief gets his intelligence from the same place your racist grandpa does. and don't get me wrong-- don't get me wrong, i think it's pretty cool for bill o'reilly. he gets to be president for an hour every single night. that is so cool. poor megyn kelly, she left fox too soon, yeah. she could have been the first female president for an hour a night, which is the way i feel america needs to do it. you guys aren't ready clearly.

just one hour a night, female president. just start there. but so many things could go wrong here. you know, like what if melania is surfing channels one night and donald trump starts issuing executive orders based on what's on tv? you know, what's on tv. just out of nowhere he's just like, "america must win the storage wars. "start enforcing the vanderpump rules "and stop viola davis from getting away with murder. "our kennys are being killed every day. "if the carnage doesn't stop, "i will send the feds into south park. you will respect my authorit-ay." [cheers and applause]

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[upbeat music] - since being inaugurated on friday, and, yes, it's only been five days, people. i know it feels like five years, but it's five days. trump has signed about a dozen executive orders, which is a lot, but some of them don't mean anything. - moments ago, president trump signing an executive order to begin building the wall on the southern border. - so badly needed. you folks know how badly needed it is. - i know that sounds like, you know, "oh, [bleep], donald trump did it. he built the wall." but all he did was sign a piece of paper,

which is normally how trump gets things built. he signs it, the people build it. but in this case, he still needs congress to allocate the money for it. so basically this is like when a kid makes one of their christmas lists. you can ask santa for a pony, but unless your parents go spend money at the pony store, your ass ain't getting a baby horse. there are a few hurdles, you know, trump's executive orders are gonna have to get over before they go into effect. unfortunately, not all of them. - reports of the president's broader proposed immigration plan that includes at least a four-month halt on all refugee admissions and a temporary ban on people coming from some muslim-majority countries that could include iran, iraq, libya, somalia, sudan and yemen. - he did it, people. this is the muslim ban. i mean, i know it's not called "the muslim ban," but this is the muslim ban. when you say it like that, it sounds like a song. ♪ do you know the muslim ban ♪ the muslim band that's-- like, they say it's not a muslim ban, but it is.

like, he's just banning immigration from countries that just happen to almost entirely be muslim. - it's countries that have tremendous terror, and it's countries that people are going to come in and cause us tremendous problems. - let me ask you about some of the countries that won't be on the list. afghanistan, pakistan, saudi arabia. - i don't want terror in this country. you look at what happened in san bernardino, you look at what happened all over, you look at what happened in the world trade center, okay? i mean, take that as an example. - okay, okay. let's take that as an example. these are the countries trump will ban people from. in the san bernardino shooting, one of the terrorists was a u.s.-born citizen. the other person was from pakistan, a country not on trump's list. or let's look at 9/11. all the hijackers came from these four countries, none of them on trump's list. what he's doing doesn't solve his problem. it's like if you got pregnant and then afterwards you said, "this is never happening again!

from now on, i'm only wearing condoms on all my hands. yeah! yeah!" i can't even imagine what it's like to all of a sudden have the united states label muslims as inherently threatening. - i'm not surprised. you know, in the past america has had lots of issues with muslims and immigration. you know, president carter banned iranians. bush built a registry of immigrants from 24 muslim countries. obama suspended refugees from iraq. but trump is taking this thing to a whole new level. i mean, those other presidents were just dipping their toes in the pool. now trump straight up did a cannonball and then felt up the lifeguard. and by the way, shout-outs to all my republican friends who promised me trump would never do this. - i don't think any of the people who are screaming at the top of their lungs thinks for a moment that that is a literal-- that a literal interpretation would be muslims. - that's not a real proposal. it's not something that's going to happen.

- i don't think you can take a lot of that seriously. - he's not gonna ban all muslims. - what the [bleep]? so we are getting banned? - well, hasan, hasan, technically-- technically you're a citizen, so this ban doesn't affect you. - yet! we're on day 11, man! that's it. where do you think this is gonna go? it's like watching the first episode of "breaking bad" and thinking, oh, it's just a science teacher cooking meth. it can't get any crazier, but it does. - and last night, the cluster[bleep] crescendoed. - breaking overnight, president trump fires the acting attorney general. - acting attorney general sally yates sending a dramatic letter to department lawyers saying she was not sure president trump's order was, quote, lawful. - in a matter of hours, the president fired her. - yes! he did it. he did it, the first "you're fired"

of the trump administration. finally! thank you, jesus! no, let's be honest, that's the only part of trump's presidency we were looking forward to. that's the only part, and the only part he was qualified to do. that's it, that's it, that's it. i bet he walked into yates's office and did it like that photo shoot. - are you ready? - yeah, we're ready. - all right. - [mouths words] trump's whole campaign appeal was that he'd run the country like a business. remember that? remember he'd say that? he's gonna run it like a business, and at the time it seemed like a terrible idea, because it's a country, not a business. but now i'm starting to wish he would run it more like a business, because what kind of business would launch a new product without telling the rest of the company about it, without checking it with the lawyers, or most importantly, worrying about how it would affect their brand? what kind of company would do that? it's not a comp-- although i guess trump is, in a way, keeping his promise. he may not be running the country like a business,

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[upbeat music] - last night america was finally introduced to donald trump's pick for the highest court in the land, and he comes from the highest state in the land. - the president announcing conservative neil gorsuch, a federal appeals court judge from denver, who he praised for having a brilliant mind and tremendous discipline. - this appointment is for the top court in the land that rules over an entire branch of government. it's a lifetime appointment that could shape american society for the next 40 years. and you can tell that trump understood

the gravity of the situation because he treated it like an episode of a reality show. - this drama, orchestrated by trump, resembling an "apprentice" style announcement tonight. - judge neil gorsuch. [applause] so was that a surprise? was it? - who cares if it's a surprise? the point of picking a supreme court justice isn't, "gotcha!" it's a judge, not a jack-in-the-box. what are you doing? i mean, who announces a supreme court nominee like this? trump even teased his selection on twitter. this is what he tweeted, he said... i love how-- i love how he puts white house after 8:00 p.m. as if we don't know where to find him. that's where he-- he treats it like a tv show. "tune in tuesday, 8:00 p.m., only on white house.

only on white house!" who is this man? like, i wouldn't be shocked if in a few years you're gonna be watching tv and trump's gonna pop up at the bottom of the screen with like, you know, "my new law, coming up." it's gonna be one of those things. just like him walking out, just like-- oh, what the hell? it's happening for real? get out of here, man! get out of my show! get out--get out of my show! you know, it's been so chaotic here in america, dealing with trump's bull[bleep], that you forget there's a whole world out there also dealing with trump's bull[bleep]. you can't escape the man, and it's not like the world doesn't have problems of its own. for instance, in germany they're worried about russian's interfering with their elections now, but instead of focusing on that, poor angela merkel had to spend her precious time explaining to trump that he couldn't refuse refugees in need

because of a thing called the geneva convention. yeah, she had to explain that to a president. in britain, prime minister theresa may is struggling with brexit, but because of trump, who wants to meet the queen, she has to spend time schooling him on royal protocols, teaching trump on how to meet the queen. rule one, donald, it's not okay to grab the queen's pussy. or as the queen calls it, the gray corgi. now--now as irritating as those trump problems may be, at least they're side issues. for some countries, trump is problem numero uno. - fighting with friends. - president trump escalating his fight with mexico. - president trump threatened to use u.s. military force to halt mexico's drug trade. he reportedly said he's ready to send u.s. troops to stop what he calls, quote, "bad hombres down there." - hey, hey. look on the bright side,

trump's learning spanish. of course trump and his administration aren't just making new enemies. they're also rebooting old ones. - the white house is raising the stakes with iran, and national security advisor michael flynn lashing out at the iranians for conducting a recent missile test. - president trump has severely criticized the various agreements reached between iran and the obama administration. instead of being thankful to the united states in these agreements, iran is now feeling emboldened. as of today, we are officially putting iran on notice. - flynn sounds less like a general and more like an atlanta housewife. you know, "iran caused a scene at my dinner party, "so she officially on notice. bloop!" if you were guessing who trump would be heading to war with two weeks into his presidency, we would have probably picked mexico, and we probably would have had iran. but who would you have had for a third? think about it. no, no, try again. try again. - the president is also taking a hard line with australia, reportedly slamming the prime minister during a phone call.

- a shouting match between him and australia's prime minister. - accusing him of trying to send the u.s. the next boston bombers, referring to an agreement to send 1,250 refugees here. mr. trump hanging up after just 25 minutes. - who picks a fight with koala island? it's one of america's closest and chillest allies, people. their catchphrase is literally "no worries." like, when you've got australia thinking that you're an asshole, then maybe it's time for you to ask the question: is trump really going to make america first or is he just going to make america alone? the signs aren't good, especially if trump's leaked australia phone call is anything to go by.

[dial tone] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. verizon. (mic thuds) uh, sorry. it's unlimited without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. (thud) uh... sorry, last thing. it's just $45 per line.

forty. five. (cheering and applause) and that is all the microphones that i have. (vo) unlimited on verizon. 4 lines, just $45 per line. ahow bad can it be?his? i want to introduce rose's boyfriend. i'm chris. [ suspenseful music ] something is weird. come in and sit with us. why can't i move? you're paralyzed. [ whispers ] get out. get out. get out. rated r. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

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is microsoyeah, it is.he ipad? just head to the app store and download it. now, you have microsoft word on your ipad pro and it works with apple pencil. word? word. word! yeah, word. wooooorrrddd. [upbeat music] - since trump's inauguration, here at "the daily show," we've been playing this game. it's called who's the real president? we sit around in the office and try and figure out who's really running the country. because you know it's not trump, right? we know it's not trump, and i figured, i was like, let me show you the current standings. the number one stop in this week's edition

of who's the real president goes to... [drum roll] [cheers and applause] steve bannon! [audience boos] yay, steve bannon. yay! and, guys, can i be honest with you, this tally wasn't even close, because in the past week we've learned so much about the power and influence that bannon has in the white house. - bannon played a key role in crafting president trump's extreme vetting order, that temporary ban on immigrants from seven predominantly muslim countries. - everyone is trying to figure out whether bannon or trump is in charge. - look at this "time" magazine cover. again, it's just-- it's astounding that this soon into a new administration, i don't know, i mean, maybe bannon's calling all the shots. - now if that wasn't true, then a certain cable news fan wouldn't have felt the need, less than an hour later, to tweet...

largely based on an accumulation of data? come on, man. trump and data have less of a relationship than trump and tiffany. come on, what are you like-- come on, come on. but trump's defensiveness is telling. it shows that even he realizes he needs to prove he's in control, and maybe someday he will be. but for now, let's congratulate steve bannon. as of this moment, you are the real president. the american people didn't elect you, but then again they kind of didn't elect trump either. now here it is, your moment of zen. - um, i think it's bull[bleep]. i mean, i'm not gonna get into it too deeply, but personally i think it's bull[bleep]. no. [cheers and applause] - [coughs]