between men. - mm-hmm. - so, yeah, anders. i care about what you think. - so you're just trying to make us forget that you paid a woman to pretend like she was [bleep] you, right? - yes. of course. - nice. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. and thank you for tuning in. my guest tonight from the fake news, jake tapper is here everybody! ( cheers and applause ) joining us. in the studio. but let's get right to the big story. last night, donald trump gave his first speech to congress as

president. and unlike his inauguration, everyone showed up. ( laughter ) bernie was there, and, unfortunately, so was ted cruz. mitch-- mcconnell-- yeah mitch mcconnell was there. is it just me or does mitch mcconnell always look like he's seeing the end of the world? ( laughter ) his face... like, that's the kind of face you make the first time you see your parents having sex. ( laughter ) anyway, everyone was gathered in the capitol to hear the president speak. and from the start, you knew it was going to be a special night, because not only did trump seem to enjoy relating to humans. he even wore a non-red die. laundry day will show you things. and then he went to the podium, "gentlemen, your menu for the night. i recommend the taco bowl, yes." guys, i gotta say, the tie don't lie. the speech got off to a good and unexpected start. >> as we mark the conclusion of our celebration of black history

month, we are reminded of our nation's path towards civil rights and the work that still remains to be done. recent threats-- ( applause ) >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) i don't know about you, but i didn't see that coming. i bet most black people didn't see that coming. ( laughter ) it felt like the "moonlight" oscav all over again, like... "yo (bleep). is this for real?" oh, and you know all those recent hate crimes he'd been taking he want for about not talking about? well, he talked about them. >> recent threats targeting jewish community centers and vandalism of jewish cemeteries, as well as looft week's shooting in capsas city, remind us that while we may be a nation divided on policies, we are a country

that stands united in condemning hate and evil in all of its very ugly forms. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: it all makes sense now. trump wasn't avoiding condemning those acts. he was just saving it for a special occasion. ( laughter ) it's like hate crime lingerie. ( laughter ) because, come on, let's be honest. if he condemned hate crimes all the time, we'd be like, "it's just not that hot anymore." ( laughter ) oh, and you know how he's been alienating all of our muslim allies? that's over, too. >> i directed the department of defense to develop a plan to demolish and destroy isis. we will work with our allies, including our friends and allies in the muslim world, to extinguish this vile enemy from our planet. ( applause ) ( laughter ) >> trevor: guys, don't tell me

that speech wasn't great. trump sailed "friends" and "muslims" in the same sentence. the only time you'd expect trump to say "friends" and "mulums" in the same sentence would be like,"friend, let's get those muslims." or it would be, "go bomb those muslims." "i want to watch 'friends'." but not with this speech. just look how proud his two dads, pence and ryan were. standing there in their identical outfits. who wore it better, guys. be honest, who wore it better? wow, wow! i mean, that's-- ( applause ) that's not a fair competition. paul ryan would look better than mike pence in anything, even mike paens hair, he probably-- that looks good. that looks good. it really does. ( laughter ) guys, last night's speech was pretty good. and you know what? if the speech were president, america wouldn't have so much to

worry about. unfortunately, the speech and the man reading the speech have nothing in common. ( laughter ) for example, trump's promise to help black people-- or as he calls them "inner cities." >> our neglected inner cities will see a rebirth of hope, safety, and opportunity. >> trevor: now, you see, that sounds great. it definitely sounds a lot better for black people than what attorney general part-time hobbit jeff sessions is doing. they are pulling back on owl federal investigations into police brutality. in fact, jeff sessions gives so few (bleep) about civil rights he made this decision would you want reading the reports on violence in both chicago and ferguson. it's true. he said he knows what they're about because he read the summary. which, i'm sorry, people, is (bleep). it's like someone saying they hate waffle house because of the smell when they walk past the

restaurant. shame on you. eat the food then throw up like the rest of us! ( applause ) you don't prejudge, people, you don't do it. all of the things president trump said don't seem to mawch upon with what he's doing. take the centerpiece of his economic plan, tax reform. >> my economic team is developing historic tax reform. we'll provide massive tax relief for the middle class. >> trevor: now, that sounds amazing, especially if you are a billionaire. because you see, trump's actual proposed tax plans won't help the middle class as advertised because if you read the fine print, you will see that the taxes will actually go up for most single-parent households, and married couples with three or more children. and on average, middle-class households would get a 2% cut or about a thousand bucks. but meanwhile, the super rich would get a 13% tax cut, more like $200,000. that's people like warren

buffet. you realize, through tax plans proposed by trump, warren buffet stands to gain $29 billion. $29 billion. warren buffet does not need 29 more billion dollars. he's even giving the money away. he's been like, "i don't want it! take more! take more. this is boomerang cash. take the money! i'm trying to give it away! i was trying to give it away! what are you doing, trump? " warren buffet needs more money like hemsworth needs more abs. that is not something he needs. sorry, where was i? oh, yeah, yeah. if last night was the first time you heard from donald trump, first of all, welcome to earth. shuprobably leave. and secondly-- ( laughter ) you would think judging by his speech that his administration would be cleaner than a freshly bleached anus. >> we have begun to drain the

swamp of government corruption by imposing a five-year ban on lobbying by executive branch officials. >> trevor: are you being serious in trump's cabinet is packed with oil and finance executives. of course they don't need to lobby anymore. now they run the government. that's a novel way to deal with the issue. it's like you have a raccoon problem and the animal control solves it by saying, "all right tall worked out. we sold your house to theica roon. now you rent from the raccoon. there you go! problem solved!" ( applause ) honestly, at some point, at some point, it sounds like trump was just straight up trolling us. >> my administration wants to work with members of both parties to promote clean air and clean water. glp get the (bleep) out of here, man! are you-- promote clean air and water? trump literally that morning dismantled a bunch of water

protection rules. and that's after he allowed mines to dump coal ash into streams, which who in their right mind? like, who in their right mind thinks that's a good idea? why would you dump coal ash in streams. nothing good will come from drinking coal ash, except now we know who farted. it was you, justin. everything in the speech-- climate, justice, middle class, corruption-- his whole speech was a giant decoy for what trump is actually doing. you know what it was like? it was like in one of those heist movies, you know, while the fake blue-tie donald trump was distracting with us his speech, the real trump was behind the scenes pulling off the hit job. and instead of noticing it, we're like those dumb security guards watching the security cameras going, "does something seem off to muof you?" "wait a minute we're all good.

he's wearing the blue tie." last night was slicker than any "ocean 11s" movie and we thought it would make a agreement movie of its own. >> a presidency they said he's never win. an address they said he'd never give, and now donald trump is going to pull off the greatest heist of all time, with a little help from... the real donald trump. >> we know that america's better off-- >> everything good? >> yeah. he's looking presidential. >> and he's coming for all of it. ♪ ♪ ( siren ). >> america's water. >> my administration wants to promote clean air and clean water. >> america's money. >> historic tax reform. it will be a big, big cut. >> and america's civility. >> the time for trivial fights is behind us. >> when there's a job to be done, well done, there's only

one person you can rely on. in theaters for the next four years. if you're lucky. >> trevor: we'll be right back. slow wifi at home... guess i'm studying at the gym tonight. that is rough. you know... ipad pro has lte like your phone, so you can get internet pretty much anywhere.

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"the daily show." so, looft night donald trump gave his first annual address to a joint session of congress. and by tradition, this speech is followed by a rebuttal from the opposition party. it was the first real chance for the democrats to show who they will be in the era of trump. >> i'm steve beshear. i was governor the kentucky from 2007 to 2015. i'm a proud democrat, but first and foremost, i'm a proud republican. >> trevor: nailed it! ( laughter ) ( applause )

( cheers ) to be fair, to be fair, to be fair, become a republican is probably the democrats' next hope of winning another election. so i get it. obviously that's not what the former governor of kentucky meant to say. but don't worry, don't worry, people. his recovery was flawless. >> i'm a proud democrat, but first and foremost, i'm a proud republican and democrat and mostly american. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: "i'm a democrat. i'm a republican." that is so embarrassing for him. on the bright side, they've just announced that next year they're going to get him to announce best picture at the oscars. yay! ( applause ) so, hard-core democrats weren't feeling trump's speech, but a lot of other folks were, with polls showing that people who

watched it overwhelmingly thought that trump did a good job. you know who must have so proud? putin. ( laughter ) i bet he's carrying around a photo from the speech in his wallet like, "my boy is so grown up. feels like yesterday i carry him to election win." ( laughter ) and after trump performed his 55s on the, a lot of former enemies of the people, well, they made a pivot of their own. >> a more presidential trump. >> it was noticeably different. >> he sounded more presidential. >> he pivoted. >> he knows when to pivot. >> even his critics admit he sounded more presidential. >> this is a pivot to becoming a president. >> tonight, donald trump became the president of the united states. >> trevor: all trump did was read a speech off a teleprompter. that's all he did. ( applause ) that's all he did. he read off the teleprompter without flying off the rails. you know how they say you're not supposed to shoot the messenger?

maybe also don't suck the messenger's (bleep), either. how about that? don't get he wrong. if this was the first time that's tha trump dialed it down, i would get the hype, i would give get it complietly. but he's pulled this (bleep) over and over again and every time the media falls for it. >> he's getting more presidential, if you will. he's using notes. >> i think we have seen something of a donald trump pivot. >> donald trump in the last three weeks has been appearing more presidential. >> it feels like donald trump is trying to be more presidential. >> i feel like we're in the movie "groundhog day." we keep talking about the donald trump pivot every week. >> trevor: so why do you keep on saying it. people in "groundhog" day don't know they're in groundhog day. that's why they keep doing want same thing. you don't have to be a genius to know donald trump is playing you. you look at his record and study his previous actions. or you know what else you could do? you could just listen to him when he tells you he's going to fake it. >> i can act presidential as

well as anybody who has been president president. presidential is easy. you know what presidential is? i walk on... ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen of waterbury, it is a great honor to be with you this morning. >> trevor: yeah. fake like you're presidential, and people will believe you're presidential. this was the plan all along. and last night was clearly its big debut. >> presidential's easy. you know what presidential is? i walk on. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: i'll-- i'll give you this-- it's not "hamilton" but it's a pretty good act. we wan hi i'm paul,

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is cnn's chief washington correspondent and anchor of "the lead with jake tapper," and "state of the union." please welcome jake tapper. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show, jake tapper. >> thank you, sir it's nice to be here. >> trevor: the face of fake news. >> that bothers because you're the face of fake news. ( laughter ). >> trevor: i'm-- you're leaning on my-- >> i'm sorry. >> trevor: i don't appreciate that. what are you going through right now in because it is not very often that as journalists, as a media organization, you get to be the face-- or as donald trump calls it-- the enemy of the people. how does that feel right now? >> well, calling us the enemy of the people is just nuts. i mean, we're the media.

we're the fourth estate. we have a tradition of eing one of the watchdogs over people in power. i think he is hostile to any check or balance bns. what's interesting about the term "fake news" is, asun, this is a real thing. there are sometimes fed by the russians or other governments lies, sthars are just not true, about a pizzeria in washington where they torture children and it's all tied to the clintons. i mean, just nonsense, crazy stuff. that's fake news. the president and the white house have used the term to apply to stories they don't like. >> trevor: i don't understand how so many people were so quick to say this is a pivot to presidential. >> well, i didn't say that last night. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: i know you didn't. i'm saying it appears-- >> it was, as you note, in the show today, it was a fine speech. >> trevor: yeah. >> and a decent performance. the policies and the positions

that he holds are as, if not more important, i think, and the fact is that some of the things he has said and done have been completely contrary to the ideals and aspirations that he voiced in the speech. i mean, he-- for instance, he condemned wholeheartedly, passionately, eloquently, the hate crimes. >> trevor: yeah. >> that's how he started the speech. it was really nice. it was a little late in coming. it was literally a year ago yesterday that i interviewed him and tried to get him to distance himself from the ku klux klan and david duke. >> trevor: yes, and i think i remember, "i don't know about that." >> you're asking me to condemn groups i don't know about. >> trevor: it's like it's the k.k.k. >> it's david duke. >> trevor: "i don't know. there are many "k"s in my

world jake. i don't know." >> my only point is that would have been a good moment for-- it's really honest let's easiest question in politics is, "will you condemn the ku klux klan?" ( laughter ). >> trevor: yes. can i ask you an honest question-- how are you keeping a straight face? as the media, how do you not get angry? like, do you have to work to compose expwrurs go, "we are the fourth estate. we're the news. i'm trying to remain impartial and truthful"? >> well, first of all, on the face thirng a lot of botox. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i can't-- the truth of the matter is that it's not partisan to want facts and the truth. and it's not partisan to expect decency from people, and

especially our leaders. >> trevor: donald trump said we're going to put these little fights behind us, but then immediately after the speech, mike pence went to all the news stations to comment and nobody came to cnn. >> you noticed. >> trevor: i noticed. i was like where's pence? and he wasn't on your shows. as journalists, as cnn, can you still do your job without access to the presidency? do you need the president to say, "come into my house and let me tell you what i'm doing." >> let me tell you something-- the idea that we need to have them come on our shows and that we should calibrate our coverage, that's a-- from a bygone era. cnn is kick ass. ( cheers and applause ) cnn is-- we are covering him fairly and aggressively. we are breaking stories about the investigations into him and his campaign. we don't need access to them. if they don't want to come on our show, they are giving up air time and an audience that wants to hear from them. but that's on them. >> trevor: i agree with that. thank you so much.

>> thank you so much. >> trevor: thank you. you can watch "the lead with jake tapper" weekdays at 4:00 p.m. and "state of the union" on sundays at 9:00 a.m. and noon on cnn. jake tapper, everybody!

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is microsoyeah, it is.he ipad? just head to the app store and download it. now, you have microsoft word on your ipad pro and it works with apple pencil. word? word. word! yeah, word. wooooorrrddd. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. student, "@midnight" is coming up next. here it is your moment of zen. >> is trump sounding more presidential as mr. manafort projects? there's so much speculation over

the last few days. we begin to see a new donald trump. [cheers and applause] >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight, so make sure to turn back your clocks! don't get mad when you turn your clocks back and it's not for a couple more weeks. last night was the first speech to a joint session of congress from current president and former mozzarella stick donald trump. he was flanked by mike pence and paul ryan, who spent the whole time looking so proud, like they just found out the death star was fully operational. [laughing] [ applause ] >> chris: really. we can fire on planets now.