oh, this is our researcher zak's 1986 sweet toyota pickup truck that i've driven in a few bits. runs great, has low mileage -- if you consider less than a 1/4 million low. which i do not. there's no reserve on this, so i want you to keep the bids small. we haven't decided what we'll do with the money yet, but we're open to all of your suggestions. happy bidding. okay, go. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. and thank you for tuning in. we have a great show for you tonight. from the new movie "chips," actor michael pena is joining us, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we'll have a lot of fun chatting to him about the film.

but first, let's just say you won a big soccer game in south africa. what's the one thing you should definitely not say in your postgame interview? this. >> thank you very much for this, for giving me this. and i appreciate my fans, also. my wife and my girlfriend-- i mean, my wife. yeah, sorry. i'm so sorry. my wife lizu, i love you so much. >> trevor: gooooooooooooooooo sleep on the couch tonight. ( laughter ) "my wife and my girlfriend-- oh, my girlfriend, no my wife. look at that." african sean spicer over here. the guy just thanked his wife and his girlfriend on live tv. i bet he's going to go home and find an empty apartment with the red card on the bed. that's all that's going to be there. and while we're on africa, these days it feels like everyone is getting banned from coming to america but honestly, this is

one of the craziest stories i have heard so far. >> an annual summit addressing economic and development in africa was missing one crucial element this year-- africans. the university of southern california brings together delegations from all over africa to meet with u.s. leaders every year. but this year, 100% of the visas for african attendees were denied. >> this year, the african summit had no africans. ( laughter ) >> trevor: how are you going to stop africans from coming to a conference for africans? that's like comic-con putting up a sign that says, "you must have had this much sex to enter." it's not fair. it's not right. this is crazy. every single african who planned to attend an economic development summit in the u.s. had their visa denied. yeah. they're going to be making decisions about the future of africa without talking to africans. which i guess is pretty much par for the course. you know. americans sitting around the table going, "well i guess if we have no objections, then we're

going to take the diamond. yeah, we're take the diamonds? good? good. wow, this went easier than i thought. all right, let's move on." let's do that. let's move on to someone who will have no problem getting in. supreme court nominee neil gorsuch just completed the third day of his confirmation hearing. now, if you remember, merrick garland, obama's nominee, was supposed to be the the judge sitting in that seat, but the republicans who control the senate never gave him the rose. the good news is next season he's going to be the bachelor. very exciting. the first black one, too, i like that. and i'll tell you who hasn't forgotten about merrick garland, the republicans, because in this hearing, instead of exercising their sacred constitutional duty to advise and consent on a lifetime appointment to the highest court in the land, they were just, as we say back home, dicking about. >> would you tell me where your favorite fishing stream is? and don't say no tell 'em creek. >> what's the largest trout you ever caught?

>> oh, my son, dalen, teenager said ask him if he would rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or one horse-sized duck. >> how in the world is gorsuch able to go so many hours at a time without peeing. >> boy, i don't even know what to stay. >> trevor: "oh, boy, i don't even know what to say." me, too. ( laughter ) i mean, it's so funny. here's another question, "would you rather roll back the rights of 100 tiny gays or one giant woman?" ( laughter ) oh, just kidding. you don't have to choose. you don't have to choose. oh! ( applause ) you know what this whole hearing reminded me of? i reminded me of that seen in a heist movie where the criminals can't believe they got away with the greatest theft of all time, all of them sitting around, "who would have thought we'd steal it from obama? yeah, suck it, democrats! here's to the safecracker, the pussy grabber. hip-hip hooray."

you came through, you came through." so, obviously, all the republicans were loving gorsuch, but there was one guy who was in love. >> you take a poor little kid, you find a sheet, and you attach the one to the other. his best shot at that age-- we're talking in his 70s, late 70s-- was from the free-throw line, back up over his head, like that. and he could hit it pretty regularly. i tell my kids hold on monkey style, really get in there, get around it. if you sit up right, go flying right off, right? >> trevor: wow. ( laughter ) i haven't seen ted cruz that giddy since that one time he got a linkedin request. "see, somebody likes me." ( laughter ) look at that smile, huh. that's a man who is reconsidering same-sex unions.

if gay marriage is wrong, i don't want to be right." and you know what? it's not hard to see why ted cruz fell so hard for gorsuch. i mean, not only is the man handsome, athletic, and a living symbol of a historic republican power grab. he also speaks like he's starring in every action movie ever. >> nobody speaks for me. nobody. i speak for me. i'm a judge. senator, those are not my words. and i and would never have said them. you only have one client now-- law. no man is above the law. you better believe i expect judicial decrees to be obeyed. nobody will capture me. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: oooooh! like i say, ever need someone to stand in for tom crews, i know

just the man. >> process him. get him to county. >> nobody will capture me. ( laughter ) >> excuse me. >> trevor: now, ladies, in case you're wondering, judge gorsuch is taken. and judging by the way he and his wife were behaving at the confirmation, it's safe to say they also have a lifetime appointment. in bed. no, no, but seriously, watch her eyebrows when he turns to her. >> mr. chairman, i could not even attempt to do this without louise, my wife of more than 20 years. the sacrifices she has made, and her open and giving heart, they leave me in awe. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you don't need to be a love expert to know what that means. ( laughter ) i had an uncle who used to do that once, but he had an

involuntary twitch. everyone thought he was trying to smash. ( laughter ) seriously, these two can't keep their hands off each, not even for a couple of hours in the senate. >> i love you so much. >> trevor: you know, all you need to do is forget everyone in the room, though, and you see how bad they want to bang gavels. >> i could not even attempt to do this without louise. my wife of more than 20 years. i love you so much. ♪ ♪ oh, yeah. oh. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you know ted cruz is going to make his wife we're a neil gorsuch mask tonight. year, it's on. speaking of people being

screwed, the democrats, man, they are in such a tough position. you realize their only hope of blocking trump's nominee would be to ask gorsuch a question so tricky, that he would stumble and say something disqualifying, but, unfortunately for them, gorsuch's deflection game was on supreme. >> i cannot talk about specific cases. that would be improper. and i can't get involved in politics. and i'm not, with all respect, senator, going to get involved in politics. i can't get involved in politics. since i became a judge, 10 years ago, i have a cannon of ethics that precludes me from getting involved in any way, shape, or form in politics. >> trevor: man, look, obviously, this dude is qualified. i mean, i'm not a lawyer, you know. the only law i know is the law of the streets, yo. ( laughter ) yield before right turn, son. h.o.v. lanes are reserve forward carpooling.

(bleep). street laws. ( laughter ) but when judge gorsuch says,ive" don't want to get involved in politics," i don't buy it. because when you read his rulings, a lot of the times, he goes out of his way to slip his politics in. like, for instance, back in 2013, his court heard a case about paying for birth control, and he wrote a separate opinion just so that he could add that he wanted it to be easier for religious employers noto the pay for their workers' birth control. that's a political opinion. or in 2014, gorsuch's court knocked down a campaign finance regulation, and gorsuch wrote a separate opinion, which he didn't have to, suggesting that courts should be much harder on all campaign finance laws. those aren't just legal rulings. those are his political views. which is fine, but then you can't sit in front of congress and pretend you don't have any political views. and this guy ducked politics hard, no matter how they asked him, he kept bobbing and weaving. it was so frustrating watch together whole time.

so when the senators went for break, we sent roy wood jr. to the hearing to ask more questions. ( laughter ). >> judge, look, i know you-- just a quick question. it's been three weeks, and there's still no winner of the nicki minaj rap beat. how would you rule? >> i can't talk about specific cases. >> here we go. >> or controversies that might come before me. and i can't get involved in politics. >> she said this about nikki. before the butt job you were a spongebob (bleep) the captain of the butt squad. please explain how remy isn't the winner. up to the listen to the song right now? >> i appreciate the invitation, but i know the other side has their views of it and your side has your views of it. that, by definition is politics. >> all right, fine, fine. final question. you see the video of the big-assed chicken? >> oh, my goodness, yes. >> huge.

like a wolf. >> trevor: nice try, roy. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪boys are boys and girls are joys♪ ♪ ♪to you and me they're more than toys♪ ♪ ♪gonna find one so i won't be lonely♪ ♪she'll be mine forever only ♪and when i do it'll be alright♪ ♪wee hoo ♪i tell ya now! ♪boys are boys and girls are joys♪

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bracket, to be honest, is not doing well. i picked duke to win every game. big mistake. i'm still learning. but here at the "the daily show" we're doing our own bracket tournaments "third month mania." to catch up on the current standings, let's go out to roy wood jr. and hasan minhaj. ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah, welcome back to "third month mania," where donald trump's tweets compete against each other for the title of "greatest trump tweet of all time." >> over five million votes have been cast. although, trump claims three million of those votes were illegal. >> yup. ( laughter ) now, we started with 64 tweets, but now we're down to the sad 16. >> sad! >> and it's up to you to pick which tweets advance to the next round. >> oh, such a tough choice. it's like picking a favorite child. it is impossible, unless, of course, you're my dad. ( laughter ) he clearly loves my sister more. >> she did go to law school, man. ( laughter )

you gotta let that go. let's look at a couple of key trump tweet match-ups in the government affairs region. now, hasan, this is my pick to advance. "are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence?" ( laughter ) >> i'm pretty sure we'll find out, roy. ( applause ) >> year, we will. ( cheers and applause ). >> yup. >> we will. we're going to find out, and then it's president pence time. >> oooh! you know what that means? he turns us all gay with his conversion therapy. >> i'm pretty sure that's not how it works. >> oh. that's too bad. anyway, that tweet is going head to head with one of my favorites, "the concept that global warming was created by and for the chinese in order to make the u.s. manufacturing noncompetitive." ( laughter ) >> ridiculous. it's ridiculous. the chinese don't have time to invent global warming. >> you're right, roy. they're too busy making donald trump's giant ties. give it to me. there we go. give it to me. give it to me. >> yeah!

>> another match-up in the enemies region. >> now this tweet, it's only a month old, but it's already holding its own, hasan. "how low has president obama gonen to tapp-- two "p"s-- my phone during the very sacred election process? this is nixon-watergate. bad (or sick) guy." flag on the play. >> no, no. >> flago the play. we have a side vote with unnecessary use of parentheses. why either/or? you can be bad and sick. >> yes, like steve bannon. he's both bad and sick. ( laughter ) >> exactly! my god, what's wrong with him? >> i got a theory, roy. this is my theory. steve bannon was curseed by a wicked witch, and now he's cursed to forever look how america feels. ( laughter ) >> that makes sense. >> that tweet's good, but it's got some serious competition right now, roy, from this one:

"mitt romney had his chance to beat a failed president, but he choked like a dog. now he calls me racist, but i am the least racist person there is." >> he-- >> but he is obviously overcompensating here, roy. we know there are so many people that are less racist than donald trump. like me. i'm way less racist. i work with all these black people, and you never hear me complaining. ( laughter ) >> what would you complain about? >> come on, roy. you know the way you guys are. ( laughter ) >> audience: oh! >> anyway, we're out of time, you guys. so go to thirdmonthmania.com, and vote for which tweet you think should advance to the next round. back to you, trevor. >> say it again, say it again. >> you know, you're doing it again. i'm calling h.r. right now. pam? no, you know what? >> trevor: thanks guys, we'll be right back. this is the original light beer.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight stars in the upcoming movie "chips."

>> can we get a to-go box? >> you can eat it later. ( laughter ) >> classic! always deflecting. >> oh! deflecting! why don't you stop using that word? >> do you even know what the word means? >> yeah. >> i have a great example. >> give me an example. >> it's when a guy is super embarrassed about taking his third dump before 11 a.m. so he makes fun of his partner's shirt, deflecting. >> why are you counting how many times i go to the bathroom. >> hard to mis. >> it's pervy. >> why don't you drop it? >> trevor: please welcome michael pena. ( cheers and applause ) >> wow they even stand up. thank you very much. i've never had that. >> trevor: yes, yes, they have been known to stand. >> yeah. >> trevor: they have been known to stand. >> people can stand. >> trevor: people know they go "the daily show," the standing

audience. i know them well. welcome to the show, man. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: really, really excited to have you here. and congratulations on "chips." i'm excited because it's a remake, but luckily you guys have changed some of the stories so even if you're a fan ofs can chipof"chips," it's not like thy know what's happening. >> it's stuff exploding, people naked, and comedy. >> trevor: i like that, stuff exploding, people naked, comedy. sounds like the trump administration in a nutshell. i like that. i'm in. i'm already in. i can ask you questions, it's not about stunts and stuff, people always ask that about movies "did you do the stunts?" did you know how to ride a motor bike and do you ride one now? >> i had, like, four weeks 99 to prepare, and, like initiate actor's mind you think,"i got this. i got this." and as soon as i went on stage i'm like, "i could die. man, this is real, man." >> trevor: did you have to act while riding? >> well i was-- at that point they were like, "okay he's not that good." you know, i was just being

pulled. ( laughter ) (bleep) i was trying-- like, in reality they're like, "mike, can you not-- can you not go back. just keep it straight." i was like, "right, right, right, don't do this." >> trevor: that's hilarious. you're trying to do that thing but on a bike. >> "you know, mildred, this is one of those situations..." and you have to cut to the bike swervingly all over the place. >> i was that guy. i was like, "yeah, yeah, so anyway," i'm like... >> trevor: you know one thing that excite meas you is you're one of those people everyone knows in movies. we see your face. we see you climbing up the hierarchy. what is genuinely exciting for me is seeing your career progress. you have gone from gang banger number one, gang banger number three. >> gang leader. >> trevor: gang leader. are you on the billboards. you're in the starring credits. how does that feel? >> it feels good. you know, not auditions is great, you know, like just getting offers is cool. like, you just got an offer from this producer, don, to build a

wall. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so i might have a lot of work. you know what i mean? ( laughter ) >> trevor: you-- i-- >> i just thought of that. i'm like i don't know how i'm going to fit it in. maybe, maybe. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you did a good job. your-- >> my heart is racing. >> trevor: your parents-- >> it's thrilling, right, it's thrilling. this is fun. here we go. >> trevor: it's like riding a bike again. i love it. the-- you know, you share a story with so many americans. your parents came to this country. >> yeah. >> trevor: as undocumented immigrants. >> twice, yeah. they were deported when i was one years old. >> trevor: wow. >> and so i had to live with another family for a year, and then they came back. >> trevor: and now you look at your story and where you've gotten to, i mean, if you were to-- to lobby to anyone who would listen, i mean, someone goes like, "yeah, all these mexicans, they're criminals, they're rapists, they're this,

they're that," but like-- >> they never met my family. >> trevor: that's really what it is. ( applause ) that's really what it is. >> yeah. >> trevor: do you-- is there a small part of you that goes-- is there a small part of you that goes, every role you're doing-- you know, like you stay, you've broken up on the of the stereotypes, it's for the kids, for others to look up to. >> you know, where i grew up, you know what i mean, in chicago, there's italian, polish, you're, and latin and i consider myself an american but i know that i'm a mexican american. so every part they play, i try to, like, just change the name, even. like, also, i don't look like a jack johnson or something like that. you know what i mean? i just-- i just do my little thing and, you know, and fiinspire any kid to, you know, follow in my shoes, that's good stuff. >> trevor: i genuinely think you do, man. it's powerful to see you up there. it's great to see you changing and breaking stereotypes and being funny at the same time. >> oh, i appreciate it, man. >> trevor: much appreciated. thank you so much for being

here. thank you so much. "chips" opens in theaters march 24. michael pena, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [music plays throughout] [music fades out]

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but our past is just that, past. we are pioneers. so our greatest achievements can't lay behind us, because our destiny lies ahead. that's what it means to drive the world forward. that's what it means to dare. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: here tyour moment of zen. >> no one remembers who john

hancock was. but they know that that's his signature. because he wrote his name so bigley-- big and boldly. >> you just said bigley ( laughter ) ored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> chris: 29 minutes until midnight am i will tell you an incredible story, the story of how i met your moth e tomorrow the house will vote to repeal obamacare so if you are thinking about getting a life threateddening illness to bankrupt you and your family, today's the day! republicans need 216 votes and only have a margin of error of 21 vote swiss much smaller than 3 million vote margin of error error they needed to win the election that is why steve bannon said donald trump to convince republican task take

he