ly play the game. oh, yeah. okay, kenny, add eyes of the beast to your hotbar. stan, check your fury talents to boost your shouts... got it. captioning made possible by comedy central captioned by soundwriters™ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah! we have a great show for you tonight. singer zara larsson will be with us here tonight, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but first, breaking news from the vatican. >> a little girl's family may never let her forget her meeting with pope francis. >> this little 3-year-old took the holy father's skull cap, all caught on video, estella

westrick of atlanta, gave the pope a kiss and grabbed his hat. the pontiff got it back, he was laughing. >> trevor: ha ha ha! that was funny! i hope it was worth eternity in hell. ( laughter ) you know what the worst part is? the pope almost had to switch to his backup hat, the fedora, the international sign of celibacy, a child undressing a priest for a change. that's a story. ( audience reacts ) i take your oohs and put them in my ooh jar. thank you very much. moving from the infallible to the soul-fallable. president trump. he generates tons of news. he's like a kardashian inside a white bronco chase inside a missing malaysian flight. we have to speed date our stories in our brand-new segment

ain't nobody got time for that. ( cheers and applause ) let's begin with early this morning. breaking news from "time magazine" with a fresh rambling monologue straight from the mouth of the slam poet in chief. >> a transcript of that interview includes this -- i inherited a mess in so many ways, i inherited a mess in the middle east and the mess with north korea. i inherited a mess with jobs, despite the statistics. you know, my statistics are even better but they are not the real statistics because you have millions of people who can't get a job, okay? and i inherited a mess on trade. i mean, we have many. you can go up and down the ladder, but that's the story. hey, look, in the meantime, i guess i can't be doing so badly because i'm president and you're not. say hello to everybody, okay? ( laughter ) >> trevor: i know trump stays away from alcohol, but every time i read his quotes, it makes me think i'm drunk. ( laughter ) i opened this article today and i was, like, man, someone needs to take my keys, i can't drive.

i can't drive after this. ( laughter ) now, we could spend time talking about how, in reality, president trump inherited a robust economy that he really can't take credit for and jobs are going up but we don't have time because later today -- >> other big news on capitol hill, the showdown over neil gorsuch. >> top senate democrat chuck schumer said he cannot support gorsuch's confirmation and will lead a filibuster against him! >> trevor: oh, snap! we got a filibuster, yo! yeah, when you delay something by talking, aka the old lady at the cash register of political tactics. normally, it might be worth going into how much this might cost mitch mcconnell to get rid of the fill bust which are has been one of the main moderating forces in american politics. guess what? no time. because russia and trump and former campaign manager and sylvester stallone look alike paul manafort.

>> the associated press reporting paul manafort secretly worked with the russian billionaire to advance the interest of vladimir putin. >> in 2006, manafort signed a $10 million contract with russian billionaire oleg derapaska to, as manafort purportedly describe it, greatly benefit the putin government by long i didn't think and influencing news service. >> we'll offer a service that can focus internally and externally the policies of the putin government. >> trevor: the former head of donald trump's presidential campaign had been earning $10 million a year to make putin and his government look good. remember those famous pictures on putin shirtless on a horse? manafort directed that photoshoot. work it, vlad, work it!

oh, but it shows my nipples! no, you are beautiful, vlad! we don't have time to cover trump's weak presidency because there's one story we have to make time for. healthcare. >> breaking news in the health care showdown. there will be no health care vote tonight. >> breaking news, the art of no deal. ( laughter ) >> trevor: are you serious? seven years? the day that the republicans have been planning for seven years arrives and all of a sudden they don't have their bleep together? you know, it's weird to be living in a world where musicians put more planning into their work than politicians ( applause ) look at drake and beyonce. they planned their albums in private and one day surprise us and it's perfect. these republican geniuses have

been hyping themselves for seven years running through the streets -- new album coming out! new album coming out! and if you were following the story it was so easy to see it was not going to end well. >> drama building ahead of the critical vote on health care. >> it's been a frantic push to the senate. >> do or die moment to get it passed. >> g.o.p. revealing last minute tweaks to the bill overnight. >> whatever the changes are going to be no one knows precisely because no one has seen that revision yet. >> trevor: do you understand how bad this looks? this is health care reform, the most important domestic bill this year. republicans have full control of the entire government and somehow they've turned it into wal-mart on a black friday. ( laughter ) actually, those people are getting things done. look, it's simple -- ( applause ) it's simple what happened here. with this health care plan, donald trump and paul ryan basically baked a turd, a turd

so bad even their own party wouldn't eat it. instead of going back and trying to bake a pie, which is what normal people would do, they instead spent all their energy trying to convince everyone in their party to eat (bleep). the problem is everyone in their party wants something different. the far right wants this -- >> the conservative freedom caucus wants to decrease the cost of health care premiums but rolling back the affordable care act essential health benefits which mandates coverage for emergency room visits, maternity care, prescription drugs and mental health care. >> trevor: i see! so basically the far right says we like everything about the bill except for the health and the care part. that's all. that's all. really? and on top of that, you're going to cut mental health care? i feel like that's the one thing we'll all need under trump's presidency. that's the one thing we're all going to need, all of us.

so the far right says cut people's benefits. the only problem is moderate republicans hate that idea because they're still human. in order to win over the moderates, trump showed them love the only way he knows how, with money. >> talk about giveaways, upstate new york republicans got $2 billion for getting their vote. >> paying billions of dollars for medicaid costs, it would not apply to new york city. >> trevor: so to be clear, predominantly republican upstate new york wouldn't have to pay for medicaid but new york city, which is mostly democrats, still would. that's (bleep). you know why? because new yorkers don't have money. they spent it all on buying their giant mayor food. that's what they did. that's an actual life-size picture of him, by the way. i met him.

after all these concessions, trump and ryan didn't have enough to pass the bill because going into the vote everyone knows the democrats will vote against it so trump and rhine can only afford to lose 21 republican votes. unfortunately for them up to 40 republicans are leaning against it. at first trump was, like, who cares about the votes? i have the electoral college! and they explained to him that's not how it works. and so now if you're trump and facing down an embarrassing defeat, you've got no choice but to turn on your trademark charm. >> president trump twisting arms, threatening jobs to win support for the g.o.p. health care plan. >> president trump is issuing a stern warning to republicans telling them they could lose their seats in 2018 if they fail to approve the new health care plan. >> shortly after meeting with house republicans president trump joking he might actually be better off without congress. >> trevor: if i were a republican congressman, i would

just call trump on his bluff. "i'm going to get everyone to vote against you!" "oh, really? who am i? what district am i from?" "um, district nine?" he doesn't know who these people are. it's crazy what republicans were willing to do to get bill passed. backroom deals, rewrite it in the middle of the night and rush it for a vote before anyone could read it. this is less of a-ok repeal and more of a despicable obamacare remix. because everything the g.o.p. is doing now is more extreme version of the same things they pitched about burg obamacare's passage eight years ago. >> a lot of people will be watching that's why they will wait till the dead of night hoping people aren't paying attention. >> back room deals, more to have the same, more why the american people want congress to scrap this bill.

>> their proposal of ramming this reckless proposal through before anybody gets to see it. >> if you rush it before before anybody knows what it is, not good democracy. >> trevor: feels like the politicians are the only ones who get less wise with age. hey, republicans, look, i know that you're excited that you're finally in power, with but slow down because health care is a long-term commitment, not a one-night stand. take it from me, premature legislation doesn't make anybody happy. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) #

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to friendship. music: (piano cover of guns n' roses "sweet child o' mine) ♪ this is how many people were born here. this many are fifth generation.

this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. he keeps the town dry. they'd prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this. >> trevor: welcome back to"the ! ( cheers and applause ) we spent a lot of time discussing american stupidity, but we sometimes forget that stupidity knows know borders. why would it? it's stupid. for more, we're joined by senior international correspondent ronny chieng, everybody! >> thanks, trevor. i'm actually kind of from australia which you might not know because of my perfect american accent. it's true. i lived down under many years. everybody thinks australians are crazy crocodile wrestlers. you don't know the half of it.

>> lee full of bravado and bragging to a girl he just met deliberately plunged into crocodile-infested waters. >> i started telling them about how backpackers are more likely to get eaten by a crocodile than australians. so i decided to go down the river and test the theory. >> the british tourist he had been trying to impress could only watch in horror as the crock attacked snapping on to his arm. >> i never heard a guy scream like that. >> what pisses me off, why people think australia is dangerous. i lived there ten years. nothing happened. australia is perfectly safe as long as you stay out of the river, out of the outback, off the streets -- basically stay in the opera house, totally safe, except for the opera snakes. ( laughter ) point is australia can be dangerous if you're a dumbass.

a car wash can be danger -- dans if you're a dumbass. why did he drown? i don't know, he's a dumbass. what would make somebody do something this dumb? >> how many drinks had you had at that point? >> about ten cups. >> as an australian, goon is australian for boxed wine and ten cups is australian for light refreshment. i don't care how much you drink, that is not how you pick up women, all right in this guy's at parties like, mate, trust me, mate, all you need is a (bleep) crocodile and three pints of blood and you're in! ( laughter ) hemingway wrote a book about it, it's called farewell to arms. ( laughter ) the most annoying thing is how he regrets nothing. >> despite being a north queensland local and growing up knowing the dangers of crocks in

waterways, the young man denies he's done anything wrong. >> hater's gonna hate. ( cheers and applause ) >> haters gonna hate? mate, those aren't haters, those are medical professionals. they're not hating, they're trying to keep you from bleeding to death! ( laughter ) seems like your stupid plan may have worked. >> as for the girl he risked his life for, at least as it's paid off, he's convinced her to go on a movie date. ( laughter ) >> what are you doing? you cannot reward this behavior, all right? because now every dumbass horny 18-year-old is going to try to slap an apex predator because apparently that's what the girls like, (bleep) millennials! ( laughter ) this whole story is disproving natural selection, all right? because the guy who jumps into the crocodile's mouth is not supposed to get to breathe, all

right? but here's the kicker -- >> tell us about the backpacker? why is she so special? >> uh, she's not really, just another girl. but she's really good looking. ( audience reacts ) >> so -- after all that, you (bleep) up on an unforced error! mate, even the crocodile is, like, yo, what are you doing? i was trying to be your wing man! i had it all lined up for you! ( cheers and applause ) yeah! you looked like a bad-ass! the chick dig the scars, you get all the sympathy and you still blew it! all right, we can fix this, just give me the other arm. ( laughter ) if the crocodile plan doesn't work out, you know what they say, there's plenty of man-eating sharks in the sea to (bleep) around with. trevor? >> trevor: ronny chieng, everybody. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪(music plays)

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who do you think tobacco companies are targeting? do we get to keep any? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a swedish singer/song writer who's debut album is called so good. please welcome zara larsson! ( cheers and applause ) >> whoo! thank you! >> trevor: please don't fall. >> usually, these don't roll. >> trevor: oh, yeah, mine roll. >> all right! >> trevor: if you fell -- >> yeah? >> trevor: -- that would have been the best video ever. it would have been viral, and then i would have helped you up, and i would have said, i'm very sorry. welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: congratulations on all your success. you are a very talented

individual. you won the american version of sweden's got talent when you were ten. >> yeah. >> trevor: you won that when you were ten years old, but did you know then you wanted to be a professional singer? >> absolutely. that's why i was in the show because that was the only show that accepted someone who was ten because i think "x factor" was not on. i knew you had to be 16 in all these shows and i just really wanted to perform in front of people so that was my only option. >> trevor: you made a great deal of your only option because you went on to become extremely successful. your debut album went on to become a number one streaming artist for a female artist. 1.4 billion streams? congratulations. that's a lot of streams. let's talk a little bit about the new album "so good." first international album. is that how you're feeling now? so good? >> very. that's how i really feel.

i feel like the feedback has been so positive and people have been so nice and my twitter mentions and everything i see online is just good. so i feel amazing. i feel like -- i feel like very relieved, yeah. >> trevor: i don't know if all your mentions are good, though, because -- >> about the album. >> trevor: i followed your tweets -- yeah, the album, the response is great. you tweeted a while ago, paul ryan is a little bitch. >> i said that. that's what i said. ( cheers and applause ) all right. >> trevor: do you get flack for sharing your political views, you know, because you're a pop star? >> right. >> trevor: i'm sure some people say this is not your place? >> well, yes, they do. but i feel like i don't really have a lot of political experiences, but trump doesn't, so... ( laughter ) you know what i'm sayin'? i feel like i'm good. you know, i have a voice and i have an opinion and i usually

write a lot about feminism. >> trevor: i remember one of the first times i became aware of you was with that video that you hadi you put your leg through a condom, or you wore a condom. do we have that? i think we have that. >> yeah, a photo. >> trevor: you wore a condom on your leg. >> you see how stretchable it is? it's all the way up to my knee. >> trevor: that was basically you saying this is for guys who say, baby, it can't fit. >> yeah. >> trevor: i was, like, how do we know what size your legs are? ( laughter ) >> yeah, but i was very surprised. i don't know why i did it in the first place, but what made me actually put it on my foot -- >> trevor: what did make you put it on your foot? >> i have no idea. >> trevor: first of all, what is the condom doing -- who has a condom laying around and goes, i should put this this on my foot. >> well, i had so many -- >> trevor: okay. >> -- i felt like -- i had a

whole bag of them. ( laughter ) >> trevor: which is good. >> which is good. you should stay protected. >> trevor: this is good. >> yeah, so, actually, i got them given to me because in sweden we have youth clinics, and usually schools go there and they talk about sex and they talk about everything that has to do with it and they give the kids just a whole bunch of condoms so they can stay protected. but i was, like, i really don't know what to do with all these. so i just put them on my foot. >> trevor: so you're saying in sweemed you guys have so much free health care that you can wear condoms? >> i can wear them as socks. >> trevor: we can only dream of what that must be like. thank you for coming to the sow. zara will be doing a special acoustic performance, check that out at th "the daily show".com. zara larsson, everybody.

we'll be right back.

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( cheers and applause ) >> it is 29 minutes million midnight. we'll get together then, you know we'll vay good time then. trump took time out of his schedule of tweeting on the crap tore teak over the one place even more [bleep] than him, jeetion wrestling. that is definitely him, prowrestling unveiled their new leader donald trump who they say evolved out a regular japanese wrestler like a pokemon. and judging by the picture, i'm assuming it was bulbasaur. >> goods, you are still playing. >> trump wasted no time establishing his policies on gay rights by announcing a quote