[sad music continues] ♪ - you are welcome here. you're safe now. we've lived here for generation after generatione - ha, we made it, hope. - ladies and gentlemen, miss angelina jolie!and ge - hello, everyone! hello! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.comossibl

e [dramatic music] male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. "the daily show with trevor noah" presents: ♪ ♪ - hey, everybody. i'm trevor noah. now, "the daily show" is officially off this week, but i'm particularly excited because tonight, we're kicking off our first of five specials, all of which feature the finest work from each member of the best [bleep] news team around. joining me now to kick off his very own special is our very own jordan klepper, everybody. - thank you, everybody. - jordan, this is so good to have you here, man. i'm excited for your special. a whole show of just you. - i know. finally, they got it right. - well, i don't know if it's right. i mean, i just think they did a different thing. - it feels right. and it is a different thing. i think those two things can be true at the same time. - i think that's true, but i mean, i'm still here so it helps. let's talk about your work, man. what has been your most exciting moment this year in the past year?

- i think when i got to host the show. - but i mean, like, a moment where it went well. like one of your pieces, maybe. - well, no, it felt like-- it felt like the show was sort of in tune when i got to sit in that chair and you were-- i think you were sick. - yeah, yeah, that's probably, like the worst moment of everyone's memory. - well, potato and not a potato, then. - well, let's look at some of your best moments. here it is, your moment of them: the best of jordan klepper. - [laughs] them. - moment of them. - it's like zen. - yeah. - mm-hmm. - but them. - mm-hmm. it seems like every day, there's a new mass shooting. but turn on the tv, and the solution is crystal clear. - we should arm the good guys. - sounds like a foolproof plan. it's time to do my duty. it's time to become: [chuckles] the first thing any good guy with a gun needs is his concealed handgun license. which, in obama's new york city, is almost impossible to get. luckily, it's super easy in florida. you don't even have to [bleep] live there.

you can just mail in an application. and once that gets approved, it instantly becomes valid in these 30 states. so all i have to do to qualify for my handgun license is buy a stamp and pass any nra gun safety course. buckle up, buttercup. daddy's packin'. i've come to the new jersey firearms academy to train with chief instructor and cowboy ceelo green impersonator, lateif dickerson. chief broke down all the key points of firearm safety, like aiming. - contact on the grip, wrap those around and those--and that's how you aim. - suck on this metal. - and not like that. good guys don't tell bad guys to suck on their piece before they shoot them. - what do they do? trust me, i know what i'm talking about. boom. - all right. you're a good guy with a gun - that's me? - there you go. - [laughs] i knew it! i knew it! i knew it! i'd done it.

i'd gone from gun idiot to idiot with a gun. qualified to conceal a deadly weapon in most of the country, probably in your home state. with all of eight hours of training, i was ready to handle every crisis situation. - you're not ready to handle every crisis situation. - who the [bleep] are you? - i'm pete blair. i'm the director of the alerrt program. - alerrt, or the advanced law enforcement rapid response training program, has trained over 80,000 cops to respond to active shooter events. so why was this dude trying to jam up on my gun nuts? - because you've had one day of training. - okay, i'll tell you, 30 states, the nra, and uncle sam all think that i'm good to go when it comes to guns. - i would recommend more training. - come at me, bro. alerrt agreed to test my eastwood-like reflexes in the following simulation. there's an active shooter in the building. with my glock 17 modified to shoot paintball-like bullets, i'm the good guy with a gun who's gonna take him down. - okay, so you need to be ready. it could happen at any second. from this point on, just need to be ready.

[gunshots] - [stammering] stop. stop! [sighs] why was that so hard? that was nothing like "call of duty." - i told you, it's not that simple. - yeah, but the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. that's science. - that's inaccurate. about one out of every five active shooter events gets stopped by a potential victim at the scene, and most of those victims are unarmed. - yeah, where'd you get those stats from? some liberal think tank like hillary pac? - no, it's from the fbi report that came out last year. a study of active shooter incidents from 2000 to 2013. - obama's fbi? - it's the fbi. - yeah. you believe that liberal claptrap? - i'm one of the co-authors of the report. - i took a closer look at his report, and it pretty much proved my good guy theory. - there are some cases where we have good guys with guns who are able to stop the shooter. - most cases. - very few cases. - half the cases. - not half. - a quarter of the cases. - not a quarter of the cases. - what's the percent? - it's about 3%. - 3%? but these guys said the only way to stop

a bad guy with a gun-- all: is a good guy with a gun. - we must not have enough guns. if 97% more people had guns, 100% of the time there'd be 0% crime. - i'm not sure that's how math works. - after yet another 4 1/2 more hours of training, it was time to show them how it's done. the scenario is as follows: i hear shots fired at an elementary school. police are on the way, but with innocent civilians inside, i have to draw my concealed handgun and respond. with a high-tech safety helmet to cover my face and a [bleep] towel to protect my dick and balls, i'm ready to be a hero. there's the bad guy. mission accomplished. [bleep]. bad? are you bad? - why'd you shoot me? - sorry. - okay, so that wasn't the bad guy. so where are the bad-- [gunshots] there they are. there they are. oh, thank god. the authorities are here. i just hope they know i'm a good guy. i'm a good guy! [gunshot] i'm good! [gunshots] ah, ah. i had failed.

do you guys need help? i'm a good guy. i was shot over 20 times by two different bad guys with guns. and then the police mistook me for a bad guy and shot me a bunch too. also, i may have shot an unarmed teen twice in the chest. that was tough. being a good guy with a gun was starting to feel way more complicated than movies and video games and politicians make it seem. - it's a complex situation. and you don't wan to just give people guns and say you assume you know what they're gonna do. it requires a lot of training. - who's got time for that much training? - people who are gonna dedicate their lives to protecting others. - that's it! being a good guy with a gun just takes a lifetime commitment to training. all we have to do is figure out who the good guys are, get millions of them to volunteer for 300 hours of training a year, costing billions of dollars, then make sure they're in the right place at the right time, guns at the ready and place this civilian army in our 4,700 colleges 5,700 hospitals, 48,000 malls hundreds of thousands of churches. you know, america. just do that. or... couldn't we just, i don't know, figure out a way

to not put a gun in this asshole's hand? - it's not my-- not my place for that part. - i feel like that's an idea. just try to get this asshole to not have a gun. - nope, i don't think that's gonna happen in our lifetime. - well, it was worth a shot. at least i can conceal a handgun almost everywhere. sleep tight, america. [hip-hop music] ♪ ♪ give extra. get extra. this is the silverado special edition. man: this is one gorgeous truck. oh, did i say there's only one special edition? because, actually there's five. woman: ooohh!! uh! man 2: hooooly mackerel. man 3: wow. man 4: nice. strength and style.

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[upbeat music] ♪ - who says news has to be cold and on your screen? i say it's warm and on your face. buh-buh, buh-buh. this is jordan klepper fingers the pulse. ♪ buh-buh, buh-buh. just who are trump voters? i went to las vegas, site of the final gop debate of 2015 and set up my own focus group of real trump supporters to ask the big question: uh, why? - he has no filters. - that's a good thing? right? just so we're on the same page. [all agree] - do you want a president in there that really walks on eggshells and not wanting to hurt this community or that community? - yes. so a president that says things like this: - when mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists. - did he say every single person that comes across our boarders are criminals, rapists, and drug dealers?

i believe what he said, a majority of them. and you know what? they're not disputing that. nobody's disputing the figures. i--i'm saying a vast majority of them that are caught by the border guards smuggling drugs and raping women and everything else, unfortunately, a vast majority of them are overshadowing the good ones. - in that statement, you had, like, four vast majorities. - vast majority. - i mean, do actual statistics matter to you guys? - i think the statistics are there. - i think the vast majority of your statistics are bull[bleep]. - do you? - yes. - okay. that could very well be. - okay, so if facts don't matter to them, what does matter? i want to play a little game called who said it: donald trump or a racist sandwich? "there's two things i hate. banana peppers and muslims." together: racist sandwich. - you're thinking on that one. - i did think about it, but yeah. - i mean, you're actually thinking about it? it's difficult to tell the difference between what a racist sandwich would say and your presidential candidate?

- for some reason, trump, the more bizarre he gets, the more people like him. - but why? yeah, you're one of those people. why? - i'm one of those people-- - why? at last, we had reached common ground. even some trump supporters can't wrap their head around why people support trump. donald trump's new ideological screening test will weed out extremists with-- - extreme views about religion such as the suppression of women, gays, and nonbelievers. - that's right, trump wants prospective americans to embrace religious freedom, gender equality, and gay rights. at a recent rally in wisconsin, his fans were on board. - i am for extreme vetting. i am. - i think it is a good idea. - extreme vetting. think that's a good idea? - of course. he forgot one thing. just make 'em eat some bacon. - these guys were pumped about america's values of tolerance. so i knew they'd pass trump's test with flying colors. fill in the blank for me. two men getting married is blank.

- disgusting. - actually, the answer is: legal in the united states. - oh, it's legal, but i don't like it. - it's important to believe in, you know-- to have respect for everyone's religion. - so you respect christianity. - i do. - judaism? - yes. - islam? - no. - can a woman be president? - the presidency is a man's job. - i have: women are qualified to be president. - no. a female has more hormones. she could start a war in ten seconds. if she has hot flashes, whatever, boom! - haven't all wars been started by men? - mmm. yes. - turns out, trump's ideology test was going to be harder than i thought. - these extreme nations, they don't treat women with respect. - we treat women with respect here. - yes, we do. - that's an american ideal. - yeah. - tell me about your shirt. what's it say? - it says, ha, "hillary sucks, but not like monica."

- hilarious. so we were talking about treating women with respect. - it's an american ideal that we treat women with respect. - you gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time. that's too much fun. - trump that bitch! - [laughs] we don't even see the irony in it. i love it, right? - i headed to trump rallies in the crucial swing states of ohio and wisconsin to discover what his supporters know that the rest of us don't. - barack obama is a muslim, he's a terrorist. nobody will ever tell me different. - we don't even know if he's a citizen. - yeah, if you don't look at the birth certificate, there's almost no evidence there. - exactly. - he acts like a muslim, he talks like a muslim. he also does the muslim principles as far as jewelry is concerned. - jewelry? - yeah, jewelry. certain months of the year, not wearing his wedding ring. - that's some-- that's a deep cut. you want me to connect your necklace with your christianity? - why would you do that? - well, you just taught me it. i didn't even know people were connecting jewelry to religion. - uh, muslims don't wear-- - is that a jew watch?

and one of the most unbelievable discoveries yet. - barack obama had big part of 9/11. - which part? - not being around, always on vacation, never in the office. - why do you think barack obama wasn't in the oval office on 9/11? - that i don't know. i'd like to get to the bottom of that. - wow, mind blown. but the rest of their theories can be backed up with ironclad sources. so outside of having no proof, what proof do you have? - i don't have any. - you don't have any proof? - my opinion. - your opinion. - do i have proof? no. do i have articles? no. - your mind is made up without any information. - my mind is made up. - good enough for me. [hip-hop music] i have a question. what is the "verizon way"? it means it's much more expensive. sprint has always believed in unlimited at a fair price, which is why their unlimited plan is 50% less than verizon and at&t rates with only a 1% difference in network reliability.

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♪ - under the obama presidency, a segment of americans have felt like second-class citizens. tragically, some have been marginalized their entire lives. i'm talking about white kids. what does it do to a young, white child's dreams to have never seen themselves reflected in the nation's highest office? i wanna know, guys, what do you wanna be when you grow up? - i wanna be a stock exchanger. - a stock exchanger? - i wanna be a pizza man. - a pizza man. like, what's the coolest, most powerful job you can imagine yourself becoming? - probably a singer. - prosecutor. - i do wanna work on history channel. - that's your biggest dream? working on the history channel? that's so sad. could these poor, little crackers even imagine that a president could be white? i want you guys to draw what you think a president looks like.

try to find the colors that you think work best. three, two, one. reveal. i saw brown and brown and-- come on, kid, really? a green president? what if i told you that a president could look like this? - i can't see that. - i can't see anything. - do you need to see that? you got--you can't-- - it's a white crayon! - well, imagine a president can look white is what i'm saying. that we could have a white president. - it's hard to be a president. you have to, like, do so many things. - but francesca, what i'm saying is that you could be president. you don't have to think you can't do it. - i'm not saying that all white people are bad, but some of them are. - i feel like this is this white self-hatred where you don't think you can be great. luckily, with ben carson dropping out of the race, and hillary and donald leading the pack, there's a good chance the next president will be whiter than a game of ultimate frisbee at downton abbey. this is an exciting time for you guys.

you guys have never known a white person in a position of power. i mean, outside of, like, congress and the supreme court and i think most of the billionaires um, and-- actually, most of superheroes, i think are white, everybody who's played batman. - batman! - outside of that, you guys have barely known any white people in positions of power. - the thing is, we all need a--all my-- as, um--so all men are equal. so we have the dream of being president. and that's great, we should be president too. - that's what i'm saying, white people can be presidents too. - yeah. - i mean, if we're at the point in our lives where we can have a white president, we might be able to one day have a white oprah. the sky's the limit. and if i could get these milky white poindexters to sound presidential, maybe they'd actually start believing it. the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. all: the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. - read my lips-- no new taxes.

all: read my lips-- no new taxes. - we're gonna build the best wall. all: we're gonna build the best wall. - and who's gonna pay for it? all: and who's gonna pay for it? - mexico. all: mexico. - wait, what? - ah, yes, we were teaching them a valuable lesson. - it doesn't matter about the color. it matters what's on the inside. black, white, deformed face, it doesn't matter. - yeah, i can imagine a white president, i can imagine a black president, i can imagine any kind of president. - mission accomplished. and soon enough, these kids will finally have a role model in the oval office they can look up to. except for one small problem. - i refuse to vote for hillary clinton because she broke the law. she used her own, private computer to talk about governmental stuff so she should be arrested. - that was over. this is over. - it's over, it doesn't matter anymore. - it's not like she murdered somebody. - but should we let every past broken law pass?

- okay, maybe they just lean a little more to the right. - rubio, cruz and trump, i think they all act like a bunch of kids. they act like people in preschool. - and you should know, 'cause you were in preschool, like, what, four years ago? - yeah. - they're fighting over a bunch of nothing. and if they wanna do that, then they should at least go to jupiter or something. - america's one of the biggest countries in the world. you don't wanna act like a bunch of children when you wanna become a president like that. - are you afraid a white president might mess it all up and we'll only have black presidents from now on. - it depends which white president. - okay, well, mm. get ready for cory booker in 2020. [cheers and applause] [hip-hop music]

[upbeat music] ♪ - donald trump has assembled a wide range of supporters at the rnc. - go trump! - we are electing a man in donald trump who believes in the name of jesus christ! - pastor mark burns. - shout amen! all: amen! - that's the guy i needed to talk to. the man who gave the benediction on the opening night of the rnc. - i believe donald trump, without question, loves god. he believes that marriage is between one man and one woman. - what? - he believes marriage is between one man and one woman. - who does? - donald trump believes one marriage is between one man and one woman. he also believes-- - until a younger woman comes along? - no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, that's not-- - trump thinks marriage is between one man and one czech, one slovenian, and one american, right?

- so your point is? - this one man, one woman thing-- i ran the numbers. they don't check out. - donald trump is not the pastor the united states of america. he's accepted jesus christ as his savior. is he a seminarian student? can he exegete the scriptures? i don't think so. - you know who has run a bible study? - who's that? - i'll give you a hint. - it rhymes with hillary clinton. - hillary clinton? - yes. - runs a bible study? - she did when she was first lady of arkansas. - well, you know, i can't speak to hillary clinton's relationship with god. i know she's really good at pandering at the black churches, singing whatever "amazing grace" song she can come up with for that moment. - do you think donald trump knows the words to "amazing grace"? - well, again, as i said-- - i think it would be more like tremendous grace, how fantastic the sound. could save a pretty good guy like me. i once was lost, though, you know what? i was never lost. i was born with an impeccable sense of direction. - i think that when hillary clinton

calls donald trump a person that disrespects women, for a woman, herself, to allow her husband to disrespect her-- i think that's horrible. - you're holding that to hillary? - what we sow is what we receive. - so what's worse: hillary allowing bill to cheat, or donald trump cheating? - well, i want to-- i want to be clear. um, in my statement, i think i misspoke when i said hillary clinton has allowed anyone to do anything. uh, bill is his own man. - but you're connecting his actions to hillary? - well, because that he is hillary clinton's husband. - but you're not connecting donald trump's actions to donald trump. - um, i believe donald trump, just like any of us, when we fall, we fall to the sin. - i see. christians love to forgive. and donald trump allows them to practice forgiveness in truly biblical proportions. amen. [hip-hop music]