in the jail with... ooo ? hey, aren't those the people we first thought took the wooden cow ? yeaahh... didn't we ever release them ? i forgot all about them. me too. oh my god, officer barbrady, you never had tom and mary in the cell. i didn't ? no, no, infact they never came to southpark. we've never heard of them. aaahh, pheeww, i feel a lot better then. although i could've swore that i've had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison. see terrence, let's look for treasure ! good idea, phillip, let's look for treasure ! what're you guys doing ? hey, cartman how're you feeling ? pretty good, except i had the weirdest dream last night. really, what about ? well, i dreamed that i was a poor vietnamese girl, and you guys made me ride a big scary bull, and then leonardo dicaprio gave me a spank for several hours. hey, how did you guys won those terrence and phillip dolls ? oh, nowhere. ha, ha, ha. wait a minute, you guys did make me ride that bull ! no, cartman, that was just a dream. bye ming lee... thanks again.

ha, ha, ha. son of a bitch ! captioning made possible by comedy central [patriotic music] ♪ - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show" with trevor noah presents... ♪ - welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah, and we are continuing our run of specials featuring the individuals that make up the best fucking news team. with me tonight is our very own desi lydic. desi... i'm excited for you. - oh! thank you.

- what would you say has been your greatest achievement being on "the daily show?" - uh, probably not giving birth on air. pretty proud of myself for that. - wait, you were really pregnant? - yeah. no, i was really pregnant. - what? - you don't remember that? - i thought it was, like, a stunt. i thought it was, like, a long con you were playing. - no, that would be a very, very long con. - yeah. i was, like, that's what makes it impressive. - with very little payoff. - wow, so you have a baby now? - yeah. yeah. - huh. well, look at that. - yeah. - and now here it is. your moments of them. the best of desi lydic. so, like, did you keep the baby? - you should probably ask more questions... - i just assumed-- - to your correspondents... - in american movies, everyone's just pregnant so i didn't know that that's like a thing. - yeah, there's a baby that happens at the end. ♪ i travelled to the heartland of america, bel air, california, to meet with a trump supporter with real insight, average american voter: toni holt kramer. - trump is, in his own way, a blue collar candidate. i mean, he appeals to the people. - as founder of the trumpettes,

a grassroots organization started by women who support trump, toni is the one who can best explain his appeal. - he is superman... in a lot of ways. you know, he's this blonde, blue-eyed guy flying around, up in the air right now, looking down and going, "i can't stand this country the way it is." - yeah. - "i've gotta fix it." - if trump is superman... - uh-huh. - what would be his kryptonite? his tax returns? - you know, i'm not an accountant. i don't know. - what would you say to people who say that trump's tax plan would only benefit the wealthy? - i'd say they're not intelligent. i'd say they don't have any knowledge of what they're saying. i think hillary's tax plan will defeat the country. - what do you know about hillary's tax plan? - i know nothing about her tax plan. - again, not an accountant, but she is a personal friend of the donald, and a member of the exclusive club, mar-a-lago. - yeah, that is mar-a-lago. - that's right, this mar-a-lago. the 20 acre estate in palm beach, florida, where it costs a mere 100 grand just to become a member. - i think that if mr. trump...

runs america... the way he runs his club, mar-a-lago... we have got it made. - yes. - we're gonna have the american dream back again. yay, yay, yay! - if we can run america... like, uh, an all-white, all-rich... private country club, we are good to go! - we are not an all-white country club. - very diverse. - very diverse. - how many african-american members are there? - i don't know. i can recount it. i've seen them, i know our head guy who is our... uh, top maître d' was-- was-- oh, he was divine. divine. divine. divine. - okay, but aside from this guy, divine, who else? - oh, we have our musician, um... i don't know all the memb-- - are you talking about members or staff? - oh, no, mem-- i'm talking staff and members. - oh, okay. - oh, staff and members. absolutely. - with all the diversity at mar-a-lago, toni must be open-minded when it comes to immigration. - we should not have any foreigners coming in right now. [stammers] they're taking jobs away... - mm-hmm. - from our people

in this country. - of course, this doesn't apply to toni's housekeeper, maria, who's a mexican immigrant... not a foreigner. - she is... the most pro-trump person you will ever talk to. she is mad about him! i'm so excited to welcome our newest trumpette. - we're so proud to be... [sniffs] trumpettes. - mm. - and we're thrilled because we love trump so much. - yes. - anything that has anything to do with my man, mr. trump-- - here, here. - that makes me happy. - our potus. - wait a second... is that game show host, wink martindale? is he gonna hand out door prizes? well, one thing is abundantly clear. a trump presidency pretty much only benefits the people in this room. in fact, the rest of america will be a dystopian, post-apocalyptic hellscape with giant immigrant walls and women being grabbed by their pussies, but if that day comes... - it's going to be a landslide. that's what three psychics told me. - you bet your ass i'm bunkering down with these ladies... to the trumpettes! [glasses clink]

- that's what i thought. ♪ - it's a great time to be a woman! glass ceilings have been shattered left and right. from our first presidential nominee... to our women's soccer team getting equal pay... and now on basic cable, we can even say-- - pussy. - that's right! pussy, pussy, pussy! point is... women everywhere are kicking ass... and i wanted to shine a light on some of the unsung heroes, like amy spetner doughty, a successful entrepreneur who staked her claim in the cutthroat world of political merchandise with her booming t-shirt business. uh, amelia earhart... ruth bader ginsburg... amy spetner doughty... what do you all have in common? - i don't know. what do we all have in common? - [whooshing] [explosive whoosh] debris, debris... you know what that is? - what? - it's, like, shattered glass in my eyes... ah, my eyes are bleeding. [laughter] - can you help me?

- shattering the glass ceiling. - oh, okay. - yeah. three women shattering the glass ceiling. - right. - it was no surprise that this strong, successful businesswoman was also a hillary supporter. - love hillary. - it's, like, a no brainer. - this is really an exciting time for us as women... to show my daughter... that she can be anything that she wants to be. - i want to see some of your merch. "good luck, hillary." [laughter] "don't blow it." [laughter] that's... - did you get it? - yeah, no, i... it's a blowjob joke. - yeah. it's monica. do you remember her? - yeah, no, i remember who monica is. - okay. - and that's not all she sells. "i may vote republican. a democrat left a bad taste in my mouth." and this... "life's a bitch. don't elect one." ♪ - okay, hold on. who are you voting for again? - hillary! - yeah, that's what i thought you said. - i'm with her. - you are with her. - i am with her. - huh...

turns out, amy actually is with her. so with her that she and her family are actively campaigning for hillary. and yet, she's still selling to the other team. - my father taught me many years ago... "when it comes to money and business... you be bipartisan." - you're gonna put that on a t-shirt and sell it? - if somebody wants to buy it, i'll put it on a t-shirt. my daughter actually asked me what a blowjob was. i told her... mommy just made two dollars. - that's all you're charging for blowjobs? - profit. - is this the only thing you do? blowjob jokes all day? - the bottom line is: sexism sells. - maybe amy was right. sexism does sell... and who am i to drag her down from the glass ceiling she shattered? we live in a world where women can be anything they want... presidents, astronauts, even business owners who sell misogynistic pro-- okay. no, no, no, no, no. it's still bull[bleep]! i'm taking over! that's right. huge wall. tiny dick. [laughter] maybe this makes me sexist... but i like to think i'm leveling the playing field.

- time to make america great again! keep working. all of you. ♪ blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, ♪ for a taste that shines brighter. i'm aall i need is a comfortable chair. and kfc's delicious new georgia gold. available in extra crispy chicken, a chicken little sandwich or extra crispy tenders. mmm... it's finger lickin' gold. a fresh remix of natural flavors... cherry blossom, gold apple, and orange blossom. no artificial flavors, or colors. award winning strongbow hard ciders. how do they make starburst taste so juicy? they use wicked small fighter jets

to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] it's about to get juicy. whoo! i feel so aliii... it takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. unexplainably juicy. [car engine failing to start] [wind blows] yo- wh- ah- he- [gas pouring]

[slurps loudly] [engine starting] [loud slurping continues] you gonna close your welleyes on world war iii? or are you gonna saddle up and save the entire damn world? ♪ it's about to get hot like ♪ hot like, hot like, hot like. ..♪ rated pg-13.

[eclectic music] ♪ - we turn now to desi lydic with what the actual fact? [patriotic music] ♪ - thank you, trevor. last night's las vegas debate was a lot like vegas itself...

kind of fun, but with a nagging sensation you're getting screwed. [laughter] so how much did the candidates stretch the truth? let's start with ted cruz, who wanted to prove that his plan to deport more undocumented immigrants was like bradley cooper: totally doable. - in particular, the question of what to do with people who are here now... you enforce the laws. do you know how many illegal aliens bill clinton deported? 12 million. do you know how many illegal aliens george w. bush deported? 10 million. - now, this is true... if words don't mean what they mean. [laughter] because when cruz says bush and clinton deported 10 and 12 million immigrants, he's talking overwhelmingly about immigrants who were stopped at the border and turned away... not kicking out people who are here now, which is what he's proposing. so what cruz said is false... because he's taking something pretty easy to do, and pretending it's something different

that's a lot harder. so i rate this a milli vanilli. [laughter] [applause] - our country doesn't win anymore. nothing works in our country. - well, certainly not condoms. am i right? [laughter] [cheers and applause] our country doesn't win anymore? do you follow women's soccer? we win at sports that we don't even care about. [cheers and applause] and nothing works in our country? uh, seal team six. "fast & furious 6." [laughter] and these spanx are holding on pretty strong. [laughter] there are loads of things in this country that work, but, to be fair to donald trump, some things in america are broken... for instance, if our political system was working properly, there is no way he would be the republican frontrunner. no way! [cheers and applause]

ah... [applause] now let's move on to everyone's coolest social studies teacher, senator elizabeth warren. [cheers and applause] - washington works great... for those at the top. when giant companies wanted more tax loopholes, washington got it done. - now elizabeth warren is accusing congress of working with big business to pass tax loopholes... and she knows all about that because she supported a tax loophole that helped medical device companies in her state. so even though warren's claim is true, she's complaining about something, and pretending like she's not in on it. so she deserves a taylor swift. [cheers and applause] like every other guy who's terrible with casinos, trump has a tell, a way that you can always know for sure that he's lying. every time he says... "i never said that," he definitely said that. [laughter] once you're watching for it, it's really easy to spot.

- this is a man who has said... pregnancy is an inconvenience to employers. who has said-- - i never said that. [laughter] - oh, i never said that. you definitely said that! - pregnancy is never... um, it's a wonderful thing for the woman. it's a wonderful thing for the husband. it's certainly an inconvenience for a business, and... uh, whether people want to say that or not, the fact is it is an inconvenience for a person that is running a business. - trump's denial last night was false. this is something you hoped people would forget about, but as much as it sucks, it was right there on nbc in 2004. so i give that claim a joey. [laughter] - this is a man who has called women pigs, slobs, and dogs. - we're at the final question. - you know, hillary is hitting me with tremendous commercials, some of it said in entertainment, some of it said... somebody who's been very vicious to me, rosie o'donnell, i said very tough things to her, and i think everybody would agree

that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her. [laughter] - okay, first of all, let's all acknowledge that it's weird how donald trump wants president points for his tough stand on rosie o'donnell. like-- [laughter and applause] like... [applause] america needs a leader who bows down to vladimir putin, but stands tall against the star of "harriet the spy." [laughter] trump is trying to claim that the things he says about women are facts that everyone would agree on, but they're clearly his own opinions. like, my opinion is that donald trump is a thin-skinned, upside-down traffic cone filled with bile and overcooked steak, a transparent con artist whose only answer for america is what would happen if gordon gekko [bleep] snooki, and they had micro-fingered reality tv baby? a man... a man whose face is so red and swollen, it looks like his skin is allergic to facts, you tangerine tinted sack of [bleep]!

[cheers and applause] whew! trevor? [applause] - wow, desi, um... that was mean. [laughter] tangerine tinted sack of [bleep]? - what? me? no, i never said that. [laughter and applause] - desi lydic, everyone! ♪ what twisted ankle?ask what muscle strain? advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil. they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪

♪ ♪i'ma wade, i'ma wave through the waters♪ ♪tell the tide, "don't move" ♪freedom! freedom! i can't move ♪freedom, cut me loose! ♪freedom! freedom! where are you?♪ ♪cause i need freedom too! ♪freedom! freedom! freedom! freedom!♪ ♪what you want from me? ♪is it truth you seek? oh father can you hear meee...ooow?♪

my doctor says i havey, what's skittles pox. are they contagious? i don't think so. contract the rainbow! taste the rainbow! blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, ♪ for a taste that shines brighter. oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. when i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. they're not. verizon has the largest, most-reliable 4g lte network in america. it's basically made for places like this. honey, what if it was just us out here? right. so, i ordered you a car. thank you. you don't want to be out here at night 'cause of the, uh, coyotes. ok, thanks, bud. bye.

be nice to have your car for some shelter. bye. when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. this is the silverado special edition. man: this is one gorgeous truck. oh, did i say there's only one special edition? because, actually there's five. woman: ooohh!! uh! man 2: hooooly mackerel. man 3: wow. man 4: nice. strength and style. which one's your favourite? come home with me! make a strong decision. find your tag and get 16% below msrp on select silverado 1500 pickups in stock. find new roads at your local chevy dealer. find new roads um, i can't have happen what happened (♪)t time... ahem... here's my card. i'm sure you know your profits are down 8%. so, just let me know if you want to change that. ♪ i believe in you! break through!, break through! ♪ ♪ u.g.l.y. ♪ you ain't got no alibi. ♪ get ugly. get ugly.

♪ it's time to run it out, grunt and fight. ♪ ♪ drippin' sweat. ♪ hot like fire. ♪ get ugly. get ugly. ♪ burn it up, work it out. ♪ damn, you look like dynamite. ♪ ♪ get ugly. get ugly. ♪ u.g.l.y. you ain't got no alibi. ♪ propel. the only water with enough electrolytes to put back what you lose in sweat. ♪ drink it up, drink it up, baby! ♪ [eclectic music] ♪ - alabama's 6th is the reddest district in the country, but surprisingly, protestors flooded republican congressman gary palmer's town hall... [crowd jeers] and spilled onto the streets outside. time to find out if these were paid professionals. - people here today are-- who are protesting they are being paid. - how can you tell? - if they can't engage with you about a policy or an issue, they're most likely paid, because they've been given talking points. somebody has to tell them what to say. let's--let's start talking about hitler or anything else--

the tax return. russia. hitler. like, i would never bring up hitler and all that stuff, 'cause i think all that stuff is-- - you brought up hitler, like, 10 times already. now that i knew the signs, it was time for me to confront these professional performers head-on. - i'm concerned about my country. - paid protestor. - no. that-- - paid protestor says what? - i'm not being paid. - that was really good, and i don't wanna give you a line reading or anything, but it's more like, "i am not being paid!" - i'm sorry. what? - just one more time. just, "i am not being paid!" but, like, throw in some backstory. action. - action? - blink twice if you're being paid to protest. - don't say that. i--i accidentally blinked. - one, two. she blinked twice. - no. no, no, no. i didn't mean to blink. - so maybe these protestors weren't hiding something. but what if the gop supporters were? - when you see them come up in busses, unloading, like they were in north carolina, and there was clear stuff on the internet about it.

- have you seen busses here today? - i have not. - you have not. - mmm. - but they're here. - that is my zip code to prove i'm from this district. - but it was hard to take the protestors at their word when real locals like this woman could smell an outsider from a mile away. - we don't really believe that there are people from this district representing alabama. - where are you from? - i live right across the bay from mobile, alabama. - okay, is that in this district? - no. - right, right. no wonder i couldn't find any protestors being brought in. the supporters took all the seats on the bus. ted cruz recently made waves with a comment about new york city values. - the rest of the country knows exactly what new york values are, and i gotta say, they're not iowa values, and they're not new hampshire values. socially liberal or pro-abortion or pro-gay marriage. - oh, god. no. i headed to times square to see how visitors cope in our perverted cesspool. how would you compare this city with whatever [bleep] city

you're from? where are you from? - i'm from huntsville, alabama. - okay. - it's been a good trip. we--we've enjoyed it. so. - has the gay in your face ruined anything for you? - the gay in my-- - all the gay in your-- felt the gay in your face? - i hadn't seen much of that. i was shocked. - we love coming here. - yeah, actually, we love it here. - what? - adventure. it's adventure. - we come for the shows. - is it hard to get tickets to really popular shows like "hamilton" with all the abortions going on here? - well, "hamilton" you can't get tickets to. - right. 'cause of all the abortions. - we've met a lot of nice people, just met a--a construction worker here that was really super nice to us. and, really, didn't even cuss at me. i mean-- - not one time? - not one time. - did he ask to feel your tits? - no, he didn't, and he didn't tell me where to go or flip me off. - did he grab your ass? - no. - did he ask how much? - no. - did he tell you to [bleep] off? - no. - but admit it. when you get home, after you wash away the sin, and re-baptize yourself, you'll really look forward to a great, home-cooked meal

at--you know, what's that, um, cracker restaurant? both: cracker barrel. - no, not that one. the other place where crackers go to. - denny's. - denny's. finish the sentence for me. new york is a godless... - what? why would you say new york is godless? i don't think that that's accurate. new york is great. i like new york. - i live here, and there is still plenty to criticize. so, ted, the next time you wanna [bleep] on this city, ask a new yorker. there are so many things you could complain about. [machinery pounding] how are you still digging? they've been digging for two years! our many great restaurants... i'm at brunch right now. or take a shot at our quality of life. it costs $5,000 a month to live here. and it comes with a [bleep] roommate. - we're out of toilet paper. - we don't even have a bathroom. wait. where have you been [bleep]?

[eclectic music] ♪ - this is our president-elect. - do you believe in punishment for abortion, yes or no? - there has to be some form of punishment. - for the woman? - yeah. - this is his right-hand man. - our legislation would deny any and all federal funding to planned parenthood. - and together, they've caused this. - women are taking proactive measures to protect their reproductive rights. - you know, we are building a wall around our vaginas. - and sure, a trump-pence administration has threatened to repeal obamacare, but how concerned should women be? - there are 55 million women now who have access to no-cost preventive services because of the affordable care act. - okay, that's a [bleep]load of women. and when that many women are angry, they take action. - in the few days after the election, we saw over a 900% increase in online appointment scheduling for intrauterine devices. - for those you who don't know, an iud is a u-shaped-- - t-shaped. - t-shaped device inserted into your cervix.

- uterus. - uterus... to prevent pregnancy. statistics aside, how many real women were actually resorting-- - i'm gonna probably try and stock up on some plan b. - i'm getting an iud. - i'm seriously considering an iud. - these ladies weren't [bleep] around. why the iud, though? - the iud can last from anywhere between 3 to 12 years. and if you do the math, that's two trump terms. - oh, jesus--two trump terms? elena! you're a real [bleep] downer, you know that? real downer. there has to be a way that their administration and our uteri could come together. okay, how about this? t-shaped branded trump 24 karat gold iud, and that way... he's always grabbing pussies. all across america. you're not saying anything, but i feel like you know it's a good idea. that's fine. i'm just gonna hang on to this. - feel free. - i'll take it to kickstarter.

until then... [gentle music] are you struggling to find the perfect holiday gift for that special woman in your life? this year, why not give her the gift that keeps on giving? ♪ it's a way of saying "i love you... but not enough to pull out." - i-u-do! - and don't worry if iuds aren't for you. there are other options. ♪ - [gasps] aww... - there's always plan b. - you shouldn't have. - actually, i should. [dog whines] there's more. - hurry while supplies last. offer could end january 20th. so before trump repeals obamacare, reverses roe v. wade, get your gal the gift that lets her have control of at least one [bleep] thing in the next four years.