getting beat up by a girl, and it turns out you think i'm cool no matter what! oh! oh, god, what a relief! ha-ha! yay! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com male announcer: from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [upbeat music] ♪ - welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah, and tonight is our fifth and final special featuring every member of the best [bleep] news team around. tonight's anchorman is none other than hasan minhaj. - what's up, man? - what's up, hasan? dude, before we get into the special, i've always wanted to know, what is your favorite memory of working at "the daily show"? - oh, man, uh...today. - what--no, i mean, like, of--like, of all time. - no, right now. this is great. - no, i know you're really enthusiastic about this-- - no, this is awesome. like, my own desk. this is kinda cool. i could get used to this.

- well, it's still my desk. - no, no, no, i like-- like, this is all me, and it's my show. - well, it's not your show. we're just doing a special about you. - we'll be right back. - no, you can't say that, 'cause it's the show-- - here it is, "your moment of them." - no, no. - "the best of hasan minhaj." - here it is, "your moment of them: the best of--" - "best of hasan minhaj." canada. from their awful beer, to their god awful canadian tuxedos, they've got a lot to apologize for, but now they've got a new reason to say "sorey," and it's coming to destroy america. i'm talking about... [distorted voice] syrian refugees. - thousands of syrian refugees entering canada will sneak across the u.s. border. some of them will be isis supporters. - canada's super progressive prime minister justin trudeau has already allowed more than 25,000 of these potential terrorists into canada. luckily, i had allies across the border. these canucks were actually doing something about trudeau's refugee invasion, and they were more pissed off than any canadians i had ever seen. - people are really upset.

- oh, yes. good. - we're demanding that the immigration minister bring in more refugees and do it really quickly. - what? you guys want more refugees? - absolutely. we have thousands of people across the country waiting to welcome people into their homes. - are you [bleep] nuts? it turns out, they were part of the problem, something called the private sponsorship program. only in canada can groups of five or more people just raise money and bring over syrian refugees themselves. it's like kickstarter for terrorists. - almost 10,000 have been brought in by groups like ours. - this is just like "game of thrones," okay? you're gonna let these brown ice walkers go nuts up in the north, then they're gonna cross the border and kill all americans. - this isn't about you. we're doing this for ourselves, and we're doing it for the refugees we're bringing. - it is "aboot" me if i'm gonna die. - it's not even that big a risk. look at the facts, and we don't say "aboot." - okay, i'm "sorey." - that we say. - okay, let's look at the facts. since 9/11, zero terrorist planning attacks have been caught crossing the u.s./canada border.

but if you go back almost 20 years, two people have tried, and one of them was a refugee. sure, he was caught and is serving two consecutive life sentences, but it proves you can't say there is a 0% chance because it's way more. there's a 0.00019% chance. our border is like a starbucks bathroom. anybody can just walk in there and blow [bleep] up. this guy knows what i'm talking about. - they're screened by the u.n. they're safe. they come here, they canadianize. - no, you guys-- - don't you have more americans dying from gun incidents and mass shootings than from terrorism every year? - but those people aren't terrorists. they have mental problems. there's a difference. - the difference being the color of the skin? - yes, white people have mental illnesses. brown people are biologically designed to kill you guys. - ohh. - have you met a recent-arrived refugee?

- why would i go meet someone who's gonna kill me? - so we're gonna decide not to help 49,999 people because one person went bad? - yep. that's the american way. - that's not how we look at it. we wouldn't blame all syrians for that one syrian. we don't blame all americans for donald trump. - you should. these hosers just didn't get it. i decided to seek out the man who started this mess, the one canadian who could shut this whole thing down. why are you trying to destroy north america? you're letting anyone walk in and just [bleep] [bleep] up. - north america was built with people fleeing persecution, conflicts, wars, trying to build a better life for themselves and their families. - it's too open, it's too free. mr. j.t., i went to customs, and they were like, "what are you here to do?" and i'm like, "i am here to roast prime minister justin trudeau." and do you know what the guy said? "have a nice day." - yeah. - what if i came here to literally roast you? - you might find that a little more difficult

than you, uh-- than you think. - are you gonna kick my ass right now? - are you gonna literally roast me? - no. - then we're fine. - things were getting heated in ottawa. luckily, i had america to back me up. right now 51% of americans oppose letting any syrian refugees into the u.s. just like we had the guts to say no to jewish refugee children, hungarians fleeing mass murder, and the vietnamese. - you know, i think, maybe we--we have better faith in the people we invite over. - faith? you're talking about the greatest canadian terrorist threat since september 11, 2001, the day nickelback unleashed their breakthrough album, "silver side up" on america. that's a real fact. look it up. - nah, you know what? nickelback's all right. - but you know what isn't all right? terrorists on moose-back crossing our northern border. mr. trudeau, you cannot trust these people. you're gonna breed an isis that's impervious to cold.

an ice isis. mr. prime minister, we are sitting here in the wake of so many terror attacks. how can you be sure, letting in all of these refugees, that even if .01% become radicalized, you could be living with 25 different paris attacks, 25 different belgium attacks. how can you go to sleep at night knowing that that risk is imminent? - we live in a world where there are always risks, and the question is, how much do you want to live in fear of those risks? the best counter to the kind of radicalization and marginalization that we've seen in other parts of the world is to create an inclusive society where, you know, everyone including and especially muslim canadians have every opportunity to succeed, just like anybody else. - okay, fair point. i'm willing to admit that some refugees aren't terrorists. but still, they're just so...foreign. - one of the great things about canadian culture is we've figured out that it's done by addition. so, you know, you take flavors and perspectives

and, you know, experience of the world, and you, you know, create something better than the sum of its parts with it. - wait a minute. flavors. ingredients. he's talking about a melting pot. that's our thing! are we really gonna let canada steal our brand? america has always been the land of opportunity. and yes, we've also kind of always been afraid of refugees too, but we're at our best when we're staring terrorists straight in the face and saying, "kiss our red, white, black, brown, beige and blue asses." or as one american philosopher put it, "if we were to strive to reach absolute safety, we would not have freedom." thanks, sarah palin. and thanks, canada. ♪

and thanks, canada. for us, it's rocky mountain water...n.

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- players on the u.s. women's national soccer team say they're being discriminated against because they make less than members of the men's team. - ...filed a federal complaint against the u.s. soccer federation. - i sat down with three members of the u.s. women's soccer team to find out why they're being so greedy. - we're not being greedy. we're just fighting for what's right. - our contributions to the federation should be seen as equal to what the men have done. - fine. whatever. but you need to understand that the men made it to the round of 16 in the world cup. - well, we've won three world cups. - well, they are ranked 30th in the world. - we're ranked number one. - um...they play with so much... passion. - we have four olympic gold medals. - humble brags, okay. but how much less could their pay possibly be? - if we win a match, we get $1,300. the men, they get around $17,000. - whoa! - if the men's team loses, they make $5,000.

- five gs if you lose! could you imagine having that much money? - can't really imagine it because we don't get paid anything if we lose. - maybe that's why you guys don't lose. silver lining. - are you [bleep] kidding me? - why don't you guys just pick up second jobs? uber driving. after your guys' games, surge pricing will definitely be high. boom, you're driving fans home at 1.5x, maybe 2x, 3x. - we don't have time to go be an uber driver. we put in our time to win gold medals for this team. - while the u.s. soccer federation has their own interpretation of the pay differences, the bottom line is the women want them to level the playing field. oh, and and they also want them to literally level the playing field. they're constantly forced to play on astroturf, even at the world cup, something that the men's team has never had to do. they don't play on turf? - not one game. - others would argue that the women's soccer team should be grateful just to play, like gavin mcinnes. sure, he looks like an art school dropout with a shins cover band, but he has his own show and is a fox news contributor.

- women do earn less in america because they choose to. - yep, not surprisingly he thinks the women's lawsuit is a waste of time. - men's soccer has been getting ten times the eyeballs. - you know what, i'm gonna let the ladies handle this one. - well, we actually... - yeah. - ...broke the record for the most... - watched. - ...watched soccer game in the history of america, between men or women. - you're playing a man's game by man's rules. this is the way it is in our world. you gotta earn it. - no. we've brought in, what, 17 million this past year. - the men lost $2 million in profit for the federation this last year. - u.s. men's soccer still gets a lot more enthusiasm. now why is that? is that because men's soccer is more interesting, more exciting... - gavin, you're down two-nothing. you know what, let me try to help you. name three u.s. men soccer players. - current, we have bobby daniels. - bobby daniels, okay, let's check the list. [buzzer] nope, not a player. - zigler norris. - also not a player. - and a guy known to everyone as junebug.

[buzzer] - come on, man! if you're gonna make up fake names, do better than junebug. if lunatics like this are against the women, who's on their side? - billie jean king. - 100%. - i mean, she's done so much for women's sports. [upbeat rock music] - who's that? - tennis player? - i don't--i don't-- - tennis star billie jean king has long been campaigning for women's rights. - damn! turns out billie jean king is a badass tennis player, but also she paved the way for equal pay in tennis when she defeated bobby riggs in the 1973 battle of the sexes. let me get this straight. all you did was defeat a man, and now you have equal pay in tennis. problem solved. - it wasn't easy-peasy, man. when i played bobby riggs... - mm-hmm. - ...that was about social change. our ratio of prize money was about eight-to-one, and i think the women's soccer is four-to-one, and i know what you're gonna say. - progress. - improvement! - yep. - improvement's not enough. we're supposed to be so happy if we get one crumb. oh, thank you. i'm so grateful.

- you're welcome. - we deserve the cake, the icing, the cherry on top too, just like the boys. - so let's put some cleats on you, you play the men, and let's get them ladies paid. - you're missing the point. - okay, i will play the women. - do you honestly think you can keep up with the women's soccer players, seriously? ♪ - we will do a battle of the sexes bjk style, because it worked for tennis. - no. - no. we'd crush you. - bobby riggs was a champion in his sport. - we didn't even know who you were until today. - um, i played two years of ayso when i was in the fourth grade, and i have also won trophies for effort. - this is definitely a different level than that. - okay, fine, so the battle of the sexes is a bad idea. what else can we do? - people have to get to know us, so we need to really get behind women, get behind them with money, exposure, give 'em more commercials. - a commercial, yes! i can see it now. [upbeat music]

- you can defy the odds. - the odds. - i became one of the best players in the world at the age of 17. - you can be great. - great. - i scored a game-winning pk in a world cup. - you can make history. - history. - we won three world cups and four olympic gold medals. - you can aspire to be less than. - less than. - wait. what did you say? - you can be just as good as any other person, as long as that person doesn't have a penis. - a penis. - are you kidding me? - and for all that hard work, you can make four times less than a man. - i don't think so. ♪ - you can treat us equally. - you can give us grass to play on. - you can pay us what we deserve. - please, do it! [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] lights out.. this is not how we play hide and seek. that's what you think pops. and the student has surpassed the master.

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[upbeat music] ♪ - all campaign trump was like... - i think islam hates us. total and complete shutdown of muslims... they're not coming to this country. - now as president he's banned immigration from these seven countries, and everybody's like, "yo, is this the muslim ban?" - no, it's not the muslim ban. - right, right. but is it? you're hasan the record. ♪ thing thing on? trump's executive order blocks anybody and everybody from seven very muslim countries in the mideast and africa from entering the u.s. at all. now this may not be the muslim ban, but it's definitely a muslim ban. but hold up. can he do that? since trump signed the order, all of my melanin bros are calling me up like...

- dude, this is america. we're, like, the best at religious liberty, okay? he can't get away with this [bleep]. - that's right, he can't get away with this [bleep]. even my constitutional law bros are like... - he might get away with this [bleep]. - oh, that's right. while a ban based explicitly on religion is probably illegal, one based on nation of origin isn't. oh, [bleep]. loophole. by implementing a ban based on people from certain countries, you know, the muslim ones... [traditional middle eastern music] okay, don't play that. people are gonna get scared. good. ...basically, trump can achieve the same goal. it's like this. imagine if this adorable bulldog is a muslim. - assalamu alaikum. - you can't hate this bulldog. that'd be wrong. but put him in this somalia sweater, and it's totally cool to be like, "waterboard that puppy." [audience awws] aww. our hatred of bulldogs was legalized in 1952 when the immigration and nationality act said, "when the president finds that the entry "of any aliens would be detrimental "to the interests of the united states, "he may impose any restrictions "he may deem to be appropriate. "if you experience an erection longer than four hours, please call your doctor."

uh, translation. yo, yo, yo, aliens are detrimenting our interests. i gotta do restrictions, 'cause national security. historically, presidents have justified a lot of stuff with national security. it's basically like a star in "super mario bros" or bath salts in florida. it makes you invincible. trail of tears? national security. chinese exclusion act? national security. the guy who wrote "peace train"? oh, national security to the face. okay, so trump's ban is... barely legal. didn't he also say something about a muslim database? - beyond database, i mean, we should have a lot of systems. - oh, dang! but trump's executive order last friday doesn't mention it, probably because databases and registries are problematic, and we'd never do one. [alarm sounds] get woke, get woke! woke up. we did do one. in 2002, the u.s. began the national security entry-exit registration system, or nseers. the program forced people entering from 24 muslim-majority countries to register and regularly check in with authorities.

the nseers program accomplished the following. it placed 13,000 individuals in deportation proceedings, including one lebanese christian dude from texas. yee-haw! and out of 83,519 cases, nseers caught... zero terrorists. that's right, 0 for 83,519. the worst shooting percentage in history. the dude behind nseers was kris kobach of kansas. i'm sure that's just a coincidence. kobach sucked so hard at his job that he became a key immigration advisor to president trump. kobach's literal number one idea for trump, nseers. but here's the orange lining. bans and registries like these only affect foreign nationals. so if you're an american citizen like me, nothing to worry about. - we were american citizens. - oh, [bleep]. it's japanese-american george takei. - because we looked like the enemy, we were treated like the enemy and imprisoned. - okay, so it happened once. and the law that allowed internment

has never technically been overturned, but--but--but... that could never happen today, because now we have smartphones. whoa. what i just said was so real. and it's like i always say, injustice anywhere is a threat to justice other places also. go to hasantherecord.com to cop your minhaj mug. keep your tea tight and your mind open. tune in next week when i go hasan the record on jeff sessions. just because someone says something racist, is it? think about it, y'all. i'll see you next week. [cheers and applause] ♪ [cheers and applause] guyscause this is my jam.n... showtime! ♪tell it to my heart ♪tell me i'm the only one... nailed it tim, nailed it. ♪

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[upbeat music] ♪ [cheers and applause] - hasan, how are you fearing-- feeling right now? - trevor, like many americans i have spent the last 12 hours refreshing the canadian immigration website, which keeps crashing. so i am panicking, because melanin doesn't rub off. but look, donald trump won. we gotta take the l. he spoke to people who felt ignored by washington and wanted their jobs back, and i understand. i don't quite get how you get there by electing a guy who collects bankruptcies the way michael jordan collects rings, but okay, they deserve to be heard, and last night we heard them.

but i can't forget something else i heard. on december 7, 2015, donald trump called for a total and complete shutdown of muslims entering the united states. i remember that date, because it's the birthday of the worst fucking day in my life! seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying? even if that's not why most people voted for him, open racism should just be a dealbreaker. you personally may not be a racist, sexist xenophobe, but that comes with the package. right, like if a car comes with heated seats, you may not want them, but you'll take them. - yeah, but then if the seats go, "hey, don't sit on me, camel jockey." - you should be like, "hey! i don't want the car!" - makes sense. - so if you take that deal, what you're telling me is, "hey, man, i don't hate you. i just don't care about you." - you know though, there is a chance, and i know it's weird to say this, there is a chance that maybe he'll end up being more moderate.

- oh, diet xenophobia. that's cool. low calorie racism. mmm. like, what? this is a true story. my mom is out of the country right now. she's visiting my grandma, and she's a u.s. citizen, she's lived here 30 years. she's on the phone with me last night and she's like, "hasan, i don't know "if i can come back until february. am i gonna be able to get back into the country?" and the fact that i can't tell her yes with 100% certainty is heartbreaking. and there are a lot of people telling me, "hey, man, don't worry. trump's not really gonna ban all muslims." but i don't know, man. that is my mom! and i need her back home, because i love her, and she owes me $300. - thank you, hasan. hasan minhaj, everybody. we'll be right back. you're gonna get that money. [cheers and applause] ♪ - [beep, coughs]

- okay, i call these, ha, "another cover." - i call these "brown paper bag" money. deep cut. - okay, i call these "another one." - i call these, ha-- i really want those. - hm. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: oh my god, it is 29 minutes until midnight, when a champion will be crowned. it's been exhilarating week of competition but it all comes down to this, nine of "@midnight" finest battle it out on stage, all week long for a spot on this very night n this very panel for the "@midnight" tournament of champions finals. along the way-- all right, yeah, that. (cheers and applause). >> chris: there it be only one upon whom we shall bestow the two girls one cup, (applause) which