culture. can't b nobody can know about this!y can because men are all assholes. they make you feel ashamedamed for being a little big or manly looking. l but not lesbos.but not we accept other women for who they are inside. - you do, seriously? ha - have you never even thought of being with anot another woman before? - no, i don't even know how two women can... n make love, unless they just kind of scissor or something. - oh, yeah, scissor me, xerxis!oh, yea - ooh, that feels so super good.that fee narrator: and so it was that les bos was saved. ad the persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails. no dyke - thanks for everything, xerxis. - no... thank you, friend.

- hey, aren't you supposed to bey, aren teaching school right now?teain - the school hired a substitute to cover for me. - and so to find the sum of the two fractions,d thu you must always first check for the lowest common denominator.r all: si. - these guys are pretty good. - yeah, i think i'm actually learning something! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.comy [patriotic music] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [lilting piano music] ♪ [hip-hop music] - trump has ignored a lot of presidential traditions. you know, like releasing tax returns or working on the weekend or knowing about government, but even he has been all about the 100 days. - just think about what we can accomplish

in the first 100 days. we're going to have the biggest tax cut. we're going to rebuild our military. the american infrastructure act... restoring community safety act... the repeal and replace obamacare act. [cheers and applause] - and none of it is actually gonna get done. [laughter and applause] whoo! whoo! with just five days to go before day 100, it's starting to become clear that president trump has accomplished very little of what he promised. travel ban, blocked. healthcare plan, blocked. and, surprise, surprise. no one wants to pay for his wall. yeah, and if you're a trump supporter, you may be saying, "well, at least he tried. i mean, doesn't that count for something?" no, it doesn't. it really doesn't. yeah. so with the 100-day mark approaching, and not much to show for it, there was only one thing for donald trump to do: admit that being president is a lot more nuance than he expected, and--no, i'm just kidding. i'm just kidding. he--he's just moving the goal posts. - president trump says his is a different kind of presidency.

and that's part of why he thinks the 100-day scorecard coming up saturday is something that doesn't really apply to him. he calls it an artificial barrier and something that just isn't that meaningful. - donald trump can't suddenly say that 100 days is an arbitrary number because he ran on the 100 days during the campaign. you don't get to just disregard the number because you don't like the current results. because if most voters in america got to choose the number they preferred, well, you wouldn't be in the white house, donald. [rock music] everyone has seen it by now, but in case you had bad eyesight, then i've got some bad news about your healthcare. - president trump celebrating the house successfully passing the republicans latest plan to repeal, replace obamacare. - what we have is something very, very incredibly well crafted. how am i doing? am i doing okay? i'm president. hey, i'm president.

can you believe it, right? - yeah. [indistinct shouting] even... even donald trump can't believe he's president. i guess he does relate to the american people after all, you know. "i can't believe that guy is president." "i know. it's crazy. it's so crazy." and today was crazy. no doubt about it. because after seven years of foreplay and with just two votes to spare, the house republicans successfully passed a bill to repeal obamacare. which could mean more than 20 million americans would no longer have health insurance. people with pre-existing conditions could see a massive spike in their premiums. although the truth is, we don't know any of this for sure. why? because republicans passed this bill without an official scoring of its costs from the cbo. so, the true effects of the bill could be anything. hell, your baby could have to do its own c-section from the inside. you don't know. [laughter] and you know what? that's the problem with politics these days.

republicans cared less about the bills quality than the optics of getting a bill passed. and we know that they didn't like this bill because they kept on telling us. - it's not the most perfect bill, but nothing's gonna be perfect. so let's move it forward, let's get it to the senate... - i'm just very anxious to see the senate get to work on this same project. - now, look, unlike the republicans, we have an actual woman who can give us her perspective on how this bill impacts women's health. michelle wolf, everybody. - hi. [cheers and applause] thank you, thank you. hello, trevor. hello. - so, michelle, let's just get straight into it. what do you make of this healthcare bill? - i mean, seriously, look at the senators who we're trusting with healthcare. that doesn't look like the panel that protects women. that looks like the panel that says, "well, she drowned. "guess she wasn't a witch. throw in another one." [laughter] 13 white guys and no women. 13 white guys and no women! in that group, they were able to get two mormons,

but no women. [laughter] which is weird for mormons 'cause normally, they want extra women. [laughter and applause] i mean, you'd think they'd at least put mike pence in that group so his wife would have to be there too. - well, to be fair-- to be fair, michelle, just because this bill is being worked on by only men, doesn't mean that they can't be fair to women. - oh, sure. i mean, they could be fair to us, but this is what they've done so far. - the bill in its current form would hit women especially hard. for example... among others could all be slapped with a pre-existing condition label. opening up the door for insurers to potentially deem them uninsurable. - i'm sorry, you'd have to pay extra for insurance

if you get irregular periods? okay, quick glimpse into a ladies life. every period is an irregular period. it's not like a paycheck where it arrives on the same day every month. your period is more like an outdoor cat. you know it's gonna come back at some point, but you're never positive when and you have no idea what it's gonna have in its mouth. [laughter and applause] what is that? the only thing regular about a period is that is sucks. am i right, trevor? - oh, i don't know if i can-- - yeah. see? men can't even talk about periods without getting squeamish. even our president is uncomfortable with periods. that's why he never uses them in sentences. exclamation point. [laughter] in fact, i think that's the only way to fix this problem. women just need to show up in washington. - oh, like another march?

- no, we just need to go into congress and talk about periods. the men will disappear like a boner when you smell grandma. [laughter] and then us women can handle this [bleep] ourselves. and don't worry congress men. under our plan, we'll cover assholes. - thank you, michelle. michelle wolf, everyone. we'll be right back. [hip-hop music] to stay in the game. to sacrifice taste miller lite, always brewed to have more taste and be less filling. miller lite. hold true.

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[lilting piano music] - last week was president trump's first international trip. president trump's first stop was saudi arabia, and i don't know about you, but i was waiting for him to spark an international incident. you know, like, i was waiting for him to walk off the plane going, "so many ninjas." [laughter] but luckily, that didn't happen. and--now trump hoped that people would focus on his carefully crafter speech about islam and terrorism, but unfortunately, his mouth was soon overtaken by his hands. - you may have seen this rather strange image of president trump standing alongside the saudi king and the president of egypt. all of them with their hands on a glowing white orb. - it looks less like a summit of world leaders,

and more like a scene out of a bizarro "captain planet." you know? "let our powers combine. oil." "plutonium." "spray tan." [laughter] if you are worried about america's security, luckily, president trump's speech did offer a grim warning to young muslims considering a career in terrorism. - your life will be empty, your life will be brief, and your soul will be fully condemned. - i'm--i'm sorry. those were trump's wedding vows. we were look-- there was a tape... do we not have the... [cheers, laughter, and applause] i'm sorry about that. sorry. [applause continues] so, all in all, trump handled the saudi trip well, and he was just getting started. next stop, israel. my favorite part of trump's time in israel was the part when he didn't know what part of the world israel was in. - we just got back from the middle east. we just got back from saudi arabia. and, uh...

[laughter] - everyone's reaction was captured by that guy in the corner. just look at him. look at his face. [laughter] while trump is saying that... he's like, "do you know how much work i had to do "just to get in this room, and this asshole didn't even look at a map?" [laughter] but it wasn't long before trump's hands were once again dominating his trip because instead of his visits and looking at the effects on u.s./israel relations, everyone was focused on donald/melania relations. - the thing that got and enormous amount of media attention had to do with melania trump, the first lady, and some video-- was this an actual slap? or did she just pull her hand away? she pulled her hand away, but i didn't quite see the contact of a slap. - wow. leave it to fox news not to recognize what rejection from a woman looks like. [laughter, cheers, and applause] luckily for trump,

the pope didn't slap away his hand when they met, but he looked like he wanted to because--i mean, did you see the pope's face? [laughter] i don't wanna be blasphemous, but in that moment, it looked like even he was questioning whether there's a god. [laughter] but, arguably-- arguably, president trump's most important stop, the one that'll have the most impact, was in belgium, right? and that was for the nato summit. now, some leaders prefer to delegate foreign diplomacy, but trump, he takes a more hands-on approach. - the president is feeling a little bit pushy today, and when i say "pushy," i mean, literally. - the president appearing to shove the prime minister of montenegro out of the way to get to the front of the pack for a group photo. - who are you? [laughter] who does that? [cheers and applause] are you serious? after seeing what trump's hands were capable of,

clearly the new eli-- the newly elected french president wasn't taking any chances. - this handshake with frances new president, emmanuel macron, it went on and on. so long it appears president trump tried to pull away. - thank you. - their knuckles turning white. - he told a french publication... - wow. that was the first time donald trump was on the receiving end of an unwelcome hand grab, and what's worse, is that after that, president macron bragged about it to billy bush. "you should have seen him. "i moved on him like a bitch. "ah, when you are famous, you can do it, yeah. "i just grabbed him and he was like, "'let go, macron. let go.' "i said, 'you like that trump, don't you? "'you like that? "'yeah, you like it. you like it.'" now, uh... [cheers and applause] now, of course, that handshake didn't distract

from trump's hands' real agenda at the nato meeting, and that was finger wagging. because during his speech, trump lambasted the europeans for not spending more on their militaries, and he wouldn't reaffirm america's commitment to defend europe. "look, if it was up to me, "i'd fight for you, but it's up to the orb now." [laughter] "and the orb says no." so in one day, trump may have done what russia has been trying to do for 50 years. right? and that is break the alliance between the united states and europe. - multiple signs of deep divisions between the president and other leaders. - an extraordinary rift has appeared between transatlantic friends. - german chancellor angela merkel bluntly saying the u.s. is no longer a reliable partner. - a state department official who told "the daily beast" that... - okay, okay, that last on is just disrespectful. let's be honest. i mean, first of all, donald trump doesn't drink, right.

he's this way without booze. secondly, he can't dance. we know that. that's true. he can't. look at--no, when he does, we're like--when he doe-- it just looks like a monster who's been chained up. [groans] [scattered laughter and applause] now, if a normal administration came back from a big foreign trip and faced this kind of criticism, it would work hard to defend itself, maybe even address the substance of some of the concerns, but this is the trump administration. they didn't get here by being normal. why try to wrestle someone else's narrative, when you can just create your own? sean spicer! - i wanna begin by recapping the incredible, historic trip that the president and the first lady have just concluded because it truly was an extraordinary week for america and our people. we've never seen before at this point in a presidency such sweeping reassurance of american interest. this was an extraordinarily successful and historic nine-day trip the president took. outstanding success... universal praise... "in the short space of three days,

trump carried out a semi revolution." - wow. [laughter] wow. "a semi revolution." like, what does that mean? what'd you cut off half the king's head? i don't know what that means. but did you see how incredible that was, huh? not only is the administration ignoring all of the criticism of the trip, they're basically saying it was the greatest president trip of all time. and i don't care what you say, you've gotta admire that. [hip-hop music] i'm not the type to smushy garbages... you know what? i'm going for it. you are completely and utterly... awesome... i'm glad you showed up. in my life! i think i'm about to cry... you better not. every single time i... get down! you always have... my back! my back! it's really hard to describe. it's like... all these tiny little... things? yes. yes. things! are actually... friendship. ♪

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it seems like dwayne johnson can't possibly take on any more. the rock: oh, that sounds like a challenge. [crash] ♪ hey siri, get me a lyft ride to lax. [siri tone] [crash] [tires squeal] [jet engine] [siri tone[ painting, painting, painting... siri: mr. nakamura can discuss your fashion line. i'm out. ♪ rock. hey siri, take a selfie. [siri tone] ♪ [siri tone] [lilting piano music] [accordion music] - the united states will withdraw... [light applause] from the paris... climate accord... [cheers and applause] thank you. [laughter] - you know, i don't know what's worse. the fact that donald trump may have doomed the planet or the fact that he announced it like it's an episode of "the bachelorette."

[laughter] "earth, we had a great time "in the hot tub, "but i gotta give a rose to coal. my black beauty, i choose you." now, donald trump may have pulled the united states out of the paris climate agreement, but it turns out that when it comes to climate change, the states are not exactly united. - at least 10 states led by democratic governors are defying the president's decision. - they're joined by more the 150 mayors pledging to uphold the paris agreement. - california's launching its own global coalition with canada and mexico, and virginia set new standards for power plant emissions. - wow, california's just like, "hey, mexico, you guys wanna roll? "we just doing this thing? we're just doing our own thing, man." shame. poor trump. [percussive music] - air traffic control does need and upgrade, and yesterday, at the tiniest desk in the world, donald trump got it done. - today we're proposing to take

american air travel into the future, finally. finally. [applause] thank you. - thank you, mr. president. where's our leader? - now, now... now, hate him or love him, you've got to admit that donald trump looks really cute when he signs things at that tiny portable desk. yeah? looks like a little kid that's just, like, fighting hard. [grunts] [laughter] you know what-- you know what, it actually looks like one of those high chairs they give kids at restaurants. you know? like, i'm just waiting for him to flip over the page and do "the little mermaid" maze on the back. "i like there's so many walls. so many walls. my pen is like a mexican." [laughter and applause] it looks like fun. [cheers and applause] but... but i have to admit-- i have to admit, when i saw that signing, i was like, "wow, donald trump does get some things done."

stroke of a pen, boom, decisive. except then i learned that that executive order was more of an executive suggestion. - in a ceremony befitting a bill signing, the president went on to sign not a bill, but a memo to congress outlining his proposal, which has no binding effect. - what the hell, people? he just wrote a to-do list, then signed it like it was all done? he really is a tv president. like, i--and i don't know if you've noticed, but this is a recurring theme that is one of the weirdest parts of trump's presidency. he loves the performance of doing things, but a lot of the time, nothing's actually being done. essentially, donald trump wants to be president, but he doesn't wanna do president, right? remember the giant saudi arms deal last month? yes? the president was bragging on twitter? "bringing hundreds of billions of dollars "back from the usa from the middle east, which will mean jobs, jobs, jobs!"

except it turns out that there was no actual deal. there was no deal that was signed. it was people saying "maybe we'd like to do deals in the future." so trump's infrastructure plan doesn't exist, the saudi deal is not actually a deal, how about the thing he cares most about: tax cuts? - our tax bill... is moving along in congress, and i believe it's doing very well. think a lot of people will be very pleasantly surprised. - president trump may be getting ahead of himself. there is no tax bill moving along in congress. - [laughing] [laughter and applause] man... i wish all news anchors were black women 'cause they will call you out on your [bleep]. [hip-hop music]

[lilting piano music] [rock music] - you're saying your fully committed.

you know there's no future if we don't take this country back, donald trump, i hope you can help uncripple america. - you'll be looking at me in a year-- in a year or two years, let's give me a little bit of time to run things, but a year into office, you'll be saying, "wow. "i remember that interview. he said he was gonna do it, and he did a great job." you'll be very proud of... - "do you love me now, daddy? do you love me now? do you see me, daddy?" you know what's strange is now i see why donald trump has always liked alex jones. yeah, they're basically doing the same thing. trump is also a character who whips people up with whatever provocative [bleep] works, and then when it suits him, he steps away, you know? "drain the swamp! drain the swamp, folks! we're gonna drain the swamp." and then he gets in, and then there's people and he's like "ah, who cares? who cares?" on the campaign he's like, "china is raping us on trade, everybody." and then all of a sudden he goes, "president china ate my cake. it's cool. we're good now." like, maybe--you know what, maybe trump is also a performance artist.

maybe this is all a scam. maybe if he went to court it would come out. like, wouldn't that be crazy to find out? that donald trump the entire time has been somebody else. like, at the white house he's making speeches outside like, "and what we're gonna do with the wall, we're gonna make sure..." and then he goes inside and he sits down next to melania, and then melania's like, "what's wrong, donald? you seem stressed today." and he's like... [in snooty accent] "oh, my god, melania, "the people are just... "they're so insufferable, melania. "i just-- i really can't handle it. "i mean... "why do they keep-- i try everything. "i just--you know, sometimes i wonder "if i'm gonna keep on doing-- "i just--hold on, hold on, hold on. [snootily mimics trump] "hello? "fox news? yeah, yeah. "this is what i'm gonna do about the mexicans. "okay, bye-bye now. [in snooty accent] "oh, my--they're just the worst.