- mr. marsh, we apologize. and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you your long-overdue trophy. thrrrrpt! [applause] captioning by ccptionmax www.captionmax.com [exciting news theme] - from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [upbeat music] ♪ - without a doubt, one of the stars of this first phase of the trump administration has been sean spicer. like, i don't know about you, but i thought this guy was gonna be fired in week one. - this is the 2009 memo, and then... this one is the-- i've got the 13 here as well. or the 2017, rather, right here. um...with respect to, um...

uh, over the-- [murmurs] uh, moving on. i think it's pretty clear that if you look at all three of these, uh...that's what it does. [laughter] - uh...uh... [applause] uh...uh... now, sean spicer started off as incompetent, but i gotta admit-- he's totally changed his game. i mean, he's still incompetent, but now... but now he does exactly what trump wants, which is to show complete distain for the media. - you don't get to just yell out questions. we're gonna raise our hand like big boys and girls. i'm actually asking cecilia's question, if you could be as polite as to not to interrupt her. this isn't a sit around and play patty-cake kind of conversation. can you stop interrupting other people's questions? hold on, hold on. hold on, hold on, lemme-- i'm trying to answer your question. jonathan, thanks. i'll let kristen talk. we've covered this like ten times. at some point, it's not just about me. it's about you. the answer continues to be no.

- you know... [laughter] he looks less like a press secretary and more like an overworked kindergarten teacher, you know? he's like, "hey, no! hey, hey, hey, hey! hey!" [upbeat music] last week, ben carson was confirmed as the new secretary of housing and urban development, or, as president trump calls him, [as trump] "the secretary of blacks." now, as is customary, the secretary gave his first official speech to lay out his vision, and you know normally a ben carson speech is a bedtime story in a suit. but after this speech, everybody was woke. - a sharp reaction to ben carson's remarks. - the housing secretary under fire for comparing slavery to immigration. - that's what america... is about-- a land of dreams and opportunity. there were other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships-- worked even longer, even harder for less. - look, i love ben carson, but calling slaves immigrants is like saying, "it's not kidnapping. that person just got a free vacation in a basement!"

so obviously, everyone jumped on ben carson for this, and like a surgeon who forgot his sponge in someone's stomach, last night, ben carson went back in. okay, ben carson. challenge accepted. let's look up the word immigrant. [thud] [cheers and applause] siri... is a slave an immigrant? - oh, hell, no! [upbeat music] is betsy devos qualified to lead the education department? well, yesterday, the senate sat her down to test her on her knowledge of education stuff. now, one of betsy devos's main jobs

would be to improve student performance. now, some say you should measure that by what students know, as in proficiency. others say you should measure it by how much students improve, growth. betsy devos, she says, "wha...?" - i would like your views on the relative advantage of measuring, doing assessments, and using them to measure proficiency or to measure growth. - if i'm understanding your question correctly, around proficiency i would--i would also, um, correlate it to competency and mastery so that you--each student is measured according to the, um, advancement that they're making in each subject area. - well, that's growth. that's not proficiency. - the proficiency is if they've... reached a, like, third-grade level for reading, etcetera. [stammering] - no, i'm talking about the debate between proficiency and growth. i was kind of, uh, surprised--

well, i'm not that surprised that you did not know this issue. [crowd commotion] [applause] - damn! uh... i would like to enter that shade into the record. yeah, immediately after he said that, all the other senators were like... [laughter] so after a day of hearings, we learned betsy devos clearly has no clue about how to run the education department. so the question is, why is she being nominated in the first place? - mrs. devos, there is a growing fear, i think, in this country, that we are moving... toward what some would call an oligarchic form of society. would you be so kind as to tell us how much money your family has contributed to the republican party over the years? - i wish i could give you that number. i don't know. - i have heard was 200 million--does that sound in the ballpark? - collectively, between... - yeah, over the years. - my entire family, that's possible.

- do you think if your family has not made hundreds of millions of dollars of contributions to the republican party that you would be sitting here today? - bernie! [fake sobbing] bernie, we miss you, bernie! why didn't we listen, bernie? [sobbing] ohh, bernie. but he's right. she's gonna get confirmed even though she failed everything. every subject she got at the hearing-- failed, failed, failed, failed. except donations 101. and that's why i feel like this hearing was a perfect metaphor for the worst of the education system in america. here's a student who's clearly not proficient in the required subject matter, but because of the system, we know they're still gonna get pushed through. we'll be right back.

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it starts up very quickly. it's instant, in fact. powerful. takes you by surprise, because it breaks from the norm. my name is brodie neill, and i'm a furniture designer. [upbeat music] ♪ - on sunday, we learned that trump's senior advisor, kellyanne conway, has a different term for falsehood. - the president asked the white house press secretary to come out in front of the podium for the first time... and utter a falsehood.

why did he did that? - don't be so overly dramatic about it, chuck. you're saying it's a falsehood, and they're giving--sean spicer, our press secretary gave...alternative facts to that. - i like that she can taste the bull[bleep] in her mouth. i like that...just that moment where kellyanne's like, "he gave--mmm-- what is that? mmm-- alternative facts. ohh, ohh, what is that?" my favorite part is you can tell she's lying because right after she says it, she tries to casually flip her hair afterwards, like she's all chill. - our press secretary gave... alternative facts to that. but the point remains-- - wait a minute-- alternative facts? alternative facts for the five facts he uttered. [applause] [laughter] - it's the choke, the laugh, the hair-- i honestly wish my girl had a tell that big. i'd win every argument. i'd be like, "hey, i heard you were at the club last night." she'd be like, "no, i went to... my mother's..." [laughter]

"i thought your mom was dead." "yeah, but she's... better now." ♪ it's almost like if you're a woman in the white house you've gotta know that your job won't be business as usual, because the president is dogged by sexual assault, and the vice president is extreme in a totally different kind of way. - the "washington post" reporting the vice president won't have dinner alone with other women or attend events where alcohol is served unless his wife is by his side. - so mike pence refuses to be alone with a woman who isn't his wife. like, maybe that's why trump picked him? to balance the ticket out? [as trump] "i grab them by the pussy. "he avoids them at all costs. it averages out to a handshake. equality." [applause]

you know what's interesting about what mike pence says there, right? he won't be alone with a woman. he won't be alone with her-- like, this is once again where people get exposed. so many conservative republicans-- what do they do? they spend all their time bashing muslims, right, for how they treat women, and yet they seem to be perfectly fine over here with sharia mike who's going, "no women alone with me one on one--nothing!" now, i understand it's hard for some people to see mike pence's actions as sexism, but here's a hypothetical. what if a female senator wanted to discuss legislation at dinner with mike pence, right? he wouldn't do it unless there's a chaperone? like, why? what, is he afraid that they'll just start banging in the middle of dinner? how irresistible does mike pence think he is? he's just sitting there like, "there's no way "we can be in this room and not have sex. "how do you think my hair got so white? i [bleep] the color out of it." [hip-hop]

for more on jeff sessions, let's go live to trump tower where senior transition correspondent jordan klepper is standing by, everybody. - thank you, trevor. [applause] thank you. trevor, jeff sessions is a great pick for attorney general. i'm proud of trump for making such a bold choice. - okay, hold on, jordan, before we move on, what the hell are you wearing? - oh. you know, trump doesn't trust the media, so the only way i can get close enough to trump tower without getting noticed is to dress up as a hot dog vendor. - i don't think you're blending in, jordan. you look like you're selling hot dogs in the 1950s. - well, that's where most of trump's policies come from, so i thought i'd fit right in. - let's talk about this. a lot of people are worried about jeff sessions. he's so anti-immigration, you know, between him and trump, where does this end? will there be mass deportation of illegal immigrants? - well, sure, some people might call it mass deportation while others may call it opening up late-night hosting opportunities for hard-working legal americans. - jordan, i keep telling you, i'm not illegal. - well, that's not gonna matter in a couple of months. - all right, let's move on. what about the allegations of racism? jeff sessions was denied

a federal judgeship in 1986 because he allegedly used the n-word and made a joke about liking the kkk. - come on. what white guy hasn't been accused of being racist for making a joke? i joke about the kkk all the time, and i also go to their rallies. it doesn't make me a racist! - i think it makes you a member of the kkk. - member, grand wizard-- these are all just words! don't be so sensitive! - all right, but jordan, okay, here's my biggest problem, right? jeff sessions is on the wrong side of voting rights. he's supported voter id laws, which we know unfairly target minorities and poor people. in fact, he even said it was good for the south when the supreme court struck down a key portion of the voting rights act. - oh, come on, trevor, he's stopping people from voting? half of americans don't vote anyway. he's practically doing them a favor--think about it. to vote, you have to get time off work, wait in line for hours. now i've gotta choose who's going to represent me for the next four years. i have to talk to that little old lady at the polling place, which i hate! - jordan, i can't believe

you would defend jeff sessions. - oh, trevor, i gotta go. stephen baldwin is coming into trump tower. oh, wait, that's just a pile of wet boxes. i'm gonna go there anyway, all right? mr. baldwin, mr. baldwin! - all right, thank you, jordan. jordan klepper, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ 5 truth or dare is back.

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this feels like a luxury suv. i love this little 360, how do they even do that? i made a bad decision on my last car purchase. well, your car's here. bummer... bummer. wah-wah. i'm ready for an upgrade. (laughter) ♪ this'll be the real deal ♪ oh yeah ♪ this'll be the real deal ♪ oh yeah ♪ oh yeah

[upbeat music] ♪ - jared kushner, at just 36 years old, is already a senior advisor in the trump white house. until recently, he was the head of a powerful new york real estate empire, and just to make you feel extra bad, here are his abs. yeah. overachiever. but most importantly, jared kushner is donald trump's son-in-law and husband to ivanka trump. and i bet when they were getting married back in 2009

jared probably never expected it would lead to a job in high-stakes international diplomacy. - tonight, president trump's son-in-law, jared kushner, is at the center of another high-profile diplomatic mission-- meeting with the iraqi prime minister in baghdad. - the president's son-in-law and senior advisor met with the iraqi prime minister to discuss the fight against isis and get a first-hand look at the situation on the ground. - wait. he has to fight isis? i mean, it's crazy, but to be fair, maybe this isn't the worst idea, you know? if anyone could drive isis crazy, it's a new york landlord. that's true...yeah. [with accent] "you are saying if we want to move into iraq "we have to pay a broker's fee? forget it! forget it! "all you did was open the door! you just opened the door! 5%?! 5%?! bah!" now, overseeing the fight against isis would be a big job for anyone, but kushner-- he wouldn't reach the number one spot in our real president standings if that were his only responsibility. - has been planning this week's visit of the chinese president to mar-a-lago, and he's also tasked with

brokering peace in the middle east. - oh...is that all? [laughter] i like how they... i like how they just slid "peace in the middle east" in there as an afterthought, you know? like trump said, [as trump] "hey, plan me a party "for me and the chinese president and, uh, also create peace in the middle east." he was like, "what? that's insane! "i don't even know what your favorite color balloons are, man!" so...defeating isis, bringing peace to the middle east. that's a lot of responsibility. but maybe, just maybe, jared kushner has a shot if he focuses on nothing else. - and the president tapping his son-in-law to reform the criminal justice system, not to mention he's running the new office of american innovation where he's responsible for reforming veteran care tackling the opioid epidemic, and overseeing the not-so-small-feat of revamping the entire federal government. that's all! that's all! [cheers and applause]

that's all. wow. trump is giving jared kushner so much to do. and here you were bitching about your father-in-law asking you to set up the wi-fi, yeah. from now on you'll be like, "i'm glad. i'm so glad." ♪ - so, michelle, what do you make of ivanka? a lot of people are really hyping her up as feminism's great hope under trump. - i mean...is she? ivanka's been silent on so many women's issues, like healthcare, domestic abuse, reproductive rights... - okay, yeah, but to be fair, no one can speak out on everything. she did propose a maternity leave policy. - her proposal only covers married women. you know who it leaves out? all the single ladies. - all the single ladies? - all the single ladies! - michelle, that's really unfair, because single moms have to deal with a lot of [bleep]. - yeah, and speaking of [bleep], let's talk about ivanka's childcare policy. she proposes a tax deduction for the cost of childcare, but that does nothing for poor people.

they have nothing to deduct from. that's like offering me a free breast reduction. it's a nice gesture, but you're really not taking my situation into account. my boobs get any smaller, and they'd be concave... like chest dimples. - if ivanka's policies benefit so few women, then why is she seen as a feminist icon? - well, that's because that's her brand. it always has been. [as ivanka] i'm successful and powerful. how can you be like me? buy my handbag! - i started this company for women who inspire me. my collection is designed for the modern, professional woman. [upbeat music] ♪ we have an awesome collection of dresses that are meant for working women like ourselves. i've found that a dress is like my secret weapon.

- oh, my gosh, silly me! this whole time, i was learning math! turns out... [cheers and applause] i don't know what i was thinking. i don't know. it turns out all i really needed was to buy the right outfit. this isn't feminism. it's "women be shoppin'." and, look, i'm not faulting her for making a buck off women. but let's all stop pretending it's anything more than that. because whether it's her brand or her policies, it's designed with one type of woman in mind. ivanka's feminism is the lululemon model. it's for rich white women, and you can see right through it. - damn! - before you put too much hope in ivanka, remember, she promotes a brand of feminism that makes her rich by exploiting the very people she's claiming to help. that's not being a feminist. that's being a trump. ♪

- eric trump, the least [bleep] of the trumps, admitted...admitted in "forbes" that contrary to what he said, his dad would still be running the businesses. that's what he told us. yeah. he was like, [as eric] "remember how, "back in late february i said i wouldn't "involve my dad in our businesses? well, now i'm gonna report to him sometimes all the time." trump bombed syria because ivanka talked him into it. i wonder if eric was jealous. [as eric] "oh, so you can order an air strike for ivanka, "but you can't order eli manning "to come to my birthday party? "you're the president, dad! he has to do what you say! oh, my god!" i can only imagine what it's like on a first date with eric. [as eric] "hey, great to meet you, ashly. do you do anal?" [laughter] can i just say, telling nature to go [bleep] itself while standing in a garden is a pretty gangster move. i'm not gonna lie. like the only way that could have been more messed up is if he did it with a polar bear standing in the background. yeah.

although, i'm sure eric would have shown up and shot the polar bear. [as eric] "father, look what i brought you! do you love me now? do you love me now?" ♪ blue moon is brewed mwith valencia orange peel, for a taste that shines brighter.

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dj: hey siri, remind me to csiri: okay, i'll remind you. [door crashing] [reminder ding] dj: already on it. ♪ [siri ding] it has the same great taste it's always had. even the same sound. [sfx: buschhhhh] [sfx: eagle cries] then he tried tostitos scoopsl foand salsa.... ...and started following them in real life. hey, mike. 'sup? oh...

tostitos. bring the party. ♪ - in this administration, it seems that at one time or another, everyone is on the chopping block. - reports are swirling around white house chief of staff reince priebus that he may be the next to go. - trump's chief strategist steve bannon is facing an uncertain future. - there have been these persistent rumors that sean spicer's job could be under threat. - you know, getting fired at the start of the trump administration is like being kicked off of the "titanic" before it sets sail. the moment it happens, you might feel [bleep], but in a few months, you're probably gonna be watching tv like, "ha ha ha! they all died! "ha ha ha! that could have been me! ha ha!" - are you ready for the ultimate professional thrill ride? then strap in for... can you handle a job at trump's white house?

are you man enough... or at least not a woman? start each day never knowing if it will be your last! [all screaming] wade through the sewer of infighting. [jared giggling] [all screaming] lose your [bleep] in the colludinator! and if you're too much of a pussy to handle a big boy job, then take a stumble through the white house press kiddy pool. - um...with respect to, um... uh, over-- moving on-- - thrills, chills, and more investigations than your ass can handle. two weeks in the white house. a lifetime in prison. - sounds like a great deal. we'll be right back. ♪ - [imitating tone, coughs] - [as trump] you're fired! sorry, steve. you're fi--sorry, ivanka. the president's fighting with the mirror again,

everybody! you're fi--who is this guy? you're fired! - mr. president, we gotta go. - no, you're fi--hold on. he's a tough negotiator. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight to chat about his new album "jungle rules," french montana is joining us! ( cheers and applause ) first, over the weekend we finally got to see michael phelps race a great white shark -- no we didn't. >> the much hyped shark event had fans hoping to