"no, we're--no, we're not. don't do that. don't say that. don't put that message out there." i said, "hey, man, don't [bleep] do that shit in front of me. go out there and dance if you want to dance." he said, "all right, cool, cool." he go out there on the dance floor. he sees this girl. he starts dancing. he ain't doing nothing crazy. he's just two-stepping. mm, mm. him and a girl dancing. out of nowhere, this guy walks up. he's got, like, five guys with him, right? he grabbed the girl. he looked at spank. he said, "hey, man, you don't want this [bleep] problem." now, in my mind, i said, "oh, shit, we about to fight." so i did what i do. i took a beer bottle. i broke it, 'cause i was about to stab this bitch in the face. i'm lying. i tried to break it. it didn't break, so i sat down. listen, whatever. that has nothing to do with the story. that's neither here nor there. okay, so i sit down. i'm looking, right? this is the shit that was wild. when the guy moved the girl, he was like, "yeah, you don't want this [bleep] problem." out of nowhere, he was like, "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." now, this is the shit that made me laugh. when he was doing this, right, his friends behind him was like, "ohhhhh-oh!

ohhhhh!" i was like, "what the [bleep]? what's going on? what the hell is this?" so he grabs spank's chest. when he grabbed his chest, he was like, "yeah! what i got, what i got, what i got." now the bitch in me came out. i was like, "what is it? what's in his hand? what does he have?" he said, "i got your heart, [bleep]. i got your [bleep] heart. i'm about to eat it. ah, ah, ah, mm." he said, "yeah i ate it, bitch. ooh, it's nasty. ah, ugh, threw it back up." he said, "take it back--mm!" hit spank on the head. spank came back to life, 'cause technically spank was dead for, like, 32 seconds, because the guy-- the guy had his heart. so when he gave it back, i was like, "yo, spank, we should leave, 'cause next time, he might not be that nice. he might not give it back." so spank was like, "yo, man, [bleep] that. he want to battle, let's battle." i said, "spank, there's five of them, okay? you're not gonna do it by yourself. tag me in." he said, "what?" i said, "tag me in. hit my hand. i'ma go here. i'm gonna bring it right back here, okay? just hit my hand. i'm gonna go here with it. i'm gonna bring it right back here. he said, "no, kev, [bleep] that. i got him. i'm about to get in a car on this bitch." i said, "what?" he said, "i'm about to get

in a car on his ass." i said, "whatever, fine, do you." he said, "when i get to the other side of the room, throw me the car keys." i said, "my real car keys?" he said, "bitch, throw me the keys." i said, "okay, i'm not gonna argue with you. whatever, fine, okay." so spank starts dancing. he gets to the other side of the room. he's going off, right? he said, "kev, i'm at the car. throw me the keys." i take out my car keys. i throw 'em, hard as shit. mm! when i throw 'em, this bitch ducks. when he ducks, it hit the glass behind the bar. all the glass break. alcohol fall down. the bartender looked at me. he said, "you gonna have to pay for this shit." i said, "i would, but the way that my bank account is set up, i got a checking and savings..." y'all been great, l.a. i'm kevin hart. [crowd cheering] thank you! [crowd cheering] [hip-hop music] ♪

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show"! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you, everybody! i'm trevor noah. my guest tonight co-chair of the bill & melinda gates foundation, bill gates is here, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) put your laptops away! he's not fixing those today. before we begin, some news from croatia, billboards that featured first lady plan plan and the slogan just imagine how far you can go with a little bit of english have been taken down after her lawyer threatened to sue.

just imagine how far you can go with a little bit of english. i can't believe that put that up there with melania's picture. it should have been a picture of donald, let's be honest. ( laughter ) although maybe melania wasn't mad. maybe she was trying to save someone else from her fate. to me it sounds like a threat -- learn a little english and you will end up a prisoner like me! don't do it! ( laughter ) but let's turn to our main story. over the last few weeks, we've seen a barrage of hurricanes hammer the caribbean and atlantic coast. but for the white house, there's been another storm brewing, not the kind that makes trump's hair look like this but rather one that could also leave him without power. i'm talking of course about hurricane mala. >> shocks waves in the russia investigation. >> robert mueller turning his attention toward president trump, requesting documents and information from the white house related to a range of events including the

president's firings of former national security advisor michael flynn and former f.b.i. director james comey. >> bob mueller is not going to be stopped. >> trevor: he's relentless, like trump's personal freddy krueger. trump wakes up in the middle of the night, like, mother! no, no! it's just a dream. it's just me and you, melania. that's right, donald, you're under arrest! ahhh! ( laughter ) one of mother's recent targets has been paul manafort, trump's campaign chairman. the feds are going hard after paul manafort. >> things are looking grim for paul manafort. they raided his house use ago tactic they use for drug dealers and mob guys. >> after picking the log on his front door, took binders stuffed with documents, cop idea computer files and took pictures of his expensive suits.

>> the last one sondes like the f.b.i. is window shopping. not sure why they have to take pictures of his suits unless they were looking for crimes against passion -- really? a double-breasted suit with your figure? really? i think the justice department will have something to say about that! ( snaps ) ( laughter ) seriously, that is intense. surprise visits in the middle of the night? all up in his phones? ladies, get you a man who wants you as bad as mother wants manafort. i get why manafort is drawing this much heat because everything he's done till now has been shady. >> manafort was offering to set up a briefing on the campaign with one of russia's richest oligarch, somebody close to vladimir putin. >> agreed to provide readings on the race to someone close to the creme rine in a july email.

>> man fort offered to brief an oligarch on the campaign he was running for trump? does it prove he did anything wrong? no. but when has the phrase russian oligarch ever been good? it's like the words a cappella concert or unmarked van or homemade condom. ( laughter ) yeah, crocheted for her pleasure. ( laughter ) so this news is all coming out now. it actually makes you see why last year manafort answered questions about russia like this -- >> so to be clear president trump has no financial relationships with any russian oligarchs? >> that's what he said. that's what i -- that's obviously what our position is. >> trevor: wow... smooth! ( laughter ) i don't care what the question, is that answer is always guiltiy. like, if you were ever trying to lie to your girlfriend, this guy would be a horrible alibi. so, manafort, my boyfriend says he was hanging with you all

night last night? >> that's what he said. that's what i said. that's obviously what our position is. >> trevor: i'm going to murder his cheating ass! ( laughter ) so as the mueller investigation ramps up and details keep coming out, the trump administration is now facing more tough questions. so this morning they sent out human white noise machine mike pence to handle it. >> the story this morning is about the mueller investigation and i would like to ask you, as it focuses on the president's words in the oval office and actions in the white house, what impact is that having on this administration. >> well, let me assure you that, as we see, for the first time, three category 4 hurricanes make landfall in the united states, as we see threats like north korea and an increasing destabilizing role by iran, as we see challenges here at home in healthcare and the need to

move this economy forward, i can assure you president trump and i are completely focused on the issues that matter the most to the american people. ( laughter ) >> trevor: that is the greatest response to a simple question i have ever heard. can you imagine if you gave that answer to a policeman who had just pulled you over. sir, have you been drinking? uh, i just want to say that i have been really focused on the hurricanes that have made -- and the threat from north korea and -- and iran -- and -- and this country... you've really put things into perspective. you're free to go. ( laughter ) thanks to the russian investigation we've learned so many new ways to evade questions. manafort with the stutter step. mike pence with the smoke screen. and if you really want to know how to not answer a question, there's only one man you can go to, master spice. >> let's talk about the russia issue which seems to be plaguing the presidency. has the mueller team reached out

to you at all? >> i'm not going to discuss that issuet all. >> do you have a lawyer. >> i'm not going to discuss that issue. >> do you have a subpoena? >> i'm not going to discuss that issue at all. >> did you hear within the white house that mueller should be fired? >> i'm not going to discuss that issue at all. >> trevor: did you catch that look up at the end there? that's a man who knows where the bodies are buried. he knows. what was that? ( laughter ) i'm genuinely worried how spicer will come out of this whole thing because it seems he's ready to sign a confession when you ask him anything. >> have you ever lied to the american people? >> i don't think so. >> you don't think so? >> no. i don't cheat on my taxes. >> ungively you can say no? >> i -- i -- look, again, you panned want the to find something -- i've not knowingly done anything to do that, no. >> trevor: it's like sean spicer has all the tells at the same time. no, no, i've never lied or, or cheated, no, on anything.

you're the light cheater. next questions. what? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) you know what he reminds me of? jim carrey in liar liar when he's trying to not to talk, where he's just like, ahhh! -- ( laughter ) like sean spicer and his tells may actually end up being a giant problem for trump and his team because, although he left the white house, it turns out the spice may have kept receipts. >> there was an axios report this morning sean spicer's notebooks potentially could be relevant and back in whitewater there was an aide who kept very detailed notes, his diaries were subpoenaed, those became part of the investigation, so anything

anyone ever wrote down or said about you could get dragged into this. >> spicer was taking notes? oh, donald trump is so screwed. he is so screwed. because with anyone else, they would probably just destroy the evidence. with sean spicer, he'd start to burn the notebooks but end up setting himself on fire and it just wouldn't work. you know what this whole thing reminds me of? the wire. yeah. donald trump wouldn't be in this spot if only he had hired stringer bell. ( laughter ) >> (bleep) what is that. >> (bleep) is you taking notes on a criminal conspiracy? what are you thinking, man? ( paper crinkling ) >> get out of here! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) to get unlimited data for only $50 per month with the cricket unlimited 2 plan. plus get a free select smartphone when you switch.

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company's nearly 1600 stores. >> trevor: for more on this, chief business analyst roy wood, jr., everybody! ( cheers and applause ) roy, as someone who's spent a lot of time in children's toy stores, what are your thoughts on this? >> as a child, spent time in the store as a child. >> trevor: of course. so, roy, like, what happened? what did toys "r" us do wrong? >> well, trevor, i think what happened with toys "r" us, honestly, shouldn't surprise investors. toys "r" us didn't keep up with the times. it's up in the slogan. ♪ i don't want to grow up ♪ well, you should have! kids don't want toys now, they want gadgets. they're hacking wikileaks on the ipads and etchy sketch doesn't have bluetooth. amish kids are like, connect four? where's the exploding hover boards? times are changing. >> trevor: that's interesting. >> what's with that mascot, stupid-ass giraffe?

geoffrey, spells it with a g like a douche bag. that's not a kid friendly name. that's a dude that makes his own craft beer under a bowling ally. got no swag. the other thing with the stores, i'm not surprised people stopped going to toys "r" us. the store is too damn big. when i was a kid they had all the good toys up on the high shesm. my momma asked me what i wanted tore christmas one year, i said a forklift! to get up there. you know who did it right? the toy stores inside the mall. coming up in africa, you didn't really come up around shopping malls. >> we had some of the biggest shopping malls in the world. >> i'm talking about the ones with the roofs. ( laughter ) we had this place in our malls, kb toys, way better than toys "r" us and parents loved it because they could leave their kids in there while they shop.

little roy, i'm going to go look for a nice dress to leave your daddy in, you stay here in the store. ( laughter ) it was great. at kb toys, you could play with the toys because you could (bleep) reach them! and the cashier was cool as hell, too. he didn't care if we were tearing up the toys, he was too busy trying to bang the girl over at spencer's gifts! ( laughter ) even when he caught me shoplifting in third grade, he didn't call the cops. he just looked me dead in the eyes and said, put the toy back before i beat yo ass with it. ( laughter ) you know what i did? i put it back. you have to respect a man willing to whip your ass with a plastic space shuttle. if that was toys "r" us, i'd still be in custody. ( laughter ) >> trevor: they're not closing, they're using the bankruptcy to reorganize and start fresh. you are a new parent yourself.

>> yeah, 16-month-old ( applause ) >> trevor: really beautiful kid as well. >> expensive. >> trevor: how could toys "r" us attract you as a parent into their stores? >> well, first of all, drive-through window. >> trevor: good idea, so you can pick up online orders. >> no, to drop your kids off. i got stuff to do. no time to find parking. >> trevor: you would be cool just dropping your kids at toys "r" us? >> right now, no, but it would be nice if the giraffe would learn cpr, that would put me at ease. i'd be all right with it then. >> trevor: sounds like you just wand toys "r" us to provide you free childcare daycare. >> do you want to survive in this changing landscape or not? ( laughter ) you have to make drastic changes. >> trevor: like what sthmpleghts liquor license. >> trevor: what kind of toy store has a liquor license? >> one not in bankruptcy. toys "r" us sold booze, i'd go there after work kid or no kid,

hop in power wheels, would be nice. >> trevor: you're not helping. roy wood, jr., everyone. we'll be right back. it's what busch is known for. what are you known for? i'm cool under pressure. what is that? a fish hook? (chuckling) golly! [sfx: buschhhhh]

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back. my guest tonight is the co-founder of microsoft and one of the world's leading philanthropists through his work at the bill & melinda gates foundation. please welcome bill gates! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> great to be here. >> trevor: good to see you again and congratulations on all the work you have been doing. i've always wan wanted to know w do you go from being the richest man in the world an not chasing

what everyone thinks they would chase which is the yachts and say i'm going to end malaria, that's what i want to do with my money? >> well, my wife and i talked a lot about where this money could go back and have the biggest impact. one of the big areas we picked was global health, making sure that a lot less children die and big diseases like h.i.v. get cured. ( applause ) >> trevor: and the foundation has been part of some amazing work around the globe. just looking at the work that you've done, would you say that the world is in a better place, not just because of what you've done, but the world as a whole, do you think the world is in a better place than 20, 30 years ago? >> oh, absolutely. it's stunning how whether it's literacy or less workplace accidents, children dying under five, violence as a whole, the world is improving and, you know, our role is to take where that's been done really well and

accelerate it a little bit, get some scientists to come up with breakthroughs more quickly. but that framework that things are basically working and, you know, even poor countries now have longer life expectancies than the very richest country had just 100 years ago, i'm surprised that people aren't aware of that as kind of the baseline of where we are. >> trevor: how do you then keep people inspired and motivated to do good things? because on the one hand you say, trevor, i need your help, we need to fight malaria and think of ways to get young girls into school around the world, and on the other hand you go things are better than ever before. then i go, well, so do you need my help or not? ( laughter ) >> no, it's true. if we're comparing over time, you might think, oh, we could be complacent, but the beauty of this is that our tolerance for children dying, our tolerance for violence, mistreating race

or women, our tolerance for that has gone down, and that is a great thing. the fact that it's taboo, you know, that men don't do -- we don't drown witches, we think of slavery as a completely awful thing. >> trevor: except in charlottesville, but yeah. ( laughter ) >> all right. ( laughter ) there are setbacks. let me be clear. it's not a steadily decreasing. so h.i.v. came along. >> trevor: right. >> big setback. civil wars like in syria, you know, terrible setback. you know, i'm working on trying to get polio eradicated, and, you know, now in the syria civil war we have cases, and it's very tough to get the vaccines out when you have that kind of violence. >> trevor: now, some people would say, bill gates, you have billions of dollars, why don't you just fix it all yourself? you want to do it, just pay the money and fix the things. but it's surprising to find out that it takes a lot more money

than even you have to fix these problems. >> that's right. i'm super lucky. warren buffett has given a lot of his wealth to our foundation. >> trevor: right. >> you know, i had the success of microsoft. but even so, what we spend is about an eighth as much in helper poor countries as the u.s. government spends, and, so, you know, all the governments of the world are the key for h.i.v. medicine or all this aid, you know, it's less than 1% of the u.s. budget to help, you know, 95% of the world's people. >> trevor: right. >> with all of their tough problems. but that's the big money, and, so, making sure that people know that it's working and so they're willing to say that 1% should be preserved, that's a key fight. >> trevor: how do you get a billionaire to give you all of their money? ( laughter ) , like, i mean, you say warren buffett gave you his money and

many other billionaires are, like, yeah, take my money! hypothetically, let's say i wanted to get a billionaire to give me all their money, how do i go about -- ( laughter ) -- like how do you start the conversation? ( laughter ) >> well, in fact, they're not giving it to me. >> trevor: i know what you mean, but they're giving it. >> it's true. i have been amazed. americans are very generous. we have more big philanthropists than other countries. countries like china and india are hoping the psalm tradition develops. some people are nice. some people don't like to think about their death. when you say, okay, you're going to have to give it away because you can't take it with you, it does force them to think about how much are they giving to their kids and that they won't live ove forever. so i won't say it's an easy topic to bring it up. i think it's great for more people to give it thought. >>