yone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. j.d.: work seems different now that i'm a resident. i feel more confident, more like a-- hell, i'll say it-- a doctor. good morning, people. you're gonna be fine, ma'am. i work here. still doesn't change the fact that you're gonna be fine. why in the hell are you wearing a coat? because i'm a doctor. look, babs, if you're truly worried about people seeing your ass, you just go ahead and do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist. well, i look doctorly. no, you look like the guy who goes to a garage sale, buys a bronze star, pins it to his lapel, and then tells everybody to call him "sarge." and newbie, nobody likes that guy. not a soul. i was in the military. where did you come from? if i find out you're wearing a bronzie without having served, i'm gonna make things uncomfortable for you. j.d.: coat-wearing doctors do not take this crap.

you were never in the military. yes, i was. which branch? the janitor branch. i'm watching you. that's right, sasquatch. j.d.: you see, things have changed. we've begun to adapt to new situations. oh, my back is on fire. if dr. amato was any shorter, i'd be passing him instruments with my feet. dr. turk, i need you down here. [whimpers] coming down. j.d.: even other people are starting to see us differently. hey there, doctor. oh, me, of course, because i'm a-- i'm a doctor. i mean, i've got the-- i've got the outfit. i've got the, uh, heart-hearing thingy. stethoscope. ooh. paging dr. know-it-all to the cafeteria. heh! oh! sweet baby james! j.d.: most importantly, we've started to treat each other with respect. dude, you are such a loser, man.

i think i look spiffy. i'm trying to separate myself from the whole pack. aw, you already have, bambi, you're the biggest geek to ever come through here. yeah, he is. don't laugh. you're the jocky frat boy with a back problem. yeah, i am. oh, do me, do me, do me! you're gonna want to be careful about yelling that out in a bar. i'm serious. all you guys get to be something. the dork, the jock, the spicy firecracker from the school of hard knocks. no offense, carla. damn it, what am i? you're white. the whitest. yeah. you are. oh, come on. j.d.'s white. i ain't hearing that, woman, 'cause i'm talking to him. ok. it's a tie. t-diddy? ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know i'm no superman ♪ captioning made possible by buena vista television ♪ i'm no superman

you've got me in the i.c.u for a cold? mr. blair, you have a sever sinus infection with orbital extension. you were admitted delirious from your 106-degree temperature, completely nekkid, and very adamant about staying that way. i was hot. i'll second that. mm-hmm. sharp coat, sport. well, yeah, it's spiffy. shocker, big bob. you care more about appearances-- better finish that thought quickly, perry. i'm not breaking my gait. i'm just saying, substance, style, what's important, coat not.

ha ha! too slow! i think you really got through to him. oh, my god. you hear like a bat. [thinking] idiot! i wish i had a guy in my life that would stop me before i did something stupid. ♪ mistake [thinking] i don't know why he's an opera singer. little closely, tiny dancer. i wouldn't be flapping my mouth if i'd forgotten to get a blood culture on mr. blair, and for the love of god, do you at least remember what you were doing the day they were passing out common sense? oh, gosh, maybe you were running late that day 'cause you just couldn't find the right thong for those low-rider jeans that you love so much. or maybe you were busy bopping along to whatever boy band really makes your heart race nowadays and you just drove on by. of course, i don't know. i'm just guessing. but one thing's sure as shootin'. you wound up at the dumb-dumb store, and you just went ahead and put as much of that into the car as you could fit, didn't you?

j.d.: and then i did something i've never done before. look, doctor, if you flip the page on that chart, you'd see that i pan cultured him yesterday, but that would probably get in the way of the perverse pleasure you take in pointing out other people's slip-ups. well, too bad, buster brown, because i'm a resident now. and i'm not gonna be making the same little silly intern mistakes i made last year. i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't stand here and yell at me in front of my patient. buster brown? buster brown. [thinking] focus all energy on lip not quivering. [growls] [thinking] wow. how's the back, sweetness? perfect. baby, i'm sorry the last couple of nights i haven't been able to give you the regular dosage of the turkey-jerkey, but you rest assured, your man will be back in action before you know it. you go ahead and take your time. [sighs] hey, there, big fella. just checked the board. we're together on a thyroidectomy this afternoon. could be a long one. oh, that's great, dr. amato. domo arigato, dr. amato.

how was that not funny? i don't know, dude. you know, you guys are getting to be like starsky and hutch. that would be true if starsky was a ventriloquist and hutch was a tiny puppet. i would watch that show. yeah. why do you keep ending up with that guy? because the other surgeons are busting my chops for skipping guys' night out. oh, what, ending up with dr. amato is, like, a punishment or something? no, dude, i actually enjoy needing you to lower me on the toilet in the morning. check that out. j.d.: i know it looks innocent, but elliot was late this morning. plus, once you've been here a while, you learn to read between the lines. [indistinct conversation] mmm? mm-hmm. well, mrs. bumbry, i wish i had better news, but unfortunately, you didn't qualify for the g.i. clinical trial. so we'll just keep plugging away. great. so how was the sex with that guy? what guy? i--i wasn't-- elliot! i have other patients. mrs. bumbry needs a nap. we're all very busy. i've never done anything like this. i just met him and slept with him.

pow! god, i miss one-night stands. the best thing was, since i knew it was just a fling, i wasn't afraid to ask him for exactly what i wanted. which was? shirt on, lights off, no talking. well, you just be careful. you wouldn't believe how quickly a reputation can be made in this hospital. you're a bit of a slut, aren't you? ♪ here comes my baby ♪ here she comes now ♪ and it can come as no surprise... ♪ as soon as we get out of this sterile field, i'm am going to need the man who hit that to hit that! ♪ here she comes now ♪ walking with a love ♪ with a love that's all so fine ♪ ♪ never could be mine ♪ no matter how i try [music grinds to a halt] wait a minute. i'm elliot reid.

people! listen up! this rumor ends right now! she slept with him, and she hardly knew him. does that happen a lot around here? not enough. mr. blair, that infection keeps hanging around, so i want to put you on a broader spectrum antibiotic that we'll administer intravenously. but i'm feeling a lot better. i'm gonna tell you something my mom used to tell me whenever i was scared. "in the case of severe sinus infection "not responding to a 3-day cycle of antibiotics, "the recommended protocol is imipenem 500 milligrams i.v.q. 6 hours." it got me through a lot of hard times. j.d.: i love it that mr. blair trusted me. it's one of the best feelings you can have as a doctor. how's it going? you can't wear that. what, you mean after labor day? eh. you know what i mean. it's a white coat. anybody can wear a white coat. jerk. you're what we call a "goner." i'm kidding. there's nothing here.

so mrs. bumbry here has inflammatory bowel disease, huh? yeah, and the new drug they're testing at the clinical trial could really help her out, but, of course, she doesn't qualify. right. you ok, mrs. bumbry? i liked bow wow when he was lil' bow wow. oh, she's right. rappers, they grow up so fast. look, carla, if you're gonna survive in medicine, you've got to accept the fact that rules are rules. hey, anyone from that clinical trial around? [whistling] hello? hello? yeah, this lady's supposed to be in this trial. ok. what the hell did you just do? when you speak of this, and i know you will, could i be shirtless? see, i think it would be even more impressive if i was shirtless. look, all i'm saying is if you're a criminal, even if you aren't afraid of starsky, if you round a corner and a tiny little hutch puppet jumps out at your face-- "freeze, sucker!" you're done for. it's over. does he have real gun or a puppet gun? puppet gun. they'd sew it to his hand. ok. i'd watch that. you know what i'm talking about? what's up, fellas?

j.d.: i don't care what hospital you go to, surgery is still a boys club. hyah! j.d.: i'm just as cool as those guys. bye, turk. t-dog, settle a little medical debate for us. i think elliot's got a modest rack at best, but my favorite attending here says that when he was tuning in tokyo the other night... the reception was excellent. guys, elliot's a friend of mine, so i really don't want to talk about that, ok? so, dr. turk, how is your back? my back's as swollen as elliot's big ass breasts, sir. ha ha! that's right! right here! i was paged. patient's complaining of anosmia. anosmia? you know what? i always thought it was very funny that losing your sense of smell was called "anosmia."

a-nos-mia, you know, like schnoz-mia. don't you find that very funny? he doesn't. i'm calling dr. cox. well, nobody needs to go call dr. cox. this is only temporary, right? of course it's temporary. [clears throat] it could also be slightly more un-temporary. you mean permanent. j.d.: just when you think you have this place figured out, it finds a new way to get you. i'm waiting. unfortunately, you've, uh, put us in somewhat of a legal bind. way to go, ted. good god, man, you couldn't scare a child. who-- who would want to? dr. cox, do you have any idea how much money this hospital makes from that g.i. trial into which you took the liberty of enrolling your patient? i'm gonna go ahead and guess $7. j.d.: sometimes it comes right at you. keep smiling, tough guy. first, i'm going-- better finish that thought there, bobcat, 'cause i'm not breaking my gait.

what are you looking at? nothing. j.d.: sometimes it sneaks up on you. plus, when she dated j.d., she would just wear a t-shirt in the morning. so every time she reached up high to grab a box of cereal, everybody in the room got 2 scoops of booty flakes. and the 2 scoops--they were packed with flavor. you know what i'm saying, man. right, right, right? mr. blair: i told you i didn't want these antibiotics. tell you what, when your first grandkid is born, and you pick him up and you smell his head, why don't you give me a call and tell me how great it is? mr. blair, i'm really sorry this happened. j.d.: and sometimes it hits you in places you didn't even know you were vulnerable. yeah, well, you should be. it's your fault. no more silly medical mistakes, huh? nice going there, newbie. [thinking] damn.

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if you're not in, you're out! dr. amato: dr. turk! down here. i saw you switched off on our exploratory laparotomy this afternoon. yeah, it's 'cause i--i--i had to do-- it's because i'm short. you're not short. look, i know i'm the surgical assignment booby prize, ok, but if my only other choice is being stuck in that stupid boys club, i'd rather have them all make fun of me. what could they possibly make fun of you-- stop it! all i'm saying is that it's possible to be a good surgeon without playing their game, ok? you're really short. i know. no, dr. murray, i don't want any fries to go with this shake. i don't even know what that means. excuse me, dr. reid. what? what, you want to ask me how many ceiling tiles i've counted this week? or maybe you just want to call me a name like "tramp" or "ho" or "slesident," which apparently is half slut and half resident. no. then what is it, noelle? what do you want? i just wanted to know where the g-spot is. the what spot? and for the hundredth time, you're right. you had absolutely nothing to do

with me getting involved in this mrs. bumbry case, but for god's sake, carla, the much bigger problem facing us right now is just exactly how do we get you to stop annoying me? oh, yeah, i'm the problem. look, can't you just for once stay out of your own way? can't you just for once not be such a busybody? oh...sore spot. uh, what spot? sore spot. damn it. [thinking] ok, the next step is to find out what did cause mr. blair's loss of smell. hey, pal. excuse me. doctor? oh, no, i'm not a doctor. i'm a janitor. oh, i just assumed because of the coat. right. well, uh, janitors wear white coats around here, too. oh. you guys do a great job keeping this place clean. we thank you. oh, i'm a doctor! look at the books, woman! turk: whoa! is that a man's back? heh heh heh! hey, check out who i have assisting dr. rumplesurgeon. [bong drum plays] you know what? his name's dr. amato.

and that girl you slept with? her name is dr. reid. you should show them both some respect. yeah? says who? says me. dr. kelso. mmm. carla. hmm. you look as good as i feel. mrs. bumbry's 53. mrs. who is what? the patient dr. cox got into the g.i. clinical trial. she was disqualified because her chart said she was 63 and the cutoff is 55. but the genius who admitted her calculated her age wrong. she's actually a perfect candidate. and dr. cox knew this? he knew the whole time. fan-damn-tastic. sweetheart, you better do the old heel-toe out of here because you know as well as i do i'm going to take this out on somebody. bye-bye. may i join you? by all means.

j.d.: armed with the knowledge that i was right and he was wrong, i thought i'd enjoy this walk more. still, i couldn't help but empathize because i've been there and i saw the signs. the shameful averted gaze. the nervous shifting. and, of course, the wild, uncontrollable urination. [whimpering and muttering] gosh, i'm thrilled you approve, but for the last time, i'm up here. i'm up here. [whistling] i'm up here. you were wrong, and i was right. beg your pardon? anosmia isn't a side effect of i.v. imipenem. plus, mr. blair had multiple nasal polypectomies and septoplasty, and his loss of smell is most likely caused by repeated manipulation of the sinuses along with the concurrent infection. so i didn't make a mistake, and you were wrong when you said, "nice going, newbie." here you've put me in a tough situation. i can't honestly decide whether to say, "duh," "adoy," or a very sarcastic "oh, really?"

my god, fiona, i know it wasn't your fault. hell, the patient probably knows. but he seemed a little distraught, like maybe being able to blame somebody for a second or two just might make him feel a little better. and, i know, maybe it's me, but doesn't that seem like something that goes right along with wearing that fancy white coat? it does, doesn't it? kind of. gosh, i'm so proud of you. put it there. [whistles] woof. [thinking] "woof"? that's your answer, then. that girl just asked me to give her my top 10 sexual positions, and after the 2 that i knew, i just started naming insects. elliot, that really sucks. i'm sorry. i'm not sure. i mean, i was mad at you at first, but it's actually kind of empowering, you know, to have this persona, this identity. i mean, i'm not just some, you know, nameless, faceless, white doctor. i'm elliot reid... tramp. heh! well, that's great.

if you're happy, i'm happy. the weird thing is she said she'd already tried "stink bug." j.d.: i still don't know why i was so desperate for everyone to know it wasn't my fault. dr. cox, dr. kelso has something he wants to say to you. so, uh, i hear there was an age mix-up that i was unaware of, and, um, anyway, uh... you're ok. i'm sorry. j.d.: i guess i comes down to how we want to be seen by other people. [mouthing words] i'm proud of you, robert. put her there. woof. oh, i think it's important you understand that i had no idea how old that patient was, and for the record, she could have been 170, and i still would have stuck her in that trial so fast it would make your teeth fall out all over again. that's perfect. i would, too. j.d.: some people want to be seen as the rebel.

some people just want to be seen, period. some people have limits on how far they'll go to protect their image. dr. amato: dr. turk, i need you down here. [whimpers] coming. j.d.: for me, it was when i stopped worrying about how other people saw me that i finally started to look better. oh, mr. blair, i just wanted to say again that i made a mistake, and i'm sorry. it's all right. good luck. come on, baby, let's see if we can find you a ride. laverne! [laughing] careful. oh, so we're done with the coats? well, it was a fun day, though, wasn't it? see you tomorrow. well, you know, maybe tomorrow i'll get a bad haircut and push around a mop all day. i know. you don't have to do it, ok? ♪ mistake

yeah. j.d.: even close friends disagree about decisions. how about this one? you want to get a clear shower curtain? why don't just nude up in the living room, and you can spray me down with the hose? dude, if you're gonna be that self-conscious, i could always doodle in chest hairs right about where you'd stand. i have a chest hair. i named him clancy. j.d: and then it happened... can i help you, sir? [echoing] sir? sir? sir? sir? sir? sir? i can't believe she called me "sir." she called me "mister." maybe it's because you're bald. i'm not bald. i shave my head. well, then, let it grow back. careful, honey. we're practically kids. really? well, what are you doing for halloween tomorrow night? oh, we used to dress up as pigs and hit every bar in town. yeah, you have not lived until you've seen a drunken pig do the robot. zzzt. jeet. ping! zzzt. jeet. ping! she didn't ask what you used to do.