see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. j.d.: let's face it, most days start like any other, but some days... well? it's beautiful... but my parents will kill me if i marry a black guy. [laughs] so you gonna ask carla? i'm doin' it. ok... ready? you sure? positive. [both laughing] congratulations! so when are you gonna ask her? tonight. i'm gonna make her a nice dinner, and then i'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass. you might as well put it in her cham-lame glass. ok, mr. know-it-all, what would you do? ok, first you gotta get, like, 50 candles, right? you spread 'em all over the room with some rose petals. that's right, because the roses are beautiful, and they make the room smell amazing. like a meadow in springtime. mmm... what are you guys talkin' about? nothing. guy talk. yeah, bitches and hos.

come on, hurry up. i just have to get changed. have you two met? todd, you're overcompensating, you're gay, and you need to be ok with it. oh, yeah? if i'm gay, how come i work out so much? j.d.: it's tough to be a woman in a co-ed locker room. [murmuring] [booing and calling out] dance! they want you to dance. [burlesque music plays] [clapping] all: whoo! ♪ at last ♪ my love has come along [all clapping] ♪ and life is like a song

um... maybe i should just change in the bathroom. honey? hmm? uh... do you want some champagne? actually, i'm just gonna stay with coffee. ok. coffee it is... for my baby! ohh, what the hell, i'll have some champagne. ok. hot! are you ok? [blowing] [snorts and laughs] i'm absolutely fine, honey... because i am here with you. [telephone rings] hello? mami... why are you calling so late? uh-huh... uh-huh... she's dead?! yeah, yeah! i-- i'll be right over. my aunt marie's dead! she's only 60.

to one hell of a lady! huh? [clinks] what? you should be with your mom right now. yeah--thank you, baby. stay out of trouble. [squeakily] mmm. [door shuts] ow... ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know ♪ i'm no superman captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- ♪ i'm no superman ♪

so, anyway, laverne, i have to fly out late for the funeral tonight, and i'm gonna need your help covering my shifts. anything for you, honey. thanks, laverne. hey, laverne, can i borrow a nickel so i can get a soda? sorry, this window's closed. by the way, elaine's back. j.d.: elaine's been on top of the heart-transplant list so long she's in and out of this hospital almost as much as i am. hey, home-slice, we talked about this.

you don't get into bed until i come in so i can see your boot-ay. if i finally get a damn heart, i'll let you eat ice cream off it. you are naughty! ohh, you know, it always feels so weird to be sitting around hoping someone's family pulls them off life support. i honestly believe in hospitals... there's, like, this balance, you know? and it's, like, when one person dies, another person gets a chance to live. i like to call it the circle of life. oh, my god, you must stop watching the lion king. i like that baby lion cub. what's his name? simba. trick question! you like it, too. [laughs] you girls. excuse me, elaine, i actually need his opinion on something. i'd say she's pregnant. just a terrific catch there, newbie. listen to her heart, will ya? i heard mitral stenosis, and i need an extra set of ears. let's go. it's kind of flattering that you'd choose me--

ears, newbie, ears. not mouth. uh, ted, dr. koppleman has notified me that he will be vacating the office next to mine. his deteriorating health has made it impossible for him to continue on with us. oh, dear! should we send him a card? absolutely. see if you can find one that says, "crippling arthritis or not, "i want you out of my hospital by sundown "so i can knock down your wall and make myself a giant office." you're a wonderful man. ted, i don't mean to sound insensitive, but a man's office is a reflection of who he is, don't you think? [drip] yeah. ralphie, spit it out. spit it out! come on, come on! ohh! dude, why eat medical supplies when you've got pudding and tater tots? it makes no sense. hey. get the ring back? did i...

get the ring back? dude, i'm back, ok? [laughs] now, i got it all set up. she's goin' out of town for, like, a week, right? so i got somebody to cover for me tonight. i'm gonna take her to a nice restaurant... dude, you better open your-- oh, you're killin' me, ralphie! you are killin'-- no, you did not just swallow that thing! you... dr. kelso, i am through taking my clothes off in front of men! i think i can speak for all of us when i say, we'll live. every woman here hates the fact that they've gotta get undressed in a co-ed locker room. except for naked nancy, but, i mean, she's an exhibitionist, and she's got a whole other set of problems. we have a co-ed locker room? hot damn. dr. reid, if you really feel the need to discuss it, just write it out on a piece of paper and slip it in my suggestion box. really? yes! ted, show it to her. sorry. it's ok. so, uh... this locker room...

do you have to be a doctor to change in there or what? can i borrow a pen? here. take this one. thanks. see? we don't always have to be like bleh-bleh-bleh. we can be like, "hey, how you doin'?" "i'm good. thanks." this can work, you know? we can-- we can be there for each other. it's just a pen, scooter, not a kidney. ohh... thanks. no! you keep it. really? makes me look smarter. heh. off to scrub the crappers. dr. cox: so, here's the deal, mrs. larkin-- you have a valvular defect in your heart. ohh, god! relax, steve. he's a worrier. me, too. i'm a worrier. the thing is-- oh, here it comes! the thing is that pregnancy puts such an extra strain on your heart that, had we known about this condition beforehand, we would've strongly suggested you think twice

about even getting pregnant before getting the valve repaired. i would've done it anyways. yeah, you would've. you got a healthy supply of pluck about ya, don't ya? i can't breathe! you're ok. let's do this. i love the pluck. how could any woman possibly stand this? hey, nancy. turk: you've had 6 bran muffins, ralphie. how is it that you don't have to go yet? turk, i still have to pack tonight. are you sure you wanna have dinner? i am positive. ok? all right. ok, i'll see you later. hey, cutie. all right, ralphie, new tack. i want you to do what i do. ok? i want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty tryin' to push the dookie-- push the dookie out, ralphie. can you imagine that for me? you told my son there were little men inside him? he barely sleeps as it is!

sir, i'm sorry. i was wrong. that was sick! but still, if you could do this for me, i would greatly appreciate it. the next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a ziploc bag, and just call me on my cell phone. it's for my girlfriend. ugh! hey, ralphie! little men pushin' it out! pushin' it out! that mrs. larkin's an aggressive lady. she won't even let her husband finish a sent-- oh, shut the hell up, would you please? at least she's ballsy, unlike that husband, who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drive me crazy. what? nah, i just-- i think the larkins complement each other. they're a good team. they kind of remind me of us. roseanne, now, granted, i was, as usual, only halfway listening to you, but i get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. i know--i know a girl can dream, but... this is never gonna happen. get in here. she went into atrial fibrillation. newbie, call an ob-gyn for an emergency consult

and notify the n.i.c.u. what the hell is going on? j.d.: sometimes it's hard to find the right words... once i knock down this wall right here, i am going to have more room than i know what to do with. sir, i'm so happy for you i could crap. j.d.: sometimes they come easier than you expected... dr. kelso? i demand a female locker room. i loved it, but why spend all this money on this fancy dinner? j.d.: sometimes the words don't come out at all... no reason. j.d.: but, ultimately, you have to grit your teeth and just say it. if we don't deliver this baby, your wife could die. j.d.: you see, as a doctor, you get used to the whole "balance in the hospital" thing-- you know, when one person lives, another dies, and how it always seems to even out? but it's so soon. y-you said so yourself. what's gonna happen to the baby? we're gonna do our best. j.d.: but it never seems fair when it happens in the same family.

whentertaining us,es getting us back on track,hing? and finding us dates. phones really have changed. so why hasn't the way we pay for them?

introducing xfinity mobile. you only pay for data and can easily switch between pay per gig and unlimited. no one else lets you do that. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit or go to xfinitymobile.com. who think the hospital would be a better place if we made some changes. take ted, for instance. u-uh, i feel i'd be more productive if my phone dialed out. this hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. ah, back when i was a resident, i remember, blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. now get the hell out of my office! not you, ted. ted, get the hell out of my office! i'm gonna miss you so much.

i'm only going to chicago for 5 days. i'll call you when i land. turk: baby, don't go! have you seen mr. larkin? uh, no. thanks for the pen. oh, no. yeah. this is my favorite t-shirt. and this is my favorite skin. well, you know that i would never mean for that to happen. you know that, right? yeah, i know that. ok, this is a little cozy for me. is it? i don't think you people are getting how difficult this is. trust me, i wouldn't want to have to make this decision. i wish i could ask my wife. she'd be better at handling this than me. you know, you and i are a lot alike. we may seem like the kind of guy you can just, you know, throw in a headlock and draw a mustache on, but... in crunch time we always come through. it's time. come on.

dr. reid, are you off for the day? oh, i just didn't have a place to change. mm-hmm. laverne, i'm going to pretend you're not wearing that. don't you usually wait till you get home before you do that? plus, according to county statute, all medical facilities in this region are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and change rooms for their employees. put that in your suggestion box and smoke it. damn it. where did she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo? [blowing] what are you doing, ted? i'm trying to whistle. you know, so you wouldn't think it was me. stop the cab! whoa! hey! open the door! baby, open the door! open the damn door! turk! what are you doing? elderly woman: take it. sorry, ma'am. my bad. what is going on? i gotta ask you something before you go.

what? you're doin' great. you're gonna be fine. nice job, newbie. that's a real nice job. all we gotta do now is cross our fingers. j.d.: death is always hangin' around this hospital... [deep voice] morning. [thunder] j.d.: ultimately it all boils down to what your attitude is about it. i'm not afraid of death. i mean, if i got a heart, that would be great. still, if they told me it was never gonna happen, i think that would be ok, too. it's the waiting i can't take. i just wanna know one way or the other, you know? i got an idea. why don't we switch to a cheerier subject? what do you think death is like? i really hope it's like a big broadway musical. everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish. i think it's like a game of dodgeball. [chuckles]

there's a lot of chaos and screaming, and, you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped in half by the big kid who already has underarm hair, but then you wake up in the hot nurse's office, and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose, you get a sense that something could actually happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers. holy cow. i'm so sorry. i guess, for my part, i think death is a lot like that story, quite frankly, but--if there is a god-- it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful. it's fun to annoy him. it's what i do. [laughs] so i hear they're making that office into the ladies' locker room, huh? yes, ted. that's a bummer. uh--hey, m-maybe whoever's over here might not stay there forever. well, i'm here doing a research fellowship,

so i'll be anywhere from 15 to 25 years. [laughs] that's a long time. yeah. you'll probably be dead. so, um, we've known each other for, like, a year and a half, right? turk, that's my ride. yeah, i know. just give me a second. just give me a second, ok? i've been thinkin' a lot lately. [horn honks] i'm talkin' here! turk, i'm--i'm gonna miss my flight. i gotta go, honey. i'm sorry. will you marry me? what did you say? i think i said, w-- will you marry me? turk, wow! i got a ring. um... i don't have it on me, but, uh... it's in a safe place. i can't believe this. i-- i've imagined you saying this to me, like, a thousand times. i just never imagined that when you actually asked all i would say is...

i need to think. cool! uh... yeah, phew. that's--that's--that's-- that's what i was hoping to hear. i love you. i really do. love you, too. i'll be back in a few days. i'll wait. congratulations, you guys. he's doin' great. j.d.: i guess sometimes my whole theory about life and death balancing each other out in the hospital doesn't hold true... i guess sometimes you get lucky. what's going on? she's coding. [heart monitor beeping]

♪ any minute now ♪ my ship is comin' in ♪ ♪ i'll keep checking the horizon ♪ ♪ i'll stand on the bow ♪ ♪ feel the waves come crashin' ♪ ♪ come crashing down ♪ down ♪ down ♪ on me ♪ and you say ♪ be still ♪ my love ♪ open up your heart ♪ ♪ let the light shine in ♪ ♪ don't you understand? ♪ i already have a plan

♪ i'm waiting ♪ for my real life to begin ♪ ♪ my real life to begin ♪ ohh ♪ don't, don't you understand? ♪ ♪ i already have a plan ♪ ♪ i'm waiting for my real life to begin ♪ ♪ on a clear day ♪ i can see ♪ see ♪ see ♪ see ♪ see a very long way [heart monitor flatlining] she's gone.

you gonna be ok? yeah. j.d., voice-over: it's not every day your best bud asks his girlfriend to marry him. hey, chocolate bear. did you ask her? she said she needed to think about it then she hopped on a plane to chicago for 5 days. j.d., thinking: he needs you. stay positive. whoo! ♪ she's thinkin', she's thinkin' ♪ ♪ and we should go out drinkin' ♪ wanna get a beer? i'm not leavin' this spot until she calls. all right, man. i understand. still nothing? we just keep missing each other. i'm not sweatin' it. [telephone rings] she asked me to pick her up from the airport. that's a good sign, right? good sign? dude, i am so sure carla's gonna say yes, if she doesn't i will power-walk naked through these halls singin' me and bobby mcgee. ahh, janis joplin.