ata and can easily switch between pay per gig and unlimited. no one else lets you do that. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit or go to xfinitymobile.com. j.d., thinking: ok, you've been avoiding dr. cox ever since jordan told you her baby was actually his. but this chance meeting is a sign. it's time to let go of the secret. you just need to find a smooth way in. hey, dr. cox. taking a whiz? we've been over this before, newbie. eyes front. no talking. j.d., thinking: ok, fine. i'll just read the wall. "j.d. has a tiny pickle." kudos for honesty there, newbie, but again, no talking. dr. cox, i have to tell you something-- oh, perry! you pee standing up at work. that is so cute. would you come on? we're on a very tight schedule. [flushes urinal] you know, jordan, with all the baby weight you haven't lost yet, i just went ahead and assumed

you'd be used to tight things by now. oh, that's lovely. oh, well, hello, sailor. ahoy. oh, my goodness, newbie. are you so uncomfortable with jordan here that you've in fact stopped peeing midstream? i may have. yes! i wonder why dr. cox and jordan got divorced. i mean, they act like they hate each other, but i think that's just for show. yeah, whatever. are you gonna stretch before we play basketball or what? j.d., voice-over: turk likes to blow off steam by playing basketball before surgery. i always get my ass kicked...but not today. ah-ha! game! how the hell did we lose?! we have chet! sorry, man. chet, you suck! aah! hunh! hunh! you know what? some stereotypes are true, turk, ok? and just maybe black people are

a little better at basketball. what do you say? [sweet georgia brown playing] [screaming] [bionic sound effect] ha! maybe a little. y'all got hockey. ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know i'm no superman ♪ captioning made possible by buena vista television ♪ i'm no superman ♪

♪ i'm no super why did they get divorced? oh, i have no idea. i just can't believe you had to pee in front of jordan. i know. i could not do that. i mean, paul's my boyfriend, and i make him turn the volume way up on the tv when i go. plus, he's not allowed in the apartment an hour before or after i do twosies. elliot, you're a doctor. stop calling it "twosies." oh, with patients i say "dookie." oh, dookie! what? well, now, maggie, i can only assume that you are wiling away the morning cat-chatting with your favorite gal pal because you've already finished your pre-rounding. i haven't even started yet. what? gotcha! finished. that's a good one, newbie. my heart is racing. you are quite the prankster. i could tell you some stories. and if there's a god in heaven, you never will.

this is mrs. grayson's chart. her private practice doctor just showed up, so i am off this one. well, is there anything i need to do for her lung nodule? oh, i don't know. what do you say you start her on 20 ccs of "it's not my job anymore." j.d., thinking: great. another pretentious private practice guy is gonna order me around while he counts his money all day. hey, you must be j.d. he knows my name. i'm dr. fisher. i go by pete. never call me petey, we'll be friends for life. hey, look at this. don't believe me? i already got you a latte, buddy. look at that. thanks. a latte. that's funny. we got a good one, sally. [thinking] how's that funny? ah, just go with it. you know, i'm always pulling pranks, too. like before, dr. cox was like, "did you do that pre-rounding--" you know what? i'm sorry. i didn't mean to interrupt you. i do want to hear the end of that story, though. could you get a pulmonary consult for sally for me? yeah, yeah. you're probably thinking why didn't you do that before i got here, but you weren't sure if you'd be overstepping your boundaries. what if i was some territorial ass with a giant ego or a territorial ego with a giant ass. stop me, sally, please. ha ha! you're gonna help me. i need you to help me get sally here out of bed, that way i can go back

to trying to get her into bed. stop! you stop, foxy lady. look, you're doing great. from now on, just follow your instincts, ok? and you, don't flirt so much. want to make him jealous? no. thanks a latte! th-th-thanks a lot. thanks a latte! i got it! j.d., voice-over: at a hospital, there's always one sure way to deal with boredom. you guys want to go laugh at the narcoleptic guy? i know it sounds insensitive, but let's face it, narcolepsy is a funny condition. and it can be triggered by a number of things. like stress... or anger from, say, 3 double bogeys in a row. [splash] or in mr. hilliard's case... sexual arousal? i'm going in. is falling asleep after sex considered narcolepsy? 'cause if it is, mr. roberts got it. ok, so first, she's gonna stick her chest out, and then she'll toss her hair.

that's sexy. pen drop! oh! oops! oh, that did it. hell, yeah! i have a boyfriend. work is going well. i actually feel cute for the first time in my life. my self-esteem cannot be touched. it's been so weird since i got engaged. oh, you're right. i'll never get married. message received! elliot, this is about me. really? yeah. oh, ok. it's like i don't feel attractive at all, lately, like i've lost my spark or something. oh, please! remember what kelso said about your hair yesterday? it makes you look frumpy! i thought he said "clumpy." how is that better? you don't know. morning, boys. sir, this is where we play. funny. i thought this was where we worked. [car alarm beeps] dr. kelso, i have a low anterior resection

later on this afternoon, and i'd really like to exercise in order to be at my best. well, i'd really like to have grandkids someday, but the last 5 christmases, my son has brought his roommate brad home. so you tell me whether life is fair. i can't believe you did your residency here, too. you kidding me? we lived, we loved, we sang to each other, for crying out loud. hey, laverne, remember the time you and i got a little crazy, right? went down to the waterfall, stripped off our scrubs, dove in. you remember that, laverne? are you hitting the crack pipe? that's the kind of magic i'm talking about, buddy. hey, ladies. oh, you two must already know each other. dr. cox. petey. j.d., voice-over: sometimes, when you're in an awkward situation, the best thing to do is go to your happy place. well, it's not uncommon. i think a lot of people keep "plants" in their apartment. right, j.d.? oh, jay, you're so crazy! [playing horrible guitar riff]

we have a little history, yeah. what's up his pooper? actually, i think he's mad 'cause i went into private practice, and he's stuck in this hellhole. you wouldn't believe this, but that guy was my mentor, man. i mean, i lived and breathed for that guy's approval. that's lame. i know. once you learn the tricks, though, he's easier to deal with. you'll see. tell me about it. heh heh heh! no, i'm serious. tell me about it. oh. oh. uh, well, you know, when he gets on his rants, he gets all hyped up, his veins start sticking out of his neck, and he starts yelling at you... when he's done, just look at him, stare him right in the eye and say, "i'm sorry. what were you saying?" i don't know why, but it works. trust me. oh, i do. now, how do you get him to stop calling you girls' names? girls' names? uh, never mind. dookers! ugh! [snorts] gotta get this thing fixed. allow me. may i? oh, yeah. see, what you got here is a medi-call xj. it's got this hip guard on it. i'm guessing it's always coming loose.

it is always coming loose! i've been there. i've seen it. i've fixed it. give that a try, missy. thank you. oh, for what? for doing my job? come on. this kind of thing gets me up in the morning. that and the smell of urinal cakes. ha ha ha! ha ha! anyway, i'll see you around. have a good one. back at you. what are you smiling about? well, i just made a new friend. [scatting] this is so unfair of kelso. everyone has gotta have a way of taking the edge off. you and i, we've got basketball. nurse roberts, she's got her stories. some guy named d.r.k. must love ms. pac-man, because he's got the high score-- 41 million. d.r.k...dr. kelso. wakka-wakka-wakka! bloing! wakka-wakka-wakka wakka-wakka-wakka! bloing! wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka! oh, ms. pac-man...

i would sex that bow right off your head. eat those dots, you naughty, naughty girl. hey, dr. cox. oh, hey, buddy, i was just thinking about you. yeah, i was thinking how it might be real nice to have somebody around here who could help me out. you know, somebody i could call, well, gosh, my resident. we would do stuff together. you know, medical stuff, and it would just be peaches. but then it occurred to me that a guy who looked a hell of a lot like you used to be that guy. monica, just because you have a new buddy doesn't mean you can all of a sudden drop all of your regular duties, and, i know, i just said "drop your duties," and so help me god, if you even smile, i will crush you into 2 little newbie cubes and hang you from my rearview mirror. what do you got to say for yourself? j.d., thinking: just do it. i'm sorry. did you say something? welcome to today's lecture-- the biomechanical reaction of dr. perry cox when he's not being listened to. stage 1-- the jaw clench. grr! quickly followed by stage 2-- syllable elongation.

newbie, i re-ee-eally don't have time to repeat myself. finally, stage 3-- dr. cox begrudgingly offers a little respect, but then distances himself by overusing the word "there." but i gotta give it to you there for yanking my chain there. there! the young soldier is offered a prize for his courage. get ready. i'll tell you what there, newbie. if you want to stick around and help me out with mrs. riley's pericardiocentisis after work, that'd be great. j.d., voice-over: i knew this was his way of reaching out, but still... i have plans tonight. oh, what plans? ok, think of something believable. grandma died. no, no, no, don't do that, because if she does die, you'll feel awful, and let's face it. she's no spring chicken. i should call her. but then whenever we talk, i have nothing to say. how about asking me how i am for once? [whistles] newbie! my grandma died.

hello, mr. hilliard. hey. i just want to make sure you're comfortable. who are you? they call me carla. ok. carla it is. mr. hilliard... hmm? do i have something on my... lips? nope. totally clean. j.d., voice-over: i felt guilty about blowing off dr. cox to grab a beer with pete. of course, that was before we got nancy as our waitress. nancy, the kid's a doctor, for crying out loud. he saves lives. that's worthy of your respect or at least one drunken weekend in vegas. 3-day weekend. columbus day. that's coming up, right? come on! everyone deals with problems in their own way. some lash out at others.

and some just end up lashing out at themselves. and some people just try to hide. nancy! nancy. unfortunately, that never works.

throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh? hey? i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. to make a sex joke. watch this. hey, todd, i'm all out of the extra-long tongue depressors. do you happen to have one for me? sorry, carla. i'm all out. how did he not say, "yeah, in my pants?" god, i don't know what is so different about me since i got engaged. wait, i found one. it's not made of wood, but give me a minute.

hey, have you checked mr. oberman for hypertension? because i've got hypertension right here. no way! boobies! charts. i know it was you. you mean this right here? this is mine from home. 40 million, son. do you have any idea how many patients i had to ignore to get that high score? people died! well, what about me, sir? i need to play basketball. now, come on, since you lost that stupid game, aren't you more stressed out than usual? open! open! open! op-- maybe a little. so, what do we do now? now, this is how you relieve stress. damn it to hell! so you're saying the janitor's a nice person?

he is such a sweetie! shh! i'm gonna ask him an innocuous little question, and his answer will be filled with hate. just filled with it. how's it going? very well, sir. thank you for asking. how are you? do you not see the hate? what is wrong with you? that was a good one. i think so. all right, go. hold it. no. he's doing it! [sports show on tv] what's the deal there, alpha dog? you ever gonna cut me some slack? petey, petey, petey, petey, petey... ok, good answer. look, uh, i understand you're seeing jordan again. i just wanted to tell you, seriously, good for you. would you like to know what would be seriously good for you? more bran in my diet? no, how about you never mention jordan again. hey, do you guys mind if i turn on cnn? my grandma bought me a stock. i want to see how it's doing. look at rockefeller. pass me the remote, buddy. j.d., thinking: cool! these guys are finally starting to get along. [remote shatters]

or not. no big deal. i'll, uh, you know, do one of these, change the channel. grr! uh, we could just leave it on this station. mr. hilliard, i like my body. ok. i didn't always. i remember when i was 10 years old and my swim coach telling me that my butt stuck out of the water too much. but now, i like it when my boyfriend looks at my wagon and goes, "bam!" you know? i'm ok with my curves. i realize women inject god-knows-what into their face to have lips like mine. mr. hilliard, i can hop out of the shower and look at my naked body for a whole 10 seconds without totally losing it. that's more than most women! but still, when i can't make you fall asleep, it's like hearing my swim coach's voice all over again, and my body doesn't deserve that. so what do you want me to do? fall asleep. i'm not attracted to you. why?! because you remind me of my sister. but i'm not your sister! that's what i'm talking about.

had to be done. ok, terrific. grownups tackle each other all the time. perry, i can't change what already happened, but you gotta believe me, i never meant to come between you and anyone. j.d., voice-over: watching dr. cox and pete fight over me was...aw, hell, i'll say it. it was awesome! you went ahead and took something that did not belong to you. that seems a little possessive, but i'm flattered. worse than that, you did it knowing full well just exactly how i felt about her. ah, he just wouldn't be dr. cox if he didn't refer to me as a "her." hey, for what it's worth, i didn't make the first move. that's a lie. you bought me a latte. hey, guys. we were having problems, problems that you knew all about because i confided in you, and what'd you do with the information? you used it to get jordan into bed, didn't you? didn't you? perry, come on... [softly] go. and finally,

the reason dr. cox and his wife got divorced became abundantly clear. yes. get in there! say it. i'm your bitch. don't be too hard on yourself, sir. you've only been playing this game for, like, 56 years. dr kelso, is this young man a guest of yours? dave, i've never seen him before in my life. dave: really? dave. hey, man, you don't-- oh, yeah, i do. oh, yeah, i do. don't you run from me! don't--hey! kelso! hey, hey, jack daniels, what's cracking? look, my hot cousin and her volleyball team have a game tonight. tall girls, tiny shorts. you in? uh, i think i'm gonna pass. oh, i get it, all right. you're still in perririno's corner, but that's ok, buddy. look, just a word to the wise, all right. just be careful who you hitch your wagon to. i mean that. yikes!

i gotta go, ok? hi. can i buy you a house? j.d., voice-over: i guess sometimes it comes down to loyalty. hey, dr. cox. still no talking in the bathroom, newbie. you know what's weird? that you're allowed to talk? i never blamed jordan. i was the chief resident, i was here all the time, and i always made damn sure she knew she came second. but god almighty, i'm trying harder this time. i just hope i'm doing the right thing, you know. j.d., thinking: who cares if jordan wants to keep it a secret? tell him it's his baby! scream it from the mountains! dr. cox! oh, there you are. hey! hi, handsome. how are you? oh, hello, d.j. hey, jordan. how you doing? j.d., voice-over: around here, you have to grab hold of the littlest victories. whether it's victories over your insecurities...

dr. kelso! ha ha ha! or security's victory over you. kelso! either way, you've gotta choose your battles. i want you to tell the truth, damn it. all right, tell her that you're a surly, devious, horrible excuse for a human being. who's that? that's my son. oh, my god, j.d.! i'm sorry. no, i didn't even see him there. no, no, no, i'm glad he heard it. i think it's important he sees how the world treats people like us. i'm so sorry. who the hell are you? go on. beat it. scram! all right, stick around. j.d.: maybe it's because spring is around the corner, but lately it feels like romance is in the air.

how's that? you close your eyes way too early, and you always go in right. you should try goin' in left. the girls'll dig that. ok. for shizzle. what's up, girl? oh, there is nothing in life that dog could have done to deserve that. you're talkin' about my man single. he's just runnin' drills to keep his stuff sharp. that's all. oh... also, it would be super fantastic if you never mentioned this to anyone ever. are you crazy? you know she's gonna say something. we're talkin' about carla here. so now i'm a gossip? yeah, you're a gossip. you gossip all the time. since when?! since ever ever! and to who? to everyone! j.d.: it's weird. ever since they got engaged, turk and carla have been arguing constantly. do you want some kibble? i guess i always hoped that the longer you were a couple, the easier it got. [turns television on] no noise. and by the way, the whole world gets it-- you love your body. now put your damn shirt on. no one's making a calendar here. oh, and be a sweetie and get me a juice, will you? thanks so much. [groans] as much as it may seem like it to me personally, i feel desperately compelled to remind you