and connect, as a family. just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh? hey? i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. [thinking] when you're dating a woman whose husband just died after 2 years in a coma, you can't help but have doubts about the relationship. i guess all you can do is be a man and face those doubts head on. what are you thinking about? eggs. you know, one minute they're bad for you, now everybody's, like, "hey, you tried the eggs the other day? they're great." it's crazy, you know? eggs and... you know what? forget i asked. what? j.d., i really wanted tonight to be romantic. sweetie, it is. now exactly how much feeling am i supposed to lose in my extremities? just enough so it still hurts.

j.d., thinking: still, things were goin' pretty well with me and jamie. looks like a rope burn to me. oh, no. this is a-- a rash from my new watch. they didn't tell me the band was made out of... cat. elliot, check out these wedding dresses. ah. i am so proud of you right now. this is exactly like the dress i bought. oh, i--i didn't already buy a wedding dress. i'm not even dating anybody. so that would be crazy whether it was half off or not. dude, there's not one good thing about her planning a wedding i can't afford. turk, i know it's silly, and i know it's only for one day. but ever since i was a little girl, all i wanted to do was have a big beautiful wedding. baby, what's the name of that designer you love so much? she made that gown. vera... wang. [both laugh] oh, my god. you're the only 2 doctors immature enough to laugh at the name "vera wang."

hello. go ahead. what? i think vera wang makes very beautiful gowns. plus, her last name is a very funny word for "penis." who's with me? air 5. ssst, ssst, ssst. shorts, huh? yeah. what, i don't get to wear shorts 'cause i'm just a lowly janitor? i didn't say "lowly." oh, so now i'm a janitor. yes. have you been drinking? i'm not drunk. i love your shorts, ok? i wish i had a pair just like 'em. hmm. dr. cox: ok, mr. weisfelner, the angioplasty went well, but here's the thing. it is on you, partner. you've gotta start watching what you eat so that we can kick this thing in the ass, ok? it's on you, partner. oh, gosh, shannon. thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. and now in a reciprocal gesture, could i be included in the planning of your coming out party? is that a gay joke? no, it's a cotillion joke. my god, newbie, it's been 2 furiously frustrating years.

how's it possible that you still don't get me? i would never compare you to the gays. i like the gays. i like their music. i like their sense of style. i especially like what they've done with halloween. but our thing is that you are a little girl. that's who you are. but that's really not fair... [thinking] man, once dr. cox gets on a roll, there's nothin' that can derail him. my mom died. [thinking] except that. ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know ♪ i'm no superman captioning made possible by buena vista television ♪ i'm no superman

♪ i'm no superman

thank you all for coming. i know you're busy. j.d., thinking: the toughest part about workin' in a hospital is that no matter what else is goin' on in your life, you have to dive right back into the middle of things. well, anyway, you said you liked mine, and i had the wife whip you up a pair of your own. you like 'em? do i like 'em? why, just the other day, i was asking myself "how can i display my package in a way that's both alluring and professional?" well, there's your answer! ha ha ha! oh, to be young and in shorts. are you ready for bed? oh, i'm ready. [thinking] a lot can change in a week. scoot. can you hand my mouth guard to me? [thinking] uh, ew. thanks. [slurps] j.d., if things have fizzled that much, i mean, i could scout her out for you, try to figure out the problem.

things haven't fizzled, all right? last night, we made ice cubes out of orange juice. so step off. ok, gang. before we begin, dr. kelso wants me to remind you of the legal ramifications of all your teensy snafus. teensy snafus? good god, ted, it's not a dr. seuss story. now listen up, nametags. over 50% of our lawsuits can be traced back to poor patient-doctor communication. to that end, if any of you still feel the need to flap your babble holes, you will be joining me in my new daily seminar on doctor-patient relations. my first invitee will be dr. murphy whom i recently overheard telling someone "stop bleeding. stop bleeding. oh, god, please stop bleeding." it was a gusher. next catastrophe. idiots. i hate him so much. save it for our weekend bike ride.

dr. cox, would you like to try one of my world famous deviled eggs? no, thank you. i've already had diarrhea. carla. i just wanted to see how you were, uh... it's always tough when you have to bury your own mom, isn't it? mm-hmm. what was your mother's funeral like? wouldn't know. skipped it. but my aunt told my father it was very moving. ha ha ha. oh, gosh. [laughs] [thinking] wow, the past and the present. whenever i see 2 beautiful women that i've been intimate with talking to each other, i always have the same fantasy. come on, ladies. it's right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump. right hand, left hand, shoulder pop, jump. [music begins] ♪ get up, get on up ♪ get up, get on up ♪ stay on the scene ♪ get on up like a sex machine ♪ ♪ get on up ♪ get up

hmm. what are you two talkin' about? not the rerun dance. [thinking] i tell her way too much. you left some stuff at my apartment. oh, thanks. see ya. you wanna know why things with jamie are so lamey? we're doin' fine. oh, please. she's clearing you out of her apartment. wrong. she just came by because she knows today at work i need my... squash goggles. hmm. i have to saw something later. she's a drama queen, j.d. when her husband was in a coma, it was all, like, taboo and exciting. but now that it's ok for the two of you to be together, the relationship's got no snap. it's got no crackle. j.d.... it's got no pop. i know because i'm a drama queen, too. well, jamie's not like you, ok? no pop! you get the hand. 9 pounds in a week? let me ask you a quick question. are you trying to make my head explode?

because you have no idea just how frustrating it is working your ass off, trying to inflate a tiny little balloon inside someone's clogged artery, and all that person has to do, really, is oh, i don't know, go for a walk in the morning or choke down a fresh green salad, and you come back here lookin' like that? and i know, i know. here i'm supposed to be doctor-give-a-crap. but you wanna know the god's honest truth? and this is a fact: you are what you eat, and you clearly went out and devoured a big, fat guy, didn't ya? see, dr. cox, this is, uh, the sort of hostile behavior that can cause us legal difficulty. [whistles] ted... i just might rip that tie off your neck and jam it down your esophagus. i think you proved at nurse roberts' above ground pool party that that doesn't solve anything. damn it, perry, you can't just go around browbeating nut jobs and bullying fatties. well, i'm not a resident. so i'm not going to your lame ass doctor-patient seminar.

so in essence there, big bob, heh heh, there's really nothin' you can do to me at all, is there? hello, class. my name is dr. perry cox. i'm going to be your teacher. no. no. no. oh. [crying] hey. you ok? great. what are you doing home so early? turk: just came to check on you. you lookin' at pictures? yeah. i know she was old. still, she was my best friend. i mean, what are you supposed to do without your mom? you can let your man fill a little bit of the hole that she left.

she would like that. baby, she hated me. yeah, she did. holy s-- [whispering] shh. calm down. i didn't mean to scare you. why are we whispering? i wanted to see if you would whisper because i whispered. i think i would. [normal voice] anyway, what's the deal? we're supposed to be shorts buddies today. you saw the schedule-- monday, tuesday, shorts. wednesday, we wash 'em. thursday, friday, shorts. weekend, optional. i'll be wearing shorts. yeah, i--i know. i was gonna wear 'em. but you know, someone went and stole 'em out of my locker. what? yes. let me see. [thinking] as a doctor, you get good at thinkin' on your feet. i was able to protect the janitor's feelings, and more importantly, he totally bought it. mentiroso.

this burger's really meaty. i'm serious. you can really taste all the meat. yeah, you know what? i'm actually gonna go put my sweats on. you're already wearing sweats. you know what? i gotta get up kinda early. so maybe you should just crash at your place tonight. [thinking] well, look, she probably does have to get up early. so just be cool. i'm so sorry. it was a total accident. i just... don't lie to me. i asked you to go. so you punched through my coffee table, didn't you? [thinking] oh, my god. she does want drama. sometimes, you make me so crazy. come here. i'll take care of you. [thinking] this is totally normal. i mean, in relationships, you have to roll with the punches... even the ones you don't see coming. carla, if there were anything i could do to make you feel better, i'd do it. let's get married now.

it's a warm blanket. it's a bottle of clean water. it's a roof and a bed. it's knowing someone cares. it's feeling safe. it's a today that's better than yesterday. every dollar you can spare helps so much more than you can imagine. please donate now to help people affected by hurricane harvey. your help is urgently needed.

it's not just a donation. throughout history, the one meal when we come together, break bread, share our day and connect as a family. [ bloop, clicking ] and connect, as a family. just, uh one second voice guy. [ bloop ] huh? hey? i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. ing excited about all of this. you know what i mean? well, you work here, so i guess we could do the whole ceremony for about 40 bucks. praise jesus. [thinking] as for my relationship, i was doing anything i could to keep the drama alive. look, jamie and i are gonna be together, and i don't care what you think, mom. because i don't want salad, that's why. [crash] [gasps] look, jamie and i are gonna be together, and i don't care what you think, dad.

mmm. i'm warning you, stop eyeballing my woman. jamie: actually, j.d., i think it was that guy. no, it was definitely that guy. [thinking] unfortunately, i was running out of ideas. so how's the drama queen doing? i don't know. how are you? zing! why can't you just admit that i'm right? because you're not right. no pop! ha. what the hell was that all about? [thinking] i wouldn't stoop this low for drama. well, we used to be a couple, and now that you're in the picture, guess who wants me back? [thinking] fine, i'd stoop. oh, she'd better watch it. lester. honey, i don't want you usin' the stove on your own. nurse, i asked for an extra pillow an hour ago. i'm talkin' to my husband. so why don't you get your own damn pillow? what? and they stuck you in here for that? i apologized to the old man. anybody could have a bad day. shoot. and what about you, there, beavis?

oh. uh... you know, doctor, i'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo. in your endo. well, that's great stuff. ted, why don't you be a sport and get us started? [clears throat] uh, people, we're here today... snore. new idea. we're all gonna clam up for about an hour so i can get some shuteye. oh, and nervous guy? yes, dr. cox? if i were you, i'd go ahead and swallow that entire mouthful of baby carrots. because if i hear you make even one more damn crunch, i'm gonna use the remainder of the carrots in that bag to make you completely airtight, son. [coughs] hey, jamie. hey, slut. i can totally explain why jamie said that. you know how turk always says, "hey, player," when he means "hey, buddy?" yeah. well, jamie's from cincinnati,

and in cincinnati, they say, "hey, slut." oh. neat. ha. turk, are you sure you're happy we're doing this? are you kidding me? this is my ideal wedding. it's cheap. there's no hassle. plus, you said you'd call my mom and explain to her why she wasn't invited. no, i didn't. what's in it for me? turk: this. oh, my god! mm-hmm. give me the phone. i'll call her right now. [whistles] you are such a mama's boy. please. dial "mommy." damn it, perry, you're there to teach. if i wanted somebody to lay around all day and do nothing, i would have wheeled in a corpse. captain clip-on, did you go ahead and tattle on me? oh, please, with the shocked look. newsflash: i'm sterile. i mean, gutless. a-all right. my guys swim in circles. i--i think it's the bike riding.

hey, elliot. hey, slut. excuse me? carla, can you give, uh, me and elliot a second? i gotta talk to her privately. thank you. hey, uh, i just wanted to say you were right about jamie. aha, and what does jamie think you're doing over here? asking you not to show up at my apartment drunk, naked, and crying. you know what's weird? i really like this girl. but i'm not sure i can keep it goin' with all the drama. well, i think you just have to gamble that once all the drama's gone, there's still gonna be something there. if not, it's her loss. still, if it helps... thanks. ok. here we go. "when hospital employees fail to communicate properly with patients, "there are both ethical and legal ramifications "that can lead to financial hardships for the institution "and personal grievances against its... doctors." huh. dr. cox, this is useless.

i thought we were really going to learn something. barbie, why did they toss you in here? oh, they didn't. i'm, uh... uh, i'm auditing. fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. you wanna know the real skinny? if you wanna be good doctors and nurses, you'd damn sure better get ready to get in trouble--a lot. because patients are stupid, and they are really scared, and some of them need you to hold their hands, and you should. others need you to kick their asses, and you absolutely should do that, too. but it really all just comes down to whether or not you got the guts to say just exactly what you know in your heart of hearts you really should say. [door opens] so, ted, how is professor cox doing? excellent, sir. ♪ ha ha and you know what else? i quit. no, you don't. well, i'm leaving early today. no, you're coming back to my office and doing busy work. fine. but i'm getting a soda first. whatever.

♪ hey, hey, hey, hey ♪ ooh-hoo ♪ whoo doctor. janitor. what's that smell? i don't know. although, it smells a little bit like the truth. ugh. my poor wife slaved over these. she just cut off a pair of scrubs and hemmed the bottom. what's the big deal? what's the big deal? well, the good lord didn't bless my wife with all 10 fingers. she's only got pointer and thumb, pinkie. look, i'm sorry, ok, for so many things. but i'm a doctor. i can't really wear shorts to work. you can't wear shorts to work? nope. can't wear shorts to work? not allowed. thanks. what's up with the man-thong? oh, nothin'. i'm just trying to mend some fences.

so do you think elliot's somewhere right now crying her eyes out? oh, without a doubt. but not about me. no, i... i kinda made all that stuff up. it just seems like you and i only really click when somethin' crazy's goin' on. mmm. and i guess i realized i don't really wanna be in a relationship like that. is that an ultimatum? no, jamie, no. it's not an ultimatum. it's just something to think about. [beeper goes off] oh, shoot. i gotta go. [door closes] j.d.: hey. sorry i'm late. boy, i'll tell you what. it's just not a wedding without a dallas cowboy cheerleader, is it? are you ready, sweetie? since the day i met you. j.d., thinking: sometimes, it takes a priest to keep you from making a big mistake. uh, christopher, before we begin, remind me of the bride's name. carla.

i know it's silly, and i know it's only for one day. but ever since i was a little girl, all i wanted to do was have a big beautiful wedding. you don't wanna do this. what? look, since your mother passed, you've probably been feeling lonely and like you don't have any family. but i'm your family now whether we do it like this, or we wait and do it like you've always wanted to, don't you think? holy cow. talk about your gigantic time wasters. tell me about it. oh, come on. lighten up, slut. what now? j.d., thinking: i think relationships can be defined by big moments that don't happen... or by the little ones that do. ah, that's the stuff. but once you get past the drama, it's actually pretty simple.

all you have to do is whatever it takes to make her happy. 4,660... yeah. yeah. ooh! yeah. nurse espinoza, do you by any chance know what time your 9:30 shift starts? 9:30? ha ha. see, that's what i would have said. but then i had ted stand out in the parking lot and monitor your arrival times this week. ted? 9:34, 9:39, 9:41, 9:33, and 9:50. how is that law degree working out for you, ted? i was going to be a senator. i haven't perused the latest nursing contract.