from the same company? that's why xfinity mobile comes with your internet. you get up to 5 lines of talk and text at no extra cost. so all you pay for is data. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. j.d.: she's awake. say something romantic. do you think this is a good time to start talking about a nickname for my penis? it's just that i dated this girl in college who made the decision without consulting me, and then all of a sudden, there it was, 18 straight months of it being called "li'l buddy." and we just didn't like that. not one bit. j.d., i haven't even had coffee yet. you're right. i'm sorry. "big al," for example. why don't you just tell me a story, something romantic. ok. once there was a beautiful girl who met a stunningly handsome young doctor.

j.d.: he noticed her right away. and she noticed him noticing her. ♪ you are not so old j. d.: their first date was amazing. ♪ did i know it then? ♪ 'cause i have just been told j.d.: they had so much fun together, they felt like kids again. ♪ ...perfect in so many ways ♪ j.d.: then it was time for their first kiss. danni: and how was that? j.d.: intense. uhh! j.d.: the next date didn't start that well, either. ♪ i've been... ♪ i've been waiting, waiting j.d.: but it got better from there. ♪ i've been... ♪ i've been waiting, waiting ♪ ♪ and i want to... j.d.: and that night, well... it was the most amazing night the young doctor ever had. and then what happened?

and then the young doctor realized he hadn't seen the beautiful girl naked in the light yet. damn! are you as into this as i am? if i wasn't crazy about you, would i be willing to do this? ♪ oom oom dah oom oom pah pah ♪ j.d.: as i was doing the naked chicken dance that my uncle bart had taught me, i realized that life couldn't get much better than this. ok. now just because jordan thinks it's cute that you're violating her little sister doesn't mean that you can use my guest room for your nerdy, g-rated sexcapades. and, oh, my god, what are you doing with my little boy, you sick, sick bastard?! my bad. it's a beautiful shot of you. come here. you filthy, filthy boy! filthy girl! filthy girl! [door slams]

aw, you ok, little buddy? j.d.: nooooooooo! ♪ i can't do this all on my own ♪ ♪ no, i know ♪ i'm no superman captioning made possible by buena vista television ♪ i'm no superman

j.d.: even though dr. cox got a front-row look at li'l buddy-- oh, no! now i'm saying it-- my day still started off great. i'm about to set a new distance record for projectile vomiting. come on. it reminds me of my sexiest kiss. our honeymoon, standing waist-deep in the ocean-- i think you were in at the bar. ok. gotta go. come on. be brilliant today. i always am. uhh! ooh. [ding] you know, i hit my head so hard, i actually saw cartoon birds. then i realized i was in pediatrics and it was just the wallpaper. stunning. look, tammy, as far as your love life goes, normally i couldn't care less who's laying your quivering body down by the fire while your lips whisper, "no, no, no," but your eyes scream, "yes, yes, oh, big daddy, yes!" but when you're dating jordan's sissy-poo, it forces me to spend time with you outside of the hospital,

and i just won't have that, so s'here's the deal-- don't wanna have dinner with you, don't want to go bowling with you, and i never, ever again want to walk into my kitchen and hear you say, ♪ hey, it's waffle time, it's waffle time ♪ ♪ won't you have some ♪ waffles of mine ♪ waffles of mine bottom line--we'll be bestest friends for everest if you just keep your face out of my face. uh-huh! [growls] she's my patient. hey, guys, how are you? i'm great. you know me. i'm up, up, up, up, up, up, and then some fashion nazi on the e-network says that pear-shaped people shouldn't wear stripes, and whoosh! guess who's ear-deep in mint chocolate chip ice cream? me. [laughs] you know, if you leave it on the counter for an hour, you can just drink it like a milkshake, except watch out-- if that block's not totally melted, it hits you in the face. oh, that would go everywhere. yeah. one time i got chunky monkey in my eye. [whistles] what brings miss tracy to us? oh, uh, her landlord found her passed out on her floor. lucky me. i couldn't pay my rent this month. j.d.: a recent study found that doctors

spend an average of 15 seconds listening to a patient. [ding] it sounds insensitive, but the truth is, it's all the time you need. so how do you feel? awesome. miss tracy. headachy, nauseous, and embarrassed that my landlord saw me in my granny panties. alrighty. we're gonna run some tests and figure this out. [buzzer] i'll be here... if you... [sighs] ow! sorry! if that gets infected, i'm a doctor. ha ha. ohh... look, you keep going to the right, so this time aim at that guy to the left and you'll hit the board. oh! aah! ha ha ha! whoo! ho ho! oh! ho ho! mm-hmm! those two are, like, best friends now, huh? i know. i wonder what it was that made them so tight? [chips theme plays] [giggles] elliot! what are you doing here?

i'm, uh, just meeting some friends here for drinks. yes. me, too. friends. hey. ponch! ponch! [both laugh nervously] damn! i still got it. [both squeal and laugh] wait a second, dude. wait. that was us. i know. both: greatest night ever! ha ha ha! yes, enid, i hear baxter growling, but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house. baring his teeth, huh? ok, now, here's what you do. [clicks tongue] are you ready? make a sudden move! ha ha ha! [barking and growling] [enid screaming] ah, those two. sir, we've gotten some complaints that the new discount stethoscopes you ordered are uncomfortably tight. i contacted the manufacturer, but apparently he's decided to focus more

on his handmade smoking paraphernalia. nonsense! these are fine. [pop, hiss] [muffled] are you ok, dr. kelso? dr. kelso: sweet dancing jehovah! i've punctured my brain! [ding] boy, oh, boy, that's some rock. when's the big day? oh, me? no, no, never. my fiance dumped me. i'm just noticing how beautiful his mother's ring is... you know, compared to the fake one i sent back to him. oops. miss tracy, we found some organophosphates in your system. have you had any recent exposure to pesticides? pesticides? no, i don't have any pest problems. oh, god. that must be so nice. they're just feelings. they'll heal. don't worry. we're on top of this. [buzzer] ok-- bye. hey. hey. jordan was thinking we should all go to the carnival tonight. the carnival?! oh, i can't go to the carnival, danni. i puke at carnivals...a lot. heh... you don't really puke at carnivals, do you?

i do, but i still love 'em. look, i have an even dandier idea. why don't you crazy kids do something on your own? look, perry, the fact is, i'm jordan's sister, so as long as i'm staying in town, you're gonna be seeing a lot of these smiling faces. smile. oh! so, i waxed my legs at home last night. yeah. how did that go? not great. i can't do it. i'd rather die hairy. oh, mrs. koenings needs something to help her sleep. give her haloperidol. haloperidol won't put her to sleep. give her a benzo. it'll knock her right out. yeah, but sometimes with benzos, older people can have a bad reaction. elliot, have i ever steered you wrong? who suggested this? aah! uhh! smooth! benzo it is. hey, wait. what about this one? dude, my broccoli is hot. tell me you mean temperature-wise, because there is no way you can find broccoli sexy. oh, yeah. temperature-wise.

and mini green boobs-wise. bl-bl-bl! what's up?! sir, i wanted to talk to you about that hernia seminar this weekend? ok. sure. we can totally talk later. hey, dr. kelso. hey, dr. kelso, i don't know if you heard or not, but bernice, the lady who does the p.a. announcements usually, she just got hit by a bus, and, um, i was on the speech team in high school... [tuba playing] so, anyway, i was thinking that maybe from now on, i could do the announcements, you know, just until bernice gets back on her...foot. splendid! hmm! [bell clangs] j.d.: dr. cox seems to be having fun, but i think i know why. hah! ho! hoo! whack a newbie! whack a newbie! danger! you missed me. now i'm over here. ooh, newbie! ho! whoa!

ow! ow! oh, whack a newbie! [pounds] perry-- [stops] it's over. sorry. so, we're gonna go eat some more disgusting fried food and then look at the fat lady to make ourselves feel better. so we'll meet you guys on the ferris wheel... only if your stomach's ok. oh, yeah. it's only the back-and-forthy rides that get me. well, you have done it. it's friday night, and instead of being at home drinking whiskey through my son's sippy cup, i'm actually at a carnival with you, surrounded by...[sniffs] piles of manure, even though i've yet to see a single animal. that is weird. uh-huh. i'll tell you what-- how about we head right on over there, and if you can raise that hammer above your head with those chicken bones you call arms, i'll let you take a free whack at my dome. first of all, i already raised the hammer, and the only reason i didn't ring the bell is that the game is obviously rigged. [bell clangs] whoo-hoo! good job, son! uh-huh. look, the only positive thing about this whole situation is that it's driving you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it.

[bell clangs] father: way to go, tina! oh, come on! dr. tushi, you're needed in the o.r. nice name, buddy. beat up in high school much? [monitor beeping rapidly] carla: oh, it's ok, it's ok. what's going on? she's having a reaction to the benzo. [patient gasping] j.d.: there are a lot of different ways to get the upper hand in a relationship. well, i gave the guy half a corn dog so we can all ride foursies. [groans] just go. corn dog! j.d.: it can happen with a simple request. [loudly] could you take a look in my ears?! j.d.: it can happen because of a mistake. mrs. koenings is stabilized, so d/c the posey vest. that's never happened to me before with the benzo. i still think-- what do you think, carla? did you think that maybe i'm the doctor? because that's what i think, so maybe you should just d/c the vest like i asked

and keep your opinion to yourself. j.d.: still, even when you have the upper hand, it's important to be careful because some people fight dirty. you know, danni, i think it's amazing that you're actually comfortable dating j.d., what with him having nailed jordan and all. [loud creaking] ride operator: sorry, folks. little problem here. get you down in about an hour or so. [seat creaking] i don't feel so good.

swho live within five miles of custyour business?-54, like these two... and that guy. or maybe you want to reach women, ages 18 to 34, who are interested in fitness... namaste. whichever audience you're looking for, we'll find them we're the finders. we work here at comcast spotlight, and we have the best tools for getting your advertising message out there. anywhere, any way your audience watches. consider them found.

ever you want to him, as long as you got a smile on your face! holla! bob, you stupid mother-- [grinding sound, no dialogue audio] ha. thanks for the kind words, gang! [sighs] yes? carla, look, i just wanted to apologize. i'm so glad! i didn't want us to stay mad at each other. it's all my fault. i should never have listened to you in the first place. i mean, i need to be a strong enough doctor to just ignore you when you won't shut up. that's so sweet. janitor, on p.a.: all available medical personnel please report to the second floor for a catfight. catfight on the second floor. rreowwrr!

rreowwrr! rreowwrr! rreowwrr! [ding] well, we sent some hazmat guys over to your apartment, but they said there were no signs of pesticides. they also said you mixed art deco with indonesian antiques. i think that is so daring. reel it in, queer eye. thanks, guys. honestly, i can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me. well, you know-- [buzzer] we gotta go. you should know your little cheap shot didn't land, because danni isn't mad at me at all. hey, baby! you coming to give pop-pop some candy? 'cause i'm hungry. ok. later's fine, too. [elevator bell dings] oh, yeah. i mean, i can-- i can feel the love all over. you believe that elliot giving me all that attitude? you know, 2 weeks ago, an o.r. nurse with, like, 20 years experience started telling me i was tying the wrong suture. but i bet you listened to her, right? no. i kicked her ass out of the o.r.! huh! but i bet you were nice about it, right? no. i made her cry. the point is, baby, whatever happens with this patient, it's on my shoulders, and it's the same with elliot, and you know that.

that's what makes your relationship so complicated. outside this hospital, yeah, you're the boss of elliot, and, well, you know, you're the boss of me, and, baby, you're the boss of everyone, but in this building, elliot's in charge. am i really the boss of everybody outside of here? baby, you the boss of everybody in the world. ok. ok. mwah. janitor, on p.a.: dr. dorian, dr. turk is free for his rectal exam. he said you'd know what that means. "dear dr. cox, i think it's important that you know how much i care for danni and how hurt i was by your attempt to sabotage our relationship." isn't it enough that i'm reading it? i'm sorry. always fun to be in the bathroom listening to people talk so clearly, you're sure they just heard you pee. you did, didn't you? you start and stop a lot. lovely. here. [ding] uh, actually, there's great news, miss tracy. we're sending you home.

although i sure wish we could've figured out how that stuff got introduced into your system to begin with, sometimes in medicine you have to just chalk it up to one of life's great mysteries, like crop circles or this gal's adam's apple. i'm a girl. that's original. hey, guys, i just want to say, if i don't see you again, thanks, and take care. you be well, darlin'. we'll see you next time. [buzzer] want to hear a great letter? no. hey, everybody, this place has dynamite lamb. what are you doing here? i called him. lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night, i've been feeling a lot of, well... guilt. no. not that. guilt? yes, that. [sighs] i don't like her to be right. look, danni, i know you're upset about your sister, and i-- j.d., if i didn't go out with the guys my sister slept with, i wouldn't have even had a date to the prom. then what is it? last night i told you i was falling in love with you, and you know what you said?

thank you? you asked me if i wanted to go get pizza. no. pineapple pizza. sweetie, you can't take this personally. he's a doctor. they don't listen to anyone. please don't lump us all together with numbnuts over here. oh, really? this morning i asked you to do me a favor involving my mother. what was it? well, i can only hope that it had something to do with hiring people to kill her? oh, come on. you know what? i hope you guys listen better to your patients. j.d.: and for some reason, right then, we both knew how those pesticides had gotten in our patient's system. lucky for me. i couldn't pay my rent this month. say, that's some rock. when's the big day? oh, me? no, no, never. my fiance dumped me... i honestly can't remember the last time anyone was this nice to me. hey, guys, i just want to say, if i don't see you again, thanks, and take care. she did it to herself. we gotta go.

j.d.: i guess the problem with only listening to a patient for 15 seconds is, sometimes you don't hear everything. and when you finally realize what they were trying to say, you might have lost them forever. miss tracy. hey, guys. we need to talk. about what? how have things been going lately? ok. why? i-- uh...actually, it has, uh... been a couple of rough months. come on, jill. come on. j.d.: you can never underestimate the importance of listening. a quick note for all my comatose listeners out there-- all your lovers have moved on. but, if it's any consolation, my sources tell me

they're happy. well, you snooze, you lose. in other news-- get off that thing! j.d.: listening can affect your career. there you are, you deaf bastard! i hate you so much, every time you utter my name, i want to stick my fist all the way down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it! ted, i can hear now. who's ted? j.d.: listening can even mend a friendship. carla, could you go get-- you know what? forget it. no, doctor, just tell me what you need. i'll do it. let's give him one gram of ancef for prophylaxis. j.d.: ultimately, it keeps you in the moment so you don't miss the things that really matter. just say it again. no. you have to earn it. i'll try. oh, for god's sake, we're watching a movie here.

shh! kill me. [crash] [grunts] j.d.: relationships can be defined by how long people have been together... i am so late, i don't even have time to eat. whether you've been together for a few weeks... do you want to have sex? yes. [grunts] or together for 3 years. baby, what do you think about getting pregnant right after the wedding? see ya! [horns honk, tires screech] carla, you can't ask a guy that while he's driving. my bad. j.d.: yes, it was your bad, carla. or whether you've been together for more than 5 years... why don't we ever have sex?