i paused it. bam, family time. so how is everyone? find your awesome with xfinity xfi and change the way you wifi. - come on, you guys, our parents are gonna be back any minute. - do you think they're gonna be pissed at us for lying that they molested us and sending them all to jail for 10 days? - well, they can't be too pissed off, i mean, we made them a banner. - hey, kids! - hey, you guys came back! - did you make it to your job interview? - yeah, i got the job. you're looking at the new manager of denny's in breckenridge. - and i got my tubes tied! [together] all right! - well, thanks for everything, you guys. you really helped us see how important parents are. [together] yeah! - hey, here they come! - mom, dad! - kids! - come here, come here. - oh, kyle, ike sweetie, you're okay! - yeah, we're fine. kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible sexual abuse over the years. but we're all better now. - but, you didn't do anything to me.

- ahp-- we did. we've come to terms with it through therapy and learned to admit it. it won't happen again! - but, you guys, i-- - oh, stanley, i wish we could take back all the years of abuse, but we can't. - we've learned to overcome it, son, you'll see. - we love you, son, but we only love you in a platonic way, from now on! - what the heck are you talking about? - kenny, kenny, we're sorry. where is he? - everything's gonna be all right now, jenny. come on, let's go home. - huh. - huh. - well, what are you kids gonna do now? - i dunno. you guys wanna go build a snow igloo? - sure. - snow igloos kick ass.

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. tonight's guest, cnn contributor and author of the new book "beyond the messy truth," van jones is here, everybody, on the show. ( cheers and applause ) but first: >> would you willingly send facebook a naked photo of yourself to make sure it never shows up publicly on the social network? people who are concerned their intimate images might be shared by someone else on social media, can use facebook messenger to send the explicit pictures to

themselves. the social media giant reviews the photos and pictures that violate facebook's policies are given a digital fingerprint. if another user tries to upload those same images, technology would recognize the fingerprint, and the photo won't be posted. ( laughter ) >> trevor: really, faeb? ( laughter ) you want us to send you our news? get the (bleep) out of here, man. how about, mark zuckerberg, you send us your news. actually, no, that's owls a bad idea. this whole thing say bad idea. this is bad for everybody, except for people caught cheating. for them it's a great excuse. your woman is like, "who is she?" and you're like, "no, no, baby, baby, i wasn't sending news. i was uploading those pics to to

facebook to save our relationship." "then why is it in your phone as shaylene?" "also correct?" i don't care what facebook says, this is a pervy moon. i was like this is the most pervy story of the day, and then louis c.k. said, "hold my penis." like, at this point, we're going to need a new oscar category this year: best actor whose movies we can't watch anymore. laugh and, you know, now they think about tall women in hollywood should win double oscars for acting like all the men were cool all along, every single one of them. ( cheers and applause ) like, it's getting to the point whenever i see a beloved celebrity's name trending on twitter i'm like, "oh, please tell me they're dead. please tell me they're dead. oh, damn it!" every day. let's move on. this week, president trump has been in asia, to reboot all the foreign policy he had already torched. and so far his trip has been

should beful. he got on well with shinzo in japan he didn't start a war while visiting south korea. but now we are on to the main event, the country in asia that was one of trump's campaign main villains. it went number one, cooked hillary. number two, the wind. and number three kleina. >> china has taken our jobs, our money, our base, our manufacturing. it's greatest theft in the history of the world what they've done to the united states. we can't continue to allow china to rape our country-- and that's what they're doing. and let me tell you, it's them that's the problem! are they going to treat us fairly and treat us justly or it's bye-bye, bye-bye. >> "bye-bye." he sound like a racist teletubby. there's la-la dipsy, and then bing bong, mexican children, bye-bye! so if you saw trump on the campaign you wouldn't be crazy to think that he was going to go to china, kick down the door,

grab their president. but for this visit, china was a step ahead. you see, for them, it was time for "operation beijing butter up. of the. >> in china, a lavish red carpet welcome for president trump complete with honor guards. on the motorcade route, excited school children waving american and chinese flags. >> donald trump seems to be seduced by the lavish red carpet state visit. >> we're having a great time. >> trevor: okay, first of all, i don't know if that was a red carpet or if trump's neckitize were just getting longer? ( laughter ) second of all, who were those kids? and why were they jumping? what was going on there. but still, look how happy he is. this is the part of being president that he loves-- people parading for him, not having to walk, touching chine shiny thin. that's what donald wanted from the presidency not meeting with mitch mcconnell. you could tell trump was slowly being reseussed by his new earn

friends. >> the president, of course, has had the red carpet rolled out for him. president xi jinping is trying to flatter president trump. >> they're all trying to figure out, how do you get to trump? how do you wow him? how do you woo him? how do you seduce him. >> president xi jinping playing tour guide, taking president trump and the first lady to the forbidden city and to a traditional chinese opera. ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> trevor: you can see the exact moment they told him jackie chan wasn't in this. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but, but, shame, shame. like, you've got to give trump props. he tried. he went to a chinese opera. and i respect that. because i know what it's like when a friend forces you to sit through a performance, and you can't wait for it to end. ♪ ♪

♪ she's a girl and she's a friend to me ♪ she's my lover she's so kind to me ( applause ) ♪ no one knows just why you would ever be there for me ♪ she's a girl who is more of a christmas tree ♪ she's got so many gifts for me she's a giving love tree, aaah♪ >> that's kind of how that one goes. >> trevor: it's really nice. >> yeah. i have four more. ( clears throat ) the next one is kind of a rocker, you know what i mean? >> trevor: time to pee. >> trevor: that was the first time i missed apartheid. ( cheers and applause ) so you might be watching this whole trip and thinking, come on, man. the chinese are so dumb. you can't play trump. he is "the art of the deal."

he's not going to watch your little show and all of a sudden be like, "you know what? i don't blame china." >> i don't blame china. ( laughter ) >> trevor: wait, what? what happened to the "china raping america" part. it's one thing to not blame them. it's another thing to praise them for ripping america off. >> after all, who can blame a country for being able to take advantage of another country for the benefit of its citizens? i give china great credit. >> audience: oooh! >> trevor: wow. i never thought i would hear an american president tell his geopolitical adversary, "well, played, guys. we had it coming. yeah, we had it coming." and trump's tone on this trip went beyond just politeness. he praised xi in person and even tweeted a video for his new best friend. >> president xi, i want to thank you for a incredible, welcoming ceremony.

you're a very special man. my feeling toward you is an incredibly warm one. our meeting last night was absolutely perfect. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ our relationship with you and china is a very important one to me. in the coming months and years, i look forward to building an even stronger relationship between our two countries and even closer friendships and relationships between the people of our countries. >> trevor: "that's why president xi and i would be honored if you joined us on our special day. ( laughter ) we're registered at the ancient ming pottery barn." ( laughter ) look, if you're a trump supporter, him letting china off the hook probably doesn't make you feel great. but if he really is your guy, you should also be happy that he found love. ( laughter ) you can't deny that this trip was magical.

it felt like one long episode of "the bachelor in china." ♪ ♪ >> president xi, i want to thank you. again, you're a very special man. our meeting last night was absolutely terrific. ♪ ♪ our dinner was beyond that. my feeling toward you is an incredibly warm one. there's great chemistry, and i think we're going to do tremendous things for both china and for the united states. >> trevor: ooooh! ( cheers and applause ) that's all good and well and really romantic, until trump gets home, turns on the lights, finds putin waiting for him like, "enjoy your little trip, donald? i saw the video. who is xi?" we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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or a little internet machine? it makes you wonder: shouldn't we get our phones and internet from the same company? that's why xfinity mobile comes with your internet. you get up to 5 lines of talk and text at no extra cost. so all you pay for is data. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a news story falls through the cracks, our very own lewis black catches it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> this saturday is veterans day, and there are two ways to celebrate it: by visiting a vet in the hospital, bringing them a

hot meal, looking them in the eye and saying, thank you for your service." or the more traditional way: by using them as political pawns. and guess which one our politicians chose? >> when they're playing the national anthem, i don't care who you are, where you are-- you stand, and you give respect for those men and women, the millions of people who have served this nation. >> i kneel because i will stand with those young men, and i will stand with our soldiers. >> let's not disrespect our troops and our veterans and all who love this great country by saying that america is not worth standing for. >> just tell us how you feel about an issue. leave the troops out of it. "believe me, margaret, i'd love to use a condom, but it's disrespectful to the troops. ( laughter ) don't you want my penis to stand for the national anthem?" listen, at the end of the day, the troops are individuals with different opinions.

some don't want people to kneel for the flag. some do. some are cat people. some are dog people. ( laughter ) and some, god help me, are iguana people! ( laughter ) although, iguanas are not so much a pet as a relationship red flag. if you see a terrarium sneak out before breakfast. and speaking of iguanas, what does eric trump have to say about all of this? >> i mind kneeling, and my father minds kneeling. and, you know, it's one thing i've always said for my father, he'll fight for this country. and this is another great example of him fighting for this country. >> wait a minute. what was the first example of him fighting for his country? the only serving trump has ever done is divorce papers. >> audience: ooooh! >> oh, really! ( laughter ) ( applause ) seriously! oh, man! look, i don't begrudge the

president dodging the draft. i spent the vietnam war on mescaline, sitting in a hot tub with a golden retriever named judy. ( laughter ) so this veterans day season, maybe our government could cut the sanctimony and do something concrete to actually help them. for example, the victims of agent orange. it's half a century since the military exposed thousands of our troops to it, but bureaucrats still can't agree on which cancers to pay for. >> the department of veterans affairs says it needs more time to decide if any ailments will be added to the list of conditions leading to compensation for agent orange exposure. >> after an 18-month study from the v.a. to add certain health problems, there are yet more delays. >> does it really take 56 years for these bureaucrats to figure out if poison poisons people? that's why it's called "poison," asshole, and not gatorade!

you want me to prove it? ( cheers and applause ) if you'd like, i can come to your office and spray some agent orange on you. ( laughter ) and here's a way to really help some vets with p.t.s.d.: maybe let them use a medical treatment that actually works! >> david shulkin, the new secretary of the v.a., publicly acknowledged that marijuana may have some benefit to veterans with disabilities. but doctors at the v.a. are forbidden from even talking about it with patients, even when those using it show signs of improving because the federal government still classifies marijuana as an illegal drug with no medicinal value. >> if the weed works, then get them weed! buy it for them! call that bike messenger in brooklyn! you know, the one covered in tattoos, but not the one who wants to stop and smoke the weed with you. these men and women have suffered enough!

or, if you really want to honor our veterans, you can take steps not to create more veterans. because ever since 9/11, the government has had the power to send troops wherever they want in the name of fighting terrorism, even to countries we didn't even know existed until we found out we had troops there. >> the investigation continues into the deaths of the four soldiers killed during a reconnaissance mission in niger, western africa. some members of congress admit they were unaware of the actual number of u.s. forces on the ground there. >> i didn't know there was 1,000 troops in niger. >> you heard senator graham-- he didn't know we had 1,000 troops in niger. did you? >> no, i did not. >> you're the ones who are supposed to know how many troops we have everywhere! is that too much to ask? why can't we just fire you guys, like president kevin spacey? ( laughter ) >> trevor: lewis black, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a cnn political commentator, activist, and author of "the new york times" bestselling book "beyond the messy truth: how we came apart, how we come together." please welcome van jones. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, my goodness. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> here we are. >> trevor: good to you have back. >> glad to be back. >> trevor: i'm glad to have you at this time in particular. let's get straight into it. races happened. democrats are happy. some people liken it to small races but it is a big, symbolic win. what did the election results mean for the democrats? >> well, it means that we're not just going to sit here and get mistreated. part part of the thing is for the past year, donald trump has

been retriggering and retraumatizing and folks said, "i'm going to get to vote soon. i'm going to get to vote." and people came out to vote. and the good thing for democrats is we had a tough primary in virginia-- the progressive actually got beaten, tom perriello-- but he actually went out and brought the party together. and it showed we can do three things: we can have a tough primary. we can come back together. and we can actually win when we decide to fight. ( applause ) >> trevor: in the book, you specifically write two open letters to the democrats and the republicans. it's interesting because the book is, "how we came apart, how we come together." double america was ever together for it to come apart? >> certainly more so than now. listen, we've had a long, couple of hundred years of a lot of division. but, you know, you now have half the country that has a ritual called waking up in the morning, picking up their cell phone, and freak out all day. >> trevor: right.

>> that's basically what half the country does. ( laughter ) and, so, you know, that's new. that's a new level of low. and part of what i wanted to do was to have a tough love letter to both sides of this. i wanted to tell the republicans, "you guys, listen. you used to be the party of lincoln. you're now in danger of becoming the party of steve bannon. so you've got to look in the mirror and figure out who you're going to be and why that makes sense for you." but i think for liberals and progressives going forward, i think it's okay for us to admit we did a good job of including a bunch of folks who had been left out, been mistreated -- muslims, l.g.b.t.q., african americans, immigrants. we did a good job of including those folks but we may have drawn our circle a little too small in 20 taken 16 and there may have been some folks who were hurting who didn't feel like they had a place in the party. some of them are some white guys. there's nothing wrong with admitting that because honestly when we are at our best we fight for everybody. we don't leave anybody out, and

that's what we have to do. ( cheers and applause ). >.>> trevor: when you look forward now, it looks like there is hope. what do you think the message is that democrats got from this election? and what do you think the message republicans got from these elections? >> republicans should be very worried. and i don't say that-- what republicans benefited from last time was a degree of doubt. people said, "i doubt if he can win. and i doubt if he gets in there that he's going to act like the same fool he did on the campaign trail." trevor: right. >> now you know this guy can win and he will be worse when he's in office than he was on the campaign trail. so now a lot of people who were sitting back eating, you know, popcorn and tweeting and fanning themselves and weren't working in 2016 are going to work in 2020, and they're going to work in 2018. one thing i just don't think liberals have been honest with ourselves about for all our upset with donald trump-- we didn't work hard to stop donald trump in 2016. we were upset. we were tweeting. but we did not go out there like

we did in 2008, in 2012. we worked harder to stop mitt romney-- ( laughter ) ...than donald trump. and i would vote for mitt romney and give mitt romney a lap dance if he would come back and be president. ( cheers and applause ) we didn't-- we just didn't do well. we didn't do right. ( applause ) so if i were a republican, i would be worried because people are going to vote, but if i were a democrat, don't get cocky. because we're going to have to work very, very hard. we have people who are in pain and disappointed, and this anti-trump sentiment could become an antipolitic sentiment, and people can go from being outraged to giving up and that can't happen, either. so, democrats, stay on your grind. >> trevor: thank you for being on the show. ( cheers and applause ) "beyond the messy truth" is available now. van jones, everybody. ( cheers and applause )