call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. all right, roll call. i think it's-- i think we can see that we're all here, it's fine. all clear. (sighs) dryer set fire. it's a newton elite. it's built only to dry satins, silk, or gold-infused fabrics. looks like you guys are drying cheap cotton and polyester here. fire was inevitable. thank you, sorry. (phone vibrates) oh, it's heidi. okay. okay, it's okay. hey, heidi. yeah, it was a small dryer fire. great! enjoy the hamptons, and i'll talk to you soon. um, she didn't even know there was a laundry room. uh, doesn't affect her in any way. wow. that must be nice. you wanna head back inside? um... i don't think so. thanks for coming over. it was... interesting. goodbye, abbi. 'kay.

richard, wait. do you... jerk off to your students? all teachers do. you kinda have to. hey, abbi, one more thing. you have to keep reading. your brain is a muscle. if you don't use it regularly... it goes away. what a righteous dude. ♪ don't you ♪ forget about me >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, a filmmaker whose new documentary investigates the heroin epidemic, elaine mcmillion sheldon is joining us everybody. ( cheers and applause ) but first, but first, a seismic shift in southern africa. >> an apparent coup in zimbabwe. >> 93-year-old president robert mugabe and his family appear to be in military custody. >> mugabe has been in power for nearly four decades, ruling the african nation with an iron fist since securing independence in 1980, counting on loyal support from the military, until now. >> trevor: okay, okay. i think the news is being dramatic here, all right. you don't overthrow a 93-year-old man, okay? ( laughter ) you just don't wake him up. ( laughter ) yeah. the generals are probably in the

room like-- ( whispering ) "we're now in power. we rule. shhhh!" you know how it's funny how back in the day, americans would have seen this news and been like, "man, i'm glad that doesn't happen here." and now people are like, "man, i wish that happened here." ( laughter ) oh, and speaking of african dictators, president trump is back from asia. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and, apparently, very thirsty for applause. january of this year, japanese companies have announced investments in the united states worth more than $8 billion, 17,000 jobs. thank you. oh, you don't have water? that's okay. ( laughter ) what? that's okay. oh. ( laughter )

>> trevor: "i don't always drink water, but when i do, i look super weird." ( laughter ) why is he afraid to open the water? like it's going to fizz all over him. like, what is he doing? like, this is a guy who, clearly, only drank soda for the last 40 years. what are you doing over there? and, also, who holds a bottle of water like it's a sippy cup-- like, his hands are so strange the way he's holding it up to his face. and, also, when you watch it, he bends his head down to the water bottle before wrapping his lips around the top and then pouring it down his mouth. the whole time, he's making eye contact with the camera. ( laughter ) tell me this person is not an alien! tell me! ( laughter ) ( applause ) tell me now!

you know what i was hoping for? i wish when he was still looking for water, and he was, like, really dry, i wish at that moment, people from puerto rico would have come out and started throwing water bottles at his face. ( applause ) but let's move on to congress, because people say that congress never gets anything done. but yesterday, yesterday, they got more nothing done than i have ever seen before. ( laughter ) first, attorney general jeff sessions flew in from the north pole to explain to the house judiciary committee why his memory is perfect. except when it comes to remembering russians, he couldn't remember them at all. and maybe this is why sessions wants to keep confederate statues. it's the only way he can remember what happened. like, they should put up a statue of putin in d.c. and maybe he'll say, "oh, yeah, i was colluding with him." and then out of nowhere, it came out that the senate republican tax plan will now include repealing obamacare's individual mandate.

which would mean 13 million fewer americans having health insurance. you've got to admit, this is super sneaky. like, they couldn't repeal obamacare outright, so now they're just going to try to bill cosby it-- you know, they just slip it into something else so america wakes up the next day like, "wait, what the hell happened to our health care?" "what health care? you don't have a plan, and now you're going to die." now, while all of this was happening, over in a different senate room, they were trying to figure out how to baby-proof america's nuclear arsenal. >> for the first time in more than 40 years, the senate began considering limits on a president's unchecked powers to launch a nuclear strike. >> republican senator bob corker, who previously has called the trump white house an "adult daycare center" and questions the president's fitness for office, he and his senate foreign relations committee held a hearing on the president's sole authority to

order a nuclear strike. >> is this hearing a rebuke on president trump? >> not in any anyway, no. >> trevor: "not in any way, no, no." oh, bob corker you are such a troll. he came out and said donald trump is an adult daycare. "this is nothing. you thought my hearing was about trump? no. oh, now that you mention it, i guess he is president. yeah. i didn't even think about that until now, yeah. i didn't put that together." because, of course, it's about trump. come on. he drops nuclear threats all the time. remember this? >> we will have no choice but to totally destroy north korea. >> trevor: yeah. that dude has the impulse control of the first kid to die in the wonka factory tour. ( laughter ) that's why they're having these meetings. and if you're looking for some reassurance about president augustus gloop, there is some good news. >> the system is not a button that the president can accidentally lean on-- against in-- on the desk and immediately

cause missiles to fly, as some people in the public, i think, are-- fear it would be. >> trevor: oh, it's funny that you have to say that. "don't worry, don't worry. it can't happen if he leans on it, because we know he will. it won't happen. it won't happen. there's no need to panic. there is no need to panic. the process of launching a nuclear weapon has been idiot proofed. it's just on the off chance america ever elects an idiot president-- unlikely, but still. the problemis, it won't be accidental stupidity that causes trump to end the world, but it could definitely still be his on on-purpose craziness, you know. he could launch this whenever he likes, because right now, all trump needs to do-- all trump needs to do is open the nuclear briefcase, punch in his launch codes, and it's bombs away. and it doesn't help that the briefcase is called the "nuclear football." because you know how trump gets around football. like, that should be the first step-- change the name to the "nuclear chessboard," and then trump will be like, "is that the game with the horses? i i'm out.

i'm out. i don't like it." now, look, i'm not one of those people who just talks. i'm about action. that's why, during my lunch break, i decided to custom build something. i decided to custom build this nuclear briefcase just for the president. ( laughter ) and, basically, what this does is make sure that donald trump doesn't launch a missile without working hard. first, before launching, he has to send a tweet, right? ( laughter ) he has to send a tweet about the launch with no spelling errors whatsoever. if successful, that activates this keypad over here, where the president has to put in eric's birthday. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and, i mean, he has, like, a one-in-365 chance of getting it right, right? and then, and then, finally, just to make sure that it's really him, he has to scan his tax returns right over here. ( cheers and applause )

just to make sure it's him. tax returns go in there. and, you know, at that point, he's going to be like, "you know what, folks? i can't blow up north korea, because my lawyer says i'm under audit, folks. so i get the diplomacy. kim jong, you look nice." he's got to want it. that's all i'm saying. we'll be right back, folks. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ what i got's full stock ♪ of thoughts and dreams that scatter ♪ ♪ you pull them all together ♪ and how, i can't explain

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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." yesterday's action in congress continued, yet another hearing, but this time not on nukes, but rather on the proliferation of an even more-disturbing weapon. their own dicks. because, you see, sexual harassment is not just for hollywood and malls alabama mauls. >> republican barbara comstock in graphic detail telling one former staffer's story about a current member of congress, left unnamed. >> this member asked a staffer to bring them over some materials to their residence, and the young staffer-- it was a young woman-- went there and was greeted with a member in a towel, it was a male, who then invited her in. at that point, he decided to expose himself. >> trevor: really, the towel again? did everyone go to the same

"whiteish" school of sexual harassment? everyone does the same thing. the key is to work with terry cloth. that's the main thing. and then gravity. it's like who the hell was it? i don't know about you, but i want to know which lawmakers it was. i know it wasn't mitch mcconnell because if he tried to expose himself he wouldn't just have to drop a towel. he would have to roll up his neck skin. hold on, hold on. if you're mad that lawmakers are sexually harassing their coworkers, wait until you find out who's paying for it. >> settlements, when they happen, are paid not by members or their offices but by a special u.s. treasure fund. according to the office of compliance, $15 million in taxpayer money has been paid to settle harassment and discrimination claims. >> trevor: $15 million in taxpayer money. it's amazing how with all the things congress apparent can't find money for, there's still

plenty of cash to pay for their sexual harassment. i feel like america should make a simple rule for congress-- if you're going to take your dick out of your pants. you should take the money out of your pants as well. simple rule-- dick out, money out. it's simple. ( applause ) and it gets worse. not only is sexual harassment all too common in congress. congressional rules make it really hard for victims to even report it. like i'm talking incredibly hard. here's what you have to do if you are a legislative branch employee who wants to file a formal sexual harassment complaint. and this is actual federal law. first, you have to go through 30 days of mandatory counseling. yeah, counseling for you, the accuser, you know, so you can think about what you didn't do. then you have to do a month of mediation. and if you still feel like suing your harasser, well, then there's another 30-day cooling off period. yeah, because you're so mad about all of the counseling and mediation, that they just made you go through. and then after all of that, then you can file the complaint,

unless, unless that other process, all of that bureaucratic (bleep) took more than 180 days, in which case, you're too late. yeah, too late. can you imagine that happening after any other crime? "help, help, officer, my car was just stolen." "all right, all right. come back in the spring, and we'll start looking for it. but don't wait too long or it doesn't count. all right, bye-bye, now." by the way, even if you are able to file a complaint, none of your colleagues are able to speak on your behalf, yes, because i guess as congressional code title 2, part 13 says snitches gets bchs." this process is so complicated and demoralizing, even the h.r. department at fox news would be like, "you guys have no respect for women. like, nothing at all." for more on the sexual harassment rules in congress, we turn now to our brty own michelle wolf, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) michelle, michelle, when you see congress--

>> don't even ask. i'm locked and loaded. men, pay attention. dick down, ears up. don't harass people, and don't you dare make it hard to report. reporting an unwanted dick shouldn't require a quest. we have to do counseling, then mediation, then a cooling-off period. what's the last step, pull this ancient sword from a stone to prove you truly are the victim? no, that's not a sword! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and those aren't stones! ( laughter ) also, men, when you open the door in a towel, what do you think will happen? you'll drop it, and we'll be like, "oh, i simply must have sex with that"? ( laughter ) hey, men, here's a secret-- women's bodies are great. your bodies are an obligation. ( laughter ) the whole title of that john mayer song should be "your body is a wonderland and mine is an abandoned warehouse."

( laughter ) you know why we stare in your eyes when we have sex with you? it's because your eyes are the least-repulsive part of your body. ( laughter ) the eyes are the windows away from your dick. you know why penises go in holes? because we don't want to see them! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) you know what else we put in holes? dead bodies. >> trevor: but, michelle, what about-- >> no! still locked! still loaded! how about this, congress-- next time you want to grab an ass or whip out your dick, pretend it's gun violence and do what you do best-- nothing. and your dick will be right where it needs to be: only in thoughts and prayers. >> trevor: michelle wolf, everybody. locked and loaded. we'll be right back. ( applause )

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show," everybody. my guest tonight is a peabody award-winning documentary film make who are produced and directed the netflix couplary short called "herione(s)" >> you know, i see this as a countrywide problem that has the potential to bankrupt the country. you know, we conservatively estimated that powell county-- and we're talking 96,000 people, probably about $100 million in health care costs associated with i.v. drug use in 2015. that's one small county in one small state. ( sirens ). >> i don't-- i can't even fathom what it's going to look like when it plateaus. >> trevor: please welcome elaine mcmillion sheldon. ( cheers and applause )

>> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: this is one of the most heart-wrenching stories that i think america is waking up to all over the country. >> agreed. >> trevor: the opioid epidemic. first question is, because some people still deny it, is it really an epidemic, and why? >> it's the lead ago drug overdoses are the leading cause for deaths under, you know-- americans under 50. that's how they're dying. so i think it's hard to deny the amount of prescribe ago over-prescribe that's happening and it's leading to overdose deaths so, yes, it's an epidemic. >> trevor: and the story that you made is interesting because it's personal, as much as it is happening toeb as well. you-- you went back to west virginia to make this story. why did you choose to go there? >> i'm from west virginia. i'm proud of my state, and we struggle a lot.

and, unfortunately, we're a drop-in place fair lot of media to come in and sort of tell america about all of our problems, but we have a lot of people that are also working to change those problems. and i think in today's-- you know, we need stories of hope. we need stories of people fighting for change, and these three women represent that. >> trevor: the three women you're speaking about in the documentary are a fire chief, a judge, and a street missionary. it's interesting-- i'm not sure if you did it intentionally-- it's the three level where's we should be helping people, on the ground, on the basic level, and somebody who is deciding the future lives that they will live, and then somebody who is helping them out of the immediate place that they're in. why were these people so important in the story? >> well, gen, the fire chief of huntington, the first female fire chief in west virginia history, and she leads the new cause to be more empathetic to people suffering from addition.

they are not treated well. particularly communities of color have been locked up for addiction. she is leading that movement in heinsohn, with many people-- two of those people being a drug court judge. a drug court participant costs $7,000 a year, versus incarc rating them $24,000 a year. >> trevor: it's interesting that you bring it up as an idea that keeps cripg ling the communities because,ob, people of color experienced this in america for a long time. and now the story has received, you know, more attention. when you look at the communities themselves and you look at these people who are suffering with the addiction, there is often a misconception about who they are. >> right. >> trevor: you went, you investigated, you met these people. who is somebody suffering from a drug addiction in any parts of america, specifically west virginia? >> i mean, it could be all of us are really a short trauma away from being addicted.

these are really powerful painkillers. and the people suffering from addiction range from people who were prescribed these for injuries to people who maybe have emotional trauma from things that happened earlier in their lives that they haven't dealt with. also, you know, it's a depressed economy in appalachia, and all across small towns so, you know, humans seek to find escape. and so, it's-- it's brain chemistry, it's environment, it's social. there's a lot of things that play. and there's no-- there's no silver bull tote fix tunfortunately. >> trevor: there isn't a silver bullet to fix it, but it seems like america's lawmakers have been slow at stopping the bullet from being fired in the first place. >> right. >> trevor: when watching the documentary, it's made very apparent that there seems to be a business behind this. it's not a mistake that these pills are getting out there. >> no, the town of cermtit, west virginia, is less than 400 population. nine million pills were sent to one single pharmacy over two

years. that's just an astounding amount of pills for a town of 400. >> trevor: right. >> so, and also, i mean, the d.e.a. raises quotas for their production of these pills. you know, it needs to come from all levels. >> trevor: when you look at the levels that it needs to come from, as somebody who has seen it on the ground, as somebody who has spoken to the people, where do you feel the most effective solution lies? >> well, i mean, i think, you know, obviously, there's a lot of attention, which helps. it starts the conversation. but i think as a culture we have to decide to treat people more. there's more empathy and love for one another and that's what these women represent. they represent what's needed, which is grass roots. it's not a federal sort of one thing that can be done that is going to change everything. we need people on the ground that are caring for one another more. and right now, in society, we're not seeing a lot of that. so that's also a different way of thinking about things. but, certainly, rehab beds,

detox beds, you know, medically assisted treatment. there's plenty of-- there's plenty of things that other countries are to go to help people suffering from addiction. so i'd just like to see our federal government learn from the people on the ground because they live through it every day. they're on the front lines. they have the solutions. they just have to talk to them. >> trevor: hopefully they've got netflix in congress. thank you so much for being on the show. "herione(s)" is streaming now on netflix. elaine mcmillion sheldon, everybody. we'll be right back. ( applause )