9/11. it's all right here in these secret documents, but you'll never get them. [yawns] - i knew it! you didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy! - boys, you don't understand. people need to think we're all-powerful, that we control the world. if they know we weren't in charge of 9/11, then we appear to control nothing. - why don't you just tell people the truth? - we do that, too. and most people believe the truth. but one-fourth of the population is retarded. if they wanna believe that we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them? - just one thing, mr. president. how the devil did you know we were all here? - [gun cocks] - how come you couldn't just go home, dude? that's all we had to do! - stan! what the [bleep]? - it was all planned out! - you knew this whole time? why? - because it was me. i'm the one who took a dump in the urinal. - what?

- the stalls were full and i didn't wanna miss recess! i didn't think it would turn into such a big deal! - so you blamed the government? - and the government was more than willing to take the blame so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11. - oh, man, now everyone's gonna know. why did the stupid hardly boys have to be so good at solving mysteries? - so wait, wait. stan took the dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy website? but the conspiracy site was run by the government? - yeah. - so then who was responsible for 9/11? - whaddaya mean? a bunch of pissed-off muslims. - yeah. what are you, retarded? - [laughter] - well, it looks like this mystery is solved. it's time for the culprit to finally pay! - [rustling] - when you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? how would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? - [chuckles] - oh, you think that's funny, huh? yeah, that's real funny!

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight-- you may know her from being hillary clinton11 hillary clinton, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but first, yesterday afternoon, there was a tragic terror attack right here in new york city. and i'm going to be honest with you-- like most new yorkers, i was angry, and i was scared. i ride on that bike path, just like everybody else. but if there's one thing i've come come to love about the city is that it's new york. and new yorkers aren't going to let terrorists change their lives, especially when they have a party to get to. >> the city recovered quickly tonight as thousands packed the halloween parade route. >> i think as new yorkers, we

wanted to show we can still come out to the streets. >> nothing stops new yorkers. >> i refuse to live in fear. >> in a time like this, we need to come together. >> happy, halloween! >> happy halloween, everyone! >> we can't live in fear. i'm not going to let fear stop me, okay. i'm going to keep doing what i'm doing. i'm going to have fun. i'm going to pray for those people, but i'm going to have fun. >> trevor: you go, girl! ( applause ) "i'm going to pray for those people, but i'm going to have fun." isis, come on, look at that. you have no chance. are you serious? you are never going to beat that lady. and new york is almost all that lady. ( laughter ) in fact, if you look closely at the statue of liberty, its face is that lady. ( laughter ) ( applause ) resilience. and, also, resilience aside, if you've already spent five hours working on your halloween costume, you are going to that parade, all right. "i don't care what happened earlier that day. no terrorist is going to stop me from making it look like i murdered my child and served him for dinner. this is america, damn it!"

( laughter ) now, in times like these, america often looks to its leaders for guidance, for comfort. unfortunately, right now, america has donald trump. >> after the attack, president trump tweeted, "the suspect is a very sick and deranged person." hours later he tweeted again, "i have just ordered homeland security to step up our already extreme vetting program. being politically correct is fine, but not for this." >> trevor: okay, wait. so he's stepping up his already extreme vetting. what does that mean? like, this is the problem with always using hyperbole-- you have nowhere to go. how do you improve "extreme vetting"? what, it was three "x"s, now it's four. now it's super, mega, ultra extreme! i'm talking fill anal! ( laughter ) what does that mean? now, clearly, president trump decided just hours after this attack to make this an immigration issue, which is a

little confusing, because when a neo-nazi killed someone by plowing their car into a group of people in charlottesville, trump took a very different approach. >> why did you wait so long? >> i wanted to make sure, unlike most politicians, that what i said was correct, not make a quick statement. you don't make statements that direct unless you know the facts. it takes a little while to get the facts. you still don't know the facts. and it's a very, very important process to me. so i don't want to go quickly and just make a statement for the sake of making a political statement. i want to know the facts. >> trevor: huh. so when it was a nazi, trump needed more facts. when it was a muslim, that was the only fact that he needed. and, now, the president is still pretty new to politics, so other than being a fundamentally dishonest person, where did he learn to do this? well, from the same place that

he learns everything-- the trump intelligence briefing, a.k.a., fox news. ( laughter ) it's interesting to see how fox's feeling about politicizing an attack depends on whether it furthers their narrative. and we don't have to look far. for instance, just a month ago, after vegas-- a mass shooting by a white guy-- fox's reaction was the polar opposite of how they're reacting after new york-- a terror attack by a muslim immigrant. >> in the midst of tragedy, the rush to politicize the worst shooting in american history is shameful. now, the left has no shame. >> what about people that are here that we never vetted? you can't even vet people that aren't here without being called racist and islamaphobic. >> i thought it was inappropriate yesterday for people in this early hours to be jumping up and raising this as an issue. you know, let's wait a few days, see what happens. as far as the vetting, i agree. we do have to have improved vetting, increased vetting. >> the bodies are still warm and people are exploiting this for their own partisan gain.

sadly, this event just reinforces all the efforts the president has made with regards to reforming immigration, the extreme vetting. >> it's just not the time to dive into the politics and try to score political points. >> this guy, who committed this crime-- assuming that he did commit this crime-- his entire family should be deported. >> trevor: clearly, for fox, you can politicize things, as long as it's not guns. it's as simple as that. i bet they couldn't even talk about guns in the game of "clue." "it was colonel mustard in the study with the-- you know what, it doesn't really matter. it doesn't matter what weapon he used. the point is people are dead, and lease move on. let's bring out the monopoly and let's move on." i don't think "politicize" needs to be a dirty word, unlike the words "chunky" or "moist." ( laughter ) i think tragedies like what happened in vegas and new york

city should be politicized. yeah, i said it. because politics is how society works to solve problems. you can still be sensitive to the victims, but you should be working to politicize it. i think we should have these conversations. but if we do have the conversations, can we at least find someone who doesn't sound like this: >> i am today starting the process of terminating the diversery lottery program. i'm going to ask congress to immediately initiate work to get rid of this program, diversery and diversity lottery. diversity lottery. sounds nice. it's not nice. it's not good. it's not good. it hasn't been good. we've been against it. >> trevor: you know what trump was thinking right as he saw that word? he probably looked down and was like, "uh-oh, long words. ( laughter ) my ultimate adverse-i-tary. my ultimate ad-verse-ar-- my

ultimate-- my bad guy." ( laughter ) you know, trump's english and reading is so bad, he would probably fail his own immigration test. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: and, by the way, the diversity visa lottery that donald trump has always been against-- and, obviously, just learned about today-- ( laughter ) --it wasn't some brown people charity scheme, right. it was passed in the 1990s with bipartisan support, and it was signed in by a republican president. in fact, it was an attempt to get more irish immigrants into america, because people forget that when they say "immigrants," it doesn't always mean brown. there are millions of white immigrants, including donald trump's (bleep) grandparents. i mean, if you ask me, america's success is tied to the fact that this is a nation of immigrants who work together towards an ideal. that's a strength. but that's it. if the president thinks the diversity visa program needs a second look, then i'm all for talking about it.

let's talk about it now. i'm saying, let's not be hypocrites. think about this-- new york happened yesterday, that incident happened yesterday-- and now trump is ready to cancel the entire diversity visa program? but the las vegas shooting happened a month ago, and congress still hasn't done anything to regulate bump stocks, the device the shooter used to turn his weapon into a machine gun. they've done nothing-- no banning, no registering, not even a law that if you buy a bump stock, the guy at the counter has to give you a dirty look. nothing! ( laughter ) so why don't we have the conversation about immigration and the conversation about guns at the same time? i think america is resilient enough to handle it. in fact, i know it is, because yesterday in new york, it didn't matter whether you were born here or immigrated here or lived here during the jurassic period. what mattered is everyone came together to do what new york does best-- dress crazy and party till dawn. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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or a little internet machine? it makes you wonder: shouldn't we get our phones and internet from the same company? that's why xfinity mobile comes with your internet. you get up to 5 lines of talk and text at no extra cost. so all you pay for is data. see how much you can save. choose by the gig or unlimited. xfinity mobile. a new kind of network designed to save you money. call, visit, or go to xfinitymobile.com. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is former secretary of state and first woman in u.s. history to be nominated for president by a major political party. she's also the author of "the new york times" bestselling book "what happened." please welcome hillary rodham clinton. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> glad to be here. >> trevor: so wonderful to have you. i know that you hurt your foot, and i got you a gift. we're going to play it right now. >> oh, good. >> what did hill-- what did president clinton-- or president clinton want to be? >> he campaigned so close, so much for president-- well, hillary clinton. >> what we should be focusing on are the continued lies of the clinton administration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: how does it make you feel knowing that in one world, you won? ( laughter ) >> i noticed this seems to be a theme with them. >> trevor: right. >> yes. and i can only say, if they want to make that world a reality, i'm still ready. ( laughter )

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: you know, there are a lot of people who wish you were president, especially on a day like today, especially on a day like yesterday. an attack happens in new york. people want a leader to come out and not just come out, but a leader who can embody what people are feeling and speak to their fears and their concerns, someone who can pronounce "diversity." ( laughter ) when you see donald trump speaking, and when you see his rhetoric in and around what happened, how does that make you feel? what do you think you would be doing differently? >> well, it's so disappointing, trevor, because, you know, i was a senator from new york on 9/11. i was with president obama through a lot of difficult decisions as his secretary of state. i, obviously, saw my husband responding to tragedies, attacks, the oklahoma city bombings.

and what you want in a president is what i think the three men i mentioned delivered, which is try to bring the country together, talk about what happened with the event that they are concerned about, but not to point fingers, not to scapegoat, not to try to set americans against each other. and, unfortunately, that is just not part of the job that our current president accepts or is willing to perform. you know, of course he can have his own point of view and push his policies. that goes with the job. >> trevor: right. >> but not to continue to divide americans against each other. so he just doesn't have any empathy. and you can disagree with somebody over all kinds of partisan issues, but you want to have a president who can try to put himself into the shoes, the feelings of somebody else. >> trevor: right. >> and he has not been able to do that.

>> trevor: it's interesting that you point out the divide because in america's politics right now, it feels like the latency between an event and the politicizing has been shortened, and i mean in terms of people fighting each other over the events. russia has latched on to this. >> yes, they have. >> trevor: one popular narrative that has emerged has beenlet clinton dossier, the document involving donald trump and pee, which has now come out as a document that the d.n.c. and your campaign worked to pay for. now, people say, "hillary, is there a difference between your team paying for this opposition research and donald trump's people working with the russians to influence the election?" is there a difference? >> of course, there is. and, you know, i think most serious people understand that. this was research started by a republican donor during the republican primary. and then when trump got the nomination for the republican party, the people doing it came

to my campaign lawyer and said, you know, "would you like us to continue it?" and he said, yes. he's an experienced lawyer. he knows what the law is. he knows what opposition research is. and, you know, from my perspective, it didn't come out before the election, as we all know. and what also didn't come out-- which i think is an even bigger problem as i write in the book-- is that the american people didn't even know that the f.b.i. was investigating the trump campaign because of connections with russia starting in the summer of 2016. >> trevor: right. >> so i know that voters should have had that information. that's something that may have influenced some people. and it's part of what happens in a campaign where you get information that may or may not be useful, and you try to make sure anything you put out in the public arena is accurate. >> trevor: right. >> and so this thing didn't come out until after the election, and it's still being evaluated.

but the fact of the f.b.i. investigation into the trump campaign and russia should have come out. >> trevor: i'm enjoying this conversation, so we're going have more of it. we'll be right back with more from hillary rodham clinton, right after this. ( cheers and applause ) work. school. i think it's time we mixed things up. ♪ oh yeah, in your face! and in conclusion, cats. four flavors, four shapes.

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at the end of their first year. only from discover. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we're here with hillary rodham clinton. does it feel frustrating sometimes, as somebody who has always been in the service of people in this country, seeing somebody like donald trump working to dismantle everything? at some point, to be honest, it feels spiteful. everything obama did, donald trump wants to do the opposite. like at some point i'm going he's just going to go, divorce michelle. he's going to do it himself. >> in my white house, that's right, exactly, as they like to say. look, i think there is a lot of spite involved. and i don't think it's just against president obama-- although, that is his primary target. he's going back and trying to undo or, frankly, ignore things

that were done by prior presidents. my biggest concern right now are two-fold-- health care, you know, the health care exchanges enrollment starts today. >> trevor: right. >> so people who need health care should go to health.gov, and sign up to get insurance, because they would like it to just be denied for people. so we can't let that. the other thing is the children's health insurance program, something i worked on in the 90s. it was bipartisan. nine million kids a year get their health care from it. they haven't reauthorized it. they don't seem to understand or care that all these kids or their families are really at risk. so i think that people who follow these issues have to be much more outspoken. >> trevor: right. >> and, yes, he's going to try to undo, i'm afraid, much of the 20th century at the rate we're going here, and we can't let that happen. >> trevor: this is something people want to fight and it's hard to deny, but there was a

big part of this that had to to do with misogyny. i'm not trying to say everyone who voted against you voted because you were a woman. it does feel like, since the election, there has been a backlash. and i'm referring, obviously, like, to the harvey weinstein scandal, and what's happened, people in congress even speak out now. do you see a positive shift in a direction we need to be going in? how do you see the landscape as it stands, as really someone who experienced i think 1,000-fold more than anyone. >> i am cautiously optimistic, because as i write in the book, sexism and misogyny are endemic in our society, glowft our politics. we've seen lots of stories out of silicon valley, out of the media. we know it is, unfortunately, pervasive. but what i'm excited about is we've had thousands and thousands of women, a lot of young women, say, "you know what is it i'm going right into the public arena. i'm going to run for office.

i see them. i support them with my organization "onward together," because the only way to get sexism out of politics is to get more women into politics and give them the chance to serve. ( applause ). >> trevor: looking at the democratic party now, looking at hillary clinton, one thing far too many people say-- and i have my own opinions on this-- is why won't you just go away? >> audience: no! >> audience: stay! >> trevor: this is what people say. i honestly have my own views, and i relate it to my mom and things people have said to her. but when you hear that, like i say, i have my idea on where it comes from. how do you feel and what does it make you want to do? >> write a book explaining what happened and come on your show and other places. you know, some of it is just rank sexism. let's just be honest about it. i never heard anybody say that to al gore or john kerry or john

mccain or mitt romney, all the men who lost election in addition the last 17, 18 years. some of it is just that. some of it, i will say, is media guilt. you know, when they now have to face the way they covered this campaign, and the fact that they didn't pay any attention to policies-- which, you know, i thought would be important and spent a lot of time saying, "okay, here's what we're going to do on an infrastructure plan, what we're going to do to improve the affordable care act, and everything i worked on." they were so totally entranced by the reality tv element of it, and the entertainment value of it, that i'm told-- and some members of the press have privately said to me-- look, they missed it. they missed it. they thought i was going to win so they could beat up on me without consequence, and they didn't really stand up against a the loof the ridiculous lies and accusings against me. so i think there's that. and, thirdly, i think there are people who are genuinely worried

that, you know, we've got to make room for new voices. that's why i'm supporting candidates and causes i believe in. and yet, a lot of these people who are primarily young people, just getting started, they've got tremendous energy. they're not going to get on your show. i am. and so i'm going to say, "we need to stand up for our fundamental values. we need to be promoting and electing people who care about the american public, who are not in it for self-enrichment, who are not in it to have a spite match with former president obama-- who did a great job and is now being, you know, mistreated by his suc successor" okay, i'm going to get that voice out there. i'm not going anywhere. i walked in the woods. that was enough. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: hillary clinton, everybody. oh, wow. ( cheers and applause )

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