>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! thank you, everybody! my guest tonight here to talk about her new book, "the last black unicorn," tiffany haddish is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) believe me when i say you do not want to miss this interview. please trust me on this, you do

not want to miss it. but first, i have to say, as my audience, i am a little disappointed in you guys, and you here sitting with me today because last night -- no, no, because last night, we talked about how, during president trump's jerusalem speech yesterday, he sounded like his dentures were falling out. >> thank you, god bless you, god bless israel, god bless the palestinians and god bless the united states. ( laughter ) >> trevor: no, no. that's not funny, okay? no. the president is very proud of how handsome he sand young he is and i said yesterday that he would hate to, if you made fun of his dentures. we said do not tweet denture donald. we specifically said do not tweet that, but instead, somehow denture donald ended up trending number three nationwide. ( cheers and applause ) no. no. it got so big that the white

house even had to address the issue this morning. >> online observers quickly an issue with dentures or health issue. one white house spokesperson dismissed this and said the president was parched. the white house echoed that telling the "los angeles times," the president's throat was dry. >> the president's throat was dry. nothing more. he has a physical scheduled the first part of next year. >> trevor: a physical? now i'm more worried. ( laughter ) i don't know what happened. i don't think it's healthful to debate whether it was trump's dentures coming loose or misaligned or other related issue, that's not the point. we may never know the tooth -- truth, sorry. ( laughter ) but the important thing is we have to give the man some dignity. so please stop tweeting denture donald. i beg you. please. okay. now that we've handled that,

let's move on to the big news of the day. since al franken announced he will resign after eight women accused him of sexual misconduct, and he said what many people were thinking. >> today i am announcing that, in the coming weeks, i will be resigning as a member of the united states senate. i of all people am aware that there is some irony in the fact that i am leaving while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the oval office, and a man who has repeatedly preyed on young girls campaigns for the senate with the full support of his party. >> trevor: yeah. regardless of how you feel about al franken, he does have a point. the democrats are draining their swamp, while republicans are

installing the jungle gym in roy moore's new office. ( laughter ) because if al franken was a republican, for better or worse, he would still have his job. he was just in the wrong party, that's all. like a dude who shows up at a wedding wearing a toga. wrong party. yeah. or the guy who brings cranium to an orangey, wrong party. ( laughter ) so with that settled, let's move on and do the opposite of an obama appointee by going into the supreme court. this week the justices have heard oral argument on a variety of cases and one of the most important involves cake. and i'm not going to lie. when i first heard this i thought, finally, the supreme court will crack down on the biggest fraud of all, red velvet cake, which is not a real thing, people. red velvet is not a real thing. it's just fake chocolate cake that has been died red. it's not a real thing. it's obvious. red velvet is not a flavor, it's a lifestyle. ( laughter ) you can't just add some color and say it's something else.

red velvet is basically like the rachel of cakes. that's not how it works. but as it turns out, this known as the masterpiece cake shop is more about dessert. >> when david and charlie wanted a cake too celebrate their #wedding they went to masterpiece case but the owner told them know because gay weddings were against his religious beliefs. >> we were to embarrassed and we felt rejected. >> he simply turned us away just because of who we are instead of what we asked for. >> trevor: yeah, dude, what the hell is wrong with this baker? this couple just wanted a cake. it's not like they asked him to lick it off them. ( laughter ) for me, this case is simple. if you sell wedding cakes and a gay couple wants one you sell them a cake. it's simple, done. i have to admit, the cakemaker and lawyers have an argument that is worth hearing. >> he says his cakes are works of art and that requiring him to bake them for same-sex weddings

would violate his freedom of speech. >> i serve everyone who comes in, gay, straight, catholic, muslim, atheists, i we canal everybody into my shop, i just don't create cakes for evelyn event presented to me. i respectfully refuse to make a cake for an event in direct conflict of my religious beliefs. >> trevor: his main point is no one can legally be forced to say something they don't believe in aka the first amendment. so the question the supreme court has to decide is can the úgoe art that celebrates something that you despise? i don't know how i feel about that. i won't lie. what if the court says yes? does that mean that the k.k.k. can offer to pay me to do a comedy gig for them and i have to do it because how much are they paying? ( laughter ) and do they use venmo? this is all i want to know.

( laughter ) my first joke, have you seen boys in the hood? all right, let's move on. ( laughter ) by the way, that raises another question. can a quake qualify as artistic expression? and the court is torn because justice sotomayor said the primary purpose of a food of any kind is to be eaten. yeah. did you hear that teenage boys watching this right now? the primary purpose of food is to be eaten. i see what you're doing with that donut, it is very wrong. you can't throw it like a frisbee. what are they doing? wait, what were you guys thinking? ( laughter ) the baker's argument is wedding cakes can be artistic expression because a wedding cake is less a food than a symbol of the union, right? justice gorsuch even said, i have yet to have a wedding cake that i would say tastes great. yeah. justice gorsuch is a conservative on the court and a bitch at a wedding. ( laughter )

yeah. gorsuch is coming for all you vendors. he's walking around, these table settings might as well be roe v. wade because they were a mistake! ( laughter ) the truth is a cake can be a symbol. a great example is president trump's inauguration cake. remember that cake? it wasn't a real cake. it was a styrofoam prop with one slice of actual cake they could cut. so you though that cake was arrestic expression because it definitely wasn't food. so is this cake case about the right to equal treatment or is it about freedom of expression? well, as it stands, the supreme court seems split with justice kennedy likely being the deciding vote. that's where it stands. i'm sitting here thinking to myself, why is this going to the supreme court? isn't we just get cake to the side? why did we elect him if we're not going to use him? i'm not on the supreme court but

that doesn't mean i can't help. there is a gay couple a baker didn't want to give a cake to. we at "the daily show" happen to have a cake no one seems to want. it's donald trump's actual inauguration cake. yeah. we still have the cake. ( cheers and applause ) we still have the actual cake that we were talking about. we've had it for almost a year now because no one wants it. just like his presidency, it has not aged well, as you can see. so david mullins and charlie craig of colorado, i know this not the cake you wanted but it's the best we can do and yes this cake is technically just icing and styrofoam, but the good news is, if you just add some red food coloring, you can call it red velvet cake. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ) in other news, republicans in washington are working on very important new ways to help people get shot. >> house republicans yesterday voting in favor of making concealed carry permits valid across state lines. >> police department's around the country including the nypd say this will undermine public safety by weakening the tough gun laws right here in our area. cuomo saying it puts all new yorkers at risk. >> trevor: okay, no, no, i'm sorry. like i understand some states want to have guns but you can't just let conceal carry owners across state lines packing heat. this is not the wild west. can't do that. think about it. if you're a policeman in new york, you're going to think anyone could be carrying a gun. also as new yorkers, we're going to think anybody can be carrying a gun, which would severely hamper our ability to be assholes, right? ( laughter ) in new york we talk trash to each other all the time. why? because you know the other person won't shoot you!

i'm walking over here, asshole! take at bagel and shove it up your ass! all right, mom, i'll see you after work! i love you! bye! that's new york! that's what we do! ( cheers and applause ) are you serious? you going to bring guns into new york and now people are going to be like, oh, i'm sorry, were you walking over here? at that point, it may as well be canada. what the hell, people?! ( laughter ) in other news, for the past few days, wiestledz have been burning around lamb l.a., and you've probably seen the images of giant blazes burning out of control. firemen struggling to contain the flames, and traffic brought to a standstill, which is regular for l.a., but that's not the point. as it stands, 200,000 residents have been evacuated, and we hope that i've run stays safe. in any tragedy, what gives me the most heart is seeing people being their best selves. >> overnight, this driver pulling over on a highway

putting himself at risk to rescue a rabbit from the flames. >> trevor: oh! that is the sweetest thing i've ever seen! if that guy's not using that as his tinder profile, he's not serious about life. ( laughter ) because i would swipe right on his bunny-loving ass so hard. i would be, like, get over here and let's make a gay wedding cake! let's do it! ( laughter ) ( applause ) in other news, here's my favorite story by far, black people are officially done playing. in atlanta, a tv news anchor got an email from a racist viewer, and tuesday night, on tuesday night, she replied live on air. and you're going to want to sit back and enjoy this. >> i want my name kathy ray e-mailed me, i'm going to put the email on the screen and i'll comment after it. "you need to be fired for the race baiting comment you made tonight. it's okay for blacks to discuss

certain subjects but not whites. really you're what a call a niger not a black person you are what's wrong with the world. you mischaracterized what i said. when arguing with somebody, you have to be careful not the mischaracterize their vice president, so i won't mischaracterize your view either, kathy ray. i get it, on december 5, 2017, you think it's okay to call this journalist a nigger, i don't. but i could clap back and say a few things to you. but instead, i'll let your words kathy ray speak for themselves, and that will be the last word. >> trevor: goddam!

whoo! the revolution will be televised! did yu see that head tilt? did you see that? you may not know what that means but when a black woman puts her hands together and starts leaning, your ass is about to get beat! ( laughter ) like, this is our winding up! whenever i see my mom doing that, i knew what was yo up. that's like a black woman's golf swing, she's going this way to come back ( laughter ) you can tell by the angle how bad your beating will be at the same time. at this point it's a slight fool, that's all you are. and when you go way over here, it's you gonna die. one time my mom's head spun 360 degrees, i couldn't walk for a week. i love this woman, she's my hero. sharon on cbs, i love you. this is the greatest cat fight you have ever seen! ( applause ) you know what? i hope she does all the news

like this now. just be like let's turn now to the weather. oh, there's a storm coming. you best believe that, there's a wind blowing. y'all be advised to stay inside tonight, look out for that black ice and i'll let that speak for itself! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back. one last show together. aw, you guys just sing other peoples songs. no. no. no. no. that's so cute. let's acca-finish this. ♪ my heart ♪ my ladies it's time to go to the next level. i say we show them that we are not a joke. i can't believe that a half decent idea came out of your dumb mouth. thank you. [ vocalizing ] oh! nobody's gonna die tonight, right? yeah. well, that doesn't help. [ grunts ] rated pg-13.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show"! my guest tonight is a comedienne, actor and now author of the new book, "the last black unicorn." please welcome tiffany haddish!

( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> i always like to enter with a dance move. >> trevor: i like that. you know what i like about you? i've always wondered what the sun would be like as a human being and i think i have finally met that answer. >> whoa, you better stop, i'm ovulating! ( laughter ) >> trevor: you walk into a room and i don't think you people understand how amazing -- like up close like this you are one of the most amazing human beings and then i read the book and i am in love with you, tiffany haddish. ( laughter ) your stories are amazing. you're funny, you're poignant and it's sad at the same time. start at the begin, you grew up as a foster kid. >> yeah. >> trevor: you lived this really tough life and constantly throughout it all used comedy as a tool. how important is comedy in your life? >> comedy is the instrument and the key to keep me being positive and alive.

i don't know about you guys but it feels so good to laugh and better to see other people laugh. my favorite thing in the world is to see some people's teeth. whoo! you got some pretty teeth! ( laughter ) i probably should have been a dentist but i don't like to see people hurt. i know when you laugh, it's massaging your organs and lighting you up and i think it's so dope. even if people are laughing at me -- even if i don't want you to laugh and you laugh i'm, like, at least they're laughing, i'm healing them. >> trevor: you also have a >> trevor: you've done everything. you have an audio book in this, don't you? >> yes, i do. it's good in traffic. it's amazing because you have the story where you talk about joining the church of

scientology or trying to join the church of scientology. >> i was homeless, i needed a place to live! >> trevor: yeah, but then you quit the church of scientology and they let you go. ( laughter ) but the way you tell the story, because they don't ever let anybody go. they let you go. >> whoo, because i don't do bunkbeds, y'all. >> trevor: you tell the story in the book, and they have these bunkbeds they want you to sleep in. >> yeah, and i don't do bunkbeds. i did bunkbeds when i was in foster care. i'm not doing bunkbeds as an adult. i would rather leap in my geo metro in the cold because bad things happen in bunkbeds, brother! ( laughter ) i'm telling you. so when they told me that's where i would sleep, i started protesting going up and down the halls saying i ain't sleeping in no (bleep) bunkbeds! i was loud and obnoxious. they was trying to get me on the meters, like, we need to get that negative memory away from you about the bunkbeds! i'm, like, i don't like bunkbeds, i don't care, you ain't gonna beat my ass in no bunkbeds. ( laughter ) and they let me go, saying, we can't handle this. >> trevor: oh, man! um. >> this girl is off the chart,

the meter is break, we can't do it. >> trevor: you have the ability to take a situation anybody would consider a failure and turn it into the greatest success. one of the greatest stories is you talk about a guy you were dating and he was cheating on you with a stripper named bertha, right? >> yeah. >> trevor: what you did -- ( laughter ) no, what you did to get back is one of the greatest things ever. can you tell the people what you did? >> i boo-booed in his shoes. ( laughter ) because he was putting me through a lot of dooky, so i decided he needed to walk in it. ( laughter ) i would never do that now, just know that, trevor, i would never do that now. >> trevor: i would don't that to you. >> that's right, baby. >> trevor: i wouldn't do that to you. >> also i took his bitch and i started pimping her. basically i had her -- because she was doing little flicks, pornos or whatever, and he was taking all her money. i was, like, look, i'll hook you up and i'll just take 10%.

>> trevor: some people now do not understand the craziness of this story. listen to what this person just said. >> translate. >> trevor: her man was cheating with a woman named bertha who is a stripper. bertha on the side was making porn films and wasn't getting paid for them. so tiffany steps in and goes bertha, you are cheating with my man but i realize you are being exploited, so i will step in and i will be your agent. ( laughter ) and i will pimp you out so that you get your money. and now you are pimping the woman who is cheating with your man. like, how do you think of this as an idea? and bertha gos and rolls with you and you make her money, so much money her friends joined in as well. >> yeah, yeah. yeah. ( applause ) >> there's no interview that's enough for this book. the "the last black unicorn" is available. if this is not number one, you guys don't know good books. tiffany haddish, everybody! ( cheers and applause )

of course 7up is delicious alone. but, ladies, did you know you can make lots of stuff with 7up? i didn't. hmm. try adding it to lemon cake for an extra kick on pinochle night. what else can you do with 7up? well, you could mix 7up with whiskey and drink it at this underground fight club. esther? you know esther? we thought you were dead. we went to your funeral. well, turns out i'm alive. in summery, you can do a lot with 7up and your dead friend's a cage fighter. 7up. mix it up a little.

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(music) rated mature. playstation. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. make sure to go online and watch the full interview with tiffany haddish. it is really worth it. stay tuned for "the opposition" with jordan klepper. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> roy moore said he don't remember them girls, but he also said, i might remember them girls. on december 12, vote for a roy that stands for integrity, a roy that gets love from the black

community. write in the other roy for u.s. senate. also i'm at the gaston mall. paid for by people allowed to go to the gaston mall. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central (applause). >> jordan: welcome to the opposition. my guest tobt is astronaut and author scott kelly. i assume he's here to beg forgiveness for abandoning earth. (laughter) but let's get moving. you hear that? a christmas bell. and like tha