- wait, according to that scale, i still have a small wiener! - ♪ america is back - i'm still [bleep] angry! - ♪ back and we're back and we're back ♪ ♪ we're so back, we're so back ♪ ♪ back back back back back ♪ captioning sponsored by >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (cheers and applause). >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody. welcome to the daily show. thank you for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. my guest tobt, my guest tonight, president obama's official white house photographer here with a new book pete souza is joining us, everybody. but first, but first, you probably know by now this morning in new york some isis

wannabee tried to blow himself up and fortunately it did not go well for him. >> he wasn't an accomplished bomb maker because he was the only one who sustained serious injuries. >> all of the victims saying they had ringing in their ears, they had headaches but again, they are in stable condition. >> the injuries were so minor that they actually went out and took a taxi themselves to the hospital to get checked out. >> people are handling this as new yorkers often handling this, not looking particularly panicked, looking more annoyed and aggrieved. >> trevor: can i tell you i love living in new york, yeah, because in new york city it's even hard to make it as a terrorist. yeah. yeah. you might be the best terrorist in your little ass town but this is new york beotch. you know, the ree irony here is this this guy had killed 4eu78 self an went to hell, he would still be at the port authority bus terminal thasm is where he

would end up. so not only no one was seriously hurt, this was maybe the fifth worst thing someone disn o the subway today. subway masturbatedders are like i will show you guys a real explosion. and then isis comes out, oh, we cleaned on the f tray but we done know the bomb gierks he is a failure. but still, still, there wasn't an attempted terrorist attack in new york. for more on this please welcome hasan minhaj, everybody. (applause) hasan, hasan, as a muslim. >> let me stop you right there trevor, i know where this is going, okay, have i already condemned the whole thing, all right. consider it condemned, went to twitter, copy, paste, control c, control v, condemned, all right. it's not just terrorism, i condemn everything bad, okay. i condemn world hunger. i condemn jordan peele gold an globe snub, i condemn wearing

sweat pants to work and i condemn using the eggplant emoji as a penis. i condemn all fad things. but seriously you guys, in times like this, it's important to recognize that these acts do not reflect the values of billions of people. >> trevor: sure, whatever, hasan minhaj, everybody. let's move on, let's move on. thank you so much. that's what we need. that's what we need, to condemn. lets' move on now and talk about donald trump. who i disobt know if you heard, is america's president. right? i say that because he dnt seem to know that. this weekend he held another can pain rally to audition for the job he already has. and i don't know if i would vote for him as president, but if this was last comic standing, he would definitely make top five. >> they call themselves the resistance. do you ever see these signs,

resist, resist. (applause) (laughter). >> trevor: donald j. trump does not give a [bleep]. will make fun of anyone who is against him. like when mule certificate leading him to jail, he will probably still be like oh, look at you with your handcuffs work your handcuffs. i have the right to remain silent, hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. now if you happen to be one of trump's haters, first suck it and second maybe because you know facts and logic you have missed how awesome the last ten months have been. >> the ten months have i done more on knocking out regulations than any other president in our history. you know who was right up there, honest abb lincoln, you can believe it? he was a regulation cutter. can you believe it? (applause)

abe lincoln was the regulation kiter who would have known that? i said you mean i beat abraham lincoln, that's pretty good for ten months. >> trevor: okay, that's just a weird thing to brag about. of all the things lincoln is known for deregulation is probably not even on the list. it's the beard, abolishing slavery and then the hat. but deregulation, like bragging about being better than lincoln at deregulation say it is like say rug better than serena williams at microsoft e cell, it doesn't make sense, who cares. and just like deregulating aid, donald truch is apparently also beloved by those of the danke shane. >> i love these guise, look at these guise, blacks for trump, i love you. i love you. any hispanics here? any hispanics? any hispanics? you guys were great. >> trevor: you know what i love, you know what i love is when trump calls hispanics, they

don't know whether to respond. any his tannics-- because even if you support him you weren't sure which which way it is being any his painings here, and some of them are like, is this going to be a good thing? any hispanics s this a trap, should we say we are here. any hispanics here, yay, i love you guys, whooo. get out of my country. but donald trump didn't take this break from consuming tv and 12 diet cokes a day just to make jokes. he held this rally to support the alabama snant candidate, and america's oldest prom king, roy moore. >> and we want jobs, jobs, jobs. so get out and vote for roy moore. do it, do it. this guy is scream weg want roy moore. he's right. >> trevor: yeah, yeah, but what trump didn't say is that guy screaming is a high school hall monitor, that is what he

is. is he like roy moore is our most wanted, get him! now of course there are still people asking, how could president trump support the man credibly accused of sexual misconduct by so many women. well, it's simple, people. birds of a feather molest together. a group of women accusing president trump of sexual misconduct are banding together and calling for an investigation. three of them just wrapped up a news conference here in new york city demanding he be held accountable. >> i asked that congress put aside their party affiliations and investigate mr. trump's history of sexual misconduct. >> trevor: yeah, don't forget, 18 women have accused 2ru6r7 of sexually harassing them. and in the last year, he went and became president and they have gotten everything from abuse online to death threats which seems fair to some. but in the wake of the metoo movement, these women have regrouped and they're telling their stories again. >> he shook my hand, you know and gave me the normal double

cheek kiss. but then he held on to my hand and he kept kissing me. and then he kissed me on the lips. and i was shocked, yeah. i mean, devastated. >> they served a meal and after the meal was cleared, all of a sudden he is all over me, kissing and groping. when his hand started going up my skirt, i'm not a small person. i managed to wiggle out. >> trevor: that last story is particularly harrowing. not only does she say that trump secretaries ultly assaultedded her, but she also had to sit on that plane and watch him eat. that is a double trauma, people. and now with these allegations coming up again, the white house has responded saying three things. that they support women, that not even the president is above the law, and sexual harassment should be universally condemned. and also they said none of those

three things. >> the president addressed the comment back during the campaign. we feel strong leigh that the people of this country alsod reed that when they elected donald trump to be president. and i have addressed it several times from here and don't have anything new to ad. >> trevor: in south africa we have a wrd for what sarah hublg a bee sanders did we say foots to it. which means you brought it as is, she basically foots to it the president of the united states. she is like if you didn't want a handsy president you shund have paid full price t is yours now, you have to keep it but here is the problem. here is the problem. winning an election doesn't determine a person's innocence or guilt, that is what law enforcement is for. you can't murder someone and then run for class president. all right. and be like well, the people have spoang. i guess that whole murder thing is done, yeah, pizza friday, everybody? yeah, yeah. it doesn't work like that. and at this point, there is only one question i have. do republicans actually care

about sexual assault? i mean as a problem, not an opportunity. because this is has all happened before. just before doned a trump's election the pussy tape came out. these women spoke out and still republicans voted him into office. but they argued oh no, no, no, we aren't condoning sexual assault, we just hate the pants lady. but on tuesday in alabama they look to make the same decision againment which means roy moore would enter the senate, and the only people who could hold him accountable for his aks will be the republican leadership. and i think we all know how that will turn out. will turn out. we'll be right back. they came out of nowhere, sir! will turn out. we'll be right back. how many of 'em? we don't know. dozens. all right! let's teach these freaks some manners!

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stz welcome back to "the daily show." the future, is coming fast and it's here now. just like ronnie cheung in another installment of today's future now. >> thanks, trevor. take it from this shop lifter wanted in five countries, police all over the world have a hard shop. so to stay ahead of the criminals they are using the latest technology, starting with this idea from dubai.

>> dubai has, they put out a prototype for what might be policing of the future. teak a look at this, it is called the scorpion hover bike. >> whoa. >> it is meant for the dubai police force. it can go as high as 16 feet, well above traffic. and it go pretty fast, 43 miles an hour and with a proper charge can last about 25 minutes. >> wow. your sky lawn mow ker go 40 miles an hour for 25 whole minutes. oh, no one is going to scare the long arm of the law now. can i see the police already being like sorry, chief, we would have caught him but he just kept driving. i mean, what are you supposed to do. also i love the unguarded spinning blade feature. i don't know if it solves crime but it definitely solves the problem of bistanders solving heads china is doing one better

by fighting crime before it even happens. >> china is using ai to predict who will commit crimes next. they have connected the computer networks for like 50 different police departments in 50 different chinese cities. and they are now tracking citizens actions, records, data, and it's all about predicting based on what you have already done whether you are going to be the next criminal or not. >> yeah, that's what communist china needs, more excuses to arrest people. i mean this country already overreacts to crime. and look how they freaked out over that one jay walker also how do you know if the this even works, it's made in china. one time i bought a fidget spinner made in china and it blew up in my hand. but at least china and dubai are looking to the future. meanwhile in america, police? georgia have their own version

of the future and it's this. >> they announced ano as the newest member of the force, a robot dog is going to help the department connect with children in a friendly, fun way. he opens arno will help build trust between young people and the police. >> what the hell was that? the police got a robot that couldn't even get hired at chuck e cheese. so okay, so dubai has a hover bike, china has minority report and america is like what if a teddy bear could-- that will solve crime. also you don't need a robot dog toim press kids, get a real dog. if a kid sees a labrador he loses his goddam mind. plus they are taking jobs away from real dogs, okay. thousand they're going to be out on the streets dealing drugs, selling the doingie bodies and now you have more crime than you started with. but at least some parts of

america aren't totally behind. >> the lapd is closer to getting its hands on drones. cbs is plif at police headquarters with the story. >> well w a little friend of ours, the drone right next to me, i'm standing at la police headquarters where right are you they took step one in making drones part of the arsenal. >> that's right, the lapd is et going drones and because it's la you know those drones are just going to get stuck in traffic. >> all right. listen, i don't want a police drone following me, all right. i already got alexa and siri snitching on me f one of those drones came anywhere near me i would intat its metal ass out of the sky so fast you wouldn't-- oh, trevor, i was just jokingk i love drones, some of my best friends are drones. >> trevor: ronnie cheung, everybody, we'll be right back.

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at sofi.com/save >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. my guest tonight served as the official chief white house photographer for president obama and as the author of "the new york times" best selling book o ak an intimate portrait. please welcome pete souza. welcome to the show. >> thanks for having me. >> trevor: it's a beautiful book, i guess that happens whenever a president sowt of office, people put the pictures together. but you have a special relationship with many people, specifically on twitter.

>> people know you not just as pete souza the man who took pictures of o bma but pete souza the professional troll of donald trump. is this-- is this a badge you wear with pride? >> oh yeah, absolutely. and it's on instagram more than it is on twitter. >> trevor: right, you are the person, for those that don't know every single time donald trump says something about obama that is nine times out of ten a lie, it would be like obama never visited the troops and you have a picture of obama hanging out with the troops. do you have a picture for every single thing donald trump has lied about with barack obama. >> pretty much. >> trevor: how much joy do you get when do you it. >> i get a lot of joy, actually. >> like do you gigel, i picture you sitting at home gik elling working on your last cup. >> my wife said she didn't know i was that funny and i said you just haven't been paying attention. >> trevor: but it's an

interesting job that you have. one that i have always been fascinated by because you have access to the president, in a unique way. you are in rooms that require the highest level of security clearance, you are priffee to conversations that many people are not, like is there like a clearance that you have to go through as a photograph sner. >> sure, i mean i have a top secret cleerns just like any of the other senate security people. so i would be able to be am those meetings. >> wow, so you are like in top, top, top secret meetings. >> yeah. >> trevor: did you ever like hear something and were you like oh [bleep]. >> all the time. >> trevor: because i mean you are not working in that job but you are privy to all of the information and you really did a good job of being in the background, sometimes like in a way that no one would expect. principle some of the pictures we're going to show from the book, really beautiful images like there is this one. st really intimate moment, barack and mish knell the freight elevator and what is interesting is all the secret service guys look like they're

trying to give them their privacy, and then are you there like click, click, click to click, click, click, click. you captured some of the most iconic moments. there is this image that like will live in people's memories forever 6789 tell me the story of this picture. >> this is jacob, philadelphia. and he had come into the oval office to have his picture taken with his family and the president. and wanted to ask the president a question and you can imagine, being four years old, and the oval office, asks the president of the united states a question, it was more of a whisper. like my friends tell me that my haircut is just likes yours. and that swhen the president bent over and jacob touched his head. and i think here say four year old kid touching the head of a president of the united states thatk loos lake him. >> trevor: right. >> and i this that i is one reason why this picture really resonated. >> trevor: you also have a picture that went all over the world. this po werful image of the situation room, what was going on when this image was taken?

>> so this is during the bin laden raid, this is actually in the raid. everybody is jammed into this one little conference room. within the situation room, and they're monitoring the raid as it is happening in realtime. >> trevor: how do you not look at the screen? that's what shall it-- i'm impressed by how professional you are. because this is bin laden, osama bin laden, there say raid happening on his house and you are taking the picture and on a screen behind su one of the most historic moments in american history. is there not even the temptation to look? >> well, how do you know i disn look? your images have been used extensively on twitter, specifically with these two characters in mind. i would argue you are like the number one supplier of the joe biden o bma meme. was this relationship as fun as it seems? >> it was fun and it was, and i think it grew in strength.

i mean they were really a team. and you know, joe bied enwent through some very difficult times during his tenure at the white house with his son and everything like that. >> trevor: yeah. >> and i think he became closer to president obama through that, through those times. >> trevor: why does it look like in all your pictures o bma is scolding joe biden for like a prank that he was planning to, like it looks like in the first picture is he like oh man, we should like tell trump that the white house moved. and then look, in the second picture, look, when we do it tell him the white house moved somewhere else and he can't fine it and obama is like look, we can't do t but it's really funny. was he scolding him ever or was it just how it looked in the pictures. >> i think this is a case where you have cur rated the photos to show more than me. >> trevor: you know what i am just going to believe the story that i'm going to believe. because that's the way i like it thank you so much for being on the show, man. (applause) pete souza.

obama, an intimate portrait is available now. pete souza, everybody. pete souza, everybody. we'll be right back. directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction pete souza, everybody. we'll be right back. over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like wet grocery bags. getting a bad haircut. overcrowded trains. turnstiles that don't turn. and spilling coffee on themselves. but for everyone else, there's directv. for #1 rated customer satisfaction over cable, switch to directv. and for a limited time get a $100 reward card. call 1-800-directv heineken has been they know about tradition.3. my favorite tradition? you shouldn't have... exchanging gifts. i actually brought these myself. ♪ there's more behind the star.

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up next. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> let me ask you a personal question this morning. >> would you. >> how many of you have gone potty this morning? >> huh? >> potty, you have gone potty this morning. >> what does that mean? >> jordan: this morning there was a terror attack at u.s. port authority bus terminal. thankfully there were no major injuries. new york is strong. clearly this man has never been to the port authority. it's already a lawless dungeon. tougher then isis will ever be. i have had knife fights with no tpaougter then three port authority pigeons. i once left the port authority with a full sleeve tattoo and that place does not have a tattoo shop. today a terrorist lost to the