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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  December 19, 2017 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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and, finally, black friday isn't just a greedy american concept. people all over the globe are getting ready for the big sale. this is the blackest friday ever. even though no one will see it under their burkas, bitches still love a bargain. you should've seen the line to get in the store. they were camping out for weeks. and beautiful tents, so many colors. what rich tapestries! now that they can drive, they've gone wild with power. do they not have amazon prime? maybe we are that different after all. okay, remember, you're never gonna lose any of that holiday weight. see you next year. male announcer: december 19th, 2017. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york,
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"the daily show with trevor noah" presents... [elegant music] ♪ - breaking overnight, president trump fires the acting attorney general. - acting attorney general sally yates sending a dramatic letter to department lawyers saying she was not sure president trump's order was, quote, "lawful." - yes! he did it. he did it. the first "you're fired" of the trump administration. finally! thank you, jesus! no, let's be honest. that's the only part of trump's presidency we were looking forward to. that's the only part, and the only part he was qualified to do. that's it. that's it. that's it. i bet he walked into yates's office and did it like that photoshoot. remember that photoshoot? - in the center! in the center! in the center! - are you ready? - yeah. we're ready. - all right! [somber music] ♪
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- we're back now with our breaking news, and this is big breaking news. michael flynn has resigned. - remember after obama put sanctions on russia for election meddling? all right? to help trump win? you remember that? well, after that, flynn called the russian ambassador and told them not to sanction the u.s. back, because trump was gonna cancel america's sanctions after he took office. i mean, it even sounds illegal. you don't even need to know the law. just be like, "you called the russians and--yeah, "that sounds illegal. i don't even know the law. sounds illegal." flynn is out, and everyone should be happy about it, because there were a lot of signs that he was not the right person to be the national security advisor. i mean, just in this story alone, two things: one, he didn't know that the u.s. government routinely taps calls to the russians, which is stupid. that's the plot of every spy movie: america taps russia's calls. everyone should know that. and secondly, in his letter of resignation, he said he didn't lie to mike pence; he said that he just couldn't tell pence the full story because of, quote, "the fast pace of events."
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yeah. that's not a valid excuse. like, that just sounds like you're trying to tell someone a story and you're both on opposite trains, and that's why you couldn't tell them the story. "hey, pence, i was talking to the russia--" "i tried. i tried. i tried." what i love about this administration is that they've already given us all the answers on how to deal with their misconduct, because this was flynn at last summer's rnc. - we do not need a reckless president who believes she is above the law. [cheers and applause] all: lock her up! lock her up! lock her up! - lock her up. that's right. if i did 1/10--1/10 of what she did, i would be in jail today. - amen, brother! preach, pastor flynn! preach! so powerful in your principles.
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1/10! [militaristic music] ♪ trump fired james comey, the man who happened to be leading the investigation into whether trump's campaign had colluded with russia to win last year's election--the man who, as director of the fbi, is supposed to be politically independent-- almost untouchable. people, i'm not gonna sugarcoat this. this is bad for democracy. - president trump's firing of fbi director james comey sending shockwaves through washington. - looks like a banana republic, america, not a democracy. - you'd think this would happen in a third world country. the idea that this happened in the united states is stunning. - this is the kind of thing that goes on in... - africa! just say it! say it! you don't need to be a genius to figure out why trump really canned comey. it rhymes with "russia." - mounting evidence suggests that comey was fired because of the president's irritation with the fbi's russia investigation.
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- the "new york times" now reporting comey had asked for more resources for the investigation into russia just days before he was fired. - cnn sources say comey's firing comes as subpoenas went out for associates of michael flynn. - that's right. michael flynn again. who would have thought this guy would turn out to be trump's most costly divorce? who would have thought? so comey wasn't just any old bureaucrat who trump fired; trump fired comey just as comey was starting to actively investigate trump's people, which you've got to admit makes trump look hella suspicious, right? that's like breaking up with your girlfriend right after she asks you if she can look at your phone. and here's what makes this particularly scary: in america, you specifically have checks and balances for this reason, so if a president makes a dubious decision like this, you could trust congress to step in and do something about it.
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"trump, we don't know if you've done the right thing. "we're gonna call in witnesses, hire a special prosecutor, etc., etc." that's what happened in watergate. but this congress has shown they have no intention of holding the president accountable. - it's obviously within the president's authority and role to do this. i think he made an important command decision. - i think the firing of comey couldn't have come soon enough. - they're talking about, "the firing was nixonian. it has echoes of watergate." for the people who are writing those headlines, what's your message to them? - my message is, suck it up and move on. - oh. yeah. and the people at fox news were like, "huh. that's our slogan. oh! oh!" here's the thing. here's the thing. democracies don't go away in a flash, right? people need to get that into their minds. you don't just wake up one morning and tanks are rolling through the streets. that's not how it works. it's a slow burn with many steps along the way, and this is a big step.
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without congress to rely on, comey was the one person we trusted to be unbiased. whether you liked or hated his decisions, it didn't feel like he was on anyone's side, but now he's out, and with him, so was the people's hopes of holding trump accountable. comey basically packed the hopes up in his box, along with his work toothbrush. a lot of people are distraught by this decision. the other people are russians. - russia's foreign minister is sitting down with the u.s. secretary of state right now. here's what sergey lavrov had to say when reporters asked him about comey's firing. - yes. he was fired. - "you're kidding." "no, really. you're kidding. "who could have predicted such a crazy thing "that we ordered your president to do. ha ha! you're kidding. you're kidding!"
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blue moon is a well-crafted belgian style wheat beer brewed with valencia orange peel for a refreshing taste that shines brighter. blue moon. mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as snow. but after an electrical fire from faulty wiring, mary's vintage clothing and designer shoe collection were ruined. luckily, the geico insurance agency had recently helped mary with renters insurance, and she got a totally fab replacement wardrobe at bloomingdale's. mary was inspired to start her own fashion line, exclusively for little lambs. visit geico.com and see how affordable renters insurance can be. this pitchmas, let's acca-finish this. [ all cheering ] hell yeah. the bellas, we show them that we are not a joke. end on a high note. [ vocalizing ] what a beautiful group. everyone of them going nowhere. rated pg-13.
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- sean spicer's resignation as white house press secretary came as a surprise. and so, my friends, it's time for us to bid farewell to the spice-man. now, obviously, any proper tributes should capture the essence of the departed loved one, and we thought it was something like this. [tender music] - guys, good morn-- good afternoon. good eve--good afternoon. this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period. you're shaking your head. i appreciate it, but--with respect to, um... uh, over... hold on one second. you don't get to just yell out questions. we're gonna raise our hand like big boys and girls. demma-dem-denmark. desig--education point-- [indistinct] points. assad al-ashar--assad al-shar-- ashad--ashad al-asar-- bashar al-assad, uh... - bashar al-assad. i know you've mispronounced his name a few times.
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- hitler, who didn't even sink to using chemical weapons. as monie of you know. okay, jonathan, somebody's asking a question. it's not your press briefing. major, i-- - [inaudible]. - you want to come on up? - i'm just asking. - i mean, i'll be glad-- we can just-- and with that, i'm glad to take some questions. steve holland. - steve holland's not here. - with that, david jackson. - david is not here. - eamon javers. i will let the tweet speak for itself. yeah, i'm gonna let the tweet speak for itself. his tweets speak for themselves. his tweets do speak for themselves. i don't--i mean, that's the silliest thing i've ever heard. okay. this is silly. okay. next. stop shaking your head again. - sean! sean! sean! come on, sean. sean. sean... - sean, come here. - what about the putin call? - sean spicer. - sean. - where did sean go? - he walked away. he just... [indistinct chatter] - good-bye, spice. now, with any new administration,
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it is normal for there to be a lot of turnover, but the question raised by some of donald trump's firings is whether they are normal, or whether he's illegally trying to protect his own interests, because in addition to famously firing the head of the fbi, he also fired u.s. attorney and indian al gore preet bharara under allegedly similar circumstances. - using my brown illuminati connections, i landed an interview with trump's most famous indian-american fire-ee, former u.s. attorney preet bharara. i keep acting like i know what obstruction of justice is. i have no idea what that means. - fundamentally, if someone with corrupt intent tries to influence or impede an official proceeding, like an investigation, that's unlawful. - and sure, trump called bharara three times and invited him to swing by his golden penis rectangle, but obstruction of justice hinges on trump's intent and whether bharara's office had an open investigation into trump's affairs. - i'm not saying there was one or not,
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but it would theoretically fall to my office. - between his election and your firing, how many times did you personally speak with donald trump? - three times. - out of the 93 u.s. attorneys, how many besides you personally spoke with donald trump? - i'm not aware of any. - which means one thing. donald trump is in love with you. - that would explain a lot. - this is a very important issue, and we cannot rush to any conclusions. is this a witch hunt or certain impeachment? - yeah, so i don't think it's either one of those things. bob mueller is the special counsel, and maybe it will amount to something very significant, and maybe it will amount to nothing, and whether you're a hater or a lover of donald trump, you should be comfortable with what the conclusion is. - come on. just tell me how the season ends. - can't do it. - 'cause i'm--we're, like, 200 days in, and i just can't handle it anymore, man. - look, justice can't be binge-watched. - that's great. i love--give that to camera right there.
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hit it. - america, justice can't be binge-watched. - president trump announced by twitter late today he is replacing chief of staff reince priebus with homeland security secretary general john kelly. - kelly's in, previous chief of staff reince priebus is out. the question is, though, why did he get the ax? - the final straw for president trump with priebus was the fact that that healthcare vote went down in defeat last week. this is a big priority for the president. reince priebus's selling point was he said he was the person to get healthcare over the finish line, to overhaul obamacare, that he had all of these relationships on capitol hill, and of course, it didn't get done. - really? healthcare failed because of reince? like, why do they keep bringing in new people as if we don't all know what the real problem is? it's like donald trump is a tornado and the white house keeps hiring new maids. "why isn't this place ever clean?
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"it's so dirty, what's happening? i'm just gonna neaten up. i'm just gonna neaten up." like, what was even worse was how poor reince got the news. - ashley parker, a "washington post" reporter, tweeted, "when air force one touched down friday afternoon at andrews air force base, priebus, senior policy adviser stephen miller, and social media director dan scavino all loaded into a suburban, but moments later, miller and scavino hopped out of that vehicle, and as word trickled out about the chief of staff's ouster, reporters inched close to snap photos of priebus, who sat alone on the rain-soaked tarmac. - aw, shame. poor reince. what's really sad about this is that none of these imaginary scenarios we can come up with for reince are as humiliating as the ones that trump came up with for him in real life. - his final departure was a humiliating coda for what had been a largely demeaning tenure during which priebus endured regular belittling
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and emasculation from rival advisers and even, at times, the president himself. the "post" story recounts one vignette when the president asked priebus to kill a fly that was bothering trump in the oval office. - president trump, that's just wrong. you don't call reince priebus in to kill a fly; you call melania. she's an expert in swatting pests. so this is the all-new chevy equinox. it's gorgeous. it offers rear seat reminder, built-in 4g lte wifi... apple car play compatibility... wow... ...and teen driver technology. that's crazy... now to get all of these features, you'd need all six of those crossovers. that's insane! yep, and you still wouldn't get everything that's in this equinox. wowww... six cars in one. use your employee discount for everyone to get forty -five hundred dollars below msrp on this 2018 chevy equinox. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
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♪ on my way to something more ♪ you're that one i can't ignore ♪ ♪ i'm gonna miss you ♪ i'm still there ♪ sometimes i wish we never built this palace ♪ ♪ but real love is never a waste of time ♪
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[elegant music] ♪ - president trump's chief strategist appears on the cover of this week's "time" magazine
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accompanied by the title "the great manipulator." - everyone is trying to figure out whether bannon or trump is in charge. - look at this "time" magazine cover. again, it's just-- it's astounding that this soon into a new administration-- i don't know. i mean, maybe bannon's calling all the shots. - now, if that wasn't true, then a certain cable news fan wouldn't have felt the need, less than an hour later, to tweet, "i call my own shots, "largely based on an accumulation of data, and everyone knows it." "largely based on an accumulation of data"? come on, man. trump and data have less of a relationship than trump and tiffany. come on. what are you, like--come on. come on. it's been almost a month since president trump fired steve bannon, his chief strategist and human sloppy joe. now, during his time with trump,
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bannon operated from the shadows, but last night, he braved the lights of "60 minutes" to give his first major tv interview, and everyone immediately said, "okay. this mother[bleep] should have stayed in the shadows." - the republican establishment is trying to nullify the 2016 election. that's a brutal fact. they need illegal aliens to fill the churches. where does this end? does it end in taking down the washington monument? i don't need affirmation of the mainstream media. i don't care what they say. i don't care what they say. they can call me an anti-semite. they can call me racist. they can call me nativist. call me anything you want, okay? - wow. it's like donald trump took a dump while he was tweeting and then wished for that dump to be a real boy. "i will name it steve." now, last night's bannon interview wasn't particularly eye-opening. i mean, mostly he just willingly confirmed that he is who we thought he was--a radical nationalist who believes that donald trump will be instrumental in tearing down the establishment.
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now, if there's one issue bannon is known for as well, it's his opposition to immigration, and on that front, he did not budge an inch. - people have been able to come here, find a place, contribute to the economy. that's what immigration has been in america. - you couldn't be more dead wrong. america was built on her citizens. - we're all immigrants. - america was built on her-- - except the native americans who were here. - don't give me--this is the thing that the leftist says. charlie, that's beneath you. america's built on our citizens. look at the 19th century. the control of our borders. economic nationalism is what this country was built on. - in the recipe of "how to make america," i feel like steve bannon left out a crucial ingredient. he's just like, "economic nationalism, closed borders. that's what this country was" if he was making a cake, he would have been like, "why is the cake not--oh, oh, yeah. slavery. of course. that's what was missing. there you go. that's how you--i forgot the slaves. i don't even know why he's fighting about this. like, we all know america is a nation of immigrants,
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but you know what? just for fun, we called a professional genealogist who found out that steve bannon's great-great-grandfather, lawrence bannon, arrived in the u.s. from ireland by the 1850s, right? at a time when america's borders were so open that irishmen could just walk into the country with no passports, no visas, no background checks of any kind. so in many ways, steve bannon's great-grandfather was a dreamer. yeah. and his great-grandson is a [bleep] nightmare. anyway, anyway, bannon-- [cheers and applause] bannon... bannon held his own in last night's interview, but there were times where you could tell that charlie rose was getting under his skin. just look at his face when he's asked questions that he doesn't like. - you know that this white house leaks like nobody's ever seen a white house leak, and that's where the reporters are getting the story, and they're getting a story about conflict between you and h. r. mcmaster. they're getting stories about conflict between you and jared kushner.
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- what the hell is that? like, just, like, what is that? i almost felt like if this interview had gone on any longer, i would have been seriously worried for the safety of charlie rose. - and that's where the reporters are getting the story, and they're getting a story about conflict between you and h. r. mcmaster. they're getting all these stories... - [screams] - we'll be right back. derefreshing. pepsi. ah.
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my wish was a clubhouse, but we call it "the wish house." people visit national parks from all over the world. food tastes better when you don't have to cook it. he was just supposed to be my dog. i don't know why. (vo) we're proud that, on behalf of our owners, the subaru share the love event will have donated over one hundred fifteen million dollars in just ten years. get 0% financing for 63 months on select models. plus we'll donate $250 to charity. derefreshing. pepsi. ahh what(train whistle blowing)or? hey, thomas. i want a rabbit! that's not how you get a rabbit. if you want a rabbit, you ask for a pony and then let them work you back down. mm-hmm. you're up! what if aunt joy wants the new iphone? you make this your final offer: ask for it on verizon.
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derefreshing. pepsi. ah. [elegant music] - so, scaramucci joined the white house on friday, and he's already established what i hope will be his signature move: the mooch smooch. - and so i'll meet with him, but i don't want to waste his time and sit in the oval office unnecessarily. thank you. - thank you. - thank you. [laughter] - damn. damn. - anthony scaramucci has blown his own lid in an interview with ryan lizza filled with expletives that is unbelievable. - bombshell conversation in which the white house communications director launches a profane attack. - he attacks, in very vulgar terms, reince priebus and steve bannon. - you're damn right it's vulgar. scaramucci just came in and set fire to reince priebus and steve bannon.
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he burned them like a hover board, people. now, we can't go through all of the interview, because it will break our bleep machine, but here's one thing white house communications director scaramucci said about white house chief of staff, aka scaramucci's boss, reince priebus. he said, "reince is a [bleep] paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac." but here's my favorite part. here's my favorite part. when the interviewer asks scaramucci about whether he likes media attention, he says, quote, "i'm not steve bannon. i'm not trying to suck my own [bleep]." i'm not gonna lie, people. i love scaramucci already. he's cussing out all his coworkers. you know, that's what you do when you quit, not when you start, or maybe he just does things the opposite way, so when he leaves the white house, he's gonna be like, "hi. i'm anthony. nice to work with you, reince. nice to meet you." - we do have breaking news: president donald trump has removed anthony scaramucci as communications director. - wait. what? scaramucci--but he just got here. he just got here. did you know-- did you know that technically,
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scaramucci's job hadn't even started yet? did you know this? his official start date as communications director is august 15th. the guy got fired before the job began. and so tonight, all too soon, my friends, we say good-bye. - i love the president. i love the president, and i'm very, very loyal to the president. - he also said, "i'm not steve bannon. i'm not trying to suck my own..." [tender music] ♪ - [coughing] ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> jordan: welcome to "the opposition." you're just in time, which means you're way too late. it's november 30, and my g

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