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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  January 17, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PST

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from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. (applause). >> trevor: welcome to the daily show, thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. our guest tonight, host of the hit show parts unknown, anthony bourdain is here, everybody.
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(applause) but first, but first yesterday the official white house doctor declared president trump to be completely healthy, which is great, which is great because it means that he will be alive and kicking for both of his terms. or he will last until his impeachment, whichever you prefer. but not everyone was buying it. especially because it looked like something shady was going on with the president's height and his weight. >> the new some are calling it girther bonding how the president grew from 6, 2, 6, 3, that matters because if, he is 6, 2, 239, that means he is obese. if that is what 239 pounds look like, i would weigh 170 pounds. >> if he is that .1 away if being in the obese category. >> as we get older, we shrink. >> i have lost more than an inch in the last decade. donald trump has gained more than an inch. truly a remarkable man.
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>> sure. >> he is a remarkable man. >> everyone is sharp, he can't be 6 foot 3-rbgs he can't be 240 pounds, he can't be healthy, yes, you know what else he can't be, president. but here we are, here we are. like i'm surprised he subscribes to the law of gravity. he does his own thing, people. oh, and in case you were hoping to hear that he is mentally unfit for president, more bad news. >> with kritdics questioning the president's mental fitness, dr. jackson said he has absolutely no concerns about the 71 year old's cognitive abilities adding that the president himself requested the test. receiving a perfect score on what is called the montreal cognitive assessment. >> it is a pretty simple test. it is about a ten minute test, they ask you to draw a cube, draw a clock, things like that, things that most people are able to do. >> monk the test questions, identify the animals and name the maximum number of words in one minute that begin with the letter f. >> trevor: really? really? to see if i a president is competent you ask him to list
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words starting with f. like that is just one of trump's speeches, folks, fox news, fake news, failing new york time, fired, and finally, phenomenal. (applause) like i'm 12eu8 stuck on this. like i can be believe part of the test for your president's mental health is to see if he can identify animals. really? you are going to give him a rhino test? like that sounds like a joke about african presidents. >> this is a lion. this say rhino, and this is a camel. congratulations, sir, you are now the president of uganda. 2 is insane. but let's move on now to the capitol. soaf ree now and then congress checks in with different parts of government. it's called an oversight hearing. and it's usually just congressmen or senators asking helds of agencies routine
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questions. which as you can imagine, isn't always the most interesting. >> they do not have the sat tore authority to close noncompliant schools immediately nor does it have the authority to restrict dso access to sevis. >> >> trevor: that clip was so boring that the first time i watched it i went and lined up at the dmv just to feel alive again. but in the age of trump nothing is what it is supposed to be. everything is flipped aroundment fox food is healthy, tonya harding is a hero, mitt romney is the one fa got away. and oversight committee hearings might as well be on world star. >> that's unacceptable to me. there are threats in this country. people plotting. i receive enough death threats to know the reality. >> trevor: death threats what happened to the dso access to sevis, what happened to that c-span viewers yesterday must
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have had a heart attack bah normally it is the herbal tea of television thrk is more like butt chugging espresso. that espresso joke proudly brought to you by nespresso. they look like butt plugs but they're not, unless they are. now you might have ensoot corey booker video because it went viral but how did this nice guy turn into the caramel hulk? well, the senate judiciary committee was already scheduled to meet with homeland security secretary krirs jen nielsen and as fate would have it secretary nielsen happened to be in last week's meetings the infamous shithole meeting which turned out to be something many of the senators wanted to discuss. and something she definitely did not. >> what do you remember the president saying about immigration from african countries to the united states? >> there were about a dozen people in the room. there from a lot of cross conversations, there was a lot of rougher talk by a lot of people in the room. i remember specifically kus words being used by a variety of
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members. what i was struck with frankly as i'm sure you were as well was just the general profanity that was used in the room by almost everyone. >> trevor: secretary nielsen makes it sound like trump was just hosting a giant rap bat e8k like yeah, come on, come on, my name is donald and everybody knows, i don't want people if they're from the shitholes, yeah, take it away mike pence. i feel like mike pence only raps for your radio ed oh you other-- and you oath oath that is what i don't-- yeah, how did i do, mother? (applause) oh and get, this get this, apparently according to nielsen the only person who was making any sense in the meeting was her boss, president trump. >> what i understood him to be saying is let's move away from the countries and let's look at the individual and make sure that those we bring here can contribute to our society. >> trevor: sok, she's
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definitely paraphrasing trump because he doesn't speak like that. like he's not that smart. like he's pick a rhino smart but not that smart. like sometimes i think trump is like groot and all the republicans are like the raccoon cuz all he says is no blacks and his team has to translate it to polszee. >> no blacks. >> what the president means is a merit-based system would enrich our nation's human capital. >> no blacks? >> the president thinks that cutting medicaid will encourage hard work. >> no blacks. >> he doesn't want black people. i mean look, look, i guess that nielsen wants to pretend that the president wasn't being racist. but at times yesterday her loiltd just made her look really loyal. >> what does he mean when he says he wants more immigrants from norway? >> norway say predominantly white country, isn't it? >> di di-- i actually do not know that, sir, but i imagine that is the case.
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>> trevor: and now are you playing like you don't know that norway is a white country. come on, really, norway defines white. billy joel concerts look at norway and go damn that country is white. nielsen was blowing everyone's mind. trump is smart, who know white, everyone was swearing, things got so confusing that committee chairman orrin hatch ended up taking off glasses that he didn't even have on. >> i would like to begin with-- i would-- worker visas. (applause). >> trevor: no, no, no, hold on, hold on. hold on. let me put on my glasses so i can see that again. >> i would like to begin with-- i want religious worker visas. (laughter). >> trevor: oh man. yo, forget trump, that diseud needs a rhino test. (laughter) because like usually if people make that mistake it would end
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here, i get that. but then hatch keeps on going. it's like he realizes the glasses prbt there but didn't want to look silly sow carried on with the move, just like yeah, uh-huh, carry on, huh-uh, i'm with you, i'm still with you. but the reason yesterday's hearing got really heated was because even though she was in the shithole meeting and heard tons of swearing in nul surround sound secretary nielsen kept denying that they recalled any naughtee words coming from the president. >> is it possible he said the word at the meeting and you didn't lear it. >> anything is possible, yes, ma'am. i don't specifically remember a categorization of countries in africa. i did not hear that word used, yes, sir. >> apologies, i don't remember a specific word. have i answered this, have i been very patient with this line of questioning. have i nothing further to say bay meeting that happened over a week ago. >> trevor: yeah, you know what, she has got a point. so what if a man was racist over a week ago. does that mean he's a racei today, that was like eight daysk come on, people change.
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look, all of this explains why the junior senator from new jersey lost his cool. >> tense of millions of americans are hurting right now because of what they are worried about what happened in the white house. that's unacceptable to me. and i've got a president of the united states whose office i respect, who talks about the countries origin, my fellow citizens, in the most dispicible of manner. you don't remember, you can't remember the words of your commander in chief. i find that unacceptable. tdz wow. plaws plawtion you can feel that corey booker was so passionate it shattered orrin hatch's imaginary glasses. oh, i just got these. and booker's tirade resonated with so many people who feel that the president' expressing
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racist views only embolden white supremacist who already think that this is their time. so coree, thank you for that. and thank you, thank you also because you inspired the latest episode of "the daily show's" favrite soap opera. >> yes, coree, i cheated. but i told you, i don't even remember his name. >> you don't remember. you can't remember. i find that unacceptable. >> well, you have to accept it. i was drunk. >> when dik durbin called me hi teaser of rage when i heard about the experience of that meeting. >> dik durbin that mother [bleep], i knew it baby, look, i know i hurt you. but i need to know that you respect this committee. our committee. >> i'm grateful to be on this committee. i'm more than ever today happy i am here. thank you. >> thank you, coree. (applause). >> trevor: we'll be right back .
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another $1 masterpiece only at taco bell. woman: wow. the new world. [music playing] no way. man: rated t for teen. playstation, the best place to play. >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show nrkts run-up to the
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election it felt like no matter what center hes broke about donald trump, nothing could urt had them. >> aka the testify long don, pus y grabbing, fake charity donations running a fake university, he was unacceptable. but now we are learning learnine there was one-story he didn't want to come out, so much so that he was willing to pay. >> a bombshell new report from the "the wall street journal" alleges that a lawyer for president trump paid a porn star more than $100,000 to keep sigh lent just before the presidential election. >> trump attorney michael cohen arranged a $130,000 pay off to stephanie cliffford also known by her stage name strmy daniels. >> trevor: you know, with any other presidency this would be the end. but with trump we're all like wow, trump in a consensual affair. i think he's pivoting, yeah. and just this morning, just this morning, in touch magazine, all right, they presented an interwould you-- interview with stormy daniels where she talks about the alleged affair in depth. now trump's lawyers have denied
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the affair. and after they reportedly paid her that $130,000 she signed a letter saying it never happened which i would also, sure, give me 130,000, nothing happened. i don't even know what this is. and honestly, i'm not a fan of this part of our culture. if the person has an affair, i think that is between them and their spouse. all right. but at the same time, if they are a funny details around the affair and now you are the president, then you can't blame us for wanting to get involved. like quuz when i read through the story there are so many funny things that are not like the sex part, for instance, trump an daniels first met at a golf tournament when he noticed her and invited her to ride to another hole on the same golf cart. right? which is amazing to me. because even the chance toim press a porn star couldn't get donald trump out of a golf karkts even then. he was like i'm not quitting. i love it. so trump and daniels have a good time at the towrnlt. and then he invites her out for
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dinner. at least she thought it was out to ender. but when she shows up, right t says here that she was, she was dressed to go out, and then trump is in his hotel room watching tv in his pajamas. and then they ended up having dinner in the room. if this was a porn movie, it would be the saddest porn ever. a sexy pizza girl would show up and then trump would just eat the pizza. you still here? but here's the trumpiest part of all of this. daniels told the magazine that trump allegedly told her, she said quote, i was beautiful and smart, just like his daughter. yeah, ooh indeed, my frensd, come on trump, really? can't we just enjoy a story of you having an affair way porn storn without you making it sleezy? because now it's gross. but it's also not surprising because i thought i would never have to say this again, but don't ever forget, donald trump wants to bang his daughter.
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(applause). >> trevor: welcome back to the daily show. my guest tonight say world renowned chef best selling author, publisher and host of the emmy winning cnn original series, anthony bourdain, parts unknown. >> whoa, look at this. >> my water. >> i mean. >> this is a uniquely italian thing, banana hammock. >> the what? >> banana hammock. >> in america people don't want to get a tan like this? >> they don't want to reveal thach about themselves. >> they wear the. >> big boxers. >> keep them guessing until it's too late.
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>> trevor: please welcome anthony bourdain. plawtion (applause) welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> trevor: i've been a fan of yours for so long, watching you travel around the world. and it was so amazing. this week, i guess it was perfect timing. cnn aired a bunch of your shows, anthony bourdain, specifically of you in africa around the same time that the president was commenting on how these are shithole countries. >> yeah, what a coincidence. >> trevor: right. you, you tweeted about the president saying shithole countries, why did it effect you so, why did it offend you so much. >> apparently i have wasted my life going to shitholes, 17 years traveling around to extraordinary places. i mean the notion that people don't work hard clearly no one on the team has been to nigeria
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where people work like no one i've ever seen. it was just deeply-- enraging, enreajing to me because the reputation of everything i have seen, experienced, all of the people i have met and everything i've done over the last 17 years. >> trevor: one of the more painful and i would think interesting journeys you've taken in your life happened just very recently with regards to the metoo movement happening. not just in america but in many parts of the world. your girlfriend was one of the people who first came out and exposed the story regarding harvey weinstein. >> uh-huh. >> trevor: your comints posted were really interesting because not only were you supporteddive, you felt disappointed in yourself. why were you disappointed in yourself? >> you know, i came out of a brutal, o fres-- oppressive business that was historically unfriendly to women. i knew a lot of women t turned out who had stories about their
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experiences, about people i knew who did not feel i was the sort of person they could connified in. and suddenly because of my association with-- people were talking to me. and in fact i started speaking about it ot of a sen of real rage. i mean i would like to say that i arrived, i was always enlightened in some way or that i am an activist or virtuous, but inct fa, you know, i have to be honest with my ef. i met one extraordinary woman with an extraordinary and painful story. and who introduced me to a lot of other women with extraordinary sphorrees and suddenly it was personal. and you know, that, that woke me to the extent that i ever woke up, that certainly had an effect. no matter how much i admire someone, or respected their work, you know, i am pretty
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much-- on this issue i'm not in a forgiving state of mind. that shit ain't okay. (applause). >> trevor: the business that you are in now involves not just traveling around the world but helping people of diverse backgrounds have a voice, writing cook books, telling their stories about their parts that are unknown. you anthony bourdain could have just done it for yourself. why was it so important to get these people involved and get their stories out there? >> you know, i'm one of those annoying people if i read a book or see a movie or listen a record that i really, really like. if i could i would come over to your house an shove it in your hand and sit there and listen it with you to make sure you don't miss anything, or rereading every line. >> that is an a moiz-- annoying perchl i know those people, yeah. >> i am passionate about being evangelical about things that i love that give me pleasure and
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make me excited. and i'm an enthusiastic son of a bitch and i'm having a really good time, and the things that make me heach, you know, especially if it is somebody that i feel is not reaching a wider audience, i would like to help. >> trevor: i love, that man. anthony bowr dairntion enthusiastic son of a bitch. >> thank you. (applause). >> trevor: season 11 of anthony bourdain parts unknown premiers. anthony bourdain, everybody. (applause) hey allergy muddlers.
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>> that's our show for tonight, before we go let's check out with jordan klepper whack is going on. >> hey, trevor, i'm glad you could join me for this diplomacy talk. >> trevor: what, what diplomacy talk. >> jordan: to you night our long divided shows, i was inspired by northed and south korea who decided theirate lead was march under a unified flag during the opening ceremony. >> trevor: what does that have to do with our show. >> jordan: perfect, so you will march with me during the olympics. >> trevor: what sth. >> jordan: i need to you hold my cape and a small fan to keep my hair in place and i might get carried so i will need you to
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carry me, but not like a baby, more like a man. >> trevor: we'll talk it about it after the show,ed the opposition with jordan klepper klepper after the show. now your moment of zen wz the white house reported president as 6 foot 3-rbgs 329 pounds, the president would be clinically obese if he was just an inch shorter which he probably is. comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheeres and applause ) >> jordan: welcome to "the opposition." i'm jordan klepper. it's already january 17. my opponent tonight is a senior fellow at media matters who has apparently cracked the code between donald trump's twitter feed and his television habits, matt gertz. ( cheers and applause ) guys, guys, look, loo

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