[speaking spanish] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! thank you and welcome to "the

daily show"! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight ricky gervais is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) going to be a fun conversation. but first, as you know, this past weekend, people in hawaii received an alert that a ballistic missile was about to hit the islands and, for 38 minutes, they didn't know that it was a false alarm. now, that would bring up a lot of emotions in anyone and, now the numbers are in on exactly which emotions. >> this is an odd story but it seems that people celebrated that false warning of a nuclear apocalypse by visiting porn sites online. >> the web site porn hub saw an escalation of traffic saturday morning after the all clear was sounded. when the alert was announced, traffic dropped 77% below average as residents frantically sought shelter. once the clear was given, traffic shot up 48% above what the site normally sees. >> trevor: i know the people in the clip were running because

they were scared but this news story made it seem like they were rushing home to watch porn. ( laughter ) funny thing, during this incident, porn hub traffic only dropped 77%, not 100%. that means 23% kept watching anyway. yeah. they were, like, you know what? i want to go out doing what i love. what do you say gym sock, one last ride? ( laughter ) and let me ask you, what if it wasn't a false alarm is this you realize there's a risk you will be found like this, like pompey. ( laughter ) let's move on. today marks one week an verse of mark falling into a shithole debate. it's the only news that meters. kim and kanye had a third child. is his name shithole? no. i don't care! actually, it is, awww! all the attention on a naughty word drowned out a real story,

trump and the democrats can't agree on immigration reformed and it's reaching -- >> clock the ticking over a shutdown. >> the democrats say they will not vote for a spending bill unless it includes daca. president trump will not sign an immigration bill unless it includes funding for the border wall. >> the president is trying to fix our whole immigration system legal and illegal. >> we're calling for congress to end chain migration and end the visa lottery system and replace it with a merit-based system of immigration. >> trevor: immigration... ( laughter ) this is serious, the united states government could shut down tomorrow and trump probably wants a shutdown the same way the kid hopes for a snow day so they don't have to go to school. they will be running around outside like, yeah! no government! ( audience reacts ) but since the disagreements

could shut the u.s. government down, we should learn about the programs that trooper hates. diversity visa lottery. >> essentially allows 50,000 immigrants every year from low immigration countries. >> the united states runs the show from start to finish. people around the world enter the visa lottery individually, applicants pay the fees themselves then the real vetting starts. background checks, looking through birth certificates, court filings, police records, military history, deportation history. marriages, divorces, adoption records, education, work experience, more questions about relatives and in-person interviews. >> trevor: that sondes like you've won an i.r.s. audit. birth certificates, police records, marriages and divorces? calling it a lottery is a slick way to make something invasive sound like priors. every law enforcement should do the same trick. kicking down the door, get on the ground! this is a lottery!

yea! what did i win? the right to remain silent! i'm so lucky! ( laughter ) although it's called a lottery, all you really win is the right to apply to come live in the united states. it's step one in an elaborate process, not a willie wonka pass to america. now, in immigration reform was the centerpiece of your entire campaign and you were maybe going to shut down the whole government over it, it would help if you knew any of those things instead of this. >> cancel the lottery program. they call it visa lottery. i just call it lottery where countries come in and they put names in a hopper, they're not giving you their best names. common sense means they're not giving you their best names. they're giving you people they don't want and then we take them out to have the lottery and where they do it by hand, where they put the hand in a bowl, like probably what's in the their hand are the worst of the worst, but they put people they don't want into a lottery and the united states takes those

people -- >> trevor: you know, sometimes trump is so stupid that it's not funny. the names are in a bowl? there's 15 million applications and it's all online. this is not some scam where other countries send america their worst individuals, right? people apply and then, after vetting them, the u.s. state department chooses who comes in. trump makes it sound like it's just some dude on the local news like your lucky immigrants tonight, and your power immigrant el chapo! ( laughter ) so either trump is lying about the visa lottery or he's a dumbass who doesn't know how it works and i really don't know which one it is. so let's move on to the other immigration program trump wants to end, chain migration which according to him goes like this. >> chain migration is one of the disasters. you allow one person in and that one person brings in ten or 12 people. >> the individuals right now who

are receiving green cards, they can bring in, say, an elderly relative who could immediately go on to public assistance if they become unable to support themselves financially, and then that person can bring in a relative who could bring in a relative who can bring in a relative and that's why they call it chain migration. >> trevor: okay, slow down daytime dracula. you've got everything right there except the facts. he makes it sound like the minute the immigrant gets a green card they can bring their whole veg with them. sort of like this. ( whistle ) ♪ ♪ >> trevor: for trump, that was based on a true story. ( laughter ) here's the thing, if you have a green card, you can't just bring your whole family. you can only bring your unmarried children and spouse. if you go on to become a u.s. citizen, the time it takes to bring your family is a lot

longer than donny and the trump-heads make it sound. >> if you're a legal resident filing for your adult child, the wait time for that adult child is roughly nine years. if you're a u.s. citizen filing for a sibling, the wait time is roughly 13 years for them to get a visa, and that time is even longer if you're from china, india or the philippines and mexico. for some of them, that wait time pushes that 20 years. >> trevor: that's right, it could take up to 20 years to bring a foreign family member to live with you in the u.s. which, for some relatives, is going to mean some hard choices. it's, like, grandma, look, i love you, but 20 years, i mean, it's a lot of paperwork and i don't know if you're going to make it, and i'm just saying. look, the bottom line is trump wants to cut immigration in half by any means necessary and, again, not just illegal immigration, legal, lawful immigration. yeah, he wants to kick the brown

out of town. so if you're from el salvador, you ain't welcome no more. if you're from haiti, bye-bye lady. if you're from the philippines -- look, rhymes are not what we're here for. ( laughter ) the point is trump wants fewer immigrants coming into the u.s. and while facts haven't always been his friend, one tool he always knows how to use -- fear. >> people come in, and they're not necessarily good, like the man that ran over -- the animal that ran over many people in new york city the other day. according to chain migration, he may have as many as 22 to 24 people that came in with him. his grandfather, his grandmother, his mother, mise father, his brothers, his sisters. we have to end chain migration. we have to end chain migration. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: once again, that's not true. the new york bike terrorist was here on a green card, so he

couldn't bring his grandmother, his grandfather, his brothers and sisters. but trump is using his fictionalized version of the story to crack down on all immigration. i see what's happening here. first they said no to illegal immigrants, and now they have a problem with legal immigrants coming in. i mean, i know tha say they're not coming for us if we're already here legally, but the way this is going, we may want to get on porn hub one last time because time may be running out. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on america's most awarded network. verizon? uh, woah, woah, woah vince. it was ranked highest in network quality performance nationwide by j.d. power

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." well, we've already talked about some of the news, and you might be thinking to yourself, trevor, where's the rest of the news? shhh! don't worry, girl, i got you because it's time for another installment of "in other news." ( cheers and applause ) the winter olympics are just three weeks away and looks like

the big event will be the cross country cooperation. >> north and south korea are bitter enemies but at next month's olympics in the south they plan to march together at the opening ceremonies. >> north korea is taking its show on the road sending its state-sponsored cheering squad to the olympics. the 230-person squad has been called kim jong un's army of beauties. these figure skaters are the only two north korean athletes who have actually qualified for the games, so the cheerleaders will dwarf the actual number of competitors. >> trevor: wait, 230 cheerleaders for two athletes? no one needs that much cheering. like the cheerleaders will be in the skaters bathroom, rah-rah-raho brush your teeth! if he was smart he would create a an army of beauties. mr. trump, the army of beauties

is invading! i surrender! ( laughter ) i'm sure you heard of the google's art and culture app. you take a selfie and it matches you with a famous painting. this guy got mona lisa, this one van gogh. i did one, too. the last supper. no, not jesus, guys. zoom in. i got the waiter in the background. yeah! i feel like leonardo really captured his dimples. ( laughter ) people are going crazy for this but a couple of state governments not so much. >> in illinois and texas you can't use the selfie feature because google removed it. it appears it was avoiding a conflict with both states that have tough laws on biometric identification using faces, fingers or eyes to identify someone. >> trevor: i get what they're saying about privacy and biometrics but let's not pretend the damage hasn't already been

done. people are, like, i'm going to post all my photos on facebook, instagram and snapchat. what about the new google -- no, can't take the risk. illinois and texas, you might be reacting. illinois is, but i'm totally on board with texas banning selfies. anything that reduces of seeing a picture of ted cruz, i'll take it. moving to saudi arabia where they've already banned facial recognition for half the population. >> saudi arabia has lifted a 35-year ban on cinema. >> the first movie screening in decades was the emoji movie. it was shown as a double feature with captain underpants, the first epic movie. >> the country will continue to sensor movies to make sure they align with its moral values but the government plans to open 300 more theaters by 2030. >> trevor: emoji movie or not, this is a big deal. saudi arabia is one of the most conservative nations in the world. since the new crown prince took over in june, he's take an number of steps to try to

modernize the country including allowing saudi women to drive and now saudi women can also go to soccer stadiums, which you know they're probably excited for. finally! we get to watch renaldo? no, the saudi team. oh, we would rather beo pressed. whatever. ( laughter ) the cinema thing seems small in our world but big in the saudis. it's weird they start with brand-new movies and go backwards. why not catch up on the classics. now they'll go the other way which means they'll watch the new ghostbusters. when they get to the original, it will be what's up with the male reboots? why can't they accept women hunt ghosts? this is not men's job! p.c. culture! in other news -- we'll be right back. (crunch) (whack) (gasp)

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grab a seat. woman: okay. moderator: nice to meet you. have you ever had car trouble in a place like this? (roaring of truck) yes and it was like the worst experience of my life. seven lanes of traffic and i was in the second lane. when i get into my car, i want to know that it's going to get me from point a to point b. well, then i have some good news. chevy is the only brand to receive j.d. power dependability awards for cars, trucks and suvs two years in a row. woman: wait! (laughing) i definitely feel like i'm in a dependable vehicle right now. woman 2: i want a chevy now. woman 3: i know! woman 2: i want a chevy now. fortified.tored. replenished. emerge everyday with emergen-c packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. why not feel this good everyday? emerge and see. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a golden globe and emmy award comedian who host as show on sir sirius s and has an upcoming show and

"child support." >> ow, ow. >> ow. >> focus. listen to me. settle down. ( laughter ) >> this is worse than the golden globe's. >> trevor: please welcome ricky gervais! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> pleasure to be here. >> trevor: you're doing so many things. you're doing a netflix special, tv show, sirius exms thing. >> i'm exhausted. >> trevor: why are you doing so many things? >> i don't know. i'm sitting down. in the kids room, i'm sitting in a room, the netflix. standup, that's tricky. i'm going to change that and do a sit-down. i'm too old now.

>> trevor: you're not old. >> oh, i am. you look all good in your suit and i'm -- (bleep) no. i can't. i mean, i just -- oh, i can't. i can't be bothered. i'm not going to live long enough to spend the money i made now so what's the point? why am i doing this? what's the point? >> trevor: i feel like the point is to have a lot of fun. your new show is fun. >> it is. >> trevor: it's a game show where people only win money if the kids answer the questions correctly. >> if one of the kids in that room and i've got to try and control them and they don't respect me which is good, i suppose, and if one of them gets it right they get through, so it's a funny idea, but it's still got to compete with is it more fun than me sitting at home in my pants getting drunk. >> trevor: is that the benchmark? >> it is. honestly, it's tough to beat that. i turn stuff down. i often base roles on am i sitting down. ( laughter ) >> no, when i first started acting, right, it's like if i

was in the scene, the door rang, you get up and answered it and say come in. now i change it in the script to i just say "come in." >> trevor: you know what's crazy, ricky is this sounds like what trump's trying to do with his presidency, is slink it to do nothing and just sit down. >> i know. i'm allowed to be laysy. i'm the only one who lets me down, not 300 million people. so i think i'm allowed to play golf more than him, but, yeah, it's off the charts. i've never been political. my whole life i still keep with comedy because i don't want to rally, you know, not relying on people agreeing with you or not. but in my private life, honestly, i have been so political this last year, i can't wait for him to get up and tweet it's like a spoof sometimes. sometimes i say, no, that's the real president of the united states. >> trevor: yeah, you don't know what a joke tweet is

anymore. >> i don't know how you can joke. i don't know what he can do if people do that's too far for a president. what does he have to do? >> trevor: what about his dick? ( laughter ) >> we wouldn't notice. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and he's healthy now, is he? i want his doctor because i would be healthy as well. did he get the finger? i bet not. imagine they just couldn't. ( laughter ) it's just a whole hamburger, why ( laughter ) no, but it's -- ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, man! >> but it's scary. the thing in hawaii. >> trevor: people are teferredz because they think a missile is coming. i read up on british news and then i'm obviously up to date on american news and it felt like brexit was the scandal of the u.k. >> yeah. >> trevor: why are you so

chilled out because they'll even say brexit is chaotic right now. >> yeah, well, we haven't got that sort of news, really. any one thing that trump had done or tweeted in the last year, that would be the end of any politician in britain. they just go, sorry, resign. that would be the end of it. they couldn't go through it. but i don't know, really. i suppose brexit was a bit of an inoculation. it got me ready for trump getting in. i just don't -- you know, you and north korea, right? i'm blaming you and all americans, right? not just trump. but i'm all right because i'm in england because you fly the other way around the world. north korea -- just don't get into a fight with france because then you have to come over england. >> trevor: i think you have a very optimistic view of war. can you shoot that way? it's such a british thing to do

as well. british people are, like, would you mind shooting around me, please? i don't mind if you shoot the missile, just shoot around me, please. >> i've seen kim jong un shoot. it's (bleep) and that way it mises you -- >> trevor: you're not interested, no war, no politics? >> i'm interested if it happens. but i would like to think there are so many sane people still in the world it will all be evened out. i don't know. what can you do? if there's a war, that's it. if there was a meteor headed toward earth that was going to destroy the world, right, you would have a few billion people praying to their god and a few hundred scientists would work out how to get bruce willis up there to stop it. so i rely on there is still a few brilliant sane people that save the rest of mankind. if you look at mankind, the few brilliant ones survived and the average one is a (bleep) more ron. we should have been wiped out

years ago. a few billion people work out inoculations and save the world. >> trevor: where are you going to next? >> the restaurant and getting drunk. >> trevor: what i like about you, you keep it chimed. ricky gervais, ebbed! "child support" airs fridays at 8:00 p.m. on abc. "ricky gervais is deadly sirius" is on sirius xm radio. and his stand-up special, "humanity," will be avilable on netflix march 13th. ricky gervais. ( cheers and applause )

( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you for tuning in. stay tuned, "the opposition" with gored gored is coming up next. "@midnight" is next. >> this is, like, giving you a bowl of dogg dog