oh, some kind of...alarm. okay. (michael) hi, jan, it's michael. i just, um-- i just want to let you know that i am going to go to your lamaze class tomorrow. um, and if there is any details you need to fill me in on, like...what, exactly, lamaze is, that would be great. and i will see you tomorrow morning. i am going to be kind of a daddy. party planning is a real high. like a runner's high. [ding] [muffled noises] [moans and heavy breathing] [gasps] oh, my god!

what? [phyllis gasps, drops box] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much! thank you, everybody and welcome to "the daily show"! i'm trevor noah! our guest tonight fox business anchor liz claman is joining us, everybody. it's going to be a fun show. first, if you are a patriots fan who thought they got robbed at the super bowl, well, i've got more bad news. >> police are investigating a a burglary at the foxboro massachusetts home of patriots tight end rob gonkowski.

>> rob returned home yesterday. police say items were stolen from the home when he was at the super bowl. they've not yet said what was taken. >> trevor: the police have not said what was taken but it's gronk so i can only imagine they got his jagermeister and axe body spray, and helped themselves to his favorite snacks. so disappointed. what kind of asshole would steal from gronk? he's super chilled and fun. i wouldn't be shocked if he got home and his friends were, like, oh, no, you have been robbed! he's, like, i have been robbed my whole life, whoo! ( cheers and applause ) obviously, i really hope they catch the thieves, but we also have to consider that there's at least a 30% chance gronk just went to the wrong house. ( laughter ) somebody stole all my shit and replaced it with other shit! ( laughter ) mr. gronkowski, you're still in

minnesota. they moved my house to minnesota?! you know what? leave it. ( laughter ) but let's move on to our top story tonight. although, you know what? can i be honest with you guys? >> yeah! >> trevor: my ties are just clip-ons. see? i'll also be honest. i don't know what a clip-on tie is. here's what i was going to say. there really isn't a top story today which is kind of nice because the news can be overwhelming, right? you know, sometimes like it's either a government shutdown, sexual abuse scandal, natural disasters or little rocket man and his orange nemesis threatening to blow up the world. all the stress makes my ebola flare up, you know? ( laughter ) i have to say today is relatively chilled. it's nice to have a moment to breathe and enjoy the news that doesn't make us freak out. all right, because there is a rocket in the news today but for once good news.

>> in florida a picture-perfect rocket launch a short time ago at cape canaveral. spacex's big new rocket fired off. the most powerful rocket to successfully launch since saturn 5. >> while the rocket is unmanned, there is precious cargo aboard. elon muse's cherry red roadster complete with a dummy whined the wheel. >> i'm really excited. this is a moment i have been waiting for a long time. >> trevor: when elon musk wasle eight years old he said, when i grow up, i want to send a giant triple penis into space! ( laughter ) not a normal one either. this went into space with a sports car inside it. like the aliens will see this and be, really? a sports car inside a rocket? someone's overcompensating. ( laughter ) give it up for elon musk, man, spacex ( cheers and applause ) this man is doing amazing

things. but whatever we do, we've got to make sure he does not lose an eye because that's how he becomes a super villain, people. keep him safe! ( laughter ) what else i'm excited about the winter olympics coming up on friday. that's going to be fun. ( applause ) they just announced the olympic village will be stocked with 110,000 condoms. ( laughter ) now, i don't know why winter athletes need so many condoms. i mean, their outfits are already made out of latex. you don't need a condom. you are a condom. but, still, use condoms. use condoms. and olympians face nongentley-based threats. >> 21 olympic venues and facilities are closely monitored at this command center. the 60,000 person olympic security force is about twice that deployed during the summer olympics in rio. that force includes south korean marines. >> trevor: damn! south korea's not messing around! these guys look like they're ready for any type of terrorist.

the skiing terrorists, army tank terrorists. window cleaning terrorists. yeah, they'll stop them all unless the terrorists have scissors and those guys are screwed. ha ha! no! ( laughter ) maybe this is a cultural thing, but i don't really understand some of the training that the korean marines have to do. >> that force includes south korean marines who have been testing their tolerance for the cold and snow in the mountains of pyongyang. >> at first glance portions of the training drill appear to be a lot of grown men playing in the snow. the objective of this challenge, to steal their opponents hats, rendering the other side even more exposed to the elements than they already were. >> trevor: okay. somehow that explanation made me even more confused. ( laughter ) they're train big stealing each other's hats? how is that going to stop a terrorist attack? he's got a gun! quick! somebody! take his hat! and then he'll catch a cold --

eventually. ( laughter ) oh, and by the way, if these are the guys protecting the olympics, you're going to get people just pretending to be terrorists. look at that guy. it will be, like, look out, i've got a bomb! you going to stop me with those big arms? look at that guy. you might want to make it 112,000 condoms! yeah! now, it is good that the koreans are protecting athletes and the fans, but for the city of pong chang itself, the biggest threat may be after the games are long gone. >> most to have the facilities built in rio for the summer games less than two years ago are already abandoned and rotting. the only thing swimming in the aquatic center in athens are frogs. beijing's rowing and kayaking course is bone dry and the famed birds nest stadium has been used most often as a nearly half-billion-dollar track for tourists on segues. >> trevor: if there's one

thing i don't like about the olympics, it's the fact many cities are hurt financially about hosting the games. they host it, there's a bunch of money they spend building stuff they'll never use again. if my mom ran the olympics, they would make them guy stadiums one size bigger to grow into it. ( laughter ) or better idea, why don't the olympics tailor the events to things city needs. no one needs bob swledding, so let's get competitive road paving instead. fix the place up. forget half pipe. i want to see men lay actual pipe. make it 113,000 condoms. after you're done with the construction, have the curlers come in to sweep up. they're already got the job. ( laughter ) let's move observe to the exact opposite of world class athletics. donald trump. ( laughter ) this is chill. but yesterday at a speech in ohio he took a moment to complain about the democrats who

didn't clap for him during the state of the union. >> you have the other side even on positive news, really positive news like that, they were, like, death. somebody is treasonous. i mean, yeah, i guess. why not? can we call that treason? why not? ( laughter ) >> trevor: i'm so shocked that the president really will repeat anything someone random in a crowd shouts at him. like treason is not typically prosecuted in a call and response fashion. even if you said treason to a parrot the bird would-be, like, arrr! i'm not saying that. that's a serious charge. polydoesn't say cracker anymore. i'm woke! ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is a random person shouting. i wonder if the that's how we could get trump to support better causes. just go to his rallies and yell things out. whoo, trump!

"black lives matter"! he would be like, yeah, maybe even more than white lives. you never know. you never know. ( laughter ) for some reason, people with a hard on for democracy didn't like the president casually accusing his political opponents of treason which is why sara came out and said. >> he celebrated accomplishments like last year that helped all americans. >> trevor: yeah, lighten up, the president was joking about treason, like about obama helping i.s.i.s. or when he joked about how the russians should ac hillary's e-mails or when he said police should rough up people in custody. oh, protect and serve. whatever... ( laughter ) now, those may not seem that funny, but maybe we just have to see trump's jokes in the right setting. >> did anybody happen to see the state of the union address? what? okay. you're up there, you've got half

the room going totally crazy wild, and you have the other side, they were, like, death, and un-american. un-american. somebody's a treasonous -- somebody said treasonous. yeah, i guess. why not? when you see these thugs being thrown into the back of a patty wagon, you just see them thrown in, rough, i said, please don't be too nice. ( laughter ) president obama, he is the founder of i.s.i.s. he's the founder of i.s.i.s., okay? he's the founder! he founded i.s.i.s. i don't kid. i don't kid. >> trevor: turns out, he's just in the wrong place. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." the stock market has been on a rollercoaster for the last few

days. fortunately, here to explain it all is our senior unlicensed financial advisor hasan minhaj in our money segment "living on the street." ( cheers and applause ) >> marty, need you to sell everything now. marty, sell everything immediately. listen to me now, frank, buy, buy, buy. dominoes! that meat lovers is seven minutes late! give it to me now! ahhh! i'm hasan minhaj. what a time on wall street. down, up, don't panic. >> stock market is send shock waves around the world. >> the worst day for stocks in nearly seven years. >> the dow jones lost 1175 points, the biggest one day point loss ever. >> an historic plunge. >> after months and months the volatility continues this morning. >> why is wall street seemingly so panicked? >> omigod, we're all going to die! no we're not. remember the rules. no panicking. it's all good, bro!

the stock market is all over the place. no reason to get blood in your stool. nothing can be up all the time. it's like if you've been snorting adderall all night, you will come otherwise you're on the side of the new jersey turnpike asking a raccoon for marriage advice. we all have our ferraris. what's going on? we need a reason. >> former fed chair janet yellen saying stocks are overvalued and perhaps we're due for a correction. >> higher interest rates mean bonds are paying better which means investors want to sell stocks to buy bonds. >> there aren't so many humans making investment decisions. >> machine-driven. >> computers trade stocks now? it's the robotic apocalypse! i don't want to blame a macbook. i want to blame a person. let's play it. whose fault is it? trump has been taking credit for the boom so he should take a blame for the bust. psych! no he shouldn't.

right, sean hannity? >> because the obama economy was so weak all of these years, we had just artificially cheap money, when you can borrow at ridiculously low rates, the era of cheap money at some point has to come to an end. >> there you have it folks, market pumped because of trump. market down, you blame the brown. thanks, obama! lock him up! ( applause ) every time you point your finger at someone, four are pointing back at you. what does that mean? i don't know. but the chinese character for crisis is the same as opportunity. ♪ my foot massage lady told me that. her name is rachel. she lives super close to chinatown. you're probably asking, hasan, what's a hot commodity? it's in front of your face. newspapers need photos of stock brokers freaking out. they are everywhere. you've got, what will i tell susan?! then, omigod there goes the

summary house! and my favorite, i'm going to have to eat generic cereal! this photo market is so hot i'm getting in on the action. i call this one i have to fake my own death because i put my life savings into bit coin! that's actually true! ( ringing ) oh, shit, it's my current wife. hey, babe, listen, nothing's wrong! everything's fine! please believe me. trevor, i was never here! >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everyone! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) this is lynchburg.

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"the daily show." my guest tonight is the author of "countdown to the closing bell," fox business anchor, please welcome liz claman! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ welcome to the show. >> thank you so much. >> trevor: so i have one simple question for you, buy or sell? ( laughter ) >> buy low, sell high! have you guys ever heard that? >> trevor: how do we know if it's high? the market is in such a crazy place. it's up, down, super down, they say it's a record down, but we shouldn't panic. if we shouldn't panic and it's normal, why does it always happen? >> that's exactly the point. it doesn't always happen and what we're seeing yesterday, could it have been the ultimate opportunity to have bought? but again, i will remind everybody, the stock market is a little bit of a casino, right? so you should really only play with money that you can afford to lose. who can afford to lose money? nobody, right? i mean, you don't want to do that. so you've just got to sit there

and watch and figure out that you're never going to catch the top. >> trevor: right. >> you're never going to catch the bottom. so if you can get sort of around the top or the bottom, when it comes to selling at the top and picking up at the bottom, that would be nice. >> trevor: you are someone who is steeped in the targe stock mt and economy. what's interesting is a lot of people because of president trump have started conflating the stock market with the economy. president trump will say the stock market is doing well which means the economy is doing well. are they the same? >> absolutely not, and that is a perfect, perfect example of why they are not the same thing. certainly a good economy can stabilize the stock market, but everybody would argue that when president obama had taken over and, in 2009, we saw the market plummet all the way from the financial crisis, as you know. >> trevor: right. >> guess what? from that point all the way through eight years, the stock market jumped by at least for the dow 150 points, 160 points. the nasdaq jumped 260-plus

percent. i'm talking about percentage points. this is huge. >> trevor: right. >> and everyone would argue that the economy -- remember, everybody used to say, oh, the economy is so weak, it's slogging along. and the people who didn't like president obama said it was his fault. people who loved him said don't worry. guess what? the stock market was going like this. so in essence, if you look at it almost like a relay in the olympics, because you're talking about that. >> trevor: yes. >> you could argue that president obama had the baton, he's running, he hands it to president trump, who's continued to run with it. >> trevor: he's running? ( laughter ) he's schlepping a little bit. ( laughter ) >> trevor: i feel like obama handed it to him and he's in a golf cart and driving. that makes sense. so it is a trend. that's what's interesting. you saw sean hannity for instance saying, no, the crash is because of obama, because he didn't raise interest rates, i

guess, when he should have. but the market going up is because of trump. is it somebody's credit or is it to somebody's blame or is the stock market really doing its own thing? >> let's get something straight, the president does not raise interest rates. something called the federal reserve, they're the people who come together and decide what short term interest rates should be and should they go up. >> trevor: right. >> everybody kept them extremely low because we're in a crisis. we're not anymore. if you want somebody to blame, blame bill belichick. i mean, you know, i'm sitting there saying -- >> trevor: there are some people, like, yeah, we'll blame him. we hate the patriots, we'll blame him. >> who do we blame? do we blame the fed, president obama, do we blame president trump talking about the stock market? >> trevor: right. >> there is one thing for sure -- since election day, the dow jones industrie industrialss enjoyed record closings. this is not a bad thing.

but you have to give credit to the stabilization of president obama and, so, therefore, the big theme here is as much as they'd hate to believe this, trump and obama are on the same team. >> trevor: if you look at the numbers alone, right, it looks scary in a day. it's like a thousand points and they go, this is good, bad. >> yeah. >> trevor: but it looks like the markets have been doing the same thing around the world. so if donald trump takes credit for what's happening in america, how do you explain the fact markets worldwide have been going up. is this not just a trend in terms of start? >> it is. and things are better in america right now. we did start to see a pickup in growth. we see a little bit more confidence. the stock market has done well. people's 401ks, i know a lot of you have them. who has a 401k? ( applause ) they've continued to reflat after the financial crisis in 2009. that is a very good thing, but you should all expect that they will fall at a certain point because we see what are called corrections. that means you're up at this

unbelievable record high and then it falls 10% and feels horrible at the time, you need a xanax drip, but calm down, it happens. in fact, corrections tend to happen once every year. they just haven't happened in the last year. >> trevor: that's fantastic. so if i understand this correctly, basically, you've got to think of a stock market on a high like a night out partying. you're getting drunk. at some point you're going to get too drunk. the correction occurs. that's the hangover. then you're, like, all right, maybe i should slow down. then start it over again. >> you get a my tie juice in your morning. you go to your juice cleanse and make sure there's a my tie in it. this is difficult, but when you talk about exactly how to understand all this, some of your viewers are millennials and they come in and say should i be in the stock market and do a 401k? well, yeah, because would you rather bet on great american companies, or would you just rather hide your money under a mattress? >> trevor: i'm going to say mattress, am i right? ( laughter ) thank you so much for being on the show.

it's been great having you. "countdown to the closing bell" airs weekends on the fox business network. liz claman, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ so you're looking for male customers, ages 25-54, who live within five miles of your business? like these two... and that guy. or maybe you want to reach women, ages 18 to 34, who are interested in fitness... namaste. whichever audience you're looking for, we'll find them we're the finders. we work here at comcast spotlight, and we have the best tools for getting your advertising message out there. anywhere, any way your audience watches. consider them found.