>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you, everybody. thank you so much. thank you. and welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you for tuning in. my guests tonight are amazing people, the heroes who stopped a

terror attack on a train in france. the stars of "the 15:17 to paris" the movie are here everybody! ( cheers and applause ) i can't wait to meet these guys, but first, but first, you know when people say they wish they had a president who was the complete opposite of donald trump? well, maybe "complete opposite" is a step too far. >> the canadian prime minister, justin trudeau, is taking some heat after telling a woman not to use the word "mankind." >> a woman thanked him for giving women seats in his cabinet, and then came this exchange: >> maternal love is the love that's going to change the future of mankind, so we'd like you to-- >> we like to say peoplekind, not necessarily mankind. >> trevor: wow, that's over-wokeness. come on, man. i mean, come on, people-man. really. just to get this straight-- that woman was giving the prime minister credit for being woke,

and in the middle of her doing that, he corrected her for not being woke, which might not have been woke, which is so confusing. like, i feel like i just watched a cop pull over a black guy just to tell him black lives matter. ( laughter ) like, thanks? ( cheers and applause ) let's move on. lately, you have to admit, that things have been going well for president trump. he got his tax bill passed. the stock market bounced back quickly. and melania finally agreed to dress like his favorite cheeseburger. and now, it looks like trump might get something he's had heart set on since inauguration day. >> some unusual marching orders from president trump to the pentagon. he wants a massive parade to highlight the country's military is strength. >> this morning, the pentagon is in parade-planning mode, responding to a directive from the commander in chief for a military parade in washington, d.c. a pentagon spokesman telling nbc news, "we are aware of the request and are looking at possible dates." (sot) >> trevor: "looking at possible

dates." really, pentagon? ( laughter ) everyone knows that's a line you use when you're trying to avoid committing to shitty plans. we all know that. "when are you going to come to see the baby? we should look at possible dates. are you going to come to my medieval show, yes, let's look at possible dates. i need a kidney transplant. can we test yours? (bleep) that. but it's not hard to believe the tpentagon has problems with trump's parade. in fact, the general who lead the u.s. war against isis reacted to the plan by saying, "we have more important things to do than to focus on a damn parade." ( cheers and applause ) that's a general thing to say, right? and i agree with that general, but now, the commander in chief has said it so they have to do it. although, you know what i was thinking they should do is tell trump the parade is happening, show him an empty road, and when he goes, "i don't get it. where's the planes?

where's the tanks? i don't see anything." the generals should be, "exactly, mr. president, it's our stealth technology." "wow!" now trump throwing himself a parade seems like a very trumpy thing. >> the demand from the president was apparently inspired by the bastille day parade he attended in france, which he was very impressed by. a military official told "the washington post," "the marching orders were, 'i want a parade like the one in france.'" >> it was one of the greatest parades i've ever seen. i don't know. we're going to have to try and top it. >> trevor: i want a parade like the one in france! i want it! unbelievable, man. of all the things trump has to offer, the one thing trump comes back with is "what a great military." trump is the kind of guy who would watch "star wars" and be like, "you know what i took away from that movie? people are asthma get treated very badly, very badly." why couldn't trump can gone to france and come back with a bit

of their culture instead. think about it. he could have developed a taste for french cuisine or come back with sophisticated opinions about art or life. yes, imagine trump all frenchie, you know. just like, "i think the only way to survive the emotional massacre that is life is to treat your heart like hillary clinton." but america doesn't need a big parade to convince the world it has a military. trust me, the world knows america has a military. n.t.s.b. their countries right now. ( cheers and applause ) we don't need one. if you really want a parade, just, like, every time there's a drone strike, just fly another drone right behind it playing marching music. ♪ baa-baa-ba-dum-dum ba-dum-dum-dum-dum ♪ a parade. and although trump is really excited about getting to play with the army like they're his g.i. joes, luckily, most people are adults.

>> i say it's a fantastic waste of money to amuse the president >> it's kind of cheesy. i think it shows weakness, quite frankly. >> that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. >> we have got to also be cautious on how we do spending. >> we have a napoleon in the making here. >> i don't know. it seems like a waste of money. >> trevor: damn. you know it's bad when even fox news thinks this is a waste of money. they're like, "you can't spend that how much a parade. you need save it for sexual harassment settlements. come on!" the reason a lot of people are against this parade is not just because of the waste of time and money. it's because france aside, military parades have come to be associated with authoritarian regimes, like north korea, the soviet jun onion, and china. and now, look, a military parade on its own the doesn't mean that trump is going to be a dictator, but it's when you look at everything else that your spine starts to tingle. firing the f.b.i. director who was investigating his campaign.

discrediting the electoral process by claiming voter fraud. and he just this week joked that not clapping for him is treason. yeah. i mean, he even gave top government jops to his own kids. and, i mean, sure, those are his smartest kids, but who is there competition. ( laughter ) let's be honest, none of this took us by surprise. the whole time he was running for president, he couldn't stop talking about men around the world. >> saddam hussein, you know what he did well? he killed terrorists. i think i'd get along very well with vladimir putin. >> on the phone with rodrigo duterte, president trump said i want to congratulate you because i've been hearing of the unbelievable job on the drug problem. >> what do you make of the north korean leader? >> obviously, he's a pretty smart cookie. >> trevor: that's one way to describe kim jong-un-- "smart keek." trump is so thirsty. i wouldn't be shocked if he'sa owl the dictators' instagrams,

"great photo. follow back. come olike for like. sexy missile, follow back." in the world of authoritarians, many people are asking where does trump fit in? i know he aspiers to them, but does he measure up? it just so happens over the weekend, they held the 51st annual open awards, where the world's greatest dictators are honored for their work. you probably have never heard of these awards because we made them up. but still, i was asked to host them. and that's not a gig you can turn down. literally, you can't turn it down. they kidnapped me and threw me in a trunk. here are some highlights. >> the 51st annual awards, the "oppressy." >> trevor: the president of the philippines is here, everybody. rodrigo duterte, everybody. he's famous for killing drug users, which i guess is why he's not invited to seth rogan's after-party. am i right, seth?

( applause ) if trump takes home an award tonight, it will be the first thing he's ever won without putin's help. ( laughter ) >> the nominees for best oppression of political opponents are president nicolas maduro, venezuela, for using midnight raids to jail his political adversaries. prime minister hun sen, cambodia, for dissolving his country's main opposition party. president donald trump, the united states, for demanding an investigation of a political opponent. >> and the oppressy goes to: nicolas maduro. ( applause ) >> best performance by a dictator in a propaganda video. donald trump, door dance. rodrigo duterte. and the winner is:

the nominees for excellence and delegitimatizing the media are bashar al-assad, syria. >> we're living in a fake news eara, as you know. nicolas maduro, venezuela. >> donald trump, the united states. >> just because the attacks on fake news and attacking our network, i just want to ask you, sir-- >> i'm changing it from "fake news." >> but aren't you-- >> very fake news. ( laughter ) >> and the "oppressy" goes to donald trump. >> fake news, a level of dishonesty, where they'll take a story that should be good-- i know good from bad. sometimes it's going to be nice-- whoa. and they will purposely totally change it. it's fake news. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, i guess trump isn't quite there yet.

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." thanks to archaeologists, we're always learning new things about our old world, which we discuss in our new segment "noah's ark-eology." snoel♪ ♪ our first discovery is in guatemala, where the jungles

aren't just hiding just tigers. >> for centuries, the guatemala, jungle shrouded the remains of theancient maya civilization. but now, using lasers and drones, scientists have now, using lasers and drones, a mayan megalopolis. >> trevor: hold up. these scientists have developed lasers to help them see through things, and they are wasting it on an ancient civilization? come on, nerds. i'm sorry, if i had x-rays like you know i would be using it to see right through my mother's lies about my dog. i know he die the, but you sent

him to a farm! let's move on. from the mayans, to another collapsed civilization, great britain. if you weren't aware, a century ago in a town called cheddar gorge, scientists found a 10,000-year-old skeleton of the earliest known man in britain, who they named cheddar man-- very imaginative. thanks to d.n.a. evidence, we've learned cheddar man has a dark secret. >> cheddar man had dark skin. d.n.a. analysis shows he had dark hair, blue eyes and skin that was probably dark brown or black. >> trevor: oh, shit! the man was black! you realize what this means? it turns out meghan markle isn't entering the royal family. she's just reclaiming the

throne. ( applause ) but, yes, of course, ched oar man is black. i don't need d.n.a. to know that. his remains are 10,000 years old, and they still ain't cracked, people, come on. and, of course, as we know from daytime tv, you can't have a d.n.a. test without a family reunion. >> this is modern day cheddar man. adrian targett lives in the same place. time to meet your ancestor. do you want to see your great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-grandfather? ok, here he comes, and... >> oh, my! >> what do you think? >> it is remarkable, isn't it? i think there is probably some resemblance. >> trevor: man, british-- ( applause ) british maury povich suction.

"you are the father!" "i'm not too surprised. i see the resemblance." where is the drama? i wanted that guy to freak out. what! i vote forward brexit? like, where is the drama. you're introducing a man to the ancestor he never knew. you could have used that technology to let cheddar man say what he has been holding back. >> let's have a book. >> i'm sorry i wasn't there for you, son. laugh. >> trevor: "don't do this, cheddar man! you can't just show up now after being dead my whole life! i had to grow up on the streets!" that's what i wish would have happened but it didn't. that's all the stouffers we have for tonight. ( cheers and applause ) if the earth didn't have layers,

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( laughter ) >> trevor please welcome alek skarlatos, spencer stone, and anthony sadler. ( cheers and applause )

>> wow! >> trevor: welcome to the show, gentlemen. >> thank you for having us. >> trevor: thank you so much for being here. i remember when the story first broke. this was one of the craziest things we had ever heard. a man on a train with an ak-47, and a pistol, and, like, a razor blade with amunition, tried to kill everybody on the train. and they said that there were three americans who charged this man down, no weapons intact, and you are those men. congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) the movie is about the story, all right. but tell me about what it was like to actually be there when you were on the train. you're all friends. you're on a train. you're on a vacation, and then you hear gunfire. what does that-- what does that feel like? what are you thinking in that moment? >> pretty scary, to be honest. yeah, honestly, it was just-- we turned around and saw them all at the same time, not really realizing what was going on, until you see a shirtless guy with an ak-47, and it was pretty clear what was going on. and just, like, immediately, just, like, shock. your heart sinks, and, "there's no way this is happening right now." we thought we were going to die.

>> it's like visually you register it. but mentally, you tell yourself, "no way this is happening." within seconds-- boom, boom, boom! we have to react. the only time is now. >> literally, the first thing i saw was him picking up the ak-47 off the ground and loading a round into it. it was paralyzing, but you know-- >> trevor: you say "paralyzing." but, spencer, you went and did the thing i don't think 99.9% of he tackled the person with an ak-47 and a pistol. is and you two go, okay, we're going in. alex, you know jujitsu. >> no, he does. >> i just followed him. i was like, spencer, go." when he made it i felt bad. >> originally i was just going to be the shield. >> trevor: but you run in. that's a next-level friendship, is you running in after your friend going, "okay, i guess we're doing this thing together." >> our moms are still neighbors. they've been neighbors sin we were five. i would probably be pretty upset with myself if he dies and i end up living. might as well go down with him.

>> trevor: that's beautiful. ( applause ) let's talk about the movie that has now been created from this amazing story. and clint eastwood said, "i want to make this movie." but in an amazing twist, he said, "i don't want to make this movie with actors. i don't want you all to be played by matt damon." ( laughter ) "i'm going to make this movie with the actual stars and heroes from this story." what was more frightening to you, charging down the terrorists or being directed by clint eastwood? >> clint eastwood. >> clint eastwood. >> clint eastwood. >> yeah, we had time to think about it. >> the whole time we're like, "who is going to be the first one to get that clint eastwood stare like he just hates us?" so we tried to avoid that at all costs. >> we did not want to tick him off. because, i mean, we realized what a chance he was taking on us and what an opportunity he was giving us. >> when you were in it, was there a moment huet flash back? >> it was almost like being there on the same day. and i think that's what the audience will be able to take

away from the film. it's not a biography or documentary, because it's the real people. but i think because it's us and the other real people on the train, they'll be able to feel what we felt and see what we saw on the train that day, and they'll feel like a passenger on the train. >> trevor: a lot of people don't know this, but the man on the train, a fer lift had not just the guns, but he had enough ammunition to kill every single person on that train. as you said, you were traveling at 200 miles an hour. it's a fast train. it was not going to stop any time soon. this could have ended badly. was there a time you went, i was meant to be there? this is the only way it could have happened. >> we definitely felt like there was fate or god on our sides. because we should not have survived. but we don't feel like heros, at the same time, because we know how easily it could and probably should have gone the other way. >> right. >> really, we just got lucky. >> it is not like there was a special talent or skill we possess that other people don't. >> it was like god was on our side that day.

>> trevor: i'm going to disagree with you, because there is one thing you possess that many people don't, bravery, my friend. ( applause ) amazing story. an amazing film. "the 15:17 to paris" will be in theaters february 9. alex skarlatos, spencer stone, and anthony sadler, everybody. we'll be right back. ( applause )

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>> trevor: that's our show. stay tuned,"the opposition with jordan klepper" is coming up next. now, here it is, your moment of zen. >> u.s. president donald trump, who literally bared all while boarding air force one. he starts to head up the stairs here. the president is caught by a gust of wind. some weird things-- >> oh, no. why didn't he wear a hat! >> jordan: i call slander, the mainstream press is at it again with an undeniably fake video of our president, look. there is president trump approaching air force one. with the military, the wind comes up and suddenly boom, hair flip. okay? too much-- cut t stop t stop t stop it it. stop it. stop it. that tape has obviously been doctored. you condition even see trump's face once he hits the stairs. that withering darth vader skull