ol code all my info. i wrote "gay son" in green. green means go, so i know to go ahead and shut up about it. orange means "orange you glad you didn't bring it up?" most colors mean "don't say it." >> how is tom, the homosexual sophomore? >> i wanted to start a company, not a war, because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. and the great tragedy of the civil war is that brother fought against brother. for what? what purpose did that serve? apart from abolishing slavery? in that case, war was the right choice. this doesn't feel as important, though. that's just how the world works, i guess. >> [muffled speech] [phone rings] [muffled] michael scott paper company. [laughs] [patriotic music]

♪ from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york. "the daily show" with trevor noah presents: [hip-hop music] ♪ - the highlight of the night was obviously oprah winfrey. right, she won a lifetime achievement award, and her speech- her speech was one that made many people feel like maybe oprah wasn't done achieving things just yet. - it is not lost on me that at this moment, there are some little girls watching as i become the first black woman to be given this same award. [cheers and applause] for too long, women have not be heard or believed if they dared to speak their truth to the power of those men, but their time is up. a new day is on the horizon. when nobody ever has to say,

"me too." again. thank you. - yes, we can! [laughter] am i the only one who had that feeling? no? yeah, it feels like this is oprah 2020, come on. i will say i can see how oprah seems like the perfect opponent for donald trump. i mean, she's everything that he's not. she's black, she's a woman, she likes to read. they're the complete opposite. like, i bet if we looked into it, we'd find out that donald trump once repossessed 100 people's cars. i get a car, i get a car, i get a car. ladies, look under your skirts, it's me! ♪ this weekend, while the senate was shutting down the government, the people were shutting down the streets, with the second year of the women's march taking place in cities around the world. [cheers and applause] for more on this, we turn to desi lydic and dulcé sloan.

[funky music] - it was the one year anniversary of the women's march, and you know donald trump was pissed off because it's the two things he hates most: feminism and exercise. - mm. - women across the country took to the streets today, as they did a year ago to demand equality, justice and social and political change. the marches took place from coast to coast. - they're over 250 marches planned around the world this weekend. - seattle, san francisco, miami, phoenix, washington, new york, philadelphia, cincinnati, chicago, denver, los angeles, san francisco-- it goes on, and on and on. - it is through human dedication and effort that we move forward. [cheers and applause] - that's right. women. be. marchin'. - ♪ women be marching sorry, i was on the one and the three. - i--i know, i know. you always are. but what do you say? best and worst things about the march. - mm. for me, i feel like the best thing was just seeing hundreds of thousands of women

marching all over the world. - but the worst thing-- did you see the line for for the bathroom? - mm. - it looked like they were selling iphone 11s in there. - i couldn't find my pussy hat from last year, so i just put on a pair of pink underwear upside down, which is actually more accurate. - mm. you know what really made me proud? oh, you remember last year, some people were talking about, but what exactly are you marching for? what are you trying to accomplish? well, this year, women said, here's what we're doing. we're grabbing men by the ballots. - mm. - organizers have dubbed it "power to the polls." - it's a push to get women to register to vote and to run for office in november's midterm elections. - we're really encouraging people to go vote in november of 2018. - kelly fowler marched in last year's rally, and was so inspired, she decided to run for state office in virginia and won. - last year, i marched. then i ran. [cheers and applause] then i won. [cheers and applause]

[both cheering] - that's right. women are running for office and now we can sexually harass our interns and cover it up for decades. whoo! equality. - equality! [cheers and applause] - my guest tonight is an actor who plays zoey on "grown-ish." please welcome yara shahidi. you are--you're also engaged in politics in a way that most young people aren't. as you said, you are turning 18 and because of that, you are really excited to become a part of the voting process. which is not normal for most young people. do you think that's a sign of the times we're living in? - yes. i mean, it's always been who i am. i've always been excited to vote. and, like, when i was four, i had asked my grandfather if he'd be my roommate in college because i was already looking forward to being in college. - when you were four? - yes, um-- i've always been one to plan ahead. - yeah, that's way ahead. - and so--i mean, i think being 18, it's like, okay, cool. i'm an adult and everything. but i can finally vote

and i think what's really exciting is that i will be able to vote during midterms and midterms determines how we redistrict. and being able to vote while we figure out how we are redistricting means that in 2020, we're gonna have a few things figured out, hopefully. - do you--do you think enough young people will come out and vote? i know you have an initiative that you're trying to inspire young people to come out. - right, yeah, so it is called 18 by 18, for obvious reasons, but i think a really big part of what this election proved is just how young people vote and also, with everything happening in virginia and alabama, we see that people are not only willing to vote for first-time candidates, but there are first-time voters finally coming out. - right. - and a lot of the issue that i personally see with how we educate this generation is as though we don't have to have a political opinion until it's time to vote. - uh-huh. - and so we inherit this system that we have no idea about and we have no clue how it properly functions. and so we theoretically vote based on ideology, with no backup for why we support certain ideologies

and really, no correlation between how our passions translate into policy change. - right. - and so to be able to create a platform in which it can easily spell that out, and for us to be able to truly take control of this political system, i feel like is really important. ♪ i was wondering if an electric toothbrusthan a manual.s better and my hygienist says it does but they're not all the same. who knew? i had no idea. so she said, look for one that's shaped like a dental tool with a round brush head. go pro with oral-b. oral-b's rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to gently remove more plaque. and unlike sonicare, oral-b is the only electric toothbrush brand accepted by the american dental association for its effectiveness and safety. my mouth feels so clean. i'll only use an oral-b. oral-b. brush like a pro. everyone has a thing. that binge watch over the weekend thing. more checking-in or checking out things. that triple-double thing

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when my vehicle i wwas hit by an ied.r in iraq i looked down and i knew i was out of the fight. but playing for team usa has been a second chance to represent my country. i get to show my children and the world that, yeah, i might have been knocked down, but i'm up, and i'm honored to be able to represent the flag. comcast is grateful to all who have served our country, and we're proud to bring the 2018 olympic and paralympic winter games home to everyone.

[hip-hop music] ♪ [cheers and applause] - this past weekend was the miss america pageant and here to give us her thoughts is michelle wolf, everybody. [cheers and applause] - thank you, trevor. you know, i don't know if you know this about me, but i love pageants. you know, i actually wanted to get into pageants but then i realized getting into miss america is super hard. there's, like, tons of qualifications. look at all those rules! i would never qualify. i broke, like, three of those rules today. besides, i don't really have tiara hair. it would get lost. you know, i realized it's actually easier to become president than it is to become miss america. 'cause, you know--

[cheers and applause] 'cause you know what the qualifications are for president? 35 and born here. that's not qualifications. that's the search terms of a sad lady on a match.com profile. my type? well, at this point, i'll settle for 35 and born here. or i don't know, not dead. i'm flexible. - wow, i--i honestly had no idea there were so many qualifications to be miss america. - oh, no, no. not to be miss america, that's just how you get into the competition. once you're in the door, you still have to do all this crap. - miss new jersey, kaitlyn schoeffel. [upbeat music] [traditional music] [playing saxophone] ♪ - [yodeling] ♪

- all right. [laughter] couple things: yodeling ventriloquism? wow, us women keep finding more creative ways to die alone. also, what did you do to my brother? turn him back into a real boy! [laughter] you know, i know people think pageants are sexist-- and they are. but they also take time at the end of the competition to ask the contestants really hard questions. - last month, a demonstration of neo nazis, white supremacists and the kkk in charlottesville, virginia turned violent and a counter protester was killed. the president said there was shared blame with "very fine people on both sides." were there? tell me yes or no and explain. - i think that the white supremacist issue-- it was very obvious that it was a terrorist attack and i think that president donald trump should've made a statement earlier addressing the fact and making sure

all americans feel safe in this country. that is the number one issue right now. - how crazy is that? it took the president four days and three tries to give a [bleep] answer to that question. and miss texas nailed it in 20 seconds. [laughter] [cheers and applause] this is how little faith america has in its women. they have to be prettier, more talented and smarter than the president, just to get the job of waiving for a year. she's gonna be stuck in a parade like, glad i solved that nazi problem. they won't even let me drive. here's my suggestion: let's switch the president with anyone from miss america. i'd even take that weird ventriloquist lady as president, 'cause right now, all we have is the dummy. - michelle wolf, everybody. ♪

you've been on a journey that has been one that i think you've shared with many people in america. and that has been the journey of a curvy woman trying to find her place in-- not just in modeling and in fashion--but in society. - in the world. yeah, i have been told i'm not good enough because of my thunder thighs. i've been told i wasn't going to get covers of magazines because i was too curvy, too loud, too tall, too outspoken--so many different things about me that weren't good enough. and the more i persevered and the more that i said, "oh really?" well, i'm gonna keep working hard because that's the kind of family that i come from. i don't take no for an answer. and i finish what i started. then you can have whatever you want, as long as you know that your dreams are attainable. - you had to work hard against an industry that in many ways told you you didn't belong. - yes. - how did, like-- how does modeling deal with that paradox? because it feels like one. it's like, modeling goes, like, this is what modeling is. - right. - and now there are new voices coming forward saying, no, this is not what modeling should be about.

- i hit really low times in my life where i thought i wasn't good enough. i was in a terrible relationship where my boyfriend chased me around the kitchen with a butcher knife, and i still stayed with him because my confidence was so low. and it's in those moments that i share with the reader and i let them know, i was just like you. i hated who i was, but you can have whatever you want. and i had to explain that to the people in the modeling industry and i think explaining myself, telling my truth and really, truly who i am is what got me to where i am today. because now people wanna hear from models. we're just silent, pretty little girls anymore. we're big, bold women who have something to say. ♪

muham[laughter & applause]atest! muhammad: i'm going to become champion of the universe! muhammad: me with my beautiful, colorful personality. muhammad: i'm good looking, clean living, cultured, muhammad: and i am modest. [laughter] muhammad: i am so modest, i can admit my own fault. muhammad: my only fault is muhammad: i don't realize how great i really am! [laughter] muhammad: because i am great, i am the greatest! ♪ my name's dustin.e) hey, dustin. grab a seat. nice to meet you. have you ever had car trouble in a place like this? (semi-truck noise) yes and it was like the worst experience of my life. seven lanes of traffic and i was in the second lane. when i get into my car, i wanna know it's going to get me from point a to point b. well, then i have some good news. chevy is the only brand

to receive j.d. power dependability awards for cars, trucks and suvs two years in a row. wait. (group laughter) i definitely feel like i'm in a dependable vehicle right now. i want a chevy now. i know! (crunch) (whack) (gasp) (elephant trumpeting) ( ♪ ) hello. (multiple whacks) really, dan? hi, guys. hey, dan. hi. what's up, dan? ooh, doritos... (whack, crash) (crunch) (elephant trumpeting) are we gonna talk about this? nope. go. yes! are wego. yes! tanice play.his? still buffering. mine too. what happened? hey, joy, you should let your new pals know that according to a leading independent study, the most awarded network is now best in streaming. i think you just did. you both can get a much better view of the game on the iphone on verizon unlimited. thanks. thanks.

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this is how many people were born here. this many are fifth generation. this is how many are named hiawatha kitty mcgee. he keeps the town dry. they'd prefer it a little wet. this many are proud of what we make here. this is how many will go around bragging about it. this is our town. if you can't get here, just look for one of our postcards. we send them all over. they look like this. we send them all over. [hip-hop music]

♪ - when i heard that we were gonna do a year-end special, i was like, we have to do a song. - oh, like when i said hey, desi, we should do a year-end song. and you were like, "good idea, dulcé." - yeah, exactly. and i knew that it had to be about women. because this has been such an incredible year for women. - it was terrible. this year has been terrible for women. - it was a no-brainer to get on board with this project. i wanted to be a part of the solution, not the problem. men been creepy a long ass time. and i wanna be here to support women like the underwire of a bra, and just lift-- oh, my god, i'm doing it, too. hey, you gonna cut that, right? please, just-- cut that, please. y'all got me a hit, right? - yeah! - yes! - you ready? - oh, it's so good. - is it good? - it's so good. - oh, it's great. - you're so amazing, you're so good. - i've been writing some lyrics here-- - what you've been doing-- what you've been doing has been great. - thank you, thank you. - once you see what i got, though-- - just you. - thank you. - no, but the two-- we've been working together. - just her, just her. - wait till you see my lyrics, roy. - oh, my god, dulcé

incredible voice, just a talent. i haven't heard anybody this natural since back when i discovered luther vandross. you see on that piano? [playing piano] [laughter] she learned that today. [playing piano] ♪ self taught! that's prince-level [bleep]. we should be honored to be in the presence of a musical genius like this. in our lifetime of vocalists like this, we'll never-- - this guy, braggin' about me again. [laughs] you know, i think the key is treating your voice like it's an instrument. like any other instrument. a guitar, um, an electric guitar. a piccolo. i'll let him-- i've been singing my whole life, from the time i was a little kid. and dulcé has been singing for-- - i just started today. - well, lucky for you, i am a professional. so i will get you up to speed. - [rolling lips] - [rolls lips] but bigger. [rolling lips in scale] and then--ha! ha!

- this is gonna be a powerful song for women. - and black women. [laughter] - [vocalizing] - yeah, yeah. yeah, that's good. no, that's good, that's good. you just--but-- a little more like-- [vocalizing out of key] ♪ oh, yeah ah! you always end with, "ah!" is that good? - yeah, that--that was great. all right, you ladies ready to lay it down? - you ready? and here it is. the world premiere of "song for women 2017." - this is for you, ladies. [light piano music] ♪ ♪ 2017 ♪ mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm - [whispers] women. [upbeat music] ♪

- ♪ started this year marching hand-in-hand ♪ ♪ to show that pussy grabber with the terrible tan ♪ - [squealing] ♪ but everywhere i look [auto-tuned] ♪ a lady resisted ♪ tried to stop lizzy - ♪ yet she persisted - ♪ all around the world, we've come so far ♪ ♪ saudi women sitting at the wheel of a vehicle ♪ ♪ pm, chancellor, all we've reached ♪ ♪ south korean women even getting impeached ♪ both: ♪ what a year for women ♪ ♪ it's why we're singin' ♪ finally see us winning ♪ what a year for women - ♪ "wonder woman" set records at the movies ♪ ♪ who knew you could direct when you have boobies? ♪ - ♪ on the charts, cardi b, spittin' the fire ♪ ♪ beyoncé had twins-- that's double messiah ♪ - ♪ megyn kelly went to nbc from fox ♪ - ♪ 17 million for a show that sucks ♪ - ♪ women all over taking care of each other ♪ ♪ showing some love to our sisters of color ♪ i can say that, right?

[music stops] - nope. both: ♪ what a year for women ♪ ♪ it's why we're singin' ♪ finally see us winning ♪ in this year of women - the old harvey weinstein can't come to the phone right now. why? because-- - ♪ this is the year ♪ we all stood strong ♪ no one wants to see your nasty ass dong ♪ - ♪ back off, all you producers and actors ♪ ♪ end up in the trash like "the o'reilly factor" ♪ - ♪ 'cause when you look at the patriarchy ♪ - hold up, hold up. dj mansplain is here. i'ma tell y'all what really happened this year. ♪ men are from mars ♪ women, they're from venus ♪ nobody likes a surprise penis ♪ ♪ but maybe you ask for it ♪ it's kind of on you ♪ we men are dumb ♪ we can't control what we do ♪ ♪ uh, too many men this year acting like stalkers ♪ ♪ it makes me so sad ♪ i got a daughter ♪ and that's all the time i got to mansplain ♪ ♪ time for the hook ♪ yo, ladies, hit that refrain ♪

uh! - no. - we're not doing that. - mm-mm. - get the [bleep] out of here. - out. - damn, man. i'm trying to help, you know? - yo, hillary clinton, take us home. - ♪ ohh both: ♪ what a year for women ♪ ♪ it's why we're singin' ♪ keepin' it feminine - ♪ ohh both: ♪ with this mess ♪ we've been in ♪ our lady dicks are swingin' ♪ ♪ sick of all this winnin' ♪ it's the sound [sparks zapping] - [out of key] ♪ we're bringing ♪ what a year for women [holding note] ♪ yeah ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪

[hip-hop music] ♪ - last night, the state of alabama elected a democratic senator for the first time since 1992. and this happened for a few reasons. ideological divisions within the republican party, suburban moderates turned off by president trump. oh, and apparently, some people don't like accused kiddie touchers, also. but there was one really huge factor that you can't ignore. - doug jones was able to pull of this stunning upset with the help of a special coalition of voters in alabama--african americans. - the biggest factor was huge african american turnout. - for more on alabama's election, we turn now to our very own dulcé sloan, everybody. [cheers and applause] - hello! - so, dulcé, big turnout last night by black people. - not just black people, black women. [cheers and applause]

did you know 50% more black women voted yesterday than black men? in fact, 98% of black women voted against roy moore. 98%. the only thing 98% of black women agree on is no roy moore, idris elba is fine as hell and do not get our hair wet. [laughter] so this happened because of us, black women. - wow, um-- [cheers and applause] that's--you say, uh-- you--you say us, but did you vote in alabama? - no, i didn't. but do you have another black woman on this show you can thank? [laughter] so on behalf of all black women... i'm taking a victory lap, you know, but these titties don't run. [laughter] - and--and you know what, dulcé? people are saying thank you to black women. you know, online you saw it. it must be nice to see black women's contributions finally recognized. - yes!

yes, it is! we've been through so much. and you're welcome, white people. you're welcome. but let's be honest, we didn't do it for you. we did it for ourselves. no black woman cast her vote going, "this one's for scott!" [laughter] [bleep] scott. [laughter] so if you really wanna thank us, how 'bout y'all change the laws to make it easier for us to vote. or sing our praises by giving us raises. or at the very least, cancel winter. you know only white people like snow. [laughter] - those are--those are fair points, dulcé. so, you know what? let's move on and analyze last night's election. - analyze--ana--uh, no. black women don't have time to analyze. we gotta get more [bleep] done. fix net neutrality, healthcare and binge watch "empire." i'm out! - dulcé sloan, everybody! we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ♪ - [coughs]