tv The Daily Show Comedy Central March 15, 2018 1:40am-2:10am PDT
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shold be proud that you made it though life to be a senior, but you should also realize that when you get behind the wheel you're a killing machine. - i know. i guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families. - well, i think this has been a real learning experience for the marsh family. people died, but we all grew a little. let's just go home. - sure, i'll drive. - [laughs] that's our grandpa! [laughter] - dude, i hate my family. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com
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comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome! welcome to the show! welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. thank you so much! take a seat, everybody. take a seat. marvel's "jessica jones" on net netflix krysten ritter is joining us everybody! it will be really fun! >> sometimes donald trump does so much in a day we don't have time to process it all at once. every once in a while we go back and look at the fun stuff. like yesterday, we know trump
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went to visit his favorite and smaefort child, the wall. what not many people noticed was this fascinating new development. >> federal, state, and local authorities have been protecting those prototypes with fences, concrete barriers, and security cameras in that order, coming straight from the trump administration. >> trevor: okay, now, this shit has gone too far. ( laughter ) trump is now building a wall to protect his wall? ( laughter ) that doesn't even make sense! the wall is the protection! that's like having a body guard for the secret service. it's like, "no, mr. president!" "no, gary!" ( laughter ) like, what a time to be alive. the wall has its own wall, and the president has his own president. this is insane! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean... i think-- i think trump's just going to keep building walls until he can get mexico to pay for one of them, you know. he's just like, "okay, how about this one?
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no? how about the smaller one? no? you guys want to buy this wall street dvd?" also yesterday at a san diego marine corps base, the donald gave a speech to the troops, and it was truly out of this world. >> in space, the united states is going to lead again. you see what's happening. you see the rockets going up left and right. you haven't seen that for a long time. very soon, we're going to mars. you wouldn't have been going to mars if my opponent won. ( laughter ) that i can tell you. you wouldn't even be thinking about it. you wouldn't be thinking about it. >> trevor: yeah know what? i'm actually going to degree with him on this one. if hillary won the election, people would not be thinking about going to mars. and it turns out, president trump isn't just worried about illegal aliens. he's worried about real aliens, too. >> my new national strategy for space recognizes that space is a
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war-fighting domain, just like the land, air, and sea. we may even have a space force, develop another one-- space force. we'll have the air force, we'll have the space force, we have the army, the navy. you know, i was saying it the other day, because we're doing a tremendous amount of work in space. i said maybe we need a nigh newforce. we'll call it the space force. i was not really serious. and then i said what, a great idea? maybe we'll have to do that. that could happen. >> trevor: wait, wait. what? what? so the idea started as a joke, and now trump decided to actually do it. i feel like this is exactly how he ran for president. "wouldn't it be funny firode down an escalator and said mexicans are rapists? actually, that's a great idea. i'm doing that. i'm doing that." seriously, a space force. this guy is not even done with his wars on earth and he wants to start fighting in space. like, he has the attention span of a five-year-old.
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"i want space!" someone needs to be like, "finish your afghanistan, and then you can have space, donald." ( cheers and applause ) now, some people said trump's space force idea is crazy and that it wouldn't happen until long into the future. but it could be sooner than you think because with our help, the administration has already released a recruitment ad. >> america is surrounded by threats, some from below, some from above. that's why we're building a space force. >> space force! >> space force. >> if you've ever looked up at the night sky and thought, "i wish i could shoot something up there," then you're the right man for space force. >> space force! >> oh, hell, yeah! >> we're not quite sure yet what space force is, but while we figure it out, we'll teach you all sorts of space skills. you'll shoot laser cannons. you'll learn evasive deep-space
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maneuvers. and advanced space combat, like maybe throwing grenades into the sun. >> this is for that sunburn in cancun, you asshole! >> if you have what it takes, you'll be promoted in no time. >> they made me a general because they think chinese looks like an alien language. >> space force prepared me to fight america's enemies whenever and wherever they appear. >> that's right. space force-- >> ooerks! what the hell! >> i'm so-- i'm so sorry. >> 99 space, we get shot. >> space force! >> space force. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: all right, let's turn our attention to hoofl kids. ever since the shooting in parkland, florida, young people have been leading the charge for sensible gun reform. and today, on the one-month anniversary of that shooting, they kicked things up a notch
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with a nationwide school walkout. that's right, for once the students evacuated on their own terms. >> tonight, nationwide protests. a sea of students from parkland to columbine, marching out of their schools, demanding action to combat gun violence. >> more than 185,000 students walking out of classrooms today. >> washington; new york; parkland, florida; st. paul, minnesota; st. louis; denver; chicago. >> at the capitol, thousands of shoes make up a memorial to children killed by gun violence. >> as a 12-year-old, do you really think that you have the power to make change? >> by myself i don't think i have the power, but together, with all these people here, i think we can make a change. >> trevor: my man! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) somebody put his multiplication to good use, yeah. we can't let politics divide us. carry the 3!
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it's interesting how people keep asking these kids if they're not too young to protest. you do realize some of the biggest political movements were led by young people, all right. kids fought for civil rights. kids fought against apartheid in south africa, and to stop the vietnam war. and never forget, never forget the inspiring young woman who used a can of soda to end racism forever. don't ever forget that. ( laughter ) and today was a perfect example of how a youth movement can turn into an "everyone" movement, because this morning's protest brought in major politicians like nancy pelosi, crying chuck schumer, "no nickname" andrew cuomo. and they even got the most popular millennial of all-- bernie! ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you all for being here today! we are very proud of what you are doing. >> trevor: do you know how loud you have to be to drown out bernie sanders? using a megaphone! ( laughter ) bernie is so naturally loud, he
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normally uses the megaphone backwards so he can have an indoor voice. "shhh! the baby is sleeping! keep it down!" now, although these kids are fighting for a cause that seems logical to most, there are still some who don't agree with the idea of them marching in the streets. >> the demonstrations are causing heated debates, some schools allowing students to walk out; others, like this one in new jersey, threatening suspension if anyone ditches class. >> i would rather my kids be in school safe. and i don't believe this demonstration is really going to change anything. >> trevor: wait, you don't want kids outside because it's not safe? the schools are not safe. that's literally why they're marching. yeah, you were like, "go back to the schools." that's where the people got shot. this woman is like the person in the slasher movie, "best thing for us to do is stay inside the house. okay? let's go to the basement. it's dark there. the killer so won't see us, okay, guys?" and the reason these kids think it's so important to march, especially today, because although the house passed a school safety bill, it
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completely left out any provisions relating to guns, all right, which seems like the one thing you shouldn't leave out of a school safety bill. it's like a pizza delivery guy saying, "here's your pizza. we just didn't include the crust. enjoy." in fact, there are many politicians, including the president, who still think the best solution to this problem is giving teachers guns. yeah. and upon hearing this idea, the god of irony responded with this: >> as debate rages on nationwide about arming teachers in the u.s., a gun was accidentally fired by a teacher inside a seaside high school classroom. >> was teaching a criminal justice sort of safety-awareness class, and accidentally discharged a firearm into the ceiling. >> though the gun didn't shoot anyone directly, one student was hurt. >> fragments from the bullet struck a student in the neck. fortunately, there were no serious injuries. >> trevor: sweet jesus. a teacher almost shot a kid. and, by the way, he isn't just a teacher. he's a reserve police officer.
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yeah, the kind of trained professional who's supposed to know what he's doing. i gotta say, that teacher better quit, because he's going to have a hard time scolding his students after this. ( laughter ) like, imagine you're a kid in his class, and now the teachers tries to yell at you for talking to a friend. i'd be like, "bitch, you shot freddie!" ( laughter ) but still, a bullet-- a bullet fragment hit a child. yeah. and the worst part is that this whole thing could have been avoided if we just gave that kid's neck a gun. ( laughter ) we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) [ crowing ] i can't believe it's prom. they're so grown up. kayla's becoming a woman. [ device humming ] dad it's just a toothbrush. whew! tonight is the beginning of my adult life and i am having sex. i want in. our daughters plan some kind of sex pact.
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i'm gonna stop them. i'm in. i'll do anything for my daughter. what about a little chugging contest? bring it. not that kind of chugging. [ screams ] they got a lager or an ipa? doesn't matter. blockers. rated r. pssst. what? i switched to geico and got more. more savings on car insurance? a-ha. and an award-winning mobile app. that is more. oh, there's more. mobile id cards, emergency roadside service... more technology. i can even add a new driver... ...right from her phone! geico. expect great savings and a whole lot more.
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what does life look like during your period? it's up to you, with tampax pearl. you get ultimate protection on your heaviest days and smooth removal for your lightest. tampax pearl and pearl active. for up-to 100% leak-free work outs. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." when a news story falls through the cracks, our very own lewis black captures it for a segment we call "back in black." ( cheers and applause )
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>> with everyone freaking out about donald trump's upcoming prom date with kim jong-un, people barely noticed this presidential milestone. >> an auspicious milestone for the trump administration. just 408 days into his presidency, donald trump has now spent 100 days at one of his own golf clubs. >> ooooo, thanks for the update, professor honeydew. trump just spent his 100th day at a golf course. i don't blame him for golfing so much. if i sucked at my job, i would want to spend time away from it, too. ( laughter ) the thing i don't get, why are people upset about it? what did you expect? trump owns 17 golf courses. it's like electing the pillsbury doughboy, and then being surprised he spends all day getting his belly fingered. ( laughter ) now, trump's hardly the first president to play golf. clinton golfed, nixon golfed,
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wilson golfed. of course, lincoln tried to be all cultured and go to the theater. how did that turn out! ( laughter ) of course, the biggest presidential golfer was literally william howard taft. >> the first president to enthusiastically embrace the game was william howard taft, who promoted the sport more than any other president. taft was a regular player at exhibition matches. whether good or bad, the 27th president encouraged media to report on how he played. >> not only was taft impressive for being a pioneer as a golfer, but do you know how hard it was to get that fat in 1910? ( laughter ) they didn't even have junk food! that's all from cabbage! ( laughter ) look, for as long as presidents have golfed, people have bitched about it. like, who can forget how this nutjob went after obama. >> obama plays more golf than professional players on the p.g.a. tour.
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for him to be playing golf, i think is very inappropriate. he's going to play golf like so many times-- golf, golf, golf, golf, golf. more, more. he played more golf last year than tiger woods. >> yeah, and you cheated on more wives than tiger. but who's counting? ( cheers and applause ) trump criticizing obama is like me giving beauty tips to tyra banks. "but i can't help it-- the smoky eyed look was so last year." ( laughter ) the point is, golf and presidents will always go together. and while trump may end up being our oldest president, he'll be able to play longer, thanks to good old american ingenuity. >> introducing the euro club, the discreet sanitary solution for your urgent relief 3 created by a board-certified urologist, it looks likes an ordinary golf club, but it contains a special reservoir built into the grip to relieve yourself. the euro club comes with a
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special cover to keep your privacy. and it appears to everyone that you're just checking out your club. ( laughter ). >> that's the stuff! it also works great on the subway. everyone thinks i'm just checking out my club! trevor? >> trevor: lewis black, everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) no irish need apply? we say goodbye. make our mothers cry. break hearts for the dream, and no irish need apply? who built the bridges, mate? and scraped the city skies... then bled with your sons the blend begun when i wed you lovely daughter maybe you shouldn't ought of, but... you gave her away... to be with me! blend is the backbone of this place. we were all them once, now we're just...us. just u.s.
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i think our daughters are planning on losing their virginity on prom night. i'm gonna stop them. i'm in. ♪ get your head thinking. it's the bottom of the third. oh! you have one pass left. so you make that duck. i don't know what we're doing. is it hockey or is it a little league game? australian rules football? blockers. rated r. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor who stars in the netflix series marvel's "jessica jones." >> what am i still doing in here? it's been 24 hours. >> the police have 72 hours before they have to charge you. >> trish already gave a statement. they have no proof. >> they believe that you know things that you're not telling them. >> yeah, it's called professional discretion. >> well, they will call it obstruction of justice. it's a probation violation. >> and then put me away for 18 months? >> unless you tell them what you
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know. >> that poodle doesn't show its belly to a pit bull if it doesn't want to get its guts ripped out. >> trevor: please welcome krysten ritter. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> what? >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. i'm like, "what is he saying?" >> trevor: i thought i offended you. you're like, "what! how dare you welcome me to your show." >> i was switching to "jessica jones" like that. >> trevor: thank you for coming here. i have been a fan of yours for a very long time. i have been on an emotional roller coaster like i was devastated in "breaking bad" and then i hated you in the ""b" in the apartment 23." >> why, that show was the highlight of my life. >> trevor: you were the "b." and now i feel like "jessica jones" is a combination of everything: a likable character who struggles through the world that she's living in. she's a superhero, but at the same time, she suffers from
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p.t.s.d. do you feel like she's one of the most realistic superheroes taht we have right now? >> i think she probably is the most realistic one. you know, we approach the show as character first, and this is a girl who is marked by a lot of trauma in her life and sexual assault, great loss. and so we're exploring the psychology of this character who also happens to have superpowers, and is really strong and can put somebody through a wall with barely any effort. >> trevor: right. and that-- it feels like that resonates with a lot of people. because they go, "i like jessica jones because i feel like as a human being i want to be a superhero. but i also acknowledge i emotion, i have feelings. i get hurt. there are things that affect me. do you think that's a big part of the show's success? many women watch it and go, "that's exactly who i am. i'm a superhero who has feelings." >> we approach the show with boots on the ground, but we have superpowers, and we also have super emotions, super stakes that allow to us play in this
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elevated playing field. >> trevor: a lot of people have said, "jessica jones" is the perfect superhero, specifically for the #metoo movement. >> she's angry. and loud. >> trevor: and rightfully so. when you look at the scenes you guys shot-- i always find that fascinating. you shot the season, and the storyline seems like you wrote it when the #metoo movement was happening, but you shot all of that before this happened. >> we shot all of that before it happened. we finished shooting the show, i think october 1. and then everything started coming out about harvey weinstein and the #metoo movement. in october. we were texting each other, "does melissa rosenberg"-- our showrunner-- "have a crystal ball?" we talk about it, and her response has been, "hese aren't new issues. these have been happening forever." her scripts were written two years before this happened, and the fact that it's resonating so loud is crazy. >> trevor: it's interesting that you say that. it's a movement that started now, already blew up, but it's an issue that's been pervasive
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for a long time. >> yeah. >> trevor: when you are in the show, when you are playing "jessica jones," is that a thing that connects to you in the story? is that a storyline that you take very seriously, her past and the men that have traumatized her and the world she's lived in? >> sure. for me, specifically, i wasn't in that storyline, but what i think jessica responds to is she was a victim of sexual assault. >> trevor: right. >> and so i think this storyline and the fact her best friend went through it, and he's also abused younger girls, scratches a wound for her. >> trevor: right. >> and that injustice, like, ignites her and infuriates her, and i think that's also kind of what we're experiencing in real life. all of this is coming out. it strikes this anger that's been lying dormant forever. >> trevor: when that anger is struck, do you ever think that you do have superheroes in real life? >> yes. >> trevor: and forget-- >> also, i think playing jessica jones makes he think i'm strong. >> trevor: do you think you can move a car in traffic? >> sometimes, i think i can. but i can't. >> trevor: i can just picture you in new york, ""aaarrgghhh!
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can you move, please?" i sometimes hope-- i think, i wish i had superpowers, but i never get to play superheroes. i think that's something you would have with you in your character. you're spoa used to things moving. >> but then reality hits. okay, on set, sometimes, like, i'll get carried away. there was one scene i was doing and the stunt guy was like, "you're going to hit me. should i wear a pad?" and i'm like no, it's all good, it's fine. you step a little bit too far past your mark and hit the guy for real, and he goes nowhere and your hand blows up. oh, man. so i have an inflated self-confidence about my strength. there's a rude awakening when real life sets in. >> trevor: there are so many things are doing, and you have written a book. and you are somehow a professional knitter. >> i'm really into knitting.
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>> trevor: people want to sell your knitware? >> i sell knitting kits because it's making knitting cool. >> trevor: why? >> because knitting is cool. it is so fun to make things with your hands. >> trevor: but if it was cool, you wouldn't need to make it cool. >> gosh! >> trevor: makes things cool and. >> basically, i design knitting kits. i design a sweater that is pretty easy and accessible that somebody could make as a beginner, easy level-- i'm such a nerd. so the kit will come with everything you need to make the sweater-- the yarn and the needles, and also the pattern. >> trevor: and then people make the knitting-- >> yes! it's awesome. >> trevor: buy you're a star, you're a superhero. why would do you this? >> because i love it. i'm one of those girls who don't like to put all my eggs in one basket. >> trevor: i've never seen anyone who goes, i'm going to diversify my portfolio, and in case the acting doesn't work, i'm a knitter." >> you have to have a backup on the backup. >> trevor: i don't think you'll need it. "jessica jones" is amazing.
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