[laughing gleefully] anything you say or do can be held-- i love you so much! - lillian! you shot the president! smile! - it turns out, we both got what we wanted. - i'm finally famous! - all right, off to the pokey, now! [crowd screaming] - and i get to keep [bleep] my brother. [hortense sobbing] - i guess freddy's going to be president after all. [stately music] >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! welcome to "the daily show."

thank you for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. take a seat. take a seat. you guys are amazing. my guest tonight eye could not be more excited. drew barrymore is joining us, everyone! ( cheers and applause ) she's here to talk about her new show on netflix, "santa clarita diet," which is really amazing, second season already going on. but first, the race for new york governor just got a little more sexy. >> former "sex and the city" star cynthia nixon says she's running for new york governor. >> the tony, emmy, and agreement winner announced she would challenge the incumbent democrat, andrew cuomo. >> i think there are a lot of people who would like me to run, and i think for a variety of reasons, but i think the number one is education. >> trevor: wrong. the number one reason is "sex and the city"! ( cheers and applause ) yeah, are you kidding me? i love that show. i'm so glad miranda is run, education and the subway, but also, brunch! obviously, i'm joking, but a lot

of the media are getting too caught up in focusing on her role in "sex and the city" and they are not seeing that she is a viable candidate with a real platform. she would be the first woman and l.g.b.t. governor, and she would be the governor it's first governor to have the most televised nude scenes since jeb bush. ( laughter ) yeah. that really happened. please clap. although i think we can agree, of the "sex and the city" characters, miranda would be the best governor but samantha would be the most fun. i'm going to get behind our firefighters or under them, or on top of them, wherever i'm needed. and i bet she would always make sure that the trains were on time, but it would probably be a different kind of train. you know, you know. okay, so you know that, yeah, samantha for governor! samantha for governor. ( applause ) let's move on to our main story-- opioid addiction. it's a nationwide epidemic, and luckily for the opioids, donald trump is on the case.

>> president trump is talking tough on the opioid crisis. on monday, in new hampshire, one of the states hardest hit by addiction, he unveiled a plan to combat that nationwide epidemic. >> the president flew to new hampshire to make his announcement, a state he once called a "drug-infested den." >> trevor: wow, a "drug-infested den?" trump is the only person who will help people while insulting them. you never saw jesus in the bible being like, "let's give a hand to this poor leper because the one he had fell off! oh! get it? i'm going to heal you. i'm going to heal you, but that was funny. that was funny. that was-- come on, that was funny. all right, any blind people here." the black people are like, "shhh! don't tell him i'm here. i don't want to get roasted." because this has been at the president's heart for a long time, he laid out some good proposals. allowing medicaid to pay for residential rehab. encouraging production of less-addictive pain killers and more accountability from

farceutical companies and you can tell from his tone, that he's not messing around. >> whether you are a dealer or doctor or trafficker or manufacturer, if you break the law and illegally peddle these deadly poisons, we will find you. we will arrest you, and we will hold you accountable. >> trevor: wow. "we will find you, arrest you, and hold you accountable." you know he's taking this seriously because he's talking about drugs like they're hillary. ( laughter ) now, now, before you get carried away saying, "wow, donald has really turned into a reasonable president," don't forget-- he may know how to act presidential, but underneath it all, he's still trump. >> president trump has revealed his long-awaited plan to combat the deadly opioid emdemmic and among the measures proposed, giving drug traffickers the death penalty. >> the ultimate penalty has to be the death penalty. now, maybe our country is not ready for that. it's possible. it's possible that our country is not ready for that. and i can understand it, maybe-- although, personally, i can't

understand that. ( laughter ) >> trevor: you know-- ( laughter ) one of my favorite things about trump is that he has inner monologues out loud. it's like america elected gollum as president. "we must have the death penalty. the country is not ready. we are ready!" ( applause ) ( cheers ) i mean, at least we know that even if no one runs against trump in 2020, the debate debate still going to be great, just him and himself. look, the truth is i can see why trump thinks killing drug dealers will solve the opioid crisis. it's the same they wayhe thought getting ride comey would make the russia investigation go away. today's epidemic is complicated in many ways. let's say you kill all the drug dealers, the bad drug dealers, the bad man dealing drugging on the corner. in this opioid crise, that's hardly the only kind of person

involved. see do you also kill doctors who overprescribe pain killers? do you kill family members who buy opioids for their addicted loved ones? do you kill people who sell drugs to pay for their own addiction. this is complicated. just give everyone the death penalty. i understand it now, i get it. here's the thing-- i'm not saying all of trump's plans are bad, it's just that some of his drug-fighting ideals seem to come straight out of 80s. like this: >> this has been something that i've been very strongly in favor of-- spending a lot of money on great commercials showing how bad it is, so that kids seeing those commercials, during the right shows on television-- or wherever, the internet-- when they see these commercials, they say, "i don't want any part of it." that's the least-expensive thing we can do, where you scare them from ending up like the people in the commercials, and we'll make them very, very bad

commercials. ( laughter ) >> trevor: trump, he tried so hard to think of a different word. ( laughter ) and then he just gave up. "very, very... bad commercials." ( laughter ) now, look, again, i see why trump thinks that this idea makes sense. i mean, if the president of the united states believes everything he sees on tv, then why wouldn't teenagers? but don't forget, america has spent a lot of money on these ad campaigns before. all through the 80s and 90s, you couldn't watch tv without seeing one of these: >> joe, i got some stuff you just gotta try. >> what is it? >> pot, you know, marijuana. >> oh, well, i don't know. >> what are you, chicken? >> i'm not chicken! you're a turkey! ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, those commercials were very, very bad. ( laughter )

and here's the thing-- they weren't just corny, right. studies have shown that those commercials didn't actually work. >> remember those commercials that were supposed to stop you from smoking pot? the national institutes of health say it may have done the opposite. according to a study of 12.5- to 18-year-olds from 1999 to 2004, ad campaigns were "unlikely to have favorable effects on youth. even some rounds of the study proved watching more commercials actually predicted teens would be more inclined to do drugs." >> trevor: that's right, believe it or not, drug commercials might make teens more likely to use drugs, because when you tell a teenager something is dangerous, it just makes them want to do it more. yeah, and, i mean, think about it. we've been warned for decades that cheetos are dangerously cheesy. ( laughter ) and yet, we still lost jeremy to them. ( laughter ) he died as he lived: flaming hot. ( laughter ) so, look, i-- i believe that the

president sincerely wants to keep young people away from drugs, which is why here at "the daily show," we decided to help. you see, typical antidrug p.s.a.s don't work on the kids. what trump needs is a way to make drugs seem uncool to young people, and for once, i believe he's the right man for the job, because according to polls, two-thirds of american teenagers think donald trump is totes lame. so to keep them off drugs, all the president needs to do is pretend that he takes drugs, which shouldn't be that hard. >> joe, i got some stuff you just gotta try. >> what is it? >> opioid, you know, the good stuff. >> you think doing drugs makes you cool? wrong! drug abuse leads to serious problems like memory loss. >> i don't know what i said. ah! i don't remember! >> aggression. >> i'd like to punch him in the face. i'll tell you. >> slurred speech. >> god bless the united states schstates.

and whatever this is. >> bing, bing, bing. >> drugs don't make you look cool. they make you look like this. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: we'll be right ♪ ♪ ♪ (vo) you can pass down a subaru forester. but you get to keep the memories. love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. (avo) get 0% apr financing on all new 2018 subaru forester models. now through april 2nd.

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she's gonna get roses, kiss and then touch an eggplant? i think she means chad's eggplant. they're planning on losing their virginity on prom night. maybe they're just saying, "hey, you're okay with me." "you're okay with me." i mean maybe? what? i'm gonna stop them. i'm in. [ crowing ] blockers. rated r. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." march madness started last

weekend and already all of our brackets are busted. xavier is out. loyola chicago is still growing strong, and that's thanks to their adorable chaplain, sister jean, and her incredible slam dunks. ( laughter ) and friday night, the biggest upset in college basketball history. number one seed virginia lost to a 16 seed, the university of maryland baltimore county. yeah, so many people had no clue who this team was. so many people, in fact, that their website crashed because people were googling it. too many people were googling it. ( laughter ) also, best part is u.m.b.c.'s mascot is the retrievers. this means this is as close as we'll ever get to a real-life air bud, right? ( laughter ) but, unfortunately, u.m.b.c. lost in the second rund, which would be if a bud won in the big game but had to fly home on united. >> audience: ooooooh! >> trevor: yeah, sorry, sorry, kids. i take your oooohs, and i put

them in my jar. that's not the only tournament going strong right now. all this month, "the daily show" is doing "third month mania." our very own bracket competition that will determine the best bullshit of the past year. all right. one million votes have already been cast. so if you want to join in go to thirdmonthmania.com, and make your voice heard for what should be hoisted up into the rafters on bullshit. for more on this, we go to roy wood jr. and michael kosta to see what bullshit is busting their brackets. ( cheers and applause ) >> round two, "third month mania," bracket of bullshit, can you feel the excitement? >> i am numb from it. this bullshit is coming in hot and heavy, which is not the heat or the weight of the bullshit that you want. >> now, remember how we're doing it this this year-- 64 moments of bullshit split into two conferences. on one side we have trump bullshit. everything else bullshit on the, side. >> the first round on the trump region was crazy. very fine people on both sides. won this match easily. what a year the nazis are having. >> best year for the nazis since the 1940s. also, trump accusing obama of

tone taps. moving on to the next round. and here is something nobody expected. >> you notice when i put out a tweet a, couple of tweets, "he's in a twitter storm again." i don't do twitter storms. >> tell me you have that one, tweet storm. >> yeah, but it was up to trump calling his own puerto rico response amazing. now, that was a lean, mean bullshit machine from downtown. >> oh, nice. look, man, puerto rico responds. better watch out, though. because in the next round, trump claimed millions of people voted illegally in 2016. you got real latinos versus imaginary fake latinos. >> pretend latinos haven't been in a fight this tough since "west side story." we can talk about trump's b.s. all day, but there's another side of bracket, and you'll never believe it. we have a number one seed defeated! ( siren ) >> david b. goliath, virginia

style, the one-seed fire festival is out of there. >> man, i thought the fire festival couldn't be more disappointing, but it found a way. >> and it got taken out by logan paul posting a dead body online and then saying, "i didn't do it for the views." >> what a cinderella story. >> honestly, i don't feel like the fire festival is bullshit. if you're dumb enough to get your money to john rule, you deserve to be on the beach. this week in round two we have a five-alarm match-up. blaming his staff for a porn tweet. that's going up against mike pence walking out of a football game because of kneeling. kneeling! >> oh, baby, here we go! i like ted cruz here, which is something no one's ever said. >> seriously. you like ted cruz over mike pence? dude, mike pence has this one in the bag. he went to a colts game just to leave a colts game. nobody leaves football games early, not even the guys with the concussion. they sit on the bench. their brain's up the freeway, but they stay.

>> i'm sorry, roy, but you're the one here with irreversible brain damage. ted cruz does the only thing he ever done-- he tries to throw an underling under the bang bus. how does that not win? >> thankfully, it's not up to you. it's up to the people back home. thank god. the second round is wide open. you guys, online and vote add thirdmonthmania.com, and share your picks with your friends. that's not the noise john rule makes. >> he goes ayyy-ya. >> trevor: michael kosta, roy wood jr., everyone. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) we are back. and we are about to talk to a man who talks to dolphins, what the....?

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this is our time to make a difference. fire everything you've got! rated pg-13. my digestive system used to make me feel sluggish. but those days are over. now, i take metamucil every day. it naturally traps and removes the waste that weighs me down. so i feel...lighter. try metamucil and begin to feel what lighter feels like. take the 2-week challenge and see the difference metamucil can make. begin to feel what lighter feels like. available at walmart and walmart.com ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an actor, producer, director, and entrepreneur, who executive produced and stars in the netflix series "santa clarita diet." >> i tried jogging, but i didn't feel any better. and then this rabbit ran out in front of me, and i went after it.

and i was, like, yes, this is scratching that itch. >> you know what's cool. i'm never surprised anymore. >> i feel like channeling my bloodlust is key to preventing something like last night's oopsy. >> there's an eyelid on the light. >> oopsy. >> trevor: please welcome drew barrymore. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, i didn't get on your chair gracefully. >> trevor: that's fine. >> no, that's cool. i never really am cool when i want to be, so this is just another example of that. ( laughter ) here's what i see on the tv: ( laughter ) >> trevor: oh, we're just going to cut that in. that's what we're going to do. >> perfect! >> trevor: yeah, we're just going to edit that in. >> i'm, like, the moron that

gets my heel and stuff caught, and i'm just not cool. >> trevor: wait, is that not a character you have been playing in every movie? >> no. >> trevor: because that's what people love about you. >> you can't act that shit, man. that takes, like, life experience. >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thanks. >> trevor: i've been a fan of yours for a long time. i've loved everything you have done. we have known you as a movie star-- i mean, since the age of six you have been acting. now, you're on tv-- i don't know if we can call it tv because it's on netflix. you have this show, you have this character that lives beyond, like, an hour and a half. is this the long-term relationship of making a show since you've been on tinder dates. is that how it feels? >> yeah, this is, like, actually lasting and that's cool. >> trevor: it's like a different show. because you play a mom and a wife who has also been turned into a zombie. but it's not like the zombie we normally know. this is, like, a very, like-- >> no, i wouldn't know how to act like that-- ( growling ) like the dragging leg thing. i mean, i feel like that every morning, but i don't know if i

could translate it on the screen. my character, who is so fun and cool, sheila hammond, kind of saved my life. like, i was in my 40s, and i'm mom of two, and had given up acting to, like, you know be a stay-at-home mom. and i probably was more like-- ( growling ) than-- like, you know, raising kids is hard, and it's wonderful and it's so rewarding. and this thing came along. and i was like this is the worst timing and i don't want to go back to work. she is what all 40-something-year-old women need, which is, like, a "pull it back together, undead is a metaphor for never being more awake. and when you realize that you start living through your id, rather than your fears and your overtiredness and kind of walking through life a little bit dead, in some ways, we all could use a really swift kick in the ass, and giving it the full oprah, you know what i mean?

>> trevor: that's fascinating-- no, i know exactly what you mean. ( cheers and applause ) that's a fascinating way to spin it. because, like, in many ways, that's what sheila is doing in the show. >> yeah. >> trevor: the zombieness in her life has actually made her appreciate life. >> well "undead" is a metaphor for how alive were you? i mean, the show, victor fresco who created it talked about the metaphors of narcissism, and gluttony in our current society, and that it would be a show about a marriage that works, the metaphors of the world, and the exploration of a woman who is immortal and lives through her id. and is that good? or are there consequences to that? >> trevor: well, i mean, it is-- it is weird to root for her, which we do as viewers, because she is killing people to eat them. >> people who don't need to be here, though. >> trevor: but, you see, that's-- that's the ultimate dilemma, though. like, how does she decide who is not supposed to be here? >> how do you decide who is not supposed to be here. >> trevor: well, i don't eat people, drew barrymore. ( laughter ) i haven't eaten everyone in,

like, 10 years. >> you have to eliminate your audience every night of who you think is good or bad, even in the most metaphorical ways. >> trevor: yes, but if i ate them, i think it would be taking it to the next level. "last night, trevor noah ate donald trump." that would be a headline i don't think many people would be able to get over. >> i think we're all checking our phones every morning waiting for that headline. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: please, please, please. i'm on a no-carbs diet. the story that you tell here is really fun and it's fascinating. it is in many ways a metaphor for just, like, going through a feeling or a time in life. you have done that in means ways. so young, and your life progressed. you're the cofounder of flower films. you have flower beauty, which is makeup. you have flower eyewear. and then you hav barrymore wine. how do you find your zen?

when you go, "i don't want to turn into a zombie? i just want to breathe." >> this is the option. like at night if we don't do our right thing, we all get the options of turning into zombies? >> trevor: yeah, if you do 10 jobs you can turn into a zombie. that's the original zombie story. a lot of people don't know that. >> i've been asked, how do you conquer a lot of dilemmas, but not zombie. although it is in the show, it's apropos. >> trevor: yes. >> no, i don't-- i don't know how i do anything. does anyone have objectivity on to themselves and if so, it might lead into the ego, which i want nothing to do with. >> trevor: damn! i need some of the weed we talked about earlier. thank you for being on the show. season 2 of "santa clarita diet" will be available on netflix march 23. drew barrymore, everybody, thank drew barrymore, everybody, thank you so much! friends, they are a lot like salsa.

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jordan klepper ijordan klepper p next. >> hey, hannity-- >> hey, hannity, hey, abe haram, go ahead. >> i don't like to compliment you very often. >> okay. >> but when i do it really means something. you looked tan, rested, and so fresh this morning on "fox & friends." ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> jordan: get in here, sit down, and strap in. we are "the opposition." it's already march 20, and my opponent tonight is the band, "of montreal." i know. ( cheers and applause ) i know. a band. loyal opposers will remember that the suits at viacom have