your long-overdue trophy. thrrrrpt! [applause] captioning by ccptionmax www.captionmax.com " >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." thank you so much for tuning in. i'm trevor noah. take a seat, everybody! take a seat. our guest tonight, retired n.f.l. star martellus bennett is joining us, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) but first, let's get straight into it. ever since parkland, people have been asking, "how do we protect our kids from school shooters?"

a few weeks ago, we told you about a pennsylvania school that was arming every classroom with a bucket of rocks because, i mean, hey, if it worked against sabertooth tigers, then why not ar-15s, right? and now another pen peschool district has an idea. >> one school district's response to recent school shootings is this: they're arming teacher with mini baseball bats. ( laughter ) the bats is primarily symbolic but they are an option for teachers to use if they need to fight off an attacker. >> this is a tool to have in the event that we have nothing else. ( laughter ) >> trevor: okay, you know, what? just give the teachers guns. give them guns. give them guns, because this is just embarrassing now. i mean, this is nuts. really? what, the principal was like, we want to protect the kids from school shootings, but all we have is chuck e. cheese tickets. what are we going to get? what do we get?" mini bats are worse than using your hands because not only are they too small, but once you start swinging it everybody will start giving you tips. the coach will be like,ings, you

have to choke up. come on. that's it. swing with your himself. no, no, you have to plant your feet, come on!" like, at this point, school has to go full home alone. that's what they've got to do. they should have paint cans over the stairs. every classroom should have a loose tarantula around. there should be an old man next to every school hitting shooters in the head about shovels. that's the only way we're going to stop it. but let's move on. let's move on. today, today was one of those days where we at the "the daily show" were mufassa and the news was the stampede. there was so much of it. thankfully, though, too much news is just the right amount of news for a segment we call, "ain't nobody got tame for that." ( cheers and applause ) first up, after syrian president bashar al-assad attacked his own people with chemical weapons last week, the world has been waiting to see if president trump would respond with military action. and because this is a decision that could lead to an all-out war, the president announced his

decision with all the gravitas it demanded. >> president trump is up and firing off tweets about the situation in syria. >> russia vows to shoot down and all missiles fired at syria. get ready, russia, because they will be coming nice and new and smart. >> it's hard to see how this is anything but the president of the united states declaring war on twitter. >> trevor: i feel like we joked about this, and now it's become real. because when trump got elected, we were like, "he's going to start a war on twitter ha-ha." and before he got elected we were like, "he's going to become president ha-ha." yeah, it turns out every joke about trump is just a headline that hasn't happened yet. and, also, why does trump tweet so weird. "these missiles are nice and new and smart"? ( laughter ) it sounds like he's trying to fix them up with the missiles. ( laughter ) it's like he's saying to the russians, "look, i know you don't like blind dates, but these missiles, they're really nice, really smart. just come.

no pressure, it's just a lunch, come on." ( laughter ) and now a lot of people have pointed out that trump used to mock president obama for telegraffing his military decisions in advance, and now he's doing the exact same thing. but, i mean, let's be honest, at this point, trump's hypocrisy is no unsurprising it's not even fun anymore. like, you see it coming. it happens and you go, yup. it's like someone handed you one of those novelty cans of nuts with the snake inside, but it's labeled, "novelty can of nuts with snake inside." it's like, surprise! now, look, we could talk about how trump isn't even seeking approval from congress to go against war against assad and how congress doesn't seem to care anymore but we don't have time to get into that because trump is thinking about launching another attack right here on american soil. >> cnn has learned president trump and his team have been talking about how to get rid of mueller for months. >> monday night, president trump suggested he may fire special council mueller and on tuesday, white house press secretary sarah sanders said mr. trump believes he has that authority.

>> we've been advised that the president certainly has the power to make that decision. >> trevor: another hold up, hold up. the white house always says that trump doesn't plan to fire robert mueller. so why are you checking on something that you don't want to do? it's like seeing your coworker googling, "how to dissolve my officemate's dead body." ( laughter ) like, he can tell you he's not planning something, but you probably want to move. ( laughter ) because, look, we all know, we all know trump has been slowly working up to firing mueller for a long, long time. you know, it's like he's been tantric firing him, letting it all build up and build up, and then one day he's going to be like, "you're fired! aaah! oooooh, my god, finally! here's $130,000. don't tell anyone about this. ( laughter ) and now, now, because of trump's comments and sarah sanders, we have to ask ourselveses if trump is also thinking about firing rod rosenstein, or jeff sessions, or gary busey, just

for old time's sake. ( laughter ) but we don't really have the time for that, because in the middle of all this news, this crazy story popped up. >> former house speaker john boehner is joining the board of advisers for a marijuana company called acreage holdings. it is one of the largest multistate marijuana corporation in the country. >> boehner, a republican, went on the record nine years ago saying he was opposed to legalizing pot, but now he says his attitude towards it has changed, like that of many americans out there. >> trevor: it's funny how going from congress to selling drugs is somehow more respectable. now people will be like, "what's boehner doing since he left congress?" "i heard he sells weed now." "oh, that's wonderful." it's nice he's finally helping people. now, normally, john boehner pushing kush would be the day's biggest news about a house speaker's career plans, but again, today we don't have time for that. because there's also big news from the current speaker. >> also breaking this morning,

house speaker paul ryan will not run for re-election in november. he is the 23rdd republican to announce his retirement. ( applause ) >> this year will be my last one as member of the house. it's been a wild ride, but it's been a journey well worth taking to be able to do my part to strengthening the american idea. >> trevor: ooooh! he sounds like it's his last day at camp. "it's been a wild ride, so many fun memories with my friends, like the time i tried to take away poor children's health care, and swimming by the lake. best summer ever. aah!" yes, paul ryan, top-ranking congressman and guy at the gym who eye bangs himself in the mirror, is stepping down, and then stepping back up, and then stepping down-- i guess it's legs day. and this, this is a big deal. it really is a big deal. even though paul ryan looks young enough to play "spider-man," you've got to remember he's actually been in congress since 1999. yeah. that was so long ago, britney spears hadn't even done it again

yet. yeah. she'd only done it one time. and remember, we all thought that would be the only time. we were so naive back then. ( laughter ) now, other than presenting that he was upset about stuff president trump said, the thing that paul ryan was most famous for was his deep, sincere concern about america's national debt. >> we are physical conservatives. cha that means is we believe government should not live beyond its means. the debt is projected to grow to truly catastrophic levels in the near future, leading to an economic collapse and a diminished future. bringing our deficit up to $1 trillion will only serve to actually weaken the dollar. i don't know what it would take for a person to completely sell out the will of the american people, sell out the federal budget, sell out our children and grandchildren. what on earth could you be given in legislation to make you vote for that? >> trevor: uuuh... tax cuts? ( bell ringing ) oh, i got it right. i got it right. thank you! thank you! ( applause ) yeah, because, you see, after

eight years of blaming president obama for the ballooning national debt, last year, when the republicans took over the entire government under the leadership of paul ryan, here's what they did: >> the two biggest achievements for me are, first, the major reform of our tax code for the first time in 36 years, which has already been a huge success for this country and that's something i have been working on my entire adult life. >> new forecasts say the u.s. budget deficit will balloon in the next few years, largely thanks to the republican tax cuts. >> the c.b.o. says it will hit $1trillion by 2020. >> it turns out paul ryan exploded the deficit with his tax cuts and then walks away. you know what this feels like? it's like-- it's like you're walking in the desert with someone, and every time you tack a sip of the water, he's like, "hey, hey, don't waste the water. dude, dude, not so much, slow down." and you're like, fine, you hold the canister." and he takes it and he's like, "wet t-shirt contest!

woooo! woooo! aaaah! ooooo! aaahhh!" ( applause ) it's like, "all right, now that the water is done, i'm retiring from the desert. good-bye, good-bye, everybody." yeah, but i mean, look, come on, come on. let's not be haters. what's a few trillion dollars between friends, right? just because paul ryan turned out to be a complete fraud, doesn't mean we can't give him the send-off that he deserves. paul ryan is leaving us, folks, so let's porout a 40. 40 grams of protein, of course. yeah. just for hirnl the way he would like it. ( cheers and applause ) this is for you, paul. oh, and-- and, don't worry, just-- just like paul ryan's deficit, someone else is going to have to clean thup. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome tbook "the daily show." with the white house admitting that president trump has looked into the legality of firing robert mueller, and congressmen in both parties warning of dire consequences, if he does, talk of trump being impeached is in the air again. so what exactly is impeachment again? well, hasan minhaj has more. >> every time log on to facebook i see the same thing, baby pick, baby pick. videos, way too much text. what! ashley got married? good for her. but what i see most all over my soc memes, trump is going to get

impeached, obstruction of justice. and i get it, woke face. everyone around trump is going down. man fort, cohen, padapagopolous. oh, jesus, but what is impeached? and does anybody even know? here's hasanspt on the record. is this thing on? ( laughter ) impeachment is how congress can swipe left on a president. as benjamin 100 once said, "we need something in place to remove an elected president if he renders himself obnoxious." what, we don't know what he sound like. for a president to be impeeched, they need to have done something terrible. i'm talking bad at karaoke terrible ♪ never mind i'll find someone like you ♪ ( singing off key ) there are three criteria that

can get a president impeesmed. "a," treason. 2, bribery, or 3, high crimes and misdemeanors. the first two you're like, duh. but the third one sounds like a snoop dogg "law and order" spin-off. >> there is no definition of high crimes and misdemeanor. >> does it mean murder or mis pronouncing the name of your own country? >> god bless the united states slashes. if the congress things the president has done any of those no-nos, the first step is for the majority of the howrtses to pass articles of impeachment. what? oh! thanks meme. then potus is going to prison, right? not right. just getting impeached does not mean the president got, got. it only means congress is charging him with a crime. then it gets interesting. the next step is a trial in the senate. that doesn't sound interesting. the chief justice presides, the president lawyers up, and the 100 senators act as the

jury, which sucks for them, because the only thing worse than jury duty, is jury duty with ted cruz, the zodiac killer. and if two-thirds of the senators find the president guilty, then he or she is evicted from 1600 penn, and the vice president takes over. president mike (bleep) pence! (bleep). ( laughter ) so that's the whole process of getting rid of a president. it's complex. it's drawn out. but, hey, at least now i know a shit ton more about the government stuff. but the crazy thing about pink slipping a president, it's literally never happened. andrew johnson was impeached in 1868, but he wasn't convicted. then came tricky dickie, but he resigned before congress had a chance to impeach him. which brings us to slick willy. >> president clinton has been impeached. >> so 90s. the house impeached him for

obstruction of justice after he lied about where he put his washington monument. >> i did not have sexual relations with that woman. i did have a relationship with miss lewinsky. >> savage. but the senate didn't convict him, so clinton stayed in office. ♪ ♪ classic. now, trump seems impeachable-- >> oh, hey, stormy. >> but everything is speculated. so i asked constitutional law expert and o.j. defense team, alan dershowitz. so i asked alan dershowitz. hey, alan, how long till trump gets impeached. >> look, even if there were evidence of treason, bribery, high crimes and misdemeanor, both houses of congress are controlled by republicans, not going to happen. >> wait, all my friends on facebook are wrong? so it's unlikely trump will be. impeeched and end up in lynch field penitentiary bunching with crazy eyes. but don't lose faith. no president has ever bragged about his dick size in a debate, either. >> i guarantee you, there's no problem. i guarantee you. >> and, hey, maybe after four years of trump, americans will know better than to ever vote

another trump into office, which makes trump the ultimate vaccine against trump. whoa! if he bought a knack sack from hasan the record.com, they are a fire hazard, which is why you need the minhaj minoxide detector. >> air's no good. >> tune in next time when i go hasan the record on america's bridges. how did they get so tall? and where do their trolls live? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: hasan minhaj, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) in this dream, you woke up on the morning of the new york city marathon and someone had stolen your shoes? it was a nightmare. but then you woke up. you ran the marathon, and you won. no... ...we won. me and my vaporfly 4%s. okay, see it's statements like that that we need to work on. when was the last time you took them off? why would i take them off? i like being fast.

i like showering fast, walking the dog fast, i like fast service, fast shipping, fast elevators why would i ever take them off? wait a second, are you trying to steal my 4%s? [knocking] am i early? yes, you're early every week. sorry doc. hey shalane! hey. ♪ [buzzing] ♪ [popping] sup, sup. good to see you again. shalane, i need you to be honest with me. do you shower with these shoes on?

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>> trevor: welcome to the show. >> man, i'm excited to be here. >> trevor: yeah, man, this is great having you here. you are a legend for many people. you know, we have-- we do, we have many patriots fans in the building. we also have many people who hate the patriots with all their hearts. but, you know, it's one of those funny things where i feel like you get this. like people tell me, "you have a patriot coming? oh, man, i hate them so much." i'm like, "he's here. do you want to tell him to his face?" and they saw you walk by and they're like... (laughter) >> a lot of people hate winners. >> trevor: oh! oh! ( cheers and applause ) you had an amazing career, 10 years in the game, super bowl champion. and you retired at the age of 31. which is not super young for a

football player, decidedly. you go from retiring in football, many people would go to sports commentary or they'd try to get in sports in some other way, shape, or form. but you went, no, i'm going to write children's books. >> you can clap. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: no, and they should clap. how-- like, how do you even begin that journey? >> well, i always tell people i was never-- i was born a creator and learned to be an athlete. i've always been creating. i always made things. i had to learn how to run and catch a ball, because if the ball hits you in the face-- a lot of people can't catch a ball to this day. to make a long story short. my daughter was born about four years ago. you start buying children's books. you're excited. i'm going to share all these stories i read with her. we'll get dr. seuss, walter dean myers. we're going to read all these-- i read a lot of books. and all these books. and then i thought there's not a lot of character characters thae her. >> trevor: right. >> so the representation really wasn't there. and i felt like disney had its chance. ( laughter ) dreamwork had their chance, sony

had their chance. and they didn't do it. so i was like all right, i can make things. let me do it. i made an animated short film which i never went to school for. i do interactive children book acts as well. and this book right here. so i love it because it's just a little black girl, and it's not focused on her color, it's just focused on her awesomeness. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: it's amazing to get this from you, because now, now like i have a whole different image of n.f.l. players because i'm not going to lie. i buy into the stereotype. i go you guys are old giants and all you do is smash, hulk smash. and now i'm going maybe gron cowsk sein the changing room, and after the game he goes into the changing room and goes, "to be or not to be." >> some stereotypes are true. like-- like i love fried chicken. >> trevor: right, right, right. ( laughter ) >> everybody's like, "you like fried chickin." and i'm like, "yeaaah."

and "black people can't swim." and i go to family tree like, okay, swim. >> trevor: you're not afraid of this but you're also buck the trend. it's a really beautiful story. it's about a little girl who is struggling to go to bed and i love that it's based on your daughter and based on the family. where do you want to go from here? it's clearly not just about one book. what is it your ultimate dream? >> so this is the second book nay series. my ultimate dream is a theme park. >> trevor: wow. i know it sounds crazy. "what's your dream?" "theme park!" >> trevor: because that can go one of two ways-- disney or michael jackson. >> and i don't want neverland! not that one. >> trevor: right, right, right. >> so the happiest place on earth. i'll say that disney's going to be the second happiest place on earth by the time i'm done. >> trevor: it's inspiral. >> that's the ultimate geel. >> trevor: it's inspiring. the book is fun. you're amazing. "hey a.j., it's bedtime!" is available now. martellus bennett, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )

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( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. but before we go let's check in with jordan klepper at the opposition." jordan, are you there. >> trevor, did you hear? mark zuckerberg has been hoovered up all my private data. >> trevor: it's just facebook, man. what's the worst thing they can share about you? >> everything, trevor-- your call logs, your location, which cool 90s character you are? >> trevor: oh, yeah, i actually did that quiz. i got "the fresh prince." >> i got david corkoresh. >> trevor: you want to shut that shit down. the opposition is next. but here it is, your moment of zen. >> you're not comfortable with

this tweet that was sent out this morning gidon't like reading about it, no. >> will you be sharing that with the white house? will you be sharing that-- will you be asking, for instance, mike pompeo-- >> i guess i'm sharing it right now, allison. >> well, let's talk about-- i guess you are. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central (applause). >> jordan: let's go. wipe that daily show out of your eyes and stap in. it is already april 119 my guest is author of the opposite of hate, sally kohn. (applause) and i will also be talking to lawyer and trump whisperer alan dershowitz. now it goes down tonight, folks, because it was popping off today. big news, first thing this morning, chuck, hit me. >> today i a